Scapegoat

 

scapegoat

“You don’t want to end up like him do you now?”

Years later those words still echo through my mind. They act as some cruel guardian which ensures that I will never stumble, never flounder and never fall victim to the injustices which this world has in store for me. I was shown what happens to those who are weak, those who fail to seize control and grasp the power for themselves. The consequences of failure were paraded before me on an almost daily basis to allow me to witness the full horror of what it was to be sub-standard, below par and just not good enough.

I knew that this fate must not befall me and that it became necessary for me to clamber higher than everybody else no matter what it took or what the cost was. So long as there was somebody underneath me on that ladder as I climbed, then, as the saying goes, the devil would take the hindmost.

Onwards and upwards, climbing higher and higher to escape the consequences of vulnerability, weakness and failure. I was given a swift induction into learning how to stay ahead and protect myself. There were two routes available to ensure that you stayed number one and the best. Strive to stay ahead of the opposition and by the opposition I was taught that this means everybody else and furthermore bring the opposition down so that they become subsumed into the quagmire of failure.

If your opponent is taller, chop him off at the knees. If he is better looking, fling acid in his face. If he is smarter, batter his brains out. If he is stronger, poison him into weakness. If he is wealthier, sap him of penny and cent. If he lives in a pleasant place, pollute the neighbourhood. If he has a good job, get him sacked. Figuratively speaking some of the time of course and that means to do all of those things, that it is necessary to play the scapegoat card. Become proficient at pointing the finger elsewhere, cultivate persuasiveness so that the allocation of blame falls on the shoulders of another, practise plausible deniability so the mantle of fault never rests on my head. Never be the one at fault. Ever. Those were my instructions.

The indoctrination continued. You are not to blame, you are not guilty, you are not the problem, you did not cause the problem either. Erase sorry from your vocabulary as you do not feel it, remove the idea of apologising as you have nothing to apologise for, do not express anything which might be regarded as guilt as that is an alien concept.

There is always somebody else who can be blamed. It does not take long for the repeated mantra of it never being my fault to engender that sense of impregnability and a lack of accountability. Since it is the fault of everyone else it is impeccable logic is it not that it can never be my fault? It therefore follows that if it is never my fault then such a fault-free individual is truly superior and stands above all others.

To facilitate this it therefore becomes necessary to identify a scapegoat or more accurately scapegoats. The role of scapegoat slots seamlessly into our thinking. Fault is an intangible concept but it exists. Someone is always to blame. I was taught that from the beginning. Things do not just happen, they happen for a reason and the reason that she was always crying, that he was always failing, that they were socially ostracised, that she could not pass her exam, that he never scored a goal, that they never went on holiday, that he could not hold down a job, that she was a single mother, that he had a drink problem, that she was ugly, that he lived in a poor area, that she was never invited out, that he died alone, that she was beaten, that he was arrested, that she was raped, that he was murdered was because they were scapegoats.

Make others the scapegoat and immunity from fault and blame follows and thus one can move without hindrance, barrier or boundary. Make him or her a scapegoat because if you do not get in first they will do it to you. Make sure you blame them before they can turn that accusing eye in your direction. Stay one, no ten, steps ahead. They deserve to be blamed. If they had any value they would not be stigmatised in such a fashion, it is their own fault.

I learnt that they may come with smiles but the blade of blame is held behind their back ready to strike, so plunge your dagger of fault deep into them first. Do not be taken in by the false proclamations of love and compassion, they are but veils to place across my eyes so a crown of accountability can be thrust on my head.

Soon, the lessons that I learned began to automatically teach me. Not feeling enough attention at a party? The guests are ignorant and impolite. Tell one that this is a case and see how the attention shifts. Served slowly at the bar? The bar man is incompetent and he should be reminded of this fact. See how he has responded now? Report not completed on time? Find a junior colleague and point out how he has failed to provide the necessary information. Criticised for not earning enough? Blame the bosses for running the company into the ground and failing to reward an achiever such as I. Feeling restless and unloved? Lash out at her so she seeks to make amends. Stuck in a traffic jam? Blame the department of transport for the ill-thought out road works. Struggling to sleep? Must be those damned neighbours and their late-night music, go and give them a piece of your mind and see how much better you feel when you point out they are at fault.

But what if it is not those things and it is because I am not interesting enough to talk to, or not attractive enough to catch the server’s eye, or not good enough at my job, or not hitting the targets because I cannot apply the required effort, or because I do not show her any affection any longer, or because I set off late from the house, or because I fell asleep this afternoon?

Never. That is what they want you to think. That is the control that they seek to exert over you. That is how they get inside your mind and try to make you think that you are weak, when you are not. Remember, they want you to be the scapegoat. They want you to be the failure, they want you to be the subject of their blaming, so you take the rap, take the hit and become the patsy. Yes, you are right, I remember now.

The diktat still resonates even now, reminding and emphasising. That is not your role. You are better than all of them. You will rise above them and to do that you must work hard at everything and ensure that they are the ones who are to blame, because they are. They are the ones who are trying to stop you achieving and claiming what is rightfully yours. They are the traitors, the insidious foes, the treacherous betrayers who spout sedition and practise disloyalty. Let them know who they are, scapegoat them.

Thus this carries into everything that we do. We find a scapegoat in every aspect of our lives. The put-upon sibling, the browbeaten colleague, the lambasted neighbour, the oddball in the local superstore, the subjugated underling, the butt of the social circle and most of all you, the intimate partner who becomes the ultimate scapegoat.

It is you that becomes the receptacle for our domineering, hectoring, nagging, bullying, blaming, intimidating, coercing, blaming, accusing, menacing, terrorising, bludgeoning and oppressive persecutions. You burnt dinner, you made the white shirt turn pink, you forgot to get that present that we wanted, you failed to satisfy our sexual appetite, you made us be unfaithful, you made us break that mirror, you made us slap you, you made us ill, you made our team lose, you cost us that promotion, you woke us too early, you woke us too late, you let us fall asleep, you kept us awake, you didn’t do it, you did it. Again.

This conditioning ensured that the only way to stay ahead, to win and to succeed was to find someone else to blame and that does not change because we know you are just waiting to try to blame us, well we know your game. We have you in our eyes and it is you who is to blame, not us.

The only way to prevent the hell of being a scapegoat is to make others a scapegoat instead.

And so I do as I do, I say as I say and I am what I am so that I do not end up like him, like her, like them, like you.

Can you really blame me for doing that?

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24 thoughts on “Scapegoat”

  1. We all have free will. We have all been created with the capacity to choose. You cannot force anybody to do something. Even God, with all his power, wisdom, love and justice, would not force a human being to serve him. Though he probably could. (Deuteronomy 30:19)
    Even Jesus had free will to do as his Father instructed him, to be obedient while on earth or not, to be a ransom in exchange for many, (Matthew 16:26) to reclaim as it were what Adam lost for us in the beginning. (Romans 5:12)
    It had to be another perfect human. (Romans 5:19) This gave us all the opportunity to be able to have a relationship with God, (Jehovah) and through exercising faith in that ransom sacrifice, we could all not only have forgiveness for our sins, but be able to have the chance to live forever on the earth as God has purposed for humankind right from the beginning. (John 3:16). Jesus did what he did because he loved his Father and wanted his Father’s will to be done. (John 8:29) As we pray in the Lords prayer. Many people pray this but do not understand it. (Matthew 6:9-13)
    We know at present Satan the Devil is ruler of this system of things, (and can’t we tell) (1 John 5:19) and he is indeed the narc god, until God says, man has had enough of trying to rule himself, in a number of ways. We were not created to rule ourselves. He knows this. (Ecclesiastes 8:9) However, Satan decided he knew better, (as narcs do).
    It’s a bit like when a teacher at school, decides to teach an equation, and a cocky student says, I bet I can do that better, and so the teacher, knowing the rest of the class is looking on – (all other creation, heavenly or human) lets him have the chalk and the board for a while. But the teacher knows the student does not have the best interests of the class, he is just there to show off, and bring out other cocky students and cause disruption. The teacher however, is patient, and has the best interests of all the students there. (2 Peter 3:9) The teacher (God) wants them all to see the dynamic played out in front of them, and for them to come to the correct conclusions themselves based upon the book he has given them the bible. (Romans 15:4). The student (Satan) doesn’t care about anyone else there in the class (mankind), he just cares about himself and wanting to “look” good. But the teacher needs to show the class that his way of solving the equation is the correct way. (Isaiah 48:17,18)
    So he has to let the student get it wrong so that everyone can see the student was in fact lying.
    There is a difference between allowing something to happen and causing it.
    Satan rules the world now because we are in the part where he is trying to solve the equation as it were. (2 Timothy 3:1-5). But soon it’s going to be obvious that he doesn’t have the answer. God will take the chalk off of him, and put him back in his place. (Revelation 20:1-3)

    If you don’t wish to put this up HG, it’s fine. I do not want to cause a religious debate. I’ll leave it up to you.

      1. Twilight, what I believe makes no difference to anyone else.
        I do not wish to debate religion or different faiths that many may or may not have on here. I don’t feel it is the place. If you wish to learn more about what I personally believe though, then you are welcome to email me. My email is on my wordpress account.

      2. tigerchelle78

        I assumed you understood the Bible enough to throw out scripture we may have been able to have a discussion each of us could learn something new from a different perspective.

  2. When I read this I thought about
    JESUS
    Yes, Jesus, the Creator, the Lord of the Universe.
    Who – stepped in to time and space as a baby, worked as a humble carpenter and then became the ULTIMATE Scapegoat. For us.
    He didn’t have to –
    He chose to. Take Sin and all the worlds ills on himself.
    That is my perspective on things from a Religious background.
    Course my X knew about Jesus and came to church but still was unable to find healing for that inner wound.

    I wish I could have opened his eyes – to see that you can be vulnerable and still strong. You can be ridiculed by others as a failure but sleep well at night knowing you have tried to make the world a better place.

    My X tried to make me a scapegoat but I never really accepted his lies. I know my worth – I know my vulnerabilities and weaknesses and I accept my humanity. I don’t have to be the best. The greatest.
    I can have good days and bad days – but I am still me. Learning, growing.
    I would rather love people.

    As Jesus did.

    And go one day where Jesus is. Following HIS path of light and love and faith.

    The alternative is narcissism. Hate, envy, greed. Never being guilty – but really being very guilty of so much.
    And in the end we have one judge.
    Something all narcs should ponder.

    1. Jane Hall
      My thought on that is that it would seem narcky to create someone only to judge them for it later.

      1. God created people for fellowship.
        By doing so – he knew
        they had their choices
        their freedom
        Otherwise – what kind of love would there be? A forced Love, the love of a robot.

        Those created would have free will. Choice.
        And they chose – badly, time and time again. As we do still.

        That’s why Jesus stepped in.

        He knew we were unable to live to a standard high enough to enter the holiness of Gods presence. Hence, Jesus as the Scapegoat for our sins. Our losses and failings.

        God created us for fellowship.

        There is suffering.
        In this world.

        But we don’t see the full picture.

        And we have children?? We know – the world we are bringing them in to. We are bringing the children in to a world with the knowledge that our beloved children WILL at times suffer. They will struggle. But we long for children anyway.

        The Gospel story is that there is a way for renewal. and for friendship even with our Creator. That is an AMAZING thought but worth pursuing ?

        Pray and find out for yourself.

    2. Jane Hall

      We were created in God image, to which God holds ALL traits both positive and negative. Is this something you believe?

  3. Freedom Increases Responsibility

    You cannot be truly free, you cannot know liberty or sovereignty if you are not accountable for your own actions. You are a slave to your disorder. Scapegoating is a blatant red flag….that the person doing the scapegoating is mentally unstable. Everyone sees it for what it is except for the narcissist.

    1. “everyone sees it for what it is ” – if only they did. They have been swept away by the attention ,& the flattery. So they can’t see or they don’t care. Where there are scapegoats there are also favourites having a marvellous ride.

      1. where there are scapegoats there are others in savage denial, and others living with cognitive dissonance so they can survive the warping dynamic. It’s not much different to a cult

  4. Dear H.G.,

    love your writing, as always. I can’t blame you, and I don’t. Here’s what popped into my head when I finished reading, though: you’re not going to like it:

    “When I was a child, I thought like a child, I spoke as a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man I gave up childish ways.” (1Cor13:11)

    Love always, to you and your sister,

    Pam B.

      1. HG, I believe you’ve changed substantially as this week I’ve taken time to go back to when you started. Initially, u said u were partaking in therapy only as a means to an end–in order to get an inheritance. Period.

        Would you say your reasons have changed since then?

  5. I find articles written in this style to be intentionally provocative.. they ask questions! They give an opinion/ a perspective, but they also cause the reader to reflect and ask themselves questions.

    Blame shifting for the narcissist has always presented to me as a paradox in nature. Can someone be seen as weak when you give them power over you?
    The concept of “ they are to blame”
    “You made me do it”
    “You made me “

    In my view attributing blame elsewhere is also atttributing power elsewhere! It could be viewed as someone else having power over the narcissist to have the ability to “make them do so something “.
    Or is this a continuation of the contrary nature of the narcissist and nothing more?

    It feels like there is a need for a scapegoat, for the same reason that there is a need for the golden person/ child.

    For one to be golden, pure, good and painted white, there is a need for another to be a scapegoat, dirty, bad, painted black. The opposing forces bring a kind of equilibrium! The balance to the force, the black and white reinforcements for the construct. The see saw, that can tip up and down in a motion trying to achieve this balance at the correct weight distribution. The sweet and sour ingredients of a cake coming together to make it just Perfect.

    I can only guess as with everything else it is perspective based, however this is how it presents to me. He blamed me ! He gave me power! I made him Persue me, I made him want me, I made him cheat on his girlfriend, I made him into a bad person..
    oh my it sounds like I’m the great puppeteer! The all powerful wizard of freaking oz ! Not a status I actually want or strive for, and clearly not the perspective of a narcissist when he shifts blame. Blame is bad so it has to be cast over the bad people right!

    1. That’s a very interesting perspective, Quasi.

      I have been scapegoated much of my life and certainly never felt it gave me any power. I never thought of the narc’s blaming me as,
      “You made me do this!” so much as,
      “Since you were such a dismal failure, I had to step in and do this!”
      More like they had to take whatever action they did, because we let them down and they had to soldier on as best they could.

      1. Hi windstorm, Thank you for reading and responding to my comment. The reference of “you made me do this” was taken from the article above and my experience with the narcissist. He said those things to me, I made him want me and made him cheat on his girlfriend- not in the same terms ( he was not that articulate/ and some of what he said is not suitable for print).

        I guess my comment was more focussed on blame shifting as a trait and another way of looking at this.
        The scapegoat element I do feel seems to be the balance of if one is good another needs to be bad. I do not feel I was a scapegoat particularly but just blamed by him for the actions he took.

        I can not ever imagine the experiences that you have had been through, viewed as the scapegoat. Being made to feel that you have failed a person is very different to being blamed in the way I have described, and I agree that a sense of power can not be felt through this. It would be disempowering and deeply wound the self esteem. I can only imagine how this can affect a child especially.

        Windstorm I would like to take an opportunity to thank you for responding to me in such a kind way. I can totally see how my perspective and the way in which I have articulated it could cause others to think , no this is not the case and not power, and they may find my comment a difficult read. It is important for me to know this.

        You have such a lovely way of acknowledging another persons perspective and expressing an opinion of your own, or sharing an alternative perspective, you do this without making the person feel bad for what they have expressed. That is the wisdom and caring nature you have. Thank you so much windstorm, reading your words helps me a great deal, with understanding, where I have not experienced.

        I guess I can only ever speak of my view based on my interactions with the narcissist as an adult, his blame shifting was very much “it’s your fault, you made me do it”.
        The way I try to look at things from lots of different angles will often lead me to look at this from a more positive angle where possible.. for him i did think, so if I made you, I have power over you? With his superiority this always seemed so contradictory to me.
        But contrary Is the way for the narcissist, well it was for the one I knew anyway…
        Qx

      2. Quasi,
        All any of us can ever really do is give our own perspective. Never feel bad if someone else’s is different to your own. Their situation is almost certainly different to yours.

        Your further explanation makes me understand your perspective much better. If a narc ever said to me, “You made me do this” or “This is your fault!” I’d have just laughed at him! I might have even said something like, “Yeah, I control all your actions!” while still laughing at him! But then, I’ve never been much around lessers or violent narcs.

        My narcs never said things like that. They considered that childish and to be ridiculed (and indeed did make fun of anyone who said things like that). They said or implied that my incompetence or unreliability forced them into having to step in and do what was necessary. Which seems to me a much more negative, hurtful comment (and certainly not as laughable).

        So you’re right and I agree with you. If any narc says “we made them do it” to us, we can feel powerful! But unfortunately I fear the truth is that they’re just not very smart. Lol!

      3. Very true windstorm… the narcissist I knew did not have the sharpest intellect. He was the type that would insist that he attended “ the university of life”. He hated my education and career, he driped with envy which became more apparent the longer I knew him, after my bronze period.. so a preferred perspective could be power in knowing better, and being able to comprehend a lot more then he can.

        Your narcissists were clearly of a greater intellect and malevolence, if I experienced that I would not laugh either, I do not believe I would have the same perspective I do know. That Experience would have likely shaped me into another person completely. I’m not sure I would have had your strength and spirit to endure it and be as you are now.

        It was a saving grace that the narcissist I knew was who he was, I learned from him in such a way, that I did not loose myself fully. But I’m actually an improved version of myself as a result of knowing him and the way I chose to process my time with him. I am thankful for this on a daily basis, thankful for who he is, the limited time I was in his world, what I learned, and how I have changed.

        I didn’t feel bad windstorm, I am very open to others views and perspectives, I was really just acknowledging your ability to communicate in a way which would not cause anyone offence or hurt, or make them feel bad.
        You have got “the skills to pay the bills” , and your just generally awesome..

      4. Quasi,
        Here in my area narcs would say they attended the “school of hard knocks.” I guess the narcs here aren’t pretentious enough to imply that it was a university! Lol!

        What you said about envy of your education is very true here, also. Of course narcs are envious all the time about something, but it used to really surprise me how many women teachers’ husbands were envious and ran their wives down, because the wives had college degrees and they didn’t. It seemed illogical to me, since it brought so much more money into the household. But over time (and especially if I met the husbands) I came to see it was just narc envy born of insecurity. And it generated abuse and ridicule for these women for working hard and being successful to help their families – which really violated my sense of justice!

        It’s like that old saying that “you should never rise above your raising.” I think that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard!! That was obviously thought up by a narcissist and is kept alive by others narcs! Any loving parent wants their children to be as successful as possible. Whenever I hear any comment that ridicules a supposed loved one’s success, it sets the narc alarms off in my mind.

      5. Quasi,
        Oh, and thank you so much for the kind things you said about my comments! That was very sweet! ❤️

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