Let’s Pretend


Here we are again. In that all too familiar place. I have lost count of how many times I have found myself here. Despite my very best endeavours, my valiant intentions and earnest dedication I am stood in this hallway of despair. Some time ago this hallway was a welcoming place where polished tiles gleamed and marble pillars glinted. The air was filled with the scent of jasmine, bright sunlight pouring in through the glass dome high above. So many corridors and doorways led from this hallway, offering exciting and intriguing possibilities, new experiences and enthralling opportunities. I can still picture you when you had crossed the threshold, invited into my world and you stood open-mouthed impressed and amazed by the grandeur. With a typically generous and expansive sweep of my arm I offered you the free run of those corridors and rooms. You took full advantage of my generosity and why not? You were a very welcome and special addition.

Now look at us. Your failure has made this a cold and desolate place. The dome has suffered as a consequence of your frequent eruptions of frustrated anger, the once clear panes now either broken or smeared with the grime of your betrayal. The sun has not shone into this hallway for a long time, in fact, neither of us can remember when it last did so. The tall pillars are cracked and chipped, testament to your unwarranted assaults on our person as your forked tongue of criticism lashed out at us. The tiles are fractured and uneven causing you to regularly trip and fall to the floor, the cold slap of your downfall a stark reminder of the change that has gripped this place. You can hear the low moan of the wind as it billows, wuthering and gusting, seeking entrance through the broken windows and dilapidated shutters. That is the wind isn’t it or is it the tortured protestations of the shades and spectres which still haunt this hallway? Sometimes you see them, the forlorn figures which glide haplessly along the dirty passageways, heads bowed as they seem to be seeking something. Whenever you see them you feel a strange sense of familiarity and understanding with their plight even though you are unsure who they are. No doubt a consequence of the empathic traits which still cause you to remain here.

I let you walk these beautiful corridors. I allowed you to marvel at the statues, the ornaments which adorned the walls and alcoves, mesmerising you with their beauty. You felt loved, you felt content and you felt safe as you walked this place never needing or wanting to step back through the door that you once entered all that time ago.

Now you are sat on the icy floor, your hands clasped together and raised in a gesture of contrition and pleading. Your face is etched with wounding woe and the lines of desperation evidence your determination to remain. I brandish the heavy iron key that will unlock the dark door which looms over you and which will reveal the doorway to the cold, uncaring and harsh world beyond, a world you have no desire to return to. I hold the key as I stand over you watching you and although I hear your voice I cannot discern what you are saying. You struggle to your feet, weakness pulling at you as you pull down the sleeve of the tattered garment which you wear and you begin to rub at a nearby pillar. You spit on it and frantically try to remove the grime as if you are showing me that the damage can somehow be undone. You turn and look at me, hand still moving back and forth and I see that eternal optimism in your eyes. That look which once looked like paradise to me and now only serves to reinforce your selfishness in wanting to remain here after everything you have done and everything you have not done as you let me down. Again. The distortion that has surrounded your voice has gone and now I can hear you as you are pointing to the windows and the doors which hang from their hinges, holes smashed into them.

” This place was once so beautiful and you have let it fall into neglect, why have you done this? I just do not understand. I helped you keep it shining and in a pristine condition but then you just lost interest, you would not work with me anymore and it began to fall into decline. It was too much for me to maintain alone though heaven knows I tried, I really did. Not only did you not help me but you then started to hinder me, stopping me from carrying out my tasks, holding me back and diverting me.”

Why are you saying such things to me? Why are you seeking to pin the blame on me? Why are you trying to make me responsible for the demise of this once grand place? I shake my head and point the key at you, a clear signal of my intent. Your face twists and the tears start to form in your eyes. Perhaps they might fall into the now dry fountain and bring about restoration. Does such restoration hang from your sadness?

“Don’t make me leave, please I do not want this to end,” you plead, your eyes, which once shone with delight and joy, which are now glazed as your fear of abandonment starts to rise.

“This does not have to happen, ” you continue as you place a hand against my arm, ” let me stay, I only want us to be happy, to be as we once were. Surely we can do that? Our laughter once echoed through this place and it can again. We can repair the damage, it is not about who caused it, I can put that to one side, I just want us to be together and for us to rebuild what we once had. We did it once, I know we can again, let us join forces and re-create that wonderful time once more, let us admit sunshine and clean away the dirt and the hurt that seeks to envelope this place. We can fix the glass, mend the doors, scrub the floors and clean and tidy and make good. We can do it. I know we can. I can sense it deep inside you, I know it to be the case.”

Your words are impressive and burgeoning with hope. Perhaps it can be done but then you let us down and for that you must pay the price. That momentary consideration of allying with you and recovering what we once had is dispelled. We shake our head.

“It cannot be recovered. There is no hope to do so,” we say slowly.

A tear spills down your cheek and hovers on your chin as if unsure of where to go.

“Then let us at least pretend that we walk through gilded and fragrant halls once more. Please? We can pretend can’t we?”

Yes, we can pretend. It is all we ever do.

21 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend

  1. Half Glass Full says:

    Such a beautiful write-up!

  2. Agnes says:

    Hello HG, I’d like to ask a few questions.

    1. Can a narcissist be so picky/have problems in embedding the perfect IPPS that he has only intimate secondary and territary sources for one or two years?

    2. Would a narcissist be ok if his IPPS had her own circle of friends and was spending lot of time partying, taking weekend trips with them without a narcissist?

    3. Do narcissist like very sociable women who can’t sit at home for long and are always looking for new friends, new adventures, new hobbies?


    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Potentially yes, but such a fuel matrix is likely to be that of the very rare Greater.
      2. No.
      3. Some will, when seducing and then will not like this when devaluing.

      1. HG, what of the N who is not well blessed with money or looks and has to settle for an IPPS he considers beneath him from the outset (I appreciate they all see us as beneath them)?

        Yet you always see them attempting to suck in more attractive supply but it always fails

        How does this make them feel?

        Do they somehow justify in their head they have the IPPS that they want, at least during golden period.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, either that person does not become the IPPS and is a Shelf IPSS or they become the IPPS and the power of the narcissist’s emotion al thinking during infatuation means the IPPS IS considered the real deal (of course the resultant golden period will be shorter than usual as the deficiencies fuel wise come to the fore sooner).

      2. alexissmith2016 says:

        Ah, very interesting! Thank you HG

  3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    This article reminds me of how beautiful your writings are, HG.

    And your well-contemplated words remind me that it is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist… a healthy relationship, that is. I cannot help but feel sad whenever I ponder the ways in which the narcissist sees mundane interactions as an infraction towards him.

    He can’t seem to understand that when we disappoint, it is often because we are first disappointed.

  4. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    This article reminds me of how beautiful your writings are, HG.

    And your well-contemplated words remind me of why a relationship with a narcissist is impossible…. well, a healthy relationship that is. It also makes me sad to ponder just how wounded the narcissist is… that practically everything is viewed as an infraction towards him, yet he is unable to see the we disappoint because we are first disappointed.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you BKK

  5. Findinglife11 says:

    This is a “NEVER” In my case.

  6. Stéphanie says:

    Does the narcissist really believe that his victim/appliance can fill the void he has, or does he know each one will be temporary- an intermittent source of fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The IPPS is seen as ‘The One’ . They are not viewed as there to fill the void because the Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist does not know about the void.

  7. WiserNow says:

    Another beautifully written article HG. You have way of using words to weave a romantic illusion that’s very convincing and enticing as well. The illusion is clear and seems real. The words and tone and imagery are in stark contrast to your “minimalistic” replies to commenters. That’s why you’re a narcissist, I guess.

    You mentioned “abandonment” in this article in the sentence …
    “Don’t make me leave, please I do not want this to end,” you plead, your eyes, which once shone with delight and joy, which are now glazed as your fear of abandonment starts to rise.”

    HG, I find the theory of avoidant attachment being linked to narcissism very interesting. What are your views about avoidant attachment and the underlying fear of abandonment that stems from early childhood development?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not see the issue of abandonment as directly relevant WN, it is the reminder of helplessness and powerlessness which is behind much of our behaviour whilst of course, somebody escaping us (abandoning us) or not doing what we want (abandoning our control) forms part of. I see the issue of abandonment as part of a range of potential behaviours which link into the absolute need to avoid (or if not avoid, counter and remedy) a lack of power.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Thank you for your answer HG – it makes sense. The issue of power you mention is interesting. It reminds me of something else I read about with regard to basic human motivations, classified as:
        – influence (or power)
        – affiliation
        – achievement.
        Perhaps if those born with the basic motivation of influence also happen to experience insecure attachment as young children, this may manifest in maladaptive forms of narcissism … ?

        I’m wondering HG, have you, as a Greater, ever tried to resist the need to avoid feeling powerlessness, and if so, what happened? That is, have you ever let someone else win or have the upper hand, or allowed a situation to unfold without having to control it. (If you’d prefer not to answer, that’s perfectly ok. It would be interesting to know though.)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No I haven’t.

          1. WiserNow says:

            Well … okay then.
            Thanks again for your answer HG.

      2. Kensey says:

        Wow. And so this will continue until the Narc draws his last breath.
        And so the lesson is ..parents check yourself, love your children above all else, even yourself. Create a real loving environment so the child has not the task to create a false survival world.

      3. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi HG…maybe you should try losing to something once in awhile. Exposure therapy can dispel distorted thinking.
        I dont care who you are no one stays number one or wins forever. Thats why a lot of these washed up pop stars get into drugs etc bc they cant handle the truth that what they strived for didnt last. Theres nothing wrong to want to do well in life but being humble and realistic is equally as important. Youre still number one without having to be number one as long as you accept and love yourself. Enjoy life as being imperfect bc no one is perfect.

      4. Chihuahuamum says:

        I challenge you HG to lose at something within the next week. If you cant deliberately lose then you lose the challenge. Are you up for it? Can you handle losing to something? It can be as small as a sporting match of some kind but you have to lose and accept the loss.

      5. Chihuahuamum says:

        I forgot to mention for winning the challenge you will be awarded the medal of being human and a lifetime free subscription to fuel magazine 😁

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