How We Get Away With It (And What You Can Do About It)
There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?
- It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
- We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
- We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
- We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
- Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
- The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
- Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
- We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
- We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
- There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.
Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.
- Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
- The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
- We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
- Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
- The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
- Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
- The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
- Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
- You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
- It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.
It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.
The key for you to remember is this.
It is an appearance.
53 thoughts on “How We Get Away With It (And What You Can Do About It)”
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Hi HG – I have been reading your blog for a couple months – I have been no contact for 45 days – been hoovered 2x – my ex works at our corporate office and I will have to see him tomorrow – my nerves have been quite shot over having to see him (no contact will be hard at work but I will not engage him unless it is work related)
I just read this entry and it really gave me some strength to endure this week – thanks you very much
Well done and you are welcome.
Thank you HG. Really great article. The reminders are very helpful, insightful and encouraging. I appreciate you and your writings very much. I turn to this page when I need to understand, learn, grow and seek the truth. It has brought me solace.
HG, I just discovered your blog, and it is a revelation to me..thanks for sharing! For the moment, only one question – I get that it is only appearance, but are YOU aware that it is an appearance? Do you feel genuinely happy at any stage of the relationship, on you are aware that you are manipulating yourself as well? It would help me a lot not feeling jealous now in the NC stage…
I know that it is an appearance as a Greater. Lesser and Mid-Range do not recognise this.
We do not experience happiness.
I know I manipulate. Most narcissists (namely Lesser and Mid-Range) do not.
That was three questions by the way.
Just reread this blog…it’s a fucking masterpiece!
Damn right.
Whoops!!! There is my goddamn full name again! Oh well! I stand by the glowing review!
Removed it.
Sitting hear telling my husband how Great you are, HG!!! Mean it! He knows because your work has changed my pitiful outlook. Thank you!
Hg approves.
Always get away with it..hmm….I disagree.
I left my last 2 exes. I didn’t know what they were. but enough was enough and I left.
I have been hoovered relentlessly by the last one for ages and for a shorter time with the one before that. (6th sphere.)
I escaped.
All I knew was it was all wrong. Crazy making.
I had to get away from them.
I guess they got away with some of it during the shenanigans of the interactions because I was still in it.. but now that I have gone …that I went … I absolutely know that there is no getting away with what they did in the long run.
Oh aye..I really got hurt..really suffered.
I’m kind and loving..care a great deal.
I was sick of the behaviour and the upset.
it was awful.
I left the ********.
I know neither of them are happy.
They simply exist.
I know one still licks their wound and its been ages.
Oh.. no one got away with it.
I left and I know my resolve was not believed.
I am glad to be stubborn at least.
“You are too stubborn for your own good” was said.
Hmm. are you really saying that to someone who is stubborn?
Thanks for helping me out there a bit then..cos it brings it out even more.
Then i found this site… got my answers here.
In future whoever may stare and stare into my eyes , as they do, they will need to beware.
Because now I have HG Tudor’s terrible truths under my belt and
Because now, there are no more second chances.
Once you know, you seize the power..👍
I feel I’ve not been a very good empath. A coworker of mine is always in constant meltdown. How she has not been fired I do not know, but there is always some crisis, some emergency to which she must attend. I can’t tell if she is on drugs or going towards the mental illness route, riddled with anxiety and stress.
Tonight at work she had another meltdown, panicked because she had to tend to another emergency yet let some time-sensitive material suffer on account of it.
I want to be understanding, yet I find myself rolling my eyes in the back of my head. I had no reassuring words for her. What could I say? You’ve brought much of this on yourself? She herself is an empath but of the codependency sort, who has never gotten her shit together.
I find myself pulling away because I don’t want to absorb her negativity and I know were I to allow her to get close, she would only continue to ask for favors. I am limited on my giving power.
I am in that dilemma where I feel for her yet I know she has brought much of this on herself. I cannot imagine being so disorganized as she. I like things organized and spotless and she is such a mess.
Anyway, just wanted to share. I fear I am going to have to be an asshole to an otherwise vulnerable person just to assert boundaries.
She is definitely not a narcissist, just a codependent mess. They can be toxic too. 🙁
Well done Bibi.
Really healthy boundary.
Not an asshole for having it.
Ditch the guilt.
Empathy isn’t just for others…it includes ourself.
Allowing the encroachments on you isnt kind to you. You can pull away have distance without explanation you know.
Im sure you’ve had your moments of being there for her but bleeding yourself dry is not an empaths duty or anyone elses for that matter.
Lose negative energy statements i.e. “I’m sure I’m a bad empath”
Just shift your energy i.e. ” I’ve done all I can or as far as I need to do”
Us going downhill for orhers serves no purpose at all. We have to stay whole and healthy and we can still have empathy in abundance and strength to help up to a point if required elsewhere too.
Saying no inside…creating bit of distance is just right to keep being what you are..good and kind…and sensible!
Bibi
Glad you ditched the workplace drama llama. Healthier for you.
Thanks, guys. She kind of puts me in an awkward position because everyone in the lab thinks she needs help/is a flake. Those on her own team can’t stand her and are avoiding her.
She comes to me because I have been nice to her, but I do see her lack of structure and how it affects her team members who, informed me how she will often go out and sleep in her truck during work hours, leave the facility when there is time-sensitive matters involved, etc.
Then very often she plays the victim, and it’s not my responsibility to lecture her on how to behave. My one coworker said he thinks she needs help, as in, therapy, but I noted that one has to recognize there is a serious problem first.
She is almost 50 and house hops, lives out of a storage facility, doesn’t even have a bank acct b/c she has overdrawn so much money that it charges her fees, so she still gets paper checks and I guess cashes them at those cash advance places that take part of your pay.
She has often gone around asking for gas money and my one awesome empath coworker even gave her some. I later told him to not do that in the future.
What a disaster! I am shocked she was ever able to get through university. She makes me uncomfortable though because I can’t comfort her. There’s nothing I can do.
Oh and to add insult to injury, when she was moving again this past week, she ended up taking the company’s dollies/lift-thingies — those things you use to maneuver heavy objects. Our boss was sending out emails asking where the dollies were but she had taken them for personal use and then returned them damaged!
OMG. It’s clown shoes.
Bibi
So what do you think would happen if the next time she came around someone said to her: Your situation and behaviours are concerning to the rest of the staff and think perhaps its time HR got involved. That can be taken a couple of ways. How do you think she would respond?
NA–
She would take that as a threat, likely cry, think she was being picked on and then she would get angry afterwards.
She has had so many warnings and probations from our boss who, is sympathetic towards her plight, albeit much to everyone’s detriment. The Drama Queen is always saying how much she hates the boss who has been astoundingly tolerant.
A couple of months ago she backed her truck into one of the stone pillars in front of the building because it was 4am and she was drunk. She knocked the pillar over. I would have fired her for that!
She is an excellent example of someone who can’t control her emotions. They’re just all over the place. The ironic thing is that she can be very funny and cool at times and very giving and helpful when she is not having a meltdown.
Even today one of her team members tried contacting her to help her with something and Drama Queen was nowhere to be found.
I don’t get it.
By “It is an appearance,” do you mean that you do not succeed in your plans as much as you’ve implied that you do? Or, do you mean that you do succeed in your plans much of the time, but since your plans involve creating a false persona, you just refer to everything you do as being an “appearance?”
The latter.
How can you say it is an appareance IF you are that way? Appearence means hiding something and you don’t have anything to hide, i mean no conscience to preserve. Is it appearence because you know you are not who you show? Maybe you should say “i am appearence”, considering that there is only that level of self in you. (General question).
Of course we have something to hide, we hide the creature.
We need that book so bad!
So you know you are not who you show…and you know there is something hidden in you and you don’t want it to be seen or reached by others… does it mean you know that the “beast” is unlovable? Does it mean you think none would care for you if they would see your hidden part? Or are you afraid of feeling throughout the beast perspective?
Last 2 questions: what if the beast would not be so horrible as you think?? Have you ever thought about it? (Sorry for my english…hope you understand my questions)
If you read Fury this will provide you with further answers.
The narcissist does not want to show
or observe the creature.
Others would welcome the creature/ your true self.
The narcissist cannot accept it.
The creature to the narcissist is vulnerable.
Emotional.
Weak and all they abhor.
Maybe the creature/ true self is drawn to the Empath.
The narcissist/ protector illusion
Then endeavours to destroy us.
Sacrifice us.
To keep the creature hidden.
We represent all the narcissist despises in themselves.
Such an utterly exhausting existence.
From my perspective only.
If it were not for the malice and single mindedness to propel them.
The gathering of fuel to maintain their illusion.
The creature could emerge.
I do feel sympathy for the narcissist to live such an existence.
HG, can you recall any times when you felt buried emotions try to surface.
Feelings of sadness or longing, compassion or love .
No, I cannot.
Thank you HG.
MatriNarc never said she loved you growing up, correct? Or presently, as an adult?
I am heartbroken right now. I pretend to smile to the world while I try my hardest not to break down at work. I cry to my boys who don’t understand because they also bought into the façade. Try explaining to an 8 and 14 year old boys as to why things are not the same anymore. I thank you for flipping the coin over to present us with reality and honesty and to tell us its not our fault. You are who you are. I cant change my guy but I have to let him go, it will never change. I know this and thank you to you and your sight for opening my eyes to this. without you and all of your stories, I would be so confused and probably be more of a basketcase than I already am. It hurts. For five years I believed in something that never existed. I see it now. I have been put down, humiliated and triangulated in the worst ways possible. I see why and I can walk away knowing i’m not to blame. Thank you that. I will probably never meet you but you have rescued me from hell so I can move forward. I’m a beautiful woman who fell for it all. That’s why I was chosen out of so many others, because I do love, I do feel, I do care. I cannot change who I am either. I pray to never go through this again….
Explaining narcissism to my daughter was easier than I thought. There is always a narcissistic character in kids movies. I used Frozen and explained that the MMRN was like Prince Hanz. He pretended to be a nice person but he wasn’t. There was a small discussion beyond this but she understood it quickly. Mother Gothel from Tangled is another good example. Good luck🍀. It would be easier to heal if we didn’t have to see our kids suffer the loss as well. It’s gutwrenching..
Be strong Michelle.
Be kind to yourself. They use our brain chemistry against us, and we’re outgunned. Waves of oxytocin and dopamine produced by their fake perfect selves are intoxicating and withdrawl is so painful and grief-inducing.
Take it a day at a time.
We survivors understand how it is.
You and your boys are precious people, and you didn’t deserve this treatment.
It’s not your fault.
Lessers and midrangers aren’t self aware and don’t think that there is anything ‘wrong’ with them, so what are they having to lie to themselves about? Coupled with not having a conscience or experiencing remorse wouldn’t they be blissfully happy?
My ex lesser somatic narc has everything his little black heart desires AND he did get away with it, including child abuse and rape. The court even ordered that he was to have more time alone with the child he had been abusing. I have absolutely no doubt that he’s as happy as a pig in shit, it’s not just an appearance
Merrymagenta – reading your experience with the system leaves me feeling quite sad-mad…
Thanks for reaching out, WhoCares, I feel sad-mad too.
We were let down badly by the criminal justice system every step of the way. I feel like they violated and abused me as much as the narc had. That’s why I’m finding it impossible to heal. In addition to the substantial narcissistic abuse I endured, my world view is forever jaded too. I no longer even have the illusion that the law will protect me. I don’t consider myself a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I’m as dead as one can be without actually dying. I died protecting my daughter and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. She’s 19 now and is at university. She’s a ‘normal’ and is grounded, balanced and happy, with a wonderful life and a network of close, supportive friends… and she’s a natural narc repeller, which I’m thankful for every day.
Merrymagenta
Despite all that you have experienced you are far from dead. Your daughter came from you, and the things you provided for her that allowed her to acheive what she has does not have limitations and does not expire. That is the power of the empath and why we are so highly sought out by the narcissist- it regenerates. You can apply it to yourself just as you did her. She needs that as much as you do. Maybe more. How can she thrive if she thinks that her being all that she is has depleted you? You have been her source of strength. Show her your gift to her is also a gift you give yourself so that you can share the bright future together that he could not derail despite his best efforts. You know what they say about living well. Fuck him.
MerryM, take a moment to feel very proud of yourself raising and protecting your daughter and providing the skillset where you can see her thriving. Out of all this garbage with the Narc, that is definitely a most important area where your grit paid off.
My daughter is 12 and we are very close. She already has better coping skills with conflict and a thicker skin than I did at double her age. I hope I can witness the same as you when she’s ready for college.
You made such an important imprint through her with your goodness and that will never be removed.
MerryMagenta – while I do echo NA and Clarece’s more positive contributions – I emphasize with your negative statements with regard to the legal system.
While my experience has been more positive than yours (I think this is partly because I was very proactive in my approach and I was very fortunate to search out good advice at very opportune times) I recognize how you can feel doubly frustrated and even betrayed; by your narc’s behaviour and then again by the system.
I think in my particular situation that I have pushed the limits of the system and I can easily see – when it comes to narcissistic abuse specifically – how the system could fail some. You and your daughter’s experience stands out to me as a particularly disheartening example of this. I do hope you some day find peace and healing.
It sounds by your description that your daughter is well-adjusted and succeeding despite your past family dynamics. Just remind yourself that that is not an *accident* – you had something to do with that. You cannot control the narcissist’s actions and you could not control the legal system but you can control how you react and clearly you did something right in a situation where everything was against you.
Just think how different things would be if everyone was as invested in their children’s well-being as you’ve been.
Now, the trick is, you’ve got to invest in your own well-being…
I almost cried when I read this. There are several times when I thought I was doing so much better and letting go only to fall back into sheer disbelief and anger. Its not that I want this person back. I want to delete them as effectively as they deleted me.
Very Well Said H.G. Yes it is all an illision They can fake their way into many lives but eventually the truth of who they are will come out..
Great article – constructive and with some positives
Thank you
This article alone is more beneficial than all the therapy I have attended in my 54 years on this planet. I am so grateful for the insight. Finally, clarity and understanding. Thank you HG.
You are welcome. My work is effective.
I am just glad that 25 years ago I was able to put it in writing with a sharpie on an adorable picture I had of her that I gave back in a box along with a bunch of other memorable crap. It stated, you look so cute and innocent and you have everyone fooled. I am sure she remembers. How dare I wound her!
It is clearly an ‘appearance’ otherwise they would not recirculate us. I finally am at peace, calm and zen– and once again I did go and see him. He tried the triangulate thing on me, I smiled, and said “Hey, no problem it is not like we are in a relationship– we are both seeing other people, no problem.” He got grouchy, then he started the nit-picking– again I smiled– ” Well, that makes sense- good thing we are not a couple. ” He seemed to get grouchier the more he tried to make me feel ‘low’ and it just did not work……..I like the ‘me’ I am now– he, I think, was threatened by it– but ‘he’ needed me there to play the correct girlfriend for this particular group of people– so I played it, thanked him for the lovely vacation and got back on the plane! (It is a beautiful spot and I did enjoy seeing it again) ……
“The key for you to remember is this.
It is an appearance.”
That is sooo true! So many people get caught up in how happy the narc seems now. How successful he is and what all he’s getting away with. They think about his new IP being happy and him staying with her. It’s all just appearance. It’s all just a show.
Midrangers may not realize the extent of their lies, but since they’re not as smart, they have things going wrong and falling apart on them all the time. Greaters know exactly what’s what. They know how much of a fraud they are. They are like circus performers spinning multiple plates on sticks. They can’t escape knowing that one mistake could bring it all crashing down around them.
We alll of us come to realize how much the narc lied to us and deceived us, but what we often fail to realize is they are lying to themselves as much or more than they lie to us. And they especially lie to the world to make themselves look better. Their always winning and getting away with it is just an appearance.
Windstorm
Thank you for reminding me of this! So many times I forget it is all for appearance! They lie to us but they also lie to themselves. 🌻
Foolmeonetime
❤️
Very well said, Windstorm! Excellent insight!
Windstorm…👍a forever like.
(I’m not on wordpress and cant use like comments tabs here)
You are always the kind and steadying voice of reason. Always love your posts when i dip in.
Your valuable and caring insights are very much appreciated. Thank you for them all.⚘
DebbieWolf
Thank you very much! That was very kind.
Windstorm
🌷🌼⚘🌻🌹😊