The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

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11 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion”

  1. Sorry I’m late to the party as a relative newcomer to this blog.

    HG
    You are brilliant not only in your self awareness but obviously you’ve figured out the rest of us too. Every single word of this applies to me, so much so that a tear or two might have fallen by the time I reached the end. I can well imagine your therapists have a time of it with you.
    Question, are all Doms narcs?

  2. ANN I HAVE ASKED THAT QUESTION MANY TIMES TO MY SELF ALSO ,🎻💯 THEY MAKE YOU DAMM CRAZY JUST TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH THEIR NONSENSE.😵😨😱,BUT AS HG SAYS THEY DO STUDY US AND LEARN WHAT HURTS US,

  3. I still cannot understand what the real point of what a narcissist does with the whole pedestal-devaluation cyclee is. There’s no logic to it. If other people and particularly the chosen victims aren’t worthy, why bother with them? In fact, why devote all this energy to them? If you’re that great and superior, can’t you just be great and superior without spending all your time plotting ways to make an inferior creature worship you? If I feel like I’m better than someone else, I avoid them because they aren’t worth my time. I don’t get anything out of being around them, except annoyance. I can’t help thinking that at some point the narcissist must think their victim IS awesome, but then they lose interest–they can’t sustain their own illusion, they get bored. Because otherwise… why bother? Just find another person whom you DO think is that awesome. If the narcissist is never himself convinced about the whole pedestal thing, there’s no point to it.

    1. Hello Ann,
      I have an idea of how perplexed you might be feeling as I, too, have asked similar questions. Actually, the very first question I posted to HG was inquiring why a narcissist returns? Sure, I was marinating in my emotional thinking as there was little about narcissism that made sense to me, yet it was logic (well, the narcissist’s logic-defying behaviors) that made me reach out to ask.

      Like you, I was annoyed (still am). I could see the patterns of how my narcissist became easily bored throughout his life. I thought that if narcissists are soooo fantastic, above everyone else, why return to someone recently viewed as beneath them?

      I didn’t realize that hidden within my question was the answer. It didn’t seem logical that if we are just appliances to be used (considering the plentiful shiny, fresh prospects mingling about) why go back to one whom you’ve already damaged, have beaten down to the point that she has become submissive, numb, and at times, practically lifeless?

      HG responded with many reasons why a narcissist returns as he let me know that in the narcissist’s mind, he owns us.

      Nice, eh?

      I was pissed to think that a man thought of me as an object, but as HG explained how a narcissist invests in us, I eventually understood that they return to see if there is anything to gain from their investment. This made me feel like an old banking phrase… “taking the sugar” off of a CD. But that’s how a narcissist often conducts his business… leaving the original investment intact but periodically returning to take any “gains” he can easily withdrawal.

      They don’t want to completely deplete us because there would be nothing to procure by losing their original investment. So they keep us tucked to the side (or on the shelf) hiding us inside their memory vault… like an emergency stash of cash.

      I eventually saw how I was nothing more than a manner of convenience. So my goal is to eventually show zero balance. But it is a process, a daunting, confusing, s-l-o-w process.

      It is, indeed, our qualities that they “love,” but because they need these traits, they end up hating us. I believe that they despise us because WE hold the actual power.

      We simply possess their needs. So the cycle continues. They want to know that they still have an effect on us; they NEED to believe that they still hold their special powers. They still want us, but they don’t. The old saying about that thin line is true. And sometimes I feel that love and hate are the same to a narcissist. But HG helped me to see how the relationship is all about the fuel. My fuel, which is his fuel… because he “owns” me.

      I saw first-hand how HG answered my question with the knowledge that only his kind has. It wasn’t long after HG’s explanation that I received a text from my narcissist… “You’re still mine, whether you know it or not.”

      Well, Ann… I’m slowly breaking free, whether he knows it or not. 😊

      Wishing the best for you.

  4. NO if I had love for the narc. it turned in to pure hate. All negative. Any good memory I have of him, is replaced with He bullshit conned lied to me. Of how he talk to me, treated me, gave to me, had sex with me, just like the 100 harem of women over 20 years. He says the same things to us. I made him this very special token box. It took me weeks to collect things of quotes to put in it. Photos. I spent weeks making a new interior design for his beach house. All things he either put in his pile of collecting the love gifts of his women or he threw away. I only wanted the Toke Box Back….nope LOVE WAS KILLED AND REPLACED WITH PURE HATE AS HE IS NOT HUMAN AND DESIRES TO DIE. The End….

    1. Ugh, I’m sorry and can relate. For Valentine’s day I gave him a jar full of pieces of paper, each containing a thing I love about him. Ah the shame now. And the fuel! 😨🤬

      1. Wissh
        You need not feel shame. It’s what you felt at the time and it did not deplete you. It was quite charitable of you to share of your positive fuel for hopefully his last gift.

      2. NA
        Thank you. Unfortunately not the last gift, but certainly the most personal. But gifts to him ended in June, to his granddaughter in August/September after I initiated NC.

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