Every Day Spent With Me Means Another Part Of Your Heart Dies

every-dayspent-with-memeans-anotherpart-ofyour-heartdies

The heart of an empath is treasured by our kind. Whilst our own hearts are black and iced, the heart of the empath radiates with fuel. It is capable of love, desire, admiration, compassion, concern, hurt and so many other emotions which radiate from it. The empathic heart is a veritable fuel pump and as such is coveted by us. It has so much more to it than that which we have in our hearts. We are envious of this but recognise how such a heart is there to serve us and cater for our needs.

You, as an empathic individual, also have one further major difference between your heart and ours.

Yours is free.

Your heart is free to choose who it engages with. Who it falls in love with, who it wishes to show joy to, who it wishes to share its innermost desires and secrets with. It is free to show its pain to those that it chooses.

We are jealous of that freedom. Our desire to receive the bountiful fuel which is pumped from you by this delicious heart brings with it our desire to capture it and prevent you exercising this freedom any further.

Our dark hearts are bound to the venom that flows through us, to the vitriol which we spray over those around us and the adherence to hatred, envy, fury and other such dark emotions. Our hearts know no such freedom like yours. The nature of our hearts is that they are pre-ordained in how they will function.

In capturing your heart for the purposes of fuel, we also desire to capture your heart to take away this freedom that you have and the absolute method of removing this freedom is to bring about the effective ‘death’ of your heart.

We are insidious agents, proponents of the salami-slicing approach which enables us to secure our aims through a thousand deft and delicate cuts so that you never notice what is actually happening. We are no different in this modus operandi when it comes to the ‘killing’ of your heart. The death of your heart is effected through the removal of its freedom.

Each and every day we advance our cause to gain fuel and to secure the bondage of your heart, little by little, as we strip it of its freedom. Through the dazzling love-bombing we invade it, taking it piece by piece so that it belongs to us. We permeate your life through our compliments, our apparent love, our fabricated passion for you, our illusory desire as you are gradually over run and conquered. With each passing day as we unleash our charm on you, our legions of text messages, our battalions of telephone conversations and the marching foot soldiers of love, we take a piece of your heart and capture it. Thus a part of it has effectively ‘died’ since it has lost that free will.

Of course, entirely consistent with the notion of romance that you have been indoctrinated with, the capture of your heart in such a way is regarded as a wonderful thing. You are  regarding this capture as one which is healthy, respectful and you do not recognise that it has been predicated on a false premise.

Once we have you embedded your heart is ours. It has been captured. You no longer are afforded the choice of where your emotions can be directed. They must be directed towards us and us alone for the purposes of our fuel provision. The onslaught continues as having captured your heart, we then set about our scorched earth approach through devaluation as our despicable manipulations and horrid machinations are deployed against you for the purposes of maintaining the occupation of your heart and the total hegemonic control of its emotional output.

We captured the good – the love, the admiration, the compassion, the happiness, the joy and so forth.

Now we capture the bad – the pain, the hurt, the fear, the terror, the hatred and all other negative emotions.

Little by little, day by day, we invade your heart and occupy it, making it ours, commandeering its emotional resources for our own use and in so doing we strip away its ability to function in a free manner.

The removal of this freedom is how your heart dies when you are with us.

This happens on a daily basis as we slowly cause your heart to ‘die’ through our polluted control of you.

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58 thoughts on “Every Day Spent With Me Means Another Part Of Your Heart Dies”

      1. Maybe he/she isn’t an empath. Cynical means to be concerned with one’s own interests or to believe that others are only motivated by self interest. Just a thought…I have no opinion either way.

      2. Jess
        Yes, I did consider that possibility. I viewed the statement as a conversational lead, with their view interesting to me whether they are empath or narc.

      3. NarcAngel,

        More power to you. My magnet tendencies don’t allow me the patience to engage in overtly cynical comments such as this. Everything is a choice… With hope, it’s an empath who is “down in the dumps” and can be brought out of it. <3

  1. Nina, you wont just get over it. Adapting from a raging sea to sunshine and lollipops takes time. Your emotions were abused and are traumatized. You’ve changed into a stronger person now and see the world as it is. A big fat red pill indeed.

  2. It’s been 5 months since I escaped and I still feel dead inside. Empty. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t feel anything at all but shame.I used to be full of light, a little firecracker ,but he extinguished me. I’m worried I’ll never feel alive again.

    1. Ninaestrella
      You’re making progress if you don’t cry anymore. Five months is not that long (but it sure feels long when you’re in pain!). Hang in there and you will heal. It’s just a slow process. Stay here on the blog and keep reading and learning. ❤️

    2. It will change ninaestralla, there is no set timescale for the journey, but one thing is for sure, the journey is not static, and you will notice shifts of change even if they are slight.
      The main focus will need to be you. Self care, being as kind to yourself as possible.
      Give yourself time to heal and feel, you will start to feel again, one day you will shock yourself when something makes you laugh out load.
      Little sparks will start to show again.
      The focus needs to go away from the narcissist and back to you, you are important and you are enough..

      When people have been through the darkest of times and they feel that they are in the depths of a well, that little pin prick of light up there seems so far away, but there is a ladder, there is steps you can take. With each little step you can see more light and less dark, and when you reach the top you can see the future.. it takes steps, the steps can only be defined by you as you know you best.

      Just as something for you to read and maybe draw some comfort from –

      William Ernest Henly – “Invictus”

      “Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole. I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.

      In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud, under the bludgeonings of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed.

      Beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror of the shade.
      And yet the menance of the years finds, and shall find me unafraid.

      It matters not how strait the gate, how changed with punishments the scroll.

      I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”

      – With this I read the Essence of taking your power back, and rising up again.

      Maya Angelou- I rise

      “ You may chard me in the very dirt, but still like dust I rise”.

      That is only one line but the whole poem is amazing. If you search her on you tube, to hear her recite it is a very special thing.

      Take care ninaestralla, keep reading here, knowledge can give you so much in your healing journey.
      Express yourself here if you would like to, and feel comfortable to. If not here writing down thoughts etc can help as it can take them out of your mind for a while and may help you process things.

      You will get there, you are alive and you light will burn bright again. He can’t extinguish something he can no longer touch. What is within you is your own, yours and no one else’s.

      Breath deep and take the steps..

      1. Thank you. I will read those beautiful poems over and over until they become part of me.

      2. Your very welcome ninastralla, the battle to make yourself whole again, is indicative of the nobility of the human spirit.. Maya Angelou speaks of this- here she is, words can be incredibly powerful when spoken by a courageous heart.

        https://youtu.be/JqOqo50LSZ0

    3. Ninaestralla, I once said that mine crushed my spirt – it seemed that he aimed for it and stomped on it. Your light will come back and you will feel alive again. Remember that they take it because they don’t have it themselves. They are the ones who are dead inside. Not us.

      1. Thank you for your kind words. Yes his eyes were empty mostly like he was lifeless.

  3. “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” Proverbs 4:23
    In the Taoist tradition the heart is the cauldron where the two ingredients (Lead and Mercury, the Soul and the Spirit) are mixed. In the Christian tradition this sacred place is called a “bridal chamber”. The heart is the psycho-emotional device that enables us to achieve oneness and if it is in bad shape (broken cauldron) it is useless for cultivation. It’s important to have healthy and calm heart, free from any cravings. That’s why in ancient times they went to remote places like high mountains and monasteries.

  4. This article reminds me of the bible proverb:
    “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23

    Certain bible passages and the “advice” in them have made me think deeply about certain things over the years, even though I wouldn’t say I’m “religious”. The above proverb is one of them. There is a lot of “truth” in such proverbs, and they become even more meaningful the more knowledge you gain about other things.

  5. But our hearts fiercely come back to life and return to almost its former condition. The only difference is, we are more cautious and we don’t let just anyone in.

    1. What exactly is “former condition” when you’re born to a Matrinarc? There is no before, only a life of conditioned compliance.

      1. I don’t know how that must feel but I assume awful. I am so sorry. I was taking about my ex-husband so for me there was a before and after. I hope you find peace.

      2. I wasn’t barking at you specifically, just barking in general. Finding peace, maybe. Finding anger, definitely! My best toyou in your journey.

      3. IdaNoe,

        That’s a very interesting question and it’s one I’ve asked myself too. I think being a child of a narcissist really messes up your own knowledge about what is truly in your heart, or, in other words, your own “self-knowledge”. If we think about our “heart” as being our natural – or biological – emotional state, I think our “heart” can also be defined as our “self” in some ways.

        It’s different for everyone because we are all unique and the path we take to reach that “former condition” will vary for each person. Although the path may be different and the obstacles we need to overcome are different, the end goal is kind of the same.

        In my own case, I spent many years living with fear. I felt I couldn’t trust anyone. I really felt this as a fear. It was a deep and all-encompassing feeling of a lack of security and not knowing who I could really turn to or believe in. It got to the point where I felt like it was all too hard and I didn’t know what else to do.

        Then I received a kind of revelation. I don’t know how else to explain it. I started to feel that I could trust in the universe and that if there was no other “person” to trust, it was okay because I could believe in nature and the universe because “they” were beyond the caprices, vices, judgements and manipulations of humans. There is a greater power in the universe and it can be trusted. Maybe this is how some people see God. I’m not really religious, so I don’t think of it as a “god” but more as the power of nature.

        Anyway, once I started feeling this “power” as being beyond the power of humans, I started to trust in it. It was like the power of nature was looking after me, even when I felt anxious and alone. Then I started to feel I would be okay and that there was less to fear because nature had made me capable. My fear and internal anxiety reduced and I started to feel my own “self” or “heart” a lot more.

        Logic makes me think that at this point, I felt a stronger belief in my own intuition and I stopped caring so much about what other people thought. My own thoughts were just as important and worthy. These thought processes made me feel a lot stronger within myself. They also make me feel less dependent on other people and less inclined to fall for emotional manipulations. I didn’t need to prove anything anymore or “fix” other people as much. I also feel more protective of my own self, because I value it more.

        It’s a gradual process, but I feel this was a turning point. It came late in life and after many years of being manipulated from when I was very young. However, in some ways it feels like being born again. I feel more calm within myself and as though I have a better knowledge and control of my own self. I feel this is the former condition nature intended for me to be. I hope that makes sense.

      4. WiserNow
        Wow! My own past experience is so very much like your own! My life was always ruled by fear and self-doubt, too.

        My life changing moment came in my 30’s when I realized I seemed to always be getting into situations with misery-making decisions that I felt incompetent to make and I would end up praying to God to solve. I decided to just turn all my actions over to God/the Universe and cut out all that misery of trying to fix/figure things out myself. From that time forward, every decision I make, I first open my mind and see if I feel pulled toward one choice more than the other. Then I go with the one that pulled me. It was a turning point in my life, too. So much of my fear and self-doubt just melted away and my life has been so much smoother. I just let God handle it all!

      5. Hi Windstorm,
        It’s always lovely to hear from you! 🙂
        It sounds like you reached a very similar way of thinking. I felt the fear and self-doubt you mention too. In my case, it stemmed from a lack of true trust. I felt that I couldn’t rely on the people around me in a real sense for my own sense of security.

        Also like you, I found myself in miserable situations too. In my case, these miserable experiences escalated the lack of trust and insecurity. The more I tried to create agreeable situations with people, the harder it seemed to get. What made it worse was that I felt other people were only too happy to take the benefits of my efforts, while leaving me with more confusion and mistrust because not only did they not reciprocate, but they were purposely destructive. It felt horrible and emotionally very painful. Now I can see that my “efforts” were mostly directed at narcissists.

        When I eventually reached a state of deep despair and hopelessness, I realised I didn’t have the power to change these people or situations. So, I decided, like you, to let the universe (or God) handle it. I knew that all my previous intentions and efforts weren’t done to harm or destroy, so I thought, if the universe recognises the “good” energy I had tried to convey, it will somehow reflect it back to me without me needing to try so hard. So I decided to let go. And things began to feel lighter and easier.

        I feel that there really is some truth in the saying, “Trust the Universe”. No matter how much humans think they can control things, I believe there is a bigger, more powerful, natural energy that guides things along.

      6. WiserNow
        “So I decided to let go. And things began to feel lighter and easier.”

        This reminds me of a bumper sticker my mother in law had on her car for years. She was big into AlAnon and it was one of their sayings, “Let go and let God.” I used to think that was one of the stupidest sayings that I’d ever heard!

        Then after my personal epiphany and how much relief, happiness and confidence it had brought me, I happened to see that saying again. Where I’d previously scoffed at it in ignorance, now I understood it and realized how profound it was.

        It really made me stop and think about how the answers to our problems can be right in front of us, but we can’t see them because our own prejudices, wishes, desires or fears blind us. I guess that’s what emotional thinking is and how it keeps us trapped.

      7. Windstorm can you explain something to me? I’m not being a bitch or snarky, I just really dont get it. You’re here learning about narcissism to take control of your life, to take it back from your narcissist(s). Then you give it up again to a God? And follow blindly? I dont understand. Isn’t that just switching from one God to another? I mean that’s what all mine wanted, was to be my God. To do as they wish to me with no repercussions. I dont understand handing your control away again to something/ someone who may or may not be there, who didn’t protect you as a child before you “sinned”, and probably doesn’t give a fuck now either. I mean if they were really there, why allow so much suffering? I know “for learning”, but babies, animals, the planet can’t learn that way. So who benefits from their suffering other than something perverse? I’m really not being mean, I dont understand faith. I believe in animals and plants. I think people suck. And if were made in a gods image, it must suck too.

      8. IdaNoe
        I understand your viewpoint, but it’s difficult to explain my own.

        First I would say that while a narc might want us to think of him as God and to totally control and manipulate us, that does not at all make him God – whether we believe him or not.

        And your initial premise is incorrect. I’m not here to take control of my life and take it back from narcissists. I did that many years ago. I’m here to learn more about narcissism and see how this fits in with my own experiences. To learn more about myself and to offer support to others.

        My own beliefs are my own and what fits best with my own understanding and past experiences. I rarely share them with anyone because they are basically heretical in all major religions, although they are closest to certain schools of Buddhism.

        I believe that there is a power that created and runs the universe. The nature of this power is beyond my understanding, but I am certain that it exists, because I have personally seen and felt evidence of its interaction in my own life. I can feel this power, although I can not understand it. This power is what I call “God.”

        I don’t believe that I am giving my power over myself and my life to another power called God. Instead, I have acknowledged that any apparent power I have comes FROM God. The idea of me having my own separate power is just an illusion, since God is the creative power of all things in the universe. What I have done is stopped fighting against this power and let it have free reign in my life. (At least that’s what I try to do. It’s a work in progress 😊)

        I just go about my life one moment at a time and look for what seems best to do in that moment and then do it. That’s what I mean by saying I’m letting the universe guide me. It may seem stupid or overly simplistic, but it’s truly amazing how well it works.

        As to being a sinner, being right or wrong or the truth – I believe those are just opinions that depend on your point of view. It is an illusion that they have intrinsic meaning.

        As to suffering, I agree with the Buddha that suffering comes from attachment. We create our own suffering by attaching ourselves to impermanent things like people, objects and our own desires. Much like how we created suffering by attaching ourselves to narcissists.

        I hope this answers your question. My apologies to anyone this offends.

      9. That was beautiful windstorm.. I think it is lovely to hear about others beliefs and this was particularly well articulated and sincere. I’m not sure how you could cause any offence, you are responding to a direct question in relation to your beliefs and I feel that you have responded with grace and respect for the person who asked this of you. Some may not have taken the question as well as you did and this Is indicative of your quality of character in my opinion.
        Qx

      10. Quasi
        Thank you very much! It is very nice to hear a positive response to my beliefs. I live in a very religious area called the Bible Belt. People here have very strong religious beliefs and often react unfavorably to what they consider heresy. Sometimes they are offended, sometimes scandalized, sometimes genuinely concerned for my soul. At the very least, my beliefs make people uncomfortable. It seems best for everyone If I keep my opinions to myself.

      11. I do not have any religion or faith but believe everyone should be free to believe what is in their heart to believe and be free to express it. Where you live sounds like a difficult environment to feel free in doing this so, I can only imagine it’s about doing what you feel comfortable with and knowing in yourself, and your own mind what brings you strength and guidance.
        I personally like hearing your opinions and thoughts. I feel I learn a great deal from you. Thank you

      12. Hi Windstorm

        You know that I have strong and mostly unwelcome opinions on this subject, but I wanted to say that I really appreciate your explanation and respect that it is what works for you and brings you comfort. I’m glad you have that. You have never tried to push your beliefs on others or tried to infer that others have had, or are having, a hard time because they have not taken this route, which is usually what offends me. I will also say that I understand Idanoes question and confusion, and credit them for asking, as it is a difficult subject for many and you are never quite sure how to approach it or how it will be received. You handled yourself most eloquently, but then I have come to expect no less from you.

        PS. Im still not having any part of it, but I absolutely understand it for you lol.

      13. Thanks, NarcAngel. Yeah, politics and religion are usually not good subjects for conversation unless you know in advance that the other person agrees with you!

        My opinion is that we are all at different places on our spiritual journey and what works for some may not work for others. We each have to find what works best for us ourselves. So I would never try to push what I think on someone else.

        Plus, I learned early to keep my religious opinions to myself, so as not to hurt or discomfort others. When I was in my late teens I was horrified to learn that my grandmother – the sweetest, gentlest person I’ve ever known – laid awake at night crying, thinking about me burning in hell for all eternity.

        Then many years later I watched a program on tv about the origin of the Bible. I thought to discuss it with my son-in-law, but was wary. So I asked him, “would it affect your faith if it was discovered that parts of the Bible were really just written by people and not the actual word of God?” His answer was, “that would totally destroy my faith in God. How could I believe any of it, if part of it was untrue.” Again I was horrified at the idea that something I might have said could destroy an essential part of someone else.

        The only people I really feel comfortable discussing religion with are intellectual narcissists. They have no vested interest, so there’s no way I can hurt them. But for everyone else, it’s a subject best left unmentioned.

      14. Windstorm
        Well I am not an intellectual narc (or either of those things lol), but I would be happy to drop you off at church and drive around in my gas mask until you were done. Then we could sit on the porch with tea while you tell me the latest they have to offer in terms of attempting to save my soul, and I reply that ship has sailed while we take turns target shooting and laugh and laugh and laugh………

      15. IdaNoe,
        You directed your question to Windstorm, however, I would like to answer too, if you don’t mind.
        I think that a couple of things you say are at odds with the view of allowing a greater energy into your life.

        When you say:
        “Then you give it up again to a God? And follow blindly? I dont understand. Isn’t that just switching from one God to another?”
        I’d just like to respond in a way that may help you to see it a little differently.

        Firstly, try not to have resistance. You don’t have to “give up” anything. You’re not “losing” anything by questioning or allowing these things. If anything, you’re learning about yourself and adding to what you already have. There is no need to fight against it. It will not hurt you, whether you decide to accept it or reject it. Whatever you do, it will not harm you the way narcissists harm you.

        Secondly, when you think of “God”, try not to think of a “being” in the form of a human or in a human’s image. Try to think of an energy or invisible power. (Personally, I don’t think of it as “god”, because I don’t know if I believe in any god the way different religions describe gods. Instead, I see it as the universe or nature having a consistent power.)

        Also, it’s not a case of following blindly. It’s not a religion or a deliberate habit that you consciously decide to practice. It’s more like a feeling. It doesn’t really happen because you make a cognitive decision one day that you want to allow the universe to take over. It is more like a realisation that comes over you without you asking for it. It’s difficult to explain because it sounds a bit airy fairy, but it’s not. It actually changes your perspective about a lot of things in a very powerful way, and rather than follow blindly, it gives you more “vision” to overcome the difficulties you find yourself facing.

        Going back to your original question, “What exactly is “former condition” when you’re born to a matrinarc”, that’s not easy to answer. It’s not something that you can simply find out from other people. You really have to search for it within yourself. When you ask yourself these deep questions, the answers do come but they’re not that easy to explain.

      16. IdaNoe,
        Your question struck me as I have felt this way. I too was born to matrinarc, though only have realized it recently from reading here. It was quite concealed in my household, I never saw my mother dish it out to my dad, it was behind closed doors. Though when I think back into my childhood I can remember the general feel of the house going from “cold” to “warm”, when they had lots of affection for each other. I guess those were changes between cold fury vs golden period, if you will.
        My mother did the same with me, if I was “non-compliant” or didn’t live up to expectations, I got the cold shoulder or what I now understand to be the stranger zone type of behavior HG describes. As a child I didn’t understand this, just thought I wasn’t being good enough, doing enough, being perfect enough, etc. I am an only child and so was jostled between the positions of golden child and scapegoat based on her whim and mood. It was terribly psychologically damaging.
        I have battled with a near pathological level of perfectionism (I’ve been known to dissolve in tears because I overbrowned a grilled cheese sandwich), as well as abandonment issues that stem from her cold treatment of me. If you read my other posts here you see my perfectionism coming out, I am always frustrated with myself etc. My abandonment issues mean I was not able to break free from narc many times even when I tried because I just couldn’t stand to think he could walk away.
        How I managed to be married to a normal man instead of being snatched up by a narc, I’ll never know. (my narc was an affair partner).
        I have worked on all of this through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I am now what I consider to be a healthy perfectionist, and have and will continue to detach from the toxic people in my life. I used to avoid confrontation like the plague, afraid someone would point out a flaw in me (too painful to hear) or leave me. I have become better at standing up for myself through therapy as well.
        Sorry long post, but I know hearing other people’s stories helps me sometimes.

      17. WiserNow, Thank you. Yes. Similar upbringings. I could only trust animal. Could never “bond” or was allowed to bond with people. People scare me still. So I get angry . Anger covers fear. I have felt, kind of, what you described, but only for very short periods. It comes then passes so quickly. Usually because of a human, narc or not, overwhelming me with their emotions, their confusion, their shoulds and oughts, their mud. It’s like there’s no border, boundaries, containment. B4 I understood my mother, I used to describe her as an octopus flailing her tentacles about trying to suck off everyone. How do you hold on to it?

      18. IdaNoe,

        I can relate to your feelings of being overwhelmed by the emotions and confusions of other people. And also the feeling of anger that you have because of it.

        How do you hold on to the inner peace and make it stronger within you? That’s a good question, and it’s not always easy. I can try to explain what helps for me. However, I think it’s something you (and every individual) needs to cultivate within themselves in their own way.

        I try to develop a stronger self within myself. I try to have long periods alone, as often as possible, where I can be free to think whatever comes to mind. I really question all my emotions. If I feel angry, I try to analyse exactly why I feel angry. I ask myself a lot of questions and try to go deeper and deeper until I find the answer or the underlying truth. Like Windstorm said, it takes time and practice, whenever possible, to really understand yourself and allow the good energy to become stronger within you.

        In order to question yourself this way, you need to create a “distance” between yourself and the other people who tend to overwhelm you. You are only truly responsible for yourself. You are not responsible for their emotions or their lives. You do not “need” their approval for what makes you happy or at peace with yourself. If you create a distance (even in your own mind or emotions), it may start to make you more immune to their “mud”. They don’t have all the answers, so you don’t have to be influenced by them.

        On a side note, when people in general say that building “walls” between ourselves and others is a “bad” thing, I am not so sure that it actually is a bad thing in all cases. Sometimes we need to create walls (maybe glass walls?) in order to have boundaries, or containment as you say. The world will not come to an end if you separate yourself (even in your own mind) from other people and their beliefs, their prides, their confusions, their religions. You don’t have to believe, accept or approve of anything other than what feels “true” and safe to you.

        When you become more conscious of your emotions and are able to analyse why they are appearing, you can be more in control of how you feel, even when other people try to sway you or overwhelm you.

        Good luck. I hope you can start to feel better and more in tune with the good energy that is already inside you 🙂

      19. Windstorm, thank you for your reply. I at times can feel the calm confidence WiserNow spoke of, but it doesn’t feel like a god/ universe kind of thing. Its smaller than that, even micro. It’s me connecting with a plant or animal. Everything else falls away and it’s just me and them for that moment. Then it goes away, and life creeps back in.

        Christianity and God were used as a beating stick by my nutter mutter(mother ), so I’ve been cussing them for years. You AREN’T going to offend me with your beliefs. If other are offended, they should butt out! I asked you not them! Ah yes, the bible belt, where I’ve felt the belt of religion wrapped around my throat and slow choking me to death all my life. One of my proudest moments as a very young child was to be removed from a Christian preschool after announcing that animals did have soul and I didn’t want to go to heaven if the animals weren’t there! Dont worry, I’ve always been scandalous too!

      20. IdaNoe,

        You made me laugh! I had a very similar experience! When when I was about 6, it totally destroyed me when my Sunday school teacher told us that dogs couldn’t go to heaven. She was adamant and my midranger mother backed her up.

        I was an only child on a farm and my mother bred and raised dogs, so they were my only friends. I cried and cried that they wouldn’t go to heaven when they died. But then my father chimed in that no one knew dogs wouldn’t be in heaven, because no one knew there even was a heaven (probably said this to wind up my mother. He was a narc, too).

        But he went on to reason that if there was an all powerful God that controlled everything, surely he could do what ever he pleased – whether it was in the Bible or not. So if he wanted dogs to go to heaven, they would be there. And if God was fair and all loving, like they said then surely he would reward loving, faithful dogs just like he rewarded virtuous humans.

        That made complete sense to me and ended my tears. He did warn me not to discuss this anymore with the Sunday school teacher, because many people blindly followed what they had been told and had their minds closed to reasoned argument. He thought she sounded like she was probably one of these people. Ha, ha!

        You talked about sometimes feeling a special connectedness to a plant or animal. That sounds like what we were talking about. I think you’re on to it. This creative energy that I call God connects us all together. It is the life force that creates all living things, as well as the energy that flows constantly thru and around all objects that the Chinese call “chi.”

        In my experience it is easiest to feel in a nature setting surrounded with living things. But I also feel it in the movement of clouds in the sky and in the wind. That’s why I picked the name Windstorm.

        Next time you feel this connectedness with plants or animals, try to take some time and open your mind to the power flowing thru and around you and the other life around you. If it doesn’t work at first, don’t let that bother you. Just keep trying to open yourself to it every chance you can. It’s sort of like shooting free-throws in basketball. Even if your shot is no where near the basket, you’ve seen other people do it, so you know it can be done. You just have to practice and keep practicing. ❤️

      21. Windstorm
        Ah……movement of clouds in the sky……not gas in your girdle.
        Thanks for clearing that up.

      22. NarcAngel
        Your welcome. But technically they are both tangible examples of energy….

  6. God this was my life then one day I woke up!! Ended this horrible time for me an my kids an it’s been tuff real tuff the Hoover’s the promises the lies the fury smear campaign I have experienced it all an through hg an constant reading I can see clearly an have gained full control of my life rebuilding now 16months free just wished I had done it sooner an guess what little me is bk!! I was so lost an didn’t even realise but my eyes are wide open an now the only way is up although now I have no desire to meet a man I guess I’m sick of narcs an seem to only meet that kind so single I’m staying!!!!

  7. It was draining – emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting to be with my narc for so many years. I felt empty, always pouring into a bottomless cup. I lost who I was because for over a decade, I was just his.

    He is incredibly attractive, talented and athletic. I once asked him why he wouldn’t go find someone else. I couldn’t understand why he was so fixated and borderline obsessed with me.

    “You’re a hard one to hold on to”, he simply stated. I feel foolish and embarrassed that I didn’t see the red flags all that time.

    1. Hmmm, Danielle. Mine is also a ‘catch’ and I also can’t figure out why he didn’t find someone else. Maybe because I was also a hard one to hold onto! I hope you can get past feeling foolish and embarrassed. We are all in the same boat.

  8. What I still can’t seem to understand is HOW? How is it possible that after realizing what I’ve been embedded with, what abuse I’ve been subjected too and what long list of excellent reasons to get out and stay out there is …how is it even possible to still long for, miss constantly,desire and hold a place in the heart for someone who knows not what such a feeling is. After 10yrs I still can’t seem to find the means to give those feelings to anyone else except my captor. How long HG, before this battle over one small beating vessel ends. Will it ever be free for another or remain locked inside a chest with a keyless lock?

      1. H.G., I’M BACK STILL COPPING WITH MY PHYSICAL PAIN DAILY UNTIL TOTAL HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY. ON RIGHT SIDE. THIS TIME ,AND CAN’T TAKE PAIN MEDICATION AT ALL PLUS M.S. PLUS MY CONSTANT NARCISSIST MALE FRIEND SO STRESS IS ALWAYS WITH ME ,BUT YOUR POSTS AND BLOGS. SAVED ME ,EDUCATED ME TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF AND MY EMOTIONS. THE EMPATHETIC THINKING PATTERNS. I ALWAYS POSSESSED. AND ALWAYS PUT DOWN BY MY PSYCHO NARCISSIST PARENTS WHO DESPISED THE CHILD THEY COULDN’T MAKE LIKE THEIR SOULESS SELF’S .I STILL WANT THAT CONSULTATION WITH YOU. SOON MY DEAR H. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY PATIENT MENTOR!💯💔❤💓,SHARON

      2. 😂 you truly are! You’ve changed my life, I’ve only read 2 of your books about to start the 3rd. My mind set has completely changed and I am no longer with my narcissist Ex. I am liberated and that is down to you! Thank you 🙏

  9. This enslavement of our heart is only temporary whereas your heart is forever enslaved in the darkness of your soul. We can get out. You can’t.

  10. You definitively create the before and after in our lives forcing a transformation of taking stock of everything we thought we knew before the relationship and coming out stronger. Or, remain broken, damaged, confused, shattered and constantly replaying to try and get it right.
    Either way, we have to dig deep and face every ugly, unpleasant, painful truth about ourselves that allowed this to transpire.

  11. “We are jealous of that freedom. Our desire to receive the bountiful fuel which is pumped from you by this delicious heart brings with it our desire to capture it and prevent you exercising this freedom any further.”

    You write this as though narcissists are consciously aware of being jealous of our ability to give our hearts freely. But you have taught us that most narcissists are not conscious of their nature in general.
    Personally, I can see how narcissist was jealous of me in many ways but I doubt he have voiced that he was jealous of my heart and I gave it to certain people or endeavours. He, if I understand it correctly, would have just viewed it as last of attention to him.
    In this case, are you writing from the perspective of the narcissists in general, the perspective of a Greater narcissist, or your own personal perspective?

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