How The Narcissist Evades When Questioned

 

 

HOW THENARCISSIST

You are not allowed to question us. To do so is an affront to our notion of superiority and lack of accountability. Your questioning of us may be deliberate, in that you want to know why we have rolled up half-drunk at 3am or it may be perceived by us as you questioning us in a critical fashion, even though you have not intended this, for example you politely ask us where we have been. We regard this as you suggesting to us that we are not allowed to do as we want and that we are somehow accountable to you.

If you engage in Deliberate Questioning, it is usually the case (until such time as you become fully acquainted with what we are and know how to approach dealing with us) that your methodology will be one that provides us with fuel, even though you are challenging us. You will ask in an annoyed fashion where we have been, or express irritation when you ask why we have not moved the rubbish outside. When there is Deliberate Questioning, we do not like you challenging us but because you do so at the same time as providing fuel, our fury is not ignited. Instead, we recognise your challenging behaviour and identify that this must be addressed and our superiority exerted but at the same time we also see that there is an opportunity for us to gain more fuel from you.

You might think that since our fury has not been ignited that we could accept the fuel provided and admit that we are in the wrong, explain what has happened and allow the matter to be resolved. A normal person may do this and you, as an empathic individual, would say your piece and with the agreement and resolution being achieved, you will draw a line under it and move on. Such a scenario is no good to us. You have challenged us and whilst the fury has not been ignited we must still maintain our superiority and this means rejecting your challenge. This rejection also presents us with an opportunity to draw fuel from you, by denying your assertion and so forth. Thus we assert our superiority and gain fuel.

If you engage in Perceived Questioning this invariably ignites our fury because you will do it in a fuel-free manner so that the perceived criticism arising from your questioning wounds us, our fury ignites and we lash out in order to demand fuel to heal the wound caused by your criticism. You may have asked us a question but you did so without any agenda attached to it. We do not see it that way, your simple query of

“Oh, where have you been?” is interpreted by us as suggesting that we are not entitled to do what we want without your approval first. It is delivered without fuel and is critical, thus the wounding occurs and the ignition of fury occurs. We must strike back, once again in order to assert our superiority but also to gain fuel from you.

Accordingly, whether you raise questions of us in an emotional manner, whether you ask them in a straight-forward way, whether you are demanding we explain our selves or that your question is innocuous, you are always going to find that we respond in a manner which provokes an argument.

We do not want you questioning us, whether it is Deliberate or Perceived. You are not permitted by our rules to do so. Once you do, we must reject your challenge, assert our superiority and gain fuel (either because we see the opportunity to do so or because we have to heal the wound). What is the result of this? The deployment of evasion tactics.

This is why you are never able to have a reasonable discussion about something that is concerning you or why we fly off the handle after a seemingly innocent question you have asked us which you find both alarming and bewildering. This is why you find your concerns are not resolved, that you are pushed to a state of heightened emotion, confused, annoyed and frustrated as we point blank refuse to answer what you have asked us. These responses on our part are largely instinctive, a reaction to your challenging behaviour and the prospect/necessity of fuel. The Greater of course will delight in adding to these instinctive responses by layering them with further manipulation and game-playing.

So, what are these evasion tactics? There are many but below are eight which you will no doubt be familiar with. Now you know that these responses, hitherto unexplained and perplexing, are instinctive responses designed to counter your challenge to our superiority and to cater for our need for fuel. No longer will you scratch your head at why we do these things when you question us and instead you ought now to realise how you are only falling into a trap every time you try to engage us.

Why do you fall into this trap? It is because of your innate empathic traits which cause you to be drawn into our machinations through the evasion tactics. You fall for this because you continue to engage with us for the following reasons:-

  1. You need to secure the reality of what has happened. (The Truth Seeker).
  2. You want us to see your point of view. (The Need To Fix.)
  3. You want to be heard. (The Need to Be Honest To Yourself).
  4. You want resolution. (The Need To Be Decent).

These traits of yours cause you to become entangled every time we deploy the Evasion Tactics, of which eight are now detailed.

  1. Drown You Out

We will talk over you, we will shout over you, we will hurl insults at you in a blitzkrieg response which is designed to result in the fact that since you can no longer be heard then you can no longer challenge us. Hearing is challenging, we do not want to hear you any longer and instead we shall draw fuel from your gestures and expressions as our blanketing response draws your frustration and anger.

2. Other People

We shift the topic of conversation on to other people in order to deflect from your attack against us. We will explain how a colleague works similarly late and never receives any flak from his spouse in order to make you appear unreasonable. We will triangulate you by explaining how a previous partner never made such a fuss about our spending habits. By comparing you to other people we engage in our classic act of triangulation, aiming to belittle you and cause you to talk about those other people rather than continuing your attack against us.

3. Delivery But Not Content

We will repeatedly interrupt you as we demand to be allowed to finish, we accuse you of not allowing us to speak our mind, we tell you that you are judging us before we have been able to state our case, we remind you not to interrupt us, not to raise your voice at us, demand you lower your voice or change your tone. None of this of course addresses the content of what you are wanting to discuss with us but instead we deflect by getting you to defend yourself by saying you are not interrupting, that you are not raising your voice and so forth. Your challenge becomes lost as you are caught up in these sideshows and all the while the emotion pours from you.

4. Early Resolution

This is a classic tactic of both the Lesser and the Mid-Ranger. The Lesser, lacking the articulate nature to continue the verbal sparring decides to call time on the “discussion” and thus end the attack. He will announce that the discussion is at an end and will sign off with one last act which will draw a sudden surge of fuel from you. He may push you and bellow that the matter is over, or possibly  lash out with fists and spit in your face that he has had enough of talking and  your shocked and hurt response providing that jet of fuel that he requires and he then withdraws, satisfied he has asserted himself and has instinctively avoided any further wounding. The Mid-Range will declare

“There is nothing more to discuss.”

“I have made my point and that is the end of it.”

“This ends now.”

He will then withdraw and dole out a silent treatment, gaining fuel after the event and having protected himself, perhaps when he felt that the situation was slipping away from him, by withdrawing from the continuing challenge or criticism.

5. The Shift

We will turn the discussion onto something else completely. We may talk about some issue arising at work, point out that the exterior of the house needs a lick of paint or that we are thinking about buying a new car. You will try and shift the topic back to what you want to discuss but we will keep tugging it off topic again as we demonstrate our control over you and your emotional responses provide us with fuel.

6. The Outgunning

You think we have done something wrong? Luckily for us we know of plenty of other things which you have done (in our minds) that are far worse and therefore we will commence our own inquisition of you about your behaviour in order to demonstrate that you are the one who is in the wrong and should be subjected to questioning, not us. You feel the need to get to the truth of the matter and therefore you are derailed from advancing your questioning of us as you are forced into defending yourself.

7. How Could You?

How could you treat us in this manner after all that we have done for you/after the week we have had at work/knowing that our dog has just died/our football team lost the final. We will roll out one of the typical pity plays by pointing out that we have either done so much for you and this is the thanks that we get and/or you are a heartless cow who is kicking us when we are down. Either way, it prompts you to justify your approach and deflects from what you have been trying to discuss.

8. Pest

Why won’t you leave us alone? We just want a simple and quiet life (oh the hypocrisy) but you just won’t let us will you? You have to keep pestering us with questions all of the bloody time, just shut up and leave us be. This is often used when you engage in Perceived Questioning as our abrupt response to you just asking “how are you” leaves you upset and bewildered.

 

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17 thoughts on “How The Narcissist Evades When Questioned”

  1. In the beginning, I gave him all the space he needed because that’s how I wanted to be treated, as well. Complete trust. But then things didn’t start to add up, and my radar went on full alert. Still I remained silent until finally I ran a background check and discovered he had been arrested for solicitation of a prostitute while we were together. I sat and stared at the report, dizzy, nauseated, seeing red, trying to reason through it all. I could not comprehend why a man would ever pay for sex when he had me at the ready, why he would risk his career, etc. I questioned him and he flat out denied it, even when I said I was staring at the report. Then he accused me of violating his right to privacy. I never told a soul. I had to know the truth, for me. Now I know why I had UTI after UTI causing me to spend thousands of dollars on pills and medical exams, enduring humiliating exams. The ease with how he was able to lie and then turn it around like it was all my fault is classic. I am seven months into a silent treatment now and every day that passes I thank God for the time to learn and heal. This site has been a godsend. My advice is, if something feels off, it is. We are all trusting and have been conditioned to trust and look the other way. If you are truly honest with yourself you know what the signs are. Protect your heart and soul before it’s too late. Chances are, if you’re on this site you are already in pretty deep. Just know it’s possible to regain control of your life and get your self respect back. I went through every single stage HG has written about, and made every single mistake possible. It’s so painful but get moving in the opposite direction now so you can be the light you once were. This is the only way you will ever attract the goodness you deserve. You don’t get closure with these people!

    1. I know how you feel, Missy. I’ve been spending time soul searching. It doesn’t feel very good. My empathic nature feels like it’s dying and something else is taking over. I admitt I’m so angry. Knowing there’s no closure. I’m even afraid to feel the freedom of a final discard. Is it real? Will he ever bother me again? And who knows?
      I think all of us here deserve way better.
      Know how strong you are for making it this far.

      1. I stayed with this demon from hell for another two years after I discovered his police record. All he did was kill my light over and over, and still I stayed. I would beg for his attention…anything he would spare. Like an addict I stooped to new lows, compromising everything for just one more hit. But eventually I realized that I was worth so much more and it took nearly 3 years to get there. I have good days and bad days but you’ll make the turn once the head starts to fully comprehend what happened. Keep educating yourself and stay mindful. I put up huge barriers to everyone and am cautiously starting to feel again. I bet you aren’t losing your empathic nature, you are just learning to put up healthy barriers. The light in empaths can’t be killed by these people. That’s why we attract them. We will always regenerate our own light from within and they are incapable of doing that themselves. Stay strong and keep moving forward even if it’s a baby step. And I’m angry too. But he will never know because I refuse to give him any type of fuel. Mainly I’m just angry at myself for letting this all happen.

  2. HG are we allowed to slap you silly 🙂 HG this is the deal. I refer to you all the time and Sam Vaknin who is married and his wife. The have some how worked out some way of being a couple with the Narcissist in the room. So here is the deal. NO MATTER how much information we get it is after the fact of What happened to us and how to heal. I want people to know what a Narcissist is and how to avoid them. BUT unfortunately this doesn’t happen to much and it is too late. WE got fucked by your kind. So you are doing damage control to hopefully not get hooked into another relationship with a Narcissist is all that is happening. BUT we got damage and your kind got fuel for your addiction. DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE AN ADDICT OF A DRUG CALLED HUMAN-BEING EMOTIONS? Maybe you may go on TedX talks IDEA ?? or start a dating site screen people, to make sure they are not Narcissist. Thank you for your choice to help us the victims. Cheers S. W.

  3. This is one of your *tells*. This is a reason to cut and run. Freedom from the question dodgers and the exhaustion that comes from all the circle talking, subject changes, and blame flipping. Such wasted time. The air is so light when you’re far away and so heavy when you’re near.

  4. Tudor, I haven’t seen my ex narc boyfriend for nine months, he messages randomly every few weeks that he thinks about me all the time, is heartbroken etc etc. I normally ignore him but this time I asked him why he keeps contacting me as I know he has a new primary source, the minute I ask him a direct question he goes completely silent and disappears again until the next time. Is the silent treatment he uses a form of control over me?

  5. My ex narc boyfriend hoovers me by txt, it has been nine months since we have seen each other, he says he keeps all our photos, thinks about me and that he is heartbroken. He txts and txts until I ask him what the point of the txts are. Then he never answers and goes completely silent until he randomly pops up again a few weeks later. Is this normal narc behaviour to provoke me in to asking a question and then he just goes silent?

    1. Yes. Change your number so he cannot hoover you through an electronic conduit, you are committing no contact suicide.

  6. It seems a narc chooses to be this way when they are fucking around or regularly paying for sex / bjs and not giving any physical affection to the primary. It is the primary that usually asks questions then eventually the others may also if they aren’t in a golden period.

    HG …you don’t mind a woman questioning you when you are seducing them ….you don’t stop in the middle of trying to appear sexy and spit in her face or change the subject , or shout over her.

    A woman may ask you lots of questions when you first meet her .

    Why else would a question be so threatening ? Unless you had things to hide and don’t want them to slip out …

  7. Bingo! It’s as if Narc’s share the same gene or something. How can complete strangers engage in the same behavior? It’s like an alcoholic ..,,,
    Ugh, just awful

  8. Once, in order to extract fuel he used my knowledge about his silly jokes with tones on women and me too. He wanted to see me crying and begging only to say no and feel powerful and entitled. Today i know he is sadistic but he cannot see it, because he does not know that his idea of power is mediocrity at my eyes. If it is ok for him, it is ok for me but he cannot take or keep me anymore, because i feel i am better than him.

  9. On the other hand, I’ve been integrated for hours with a light shining in my face. It was terrifying. And if I talked back it would result in physical form.
    I’m so glad I finally got out.

      1. An odd one, but I feel the old girl slipping away. I kinda miss her, but like everyone I suppose it’s time to grow up, face the sheer facts that I hold my life in my own hands.
        I’m glad you’re here, Windstorm.

      2. Thanks, Tammy!
        You’re right. You do hold your life in your own hands. Keep working to make it better!

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