Dolus Malus – Prologue

prologue

A number of days ago I revealed to you that a new series entitled Dolus Malus would commence. And so it begins….

I am told that what I am is a creation, an artifice, a manufactured self that’s purpose is to defend me and to achieve my greater glorification. It is built on a foundation of elements and traits which are me which are then bound up with, strengthened, fortified and weaponised through the addition of characteristics and behaviours. Many of these are deployed instinctively, many of them also arise through calculated application. A conscious and choice selection designed to further my interests.

Do I remember who I was before this happened? It is vague and amorphous. I am told and reminded and detailed about who I once was – a further creation arising from the comments, observations, anecdotes and recollections of others. But they cannot be relied on. They cannot be trusted. An assembly of liars who tell me that I was this and that I did that, but they are traitors, all of them. Their lies and sedition pouring from those clockwork mouths, jaws moving up and down as they issue forth their venomous untruths as they seek to control me not only now but control me from revising my past.

They talk of ‘another time’ yet there is no evidence of this, no clear and distinct memories of mine to corroborate what they say. I only know what I am now. Effective.

“You were never filled with hatred as you are now,” says one.

“He has always been a hateful little boy,” says the other.

Who to believe? Who to trust? Who to rely on?

None of them. Not a single one. All of them are liars and thus do you understand why there can never be any reliance on these mendacious ministers as they preach one way whilst acting the other way? Do you understand why my path must be my path alone, away from the corrupting chatter and toxic tittle tattle? Do you understand why I attach but never become attached?

Perhaps you do not fully, but the central tenet of Dolus Malus will enable you to understand. You will understand more about me and in turn this will enable you yo understand more about the person or people who are those like me, those who have entered your world and impacted upon you.

You will learn the origins of their deceitful design against me. The effect of this and how my purpose, my intent and my raison d’etre has arisen from this behaviour towards me and now the reason for my behaviour towards them.

You will be familiar with the concept of a cabal, that is a small group of people, united in some close design usually to promote their own interests and a cabal usually carries negative connotations with regard to conspiracy and secrecy.

The name may have originated from the initials of a group of ministers of Charles II of England (Clifford, Arlington, Buckingham, Ashley and Lauderdale) and it is a cabal that I have dealt with, a cabal that engaged in dolus malus.

Just as each letter of the word cabal links to one of the ministers mentioned above, then you should understand and be prepared for the fact that Dolus Malus deals with a cabal of ten that has sought to deceive and do down me.

Ten letters.

A group of ten.

Each letter ascribing to a part of this group.

Dolus Malus.

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191 thoughts on “Dolus Malus – Prologue”

  1. “Dolus Malus deals with a cabal(*) of ten that has sought to deceive and do down me.”
    (*) “… a small group of people, united in some close design usually to promote their own interests and a cabal usually carries negative connotations with regard to conspiracy and secrecy.”

    I have been reading other people’s comments and I was surprised to read that some of them were about HG wanting ‘Revenge’. Well, there is group of 10 who have wronged him. I do not think they are helpless innocent lambs acting separately and not know what they are doing. Since I have experienced being the target of a group of people (more than once, actually) and its devastating consequences, which are quite different from being the target of just one narcissist, it did not come to my mind that HG was necessarily speaking about bloodshed, and vindictiveness (Revenge).

    What is wrong with wanting some vindication (Justice), clearing a smear, restoring balance and regaining dignity? Or am I missing something here?

    1. E.B.
      There’s nothing wrong with wanting justice. I think there’s many here who feel the same way.

      1. I feel the same way Tammy and EB. I wanted ‘revenge’ or ‘justice’ or ‘vindication’ or whatever one wants to call it – restoring balance, getting my power back. I feel that I got it/did it. Whether I did objectively or not is a different matter but as long as I am satisfied, it’s all good.

  2. I`ve been awaiting your new series. I`ll check back on the 5th of November, it seems the appropriate date for your next post HG, a post of malus, vendetta, plot and such. It goes along with the name Tudor as well. Till then . . . fuel trails, as happy trails would never appy to one such as yourself.

  3. MB
    When I was reading your comment that said you never make it much past the golden period….I was thinking oh god…I hope I never have to become involved with another narcissist of any kind again and that I never have to endure the let down after the golden period. The high high and then the low low….and all the rest of the stuff that goes along with becoming involved with them. Please god please no more!

  4. I never know if comments are posted or not. I wrote looking forward to read DM .. dont know if it posted.

  5. HG are you still engaging with doctors in therapy?
    This series should help to show readers why you cannot change.

  6. HG – looking forward to reading!

    I did wonder about my X Was he abused when he was a child, before he could even remember?

    Something happened.

    Looking forward to reading YOUR story HG – you deserve healing from all past wounds, because you have yourself helped so many

  7. “…a cabal of ten that has sought to deceive and do down me.”
    This reminds me of Agatha Christie’s mystery novel And Then There Were None.
    Hope that Justice will prevail.

  8. You are suffering HG Tudor and you are not here to suffer. The only way out of your labyrinth of suffering is to forgive and declare it. Give up everything that weighs you down and fly above the labyrinth. The view from above is much different from the view inside. I would recommend nepenthe for your wounds. Hugs from afar!

  9. I kind of wish we could use gifs in the comments, but that’s a WordPress IT thing, not something that can really be remedied by a user. Pretend I’ve inserted one of Dr. Frankenfurter (as a proxy for HG in tone alone, of course, not as a physical representation) saying “I see you shiver with antici…………
    ………..
    …………
    ………….
    ………………
    …………….
    …………
    ……….
    ……….
    ………………
    -pation.”

    In all seriousness, I’m looking forward to this series. Vengeful though these letters may be, and vengeful though you, HG, may feel, a bit of enlightenment on what’s made you the man you’ve become is a fascinating prospect. At least you’re honest about feeling vengeful, repression isn’t going to illustrate a remotely clear picture by any means. Even if that requires relative anonymity.

    Grab your tissues and a snack, fellow readers (particularly the empaths among us), shit’s about to get real-real. Not just one real, hyphenated double real.

    1. I know the bit you’re talking about WIW, the suspense the suspense… summed up nicely for what we are all feeling. *side note* Dr Frankenfurter has a portion of blame for my addiction to Pyscho/Narc/AS men in lingerie…
      HG don’t miss any sweet transvestite bits out! *wink*

      1. My late night double-feature people! One of us, one of us! Unf, I feel you, just didn’t want to offend anyone else’s potential sexual proclivities inadvertently. My nex was wounded by playing sexy dress-up with me in my unmentionables and took that squicky feeling out on me at every opportunity from then on. I’m (too) hesitant to assume or project anyone else’s kinks, even in good humor.

        When they can actually strut in heels rather than wobble like a baby deer taking its first steps? Unf. Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me.

      2. WIW indeed! ‘Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me’
        I don’t think this would have offended HG and I can see why the worry from your nex might lead you to be cautious.
        Unf? I googled it along-side RHPS – reference University of North Florida? Please explain WIW curiousity is peaked!

      3. Presque Vu
        In case WIW does not see this for a bit, I believe she meant the following:
        RHPS = Rocky Horror Picture Show
        Unf = universal noise of fucking or uninhibited noise of fucking.

      4. NarcAngel
        Yep. Urban dictionary. That’s the place to search out all those kind of things. Often makes very interesting reading.

  10. I think one L stands for litigious, not lawyer.
    Which could be ex wife or work related traitors.
    Sorry HG, for starting a guessing game.
    I am happy I am not the only who thinks this way.

  11. Im intrigued to learn how your creation into a narcissist morphed but i have to say revenge is a waste of time. What matters is not who you were then but who you are now. Who are you now HG? Are you at peace with your life? I doubt it bc peace and revenge dont coexist. Lets say you get your revenge where will that leave you? Will it make you happy? Content?
    Im interested to read what created you but instead of revenge id like to read about your therapy. How its helping you to think differently. How the skills are modifying how you live your life and if youve had any positive changes. I want to read about the HG now and how hes trying to better his life NOT get revenge and stay in the pit of narcissistic hatred. Climb out HG you can do it. I have faith in you!

      1. This is what makes me tear up. All the people you are able to help. You bring about peace in their hearts by giving them the answers they need to move forward. It’s just not fair that you were not created to enjoy the true fruits of your labor like we would do. I’m not pouring sugar and sentiment over you HG. I know you enjoy it in your own way with the legacy and empire and that. It’s just such a cruel irony. NPD sucks, even if you are the Emperor!

      2. MB , I agree 100% with how you feel. I find my heart breaking for you HG.
        I have heard that NPD is because the frontal lobes don’t work properly. I have a lot of the same issues. Just more empathetic. But engaging in frontal cortex stimulation to get that part of the brain to activate. Its an electrical stimulation. Also doing EMDR , which is also an electrical stimulation that works, writing down my patterns to track my issues, etc…I’m working hard to make you proud of me. I can do this! I can change. And if I never found you, I would be stuck doing the same shit over again. I still ha a lot of issues, but it is you who challenges me to keep going. And thank you for this!!!! I know you find no reason to change because you feel what you’re doing is okay , but then you constantly have to live with the fear of getting fuel. What if you don’t have to? Try some of the therapies I’m engaging in. Sorry, I hate to hurt and suffer and see other’s suffer.

      3. Tammy
        Dont you worry about HG-he’ll be just fine. We only have so much energy and you need to focus on yourself. HG is proud of the work that he does, and what better way to show him your appreciation than getting right with yourself from it, and to his credit? Your success is his success. We all want you to succeed and that includes HG (for different reasons but it still counts lol).

      4. What is it about HG that makes us want to make him proud, Tammy? I have an overwhelming desire to please him too.

      5. This will sound strange, but so far in my life I’ve never got the feeling of making anyone proud of me, not even myself, I think because I never had anyone reflect those feelings back to me.
        And in another way HG is a hard ass, and it’s an interesting thing that he ever would be proud of me. It makes it challenging.

      6. Tammy
        You’ve just been rolling with the wrong crew til now. I think I can speak for most here and say that we are very proud of you. And I’m a hard ass.

      7. Tammy, that’s certainly changed since you’ve come here. Many here are proud of you. Myself included! You’ve been very brave to share your story and reveal your vulnerabilities. You’ve made such progress in a short period of time. Give yourself a pat on the back too every once in a while.

        I’m not sure if HG has the capacity to feel pride for another. Maybe he’ll clarify for us?

      8. You could HG. The way you are now tho youre right thatd be impossible. Youve helped so many break free from narcissistic abuse now its your turn. Youd have so much support here if you decided to. Lifes too short and precious to waste it on revenge.

      9. HG
        I understand that you don’t do happy, content or peaceful. But we don’t want you to hurt yourself further. You know the Chinese saying, “When you set out on revenge, first dig two graves”. Or I guess in your case it’d be eleven.

        Revenge is looking backward into the past. We want you looking forward to a brighter future.

      10. I’m fascinated by the emotional involvement and investment of some of the commenters. I receive a lot of intellectual stimulation from HG’s writings and they have unquestionably helped me grow into a person who handles herself and her relationships better, but I see little point in becoming emotionally invested in HG.
        How do you even do it? I don’t think I could anymore… not after my experience with the narc.

      11. I agree Morning Sun. While I appreciate HG‘s information and his entertaining essays and even his dark and brooding and kind of mean and vindictive essays..i don’t feel emotionally invested and think those doing so should possibly be cautious about getting attached to another illusion. Just my thoughts-
        It’s kind of like how some in the world get attached to movie stars and celebrities and think they really know them-then when news comes out like Bill Cosby is a molester or someone is a drug addict they’re shocked. It’s again-filling in the unknown with assumptions from our own frame of reference- which is how I got entangled for way too long with a narcissistic personality disordered woman. Assigning my good intentions and emotions to a narcissist.

      12. I agree too, Kathleen and Morning Sun. I think a lot of people on here are American or Canadian. They listen to HG on YouTube or some other audio source, hear his British accent, and swoon. Blame it on Downton Abbey!

      13. HG, I was wondering, when you are high in positive fuel, like when you are in the infatuation stage, aren’t you kind of happy? Isn’t that stage kind of euphoric for you and therefore there is an element of happiness in it.

      14. Thanks HG. So when you are convinced the new person is the One, the fountain of eternal fuel, the end of the quest, all there is is hope and excitement but not happiness, correct?

      15. Do you find any paranoia creeping in while feeling the infatuation during that time? With so many past, failed, relationships (and yes I know, they were the treacherous ones), but do you become hyper-vigilant yourself watching for “signs” this one will fail you too?
        In the dating world, one might be referred to as becoming too jaded or too cynical and the women just all blur together.

      16. No because the emotional thinking of infatuation overrides the logic of past failures.

      17. So I guess this is the one way you *do* have hope, HG.

        See? Ya got HOPE…you’re downright hope-y!

        (Caroline ducking)

        P.S. Too easy to say if you’re hope-y — then I’m dopey. There. I did it for you.

      18. HG,
        Are you saying that narcissists are equally overwhelmed by emotional thinking as Empaths?
        During seduction phase?
        What about when wounded
        or thinking they have been wronged ?
        Does the narcissist only use logical thinking
        when scheming and planning revenge and smear campaigns?

      19. Not necessarily overwhelmed but emotional thinking manifests during seduction (the infatuation) and also with the ignition of fury.

      20. Thank you HG.
        Is the emotional thinking in narcissists instinctual like the ignition of fury?

      21. Does the emotional thinking of the infatuation override the logical thinking of even the Greater? The Ultra HG falls victim? That’s seems impossible.

      22. MB
        Even though HG is very logical, he isn’t immune to ET. He is susceptible to emotional thinking (hope, anticipation, infatuation, feelings of power) like us and that can override his logic.

      23. Thank you K, shocking that could be true with his level of awareness. Magical thinking by the Great HG? I have a hard time with that one.

      24. Thank you K. Its hopeless. No, wait, but there is hope. My emotions are all over the place!

        I guess all we can hope for is for the narcissist to adopt more pro social behaviors and less malevolent ways to attend to their fuel needs. I want so much to have the fun, the excitement, share those feelings of “powerful, infused and elated” alongside him for as long as we can ride the wave. The ecstasy without the manipulation and abuse. Magical thinking? Yes, most likely.

      25. MB
        There will always be hope, just make sure you use your LT too. I don’t think narcissists are interested in prosocial change so I intend on avoiding them like the plague from now on.

        Stay away from the beautiful narc heroin (Fatal Beauty); it isn’t worth it.

      26. SO true, K…it’s interesting to see how much HG does understand (and deeply + specifically) about his own narcissism, but then also grasp that even with all that understanding, HG’s emotions *can* (on-and-off) override his own understanding/logic.

        But in that way, he’s like us.

      27. Caroline-feels-fine
        HG has excellent insight and awareness and we are more alike than we think. Hope is a powerful emotion and can override logic faster than you can say, Timbuktu and Constantinople.

      28. K~Yours is the ONLY comment in my inbox that I can fully see!

        Yes, it’s now “Caroline-feels-fine” for my name (I’ve added to my name so that the new “navy blue Caroline” can solely have “Caroline”)…

        I just cannot ever NOT have hope. Hope is a huge part of who I am, come what may. I’m practical and logical, but if I get disappointed sometimes because I have hope, I can live with that.

        That said, I’m no fool. I see a lot. So there’s a balance… and I remain joyful.

        XO, dear K — the only post I can fully see!

      29. Caroline-feels-fine
        I like the new name! After all the shit I have been through, I still have hope; it’s a strong emotion but I am more cautious now and will rely on LT for the most part. I aim for balance and brevity! XO

      30. That does not surprise me about you, K. I actually think it takes courage to maintain hope.

        And you rock.

        That is all. 🙂

      31. Awwww….thank you, Caroline-feels-fine!
        I got your reply and your comment made me smile. Hope is persistent and she wouldn’t stop hoovering so I took her back, but it is conditional because I will always defer to logic from now on!

      32. K,

        I’ve read your reply 6 times now. I’m pretty “hit or miss” on the blog (my name really should be “Caroline-is-scattered — not “Caroline-feels-fine,” but it doesn’t rhyme in a cute way, lol)…

        So, wow — I’m thinking I’ve missed a whole bunch of things leading up to your decision.

        I’m conflicted because:
        1) By nature, I’m not judgy about other’s decisions but
        2) Friends don’t let friends let narcissists hurt them!…and
        3) I care… so I’m just concerned for you (pretty much, the definition of an empath).

        I know you have a lot of knowledge about narcissism, and you have always struck me as having a strong logical side…

        So I’ll simply say this to you, from my heart:

        I’m always for you, K. I want the best for you, and I don’t want you to get hurt. Just ping me if you ever need me.:-)

        Hugs,
        Caroline-feels-fine (and scattered!)

      33. Caroline-feels-fine
        Ok, I am a little confused but I think I have figured it out. A while ago I went NC with the emotion: Hope, on Little Acons-No-19

        K
        NOVEMBER 8, 2017 AT 19:02
        Fuck hope, that treasonous bitch. She will never be welcomed back into my life.

        Hope wouldn’t go away(she hoovered) so I took her back but I rely on LT now.

        Sorry for the confusion!!!

      34. K~
        Oooooh, gotcha! Well, thank God…I know I sounded so composed in my reply, but I was confused on more than a few fronts — AND you almost gave me a heart attack.

        ROTFL!

        🙂

      35. Sorry about the mix up Caroline-feels-fine! Turns out hope is a feeling, cognition or state of being….whatever it is; she is back.

      36. No problem, K. It was my mix-up…I’m just glad all is well!:-)

        Yep, “hope” has always been my middle name. No regrets on that front. Not even narcissists can make me jaded… it’s not in me. I think that’s why my past narcy romance was such an odd stand-off. He didn’t change… but neither did I.

        I’m still laughing at how I misunderstood what you were saying… oh-m’-gosh — too funny. 😉

      37. K~
        I sent ya a reply — ping me back if you didn’t get it. I’m just a hot techie mess right now! 😉

      38. Agreed, K! That is why the golden period is so convincing with what they are mirroring back to us. They feel good inside and out, adored (which exceeds love in the fuel matrix), and they even can maintain being monogamous during this time. They are intense and all consuming. It comes across as passion. If they are content and satisfied, yes that can even mean hopeful.

      39. Clarece
        The Golden Period is pure ecstasy! I try not to think of that wonderful, deadly, manufactured passion…ever. It is no wonder we both have hope and think: This is the one. Then, poof! All gone.

        Narcs are dangerous.

      40. At this point, I have no recollection of any golden, silver or bronze period. Lol

      41. Clarece
        Consider yourself lucky, I got the platinum package deal: narc heroin, wrapped in ecstasy, sprinkled with fentanyl. It is going to be a while before I can forget that.

      42. You describe it so well K. The drug, the beautiful drug that makes everyday feel like Christmas. That’s where their power lies. All the rest…well, you can fuck it sky high as HG says. I’ve been quite lucky or maybe I’m just a broken appliance. I never make it far past Golden. I rail against outright control. In order for it to work on me, it must be well disguised.

      43. MB
        Me,too. Once you can spot them easily, you can avoid them or stay always golden (or at least painted white) as a tertiary source.

      44. K, I would like to add RE: control. I’ve been fired from one job in my life. It was by what I now know to be a textbook ULN business owner. He was intent on having me under his thumb. Lots of backhanded provocation and passive aggressive behavior to get me in line. Nope, wasn’t happening! He berated me and made me cry once. It was completely unfair and I did not deserve it. It came out of nowhere. (Or so I thought at the time.) I told him and I quote, “You will not control me like you do your wife, your kids, and your dogs!” And proceeded to walk out the door. That was my last day. After the emotions settled, he called to say it was best that we part ways. I’ve seen him several times since and he’s very pleasant. Hugged me and even kissed me on the cheek. We had known each other for 7 years prior to that and got along fabulously so one would think coming to work for him would work out great. It lasted less than 2 months.

      45. MB
        Yup, they are control freaks! My lessers seemed worse and more aggressive than my midrangers when it came to control. My attitude was along the lines of “fuck you and your mother” so I got fired too and I walked out of two jobs. I would rather be broke and unemployed than work with a narc.

      46. Wow K! Your comments about needing to walk out of jobs with the F-You and your Mother really triggered me.
        Way back when I was still married and in my early 30’s I worked for 5 years at a law firm and was the Marketing and Personal Assistant to one of the Managing Partners (it was a Father and Son and I worked for the Father). The first 3 years were pretty uneventful and successful for me. I really grew there. That Partner adored me and paid me well. Things were great. Then him and his son clashed and decided to split the firm, clients and staff. Total chaos from there on. The Father played victim and that his stubborn son doesn’t want to “grow” the business the way he wants. More employees chose to go with the Father. Looking back it was definitely a “win” for him. Anyways after the split went through, I finally got pregnant for the first time after my second IVF treatment and going thru 3 years of infertility. Pregnancy was going very well and I just completed my first trimester.
        My then husband had just left for a 6-day conference in Washington DC. We had never been apart that long at that point yet. I came to work and when my boss (the Father) came in, he sat me down at his desk and proceeded to give me the harshest tongue lashing I’ve had from a boss or in any professional setting. He got personal though and made insults against my character (this is after I heard from 3 years I was the “perfect” assistant). For 45 minutes he raged at me. I was hysterically crying and had to leave. I went home for a couple of hours but had to return for a meeting with a client that afternoon that I was involved with that project. Later on after that, he apologized to me and said he had a fight with his wife that morning and just came in with a bad mood.
        5 days later I suffered a miscarriage.
        He kept lashing out at different managers and employees for the remainder of the 2 years I was there. I did get pregnant again and he was on best behavior for that pregnancy which is my one and only daughter. Once I was off on maternity leave (I took the full 12 weeks off), I could not bear the thought of leaving my precious baby to go and be around his toxic bs and games he played with people. One week before I was supposed to go back to work, I came in and quit and told him I couldn’t be around him and his toxic wife (gold-digger 14 years younger than him, wife #3, and cheating on him with her dentist). She was involved in many of the trade shows and marketing trips we would have to go on. That was a very empowering moment. I have never realized until the last couple of years, he was a narcissist. He definitely had a sadistic streak. He knew I would not hesitate to sue him if he messed with another pregnancy with everything I had gone thru to even conceive.
        A few years ago, he ended up selling his portion of the firm back to his son. Last I heard he suffered some mini-strokes and had to go in a nursing home.
        I always referred to him as the baby killer.

      47. That’s horrible, Clarece. I know that’s something a woman never gets over. Hugs and love you. ❤️

      48. Clarece
        Sometimes, I find the comments triggering, too, and it can bring up bad memories and painful feelings. The ripple effect of NPD can be felt in so many ways and often with deleterious consequences. Apologies won’t atone for the loss of your unborn child; it is no wonder you refer to him as Baby Killer. I am so sorry that you had to go through that nightmare and unwarranted loss.

        Quitting was the right decision and you will never regret that. Children are so full of mischief and love and their laughter is like music to my ears. They are like heaven on earth and you are lucky to have her.

      49. Hi K! I thought it would be a relevant story to share having dealt with a very narcissistic boss in my past which I had no clue that was what he was at the time. Ironically, my former best friend had worked there also and became the Operations Manager over the admin departments after the firm split between the Father and Son. Her and I really bonded with one other gal too, especially during this company split and then when I had the miscarriage. They both referred to him also as the Baby Killer. It’s like only women can truly know what we go through emotionally, physically and spiritually during pregnancy and to give birth.
        Flash forward several years, though, that former best friend went on to another company not long after I quit the law firm and eventually hired me as her assistant there when I was ready to go back to work when my daughter turned one.
        This past year, after a 3 year investigation with the FBI, she is serving a 3-1/2 year prison sentence for embezzling 1.2 million dollars over an 8 year span. And she will still claim, she was given a company credit card to use as part of her “compensation package”. She is the victim out of this. Boom. Another Sociopath in my life. I reflect and think, Hmmm, the chaos with the split at work and then personally going thru infertility, I must have had that vulnerability allowing her “in” my life. I went 7 years talking to her every morning on her way into the office. We were so close and I had no clue she was pulling this scam on the employers. She had a very Christian facade going too with her family in her church.
        I really try to not bring up or reminisce stories about JN anymore here. Even if they could be used as a point of reference and help others or even comically share a story. I’m really making the effort at no contact and no more reflecting on memories of any kind.

      50. Clarece
        Empaths and many apaths trust people and don’t think of them as embezzlers, schemers, or serial rapists/killers. The BTK killer had a job, was married and went to church every Sunday and author, Ann Rule, volunteered for a suicide hotline and worked with another volunteer who just happened to be Ted Bundy.

        I try not to reminisce either and just focus on the logic but, when I came to narcsite, I found people’s comments very helpful in sorting out my own experiences and feelings with my narcissists and I felt less alone.

        Like you, I am focusing less on the memories and more on NC. Moving forward and getting back on the horse is my plan.

      51. He did get married once and has two other, separate engagements under his belt.
        I’d say he was the smitten “victim” a time or three.😉

      52. He admitted that the marriage was for his facade. As for the engagements, at least one was probably an Initial Grand Hoover! Regardless, I think many of us here are rooting for him to find “the one”.

      53. Ah, ah, ah, MB, he also said at the time of getting married, yes it was at a time where professionally it would benefit him to look stable and settled down, but he also said her fuel was more potent and had surpassed anyone else up until that point. So, for a time, he did think he found the “one”. When he used to talk about ex-girlfriends in his articles, you can see he maintains a fondness for Karen, Caroline, etc. I don’t think I’ve heard HG talk about his ex-wife without using bitch or treacherous in the sentence. If it’s a really good day, she’s a treacherous bitch.

      54. Clarece and MB

        Well yes. She being the most treacherous of bitches because she acheived what the others could not, in fooling him into marrying her. (His view as he cannot countenance having made that error).

      55. Hahaha NA! Well, I’d have to hear her version of things to buy the song and dance that HG was fooled or tricked into marrying.

      56. Ok, thanks HG.
        It’s funny you are “Big in Japan”. For some reason I was thinking some days ago, before I read your comment, that it would be good your books were also read in Japan.

      57. Oh, I guess you mean happiness as a stable emotional state in you, correct? That you do not, I know. But is it possible that you have brief moments of “ happiness” when you are high in positive fuel. I know you feel power, but can feeling powerful make you sort of happy for a brief moment?

      58. HG

        Don’t you think that’s because you know no different? To know differently would require some very uncomfortable change and I can see where you my ask yourself why? I’m fine the way I am. It’s you folks that have the problem

        I’ve said many times I understand your feeling of no need to change what you believe works for you. The fact that we say what you do isn’t working is our perspective not yours. From your perspective, this is just the way life is and the way relationships go. Is this fair to say ?

      59. Deep sigh for you HG…Deep! I completely believe you. I do however wish it wasn’t so. I’m sorry you don’t have those things. I can’t help feeling that’s not your fault. 😔 I don’t know….just when I read that I felt sad. It doesn’t seem fair. You are a human being and you should have those things in some form or another. Everyone should.

      60. Hi morning sun…i wouldnt say im invested in HG but i do understand the disorder and the cluster b traits and ive learned to forgive along the way while protecting myself the best i can. I just hate to see someone who cognitively has the potential to make changes for the better go the opposite way and dwelve in revenge. It consumes hatred does and yes id be sad to see HG go in that direction further. None of us know him or what hes done in his lifetime but we know what weve gained here and for that im grateful. Narcissism aside i like the personality we see here of HG and it saddens me to think hes becoming more narcissistic when he has at his hands therapies that could help improve his disorder and help him lead a more peaceful live. Maybe even be able to have a long term relationship and find some form of happiness. Possibly really find out who he is and start to like that person. You cant achieve any of that focusing on hatred and getting even with people. Its poison. Let the past go. You had a shitty mother and she has to live with that reality. None of us can choose our parents and we werent promised the best childhoods but we can have a better adulthood if we do the work to heal and improve who we are.

      61. Hi Chihuahuamum. Just wanted to say that I do not have the impression this is just about revenge. I think HG is defending himself too and exposing narcissistic abuse at the same time, as he has been doing so far. I know your comment is well intentioned, but we don’t know yet what all this is about.
        Personally, I am of the opinion that a child sexual abuser must be exposed. That the abuse of a narc parent must be exposed. The dynamics of a whole family full of narcissism must be exposed. To me, it is the right thing to do because the whole world needs to learn about it
        This is not to criticize your comment. It is your opinion and wishes for HG from your empath perspective, and I respect it.

      62. Hi lou…youre right we dont know yet what itll be about. Revenge im not a believer in but exposure of a sexual predator i do think is important. I too was the victim of this at a young age. It was swept under the rug. I think it needs to be exposed so it doesnt happen to others.
        I think itd be a sticky situation being a family member in Hgs case but could be therapeutic addressing it and bringing it to light. Im not sure if it was written about if HG told his parents and how it was dealt with?
        I know for myself i was very young and for years blocked it from memory. It only happened the one time whereas if it was ongoing itd be very traumatic and damaging.
        Im looking forward to reading it if itll bring something positive from it both for HG and his readers.

      63. Thank you, ava101
        Yes, that is my narc twin. I was going through photos (ever presence, it is time to get rid of pictures of my MMRN and his IPPS) when I found that picture so I decided to switch it out.

      64. Chihuahuamom, thank you for explaining your point of view. If I understand correctly, you invest in the illusion you have of HG. In other words, you invest in yourself, only you do it by proxy.

        I personally find emotional empathy to be quite useless when applied to someone online, and especially when one is emotionally drained as victims of narcissists tend to be. Sure, refocusing your energy on HG instead of your narc can be an excellent crutch, but that only ever does good temporarily. Sooner or later you need to focus on your own health and well-being.

        I personally don’t think that any kind of drastic change would make sense for HG. He is a formed adult person. To break down everything he is and start building from scratch would not make sense – he still needs to function as an adult, do his job, etc.

        If anything, he deserves to be recognised, respected and valued for who he is and what he does with it instead of pitied. He’s like the tree that grew out of a seed lodged in a crack in the concrete surface surrounding him. Becoming a narcissist was neither his choice nor his desire nor his fault. The most he can do about it now is find a way to get what he needs from others while giving back to others what they need from him. In difference to most narcissists, his relationship with society is not parasitic but symbiotic.

        The real question is, does HE want to experience happiness, love etc. as normal people do? If not, who are we to pity him and wish him something he doesn’t want? That’s like wishing a gay person that they were straight because you are straight and you value and enjoy being straight.

      65. Morning sun, I like very much what you said about us wishing HG found love and happiness being like wishing a gay person were straight just because we’re straight. I find it very apt.
        HG has always said he doesn’t get attached to anybody and he thinks he was born like that.
        HG, I think you appreciate your readers’ well- intentioned wishes for you, but would you say Morning Sun’s analogy is correct?
        It may help people change their perspective.

      66. Hi morning sun…im sorry but i dont agree. Were talking a personality disorder not a sexual orientation. Its easy to gloss over it but the real learning is seeing what this disorder does and it destroys and preys on peoples vulnerabilities. I do respect the good that HG has done here but i do know for a fact with cluster b disorders there are therapies not to “cure” but modify and improve behaviours. These behaviours are not something to be looked at as a strength or advantage they are destructive in nature. Its easy to lose sight of that. I would like to see HG’s narcissism diminish not escalate which i think revenge would be. As narcissists get older their narcissism gets worse and HG has written about this. I want to see HG go in the opposite direction. Id like to see him use the therapy to improve his disorder and not just as a means to obtajn an inheritance.
        I am focused on myself and my own healing but i do care about other people and HG is one of those people.
        His narcissism is a part of who he is but no it is not a good quality. If you disagree go and ask the number of ex girlfriends and other victims out there. See what they have to say about it.
        No im sorry i dont agree but ty for sharing your point of view.

      67. Chihuahuamum, I know your answer is addressed to Morning Sun, so apologies for getting in. I just wanted to explain that I was referring to HG’s psychopathy, which is apparently genetic. Asking him to get attached to someone and love that person may be very well compared to asking a gay person to become straight. I do not know, Just found Morning Sun’s comparison interesting.

      68. “what this disorder does and it destroys and preys on peoples vulnerabilities”

        Of course, but that type of predator/prey dynamic is a fact of life, no matter what species. I guess I’m just not much of an idealist. It’s a marvel how society functions as well as it does, what with the aggression most people carry within as a remnant of a past that required much more ruthlessness to survive.

      69. True. This dynamic prey-predator has been present throughout history even among human species . It is true that human groups have “preyed” upon one another either intragroup ( i.ex. members of a complex society “preying”upon other members of the same society via slavery ,caste, class, taxes, rents, crime ,debts etc.) and /or intergroup ( i.ex. members of one society can “prey” upon a different society through raid, invasion, plunder, conquest, colonisation etc.)

        However this fact does not mean that this dynamic is sustainable for the whole human “ecosystem”.

        The predatory human behaviour its reflecting its impact on the “human ecosystem “ itself and on other ecosystems
        such as economy, society and environment .
        The question is if the present economy , society and environment ( with its predatory dynamic) in this century are three pillars or rather a “trilemma “ of sustainability?
        Just to put an example:

        The present economy is being much more polarised and much more prone to crisis.
        History shows a clear link between inequality and instability. The two most damaging crises of the last century – the Great Depression of the 1930s and the Great Crash of 2008 – were both preceded by sharp rises in inequality.
        It is a lesson that is yet to be learned. If the “human ecosystem” collapses : both the ones that are preyed and the predators will eventually collapse(as i.ex. the collapse of Lehman Brothers one of the biggest investment banks in the world as a consequence of the financial crisis of 2007-08 with the resulting domino effect on other key financial institutions and business around the world )

        It may be true that other “human ecosystems “would emerge if this happens but the former ecosystem will succumb.

        So, is this predator-prey dynamic sustainable? I do not think so.
        Even at the microlevel( social, family, romantic etc.) its repercussions are exponential and transcend into other areas being eventually detrimental to the predators themselves. ( Child abuse affects victims’ education, long-term physical and mental health and work performance, and increases the risk of adult aggression, violence and criminality)
        This dynamic predator -prey is not sustainable in the long run.

      70. Hi lou….i can see where this analogy could be compared but to me the two are apples to oranges. Narcissism may have a genetic component but its also the result of upbringing. Id never expect HG to feel the same way as an empath or feel love the way we do but i think its possible for him to get therapy and work on his maladaptive beliefs and be less destructive to himself and others. I dont say this out of disrespect bc i respect very much what HG has done to help people and also what hes shared of himself but im stating that id much rather read about how hes trying to improve himself vs getting revenge on people. That may not be what the series is about but if it was it would sadden me. Sadden me bc i think HG is a smart man and fully capable to get help to lesson the narcissistic traits. I do realise that most narcissists dont view their narcissism as a negative thing but the fact is true npd(not mild/med narc traits) is very negative. Thats the reality. Its emphasis is on deception and destruction.
        I find being on here its easy to attach to HGs personality and start thinking the perspective that narcissism is a disorder may be wrong but it isnt called a disorder for no reason. Npd, bpd and any of the other cluster b disorders are not a good thing. Dont confuse someone with narc traits with a diagnosed narcissist.
        A gay person is a sexual orientation it is not a diagnosed personality disorder.
        Anyways my two cents. I do appreciate your opinion and morning suns 🙂

      71. Chihuahuamum, I understand your points and agree with most of them. I also think HG can find less destructive ways to soothe his soul and be more pro social. My focus was more on the inborn traits of a psychopath and was wondering if some of us were not hoping or wishing sometimes that an apple becomes an orange. That’s all. My comment was not directed to you specifically. Morning Sun’s comparison got me thinking and I guess I was trying to walk in HG’s shoes.
        The subject is vast.

      72. HG

        You do not feel happy contented or peaceful.

        But feelings by another name: gratification..satiation..power.
        A state of being somewhat satisfied.i.e.

        Well fuelled you ”feel’ fine.

        Don’t you?

        I would envisage so.

      1. Thank you, analise13, I am the librarian at HGU and I always try to help out if I can.

  12. I keep wanting to leave here and grow. But this I will stay for.
    HG I know very little indeed about your life, the people in it and why you are this way. I already know i’ll cry reading about your childhood and be cautious when reading the abuse you lashed out. To evoke all of those emotions through your writing and life experiences is a gift. I’m glad you are sharing. If you ever do a TEDx i’ll be in the front row!

    1. I was feeling the same, but now I`m tired of checking the site for new posts, the new upcoming series. I quit reading the posts a time ago, recycled posts, but I enjoy the comments, I come back at times to read comments only. There are some interesting and valuable things to learn from the commenters, many are well informed and/or relating their experiences, well worth reading the conversations, advice, etc. I learn a lot this way. But, I also have moved on to a different avenue, this being one of healing. Healing also protects us, healing in a whole way, while also recognizing the narcissist/psychopath(s) who has damaged us. Yes, it is possible for us. I feel that shortly I probably will go and not come back at all. I think it is because it “feels” negative, or maybe that’s not it. I am starting to head in a different direction now. That’s how it feels. The need for recognizing the psychopath, narcissist, is good thing indeed, but then we live, the whole purpose is Life without the narcissist` abuse.

      1. Excellent! Agree! I hope to join you on the other side soon. I skim and skip some of HGs essays now and also focus on commentary moreso and focus in on topics that may be bubbling and troubling me at the time. I long for the day I feel free and clear. And back to my old self. Life is for the living! Thanks Kat-11-7😊

      2. That’s where I am heading too, Kathleen and Kat. Starting to feel free and clear. The anger and upset are gone. Maybe that’s why the negativity is getting to me. I do feel empowered though (thanks so much HG and all you smart and wonderful commenters) and can come back for answers if something is bugging me or for a consult if the narc and I cross paths again.

  13. I dont mind hg writing a revenge series. I am stuck in my ex malign obsession. He wont stop. I have read every new age article on how to be nice enough to make the bully go away. I have learned to accept being the narcissist enemy. I have stopped following most youtubers from the narcissist community. Im past the general stage of needing to understand what is happening. But lets be real, no one talks enough about the dark stuff. If we did this more, people will start believing the victims more.

    1. Hi Anm. I’m dealing with ex malign Hoover’s and my obsession. It’s like he doesn’t want me to move on. Not becuz he wants to restore the relationship becuz neither one of us wants that, but his malign boyish pranks . . . . Grow the heck up.
      I talk about the dark stuff . . . His proclivity toward porn, wanting me to do bizarre sex stuff, sleep rape. I was not believed that I was raped becuz I was in a consensual relationship AT ONE TIME. I exposed my ex Narc and it put me in a precarious position in a small community and his revenge wrath. However, if I help one man/woman by talking about the dark stuff it will have been worth it. That may be why I became ensnared. My new normal boyfriend wants to beat the crap out of him. Just smack talk cuz we’re nonviolent. Last night he said, “he came on to you when you were the weakest, confused and vulnerable.”

  14. Hmmmm…. Though my thoughts matter very little in the bigger picture; Im not sure how I feel about the whole ” revenge” aspect. Is it in each case with each person actually justified? Or merely narcissistic injury?Or revenge for exposure?Nevertheless ,I am intrigued and look forward to reading HG.

  15. Hello again HG. I havent comment for a long time but have to say you’ve sparked my curiosity again. Thanks for sharing. I so appreciate it.

  16. I did not know the word ‘cabal’ came from a group of Charles II ministers. Very interesting. I am intrigued to see how you weave these references and meanings into your personal story.

  17. Dearest Hg,

    But.. surely your sister, and even more so, your brother.. are not considered traitors? And wouldn’t they be in a good position to more accurately, albeit through their own memory’s lens.. recall how you were? I know, I know, Fide Nemini…
    We all have our own perspective of “reality”.. yet we are not all liars…

    No. I don’t understand why you attach and never become attached..

    I know, your perspective of “attachment is the seat of misery”  but I do not understand this.. I understand that people have often tried to love me, but if they hurt me, they often did so unintentionally.. but that they did not know how to love me the way I needed to be loved.. but I didn’t know either.. so we are all learning.. sometimes it’s painful, but I can forgive, move on if need be, but I have yet to regret choosing to love… choosing to attach…

    Yikes.. what do you consider your raison d’être, Hg?

    Thank you for sharing with us.. As always, looking forward to learning more.

    1. The sibling filter is stronger than you think there Nuit. Mine for example still don’t agree that our childhood was abusive. They just say it was rough. I don’t know if it’s because I was somehow targeted more or if they just refuse to accept they were abused. Either way if I went off my sibling’s tales then I would still be stuck dealing with the narcissist and I choose to be free and happy more than placate the overlord.

  18. Thank you.
    Not to be a jerk …but knowing the tendency for the victim mentality of a narcissist – this seems a bit suspect to me. Like in many of the essays -they are written in the tense where you state you are acting out against the “victims “ because they’ traitors and deserve it! we see the pathology because all we were doing was trying to love a narcissist who couldn’t accept it.

    Not 100% clear but do these then deal with why you believe you became grandiose narcissist?

    One thing-
    Sometimes I especially feel for new readers you skip over a lot of assumptions and go straight into playacting of the evil narcissist-and the like.
    I will admit that this reduces my sharing your information/essays with a friend of mine who is just now really understanding what she was involved in. She’d be lost.
    Just a suggestion on the writing style… For those of us who have been reading essays and reading comments too for 6 months or more -we have a lot of context- it 99%of the time makes sense.
    But newbies may need an introduction-

    it would be very helpful to partition your website to divide up your approaches. (And further divide by narcissist relationship issues perhaps with chronological divisions.

    There are what I now see as 3 or 4 writing styles or approaches :

    One-self exposure/self analysis (new -dolus )
    Two- straightforward informational essays and ditty’s about bad narc behavior and the pain it causes
    Three- the creature speaks (rip roaring play acting scenarios and mind benders -almost stream of consciousness )
    Four- book advertisements

    Thanks HG

  19. It is to soon for me to comment HG, but I will be following this series as will many I’m sure. Thank you for sharing this very personal information with us.

  20. It’s a valuable goal to share that which has the potential to help others further understand your psychological construct, HG. Without deeper knowledge, there can’t be bigger breakthroughs in treatment of narcissists — or more help for their victims.

    That said, I’m not sure how much of this series I’ll be able to read. Call me a “lightweight,” but I tend to feel physically ill ingesting too many details about childhood abuse. I’ll read what I can… but I just wanted you to know that I appreciate how you’re opening up more about your personal past, in an effort to increase overall understanding for many today.

    In regard to your statement about your subsequent “behavior” toward those you feel have hurt/harmed you in the past, I hope that behavior doesn’t entail anything an empath would be against. 🙂 You aren’t motivated by hope, but I am — so I will pray that more darkness will not be the collateral damage from this series that’s based on shedding light.

    Above all else, I wish you healing, HG…and peace (no, that’s not as sexy as power, but so be it) 😉

  21. Wow! My mind is racing. Very impressive having the 10 to take down, I’m guessing with your ever evolving Grand Design, are collectively in “Dolus Malus”. MatriNarc has to be included in this, correct?
    Here is where I’m torn on where you feel all past observations, memories of how you were perceived, recollections etc., must all be lumped in unanimously as lies.
    I read above, “You were never filled with hatred as you are now,” says one, and then “he has always been a hateful little boy,” says the other. It depends on who perceived that, what their relationship was to you and what time in your life they knew you. Not that it takes away what your perception and feelings are.
    I can see the first statement coming from Rachel or Lennox, who still seem to adore you and want you in their lives. So a statement like that can come from a sentiment of wanting to see peace take the place of hate in your life for your well-being. Even though it may sound negative, depending who said that, it may not be. Does that make sense. It could have been said by your ex-wife who may still love the illusion you presented when you dated, got engaged and were first married.
    The second remark of being a hate filled little boy – well that could have come from your Aunt doing a smear campaign to cover her own behind. That could have been said by a former classmate who would have never known what the true family dynamics were behind closed doors that you were growing up with and internalizing. It could have been said by Uncle Pete to the doctors to keep you locked into therapy sessions.
    The hate is linked to the toxic shame you have buried that morphed into your Creature.
    Too many thoughts at the moment, to put all out right now…

  22. By venting your (internalised) hatred onto innocent people who aren’t a part of this, you became just like them.

    People can be such scum, because they can’t evolve beyond this. It’s not personal, it’s a lack of having the depth to be personal.

    There is no single turning-point event at which someone becomes NPD or ASD, it’s the way one develops and is a core personality by age 9.

  23. Are those letters the initial for the real first names of each of your traitors?
    Your mother?
    Your aunt?
    Your uncle ?
    Your father, perhaps for failing to protect you?
    Your ex wife?
    The two individuals who sought to bring criminal allegations against you?

    Who might the other three be?
    Your maternal grandparents?
    Your other siblings?
    Professional traitors?
    Your doctors?

    Will you tell us who is represented by each letter of the series?

    That is a cleverly intellectual ( of course) way to present your execution of malice.
    Like a game of Clue.
    That also explains another aspect to the Charles ll fascination.
    Very interesting HG.
    My inquisitive mind is primed.

    One of the lights in the image is extinguished.
    Hmm, has one of the letters been dealt with already?
    Exciting days ahead!

    1. No, none of the letters has been dealt with already. Each letter in Dolus Malus appertains to a traitorous individual – you are welcome to try to ascertain which each letter appertains to (it is not the first name but rather a description of that person relative to me or in a particular position).

      1. This sounds really exciting, HG.
        I am not advocating revenge.
        Just exciting to learn more about you and your early beginnings.
        I will, of course try to figure it out.
        How my mind works.

      2. HG, are there people in your life that have never betrayed you? If anyone sticks around long enough, will they inevitably get it wrong? Surely there are more than 10 traitors…

      3. D octor..docent..dolt
        o ptimist..
        l over..
        u surper
        sister..

        Matrinarc
        aunt
        l ieutenant..louse..
        uncle
        s pouse..spy..

      4. Dolus Malus (loosely based on the rhyme: tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor)

        Doctor, lawyers (2)
        Siblings (2), sailor*
        Uncles (2), aunt
        Matrinarc, observer (someone who stood by and didn’t intervene)

        *Sailor was used as a filler

        Nuit Étoilée’s acrostic was my inspiration.

      5. K,

        Ooohhh I like lawyers.. and your poem style 😊
        Glad to share thoughts w you!

        Hg, care to offer any corrections or hints?

      6. I understand the guessing and anticipation, but for myself-I dont want to speculate. I want to go in blindfolded and absorb the information impartially with no pre-conceived notions or expectation.

      7. NarcAngel
        Me, too. I feel I don’t have enough data to reason effectively at this point.

      8. Thanks, Nuit Étoilée
        When I read your acrostic, I immediately thought of Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief so I just went with it.

      9. Awe, a new game!
        And this time with a solution in the future.

        Doctor
        Ordained priest
        Lawyer
        Uncle
        Siblings / Sister

        MatriNarc
        Aunt
        Lieutenant X
        Unsub
        Superior at work

      10. Awe, thank you, K! *blushing*

        I’ve been thinking about the dad, too, but HG wouldn’t call him that? What was his first name, HG?

      11. You are welcome, ava101!
        This should answer your question.

        Pamela
        MAY 31, 2017 AT 12:04
        HG, have you ever used any individuals real names on this blog. Such as family members, past girlfriend, work mates and so forth? Or are all names made up? I haven’t read any name for your mum, other then matrinarc or your half brother. Just your dad( Martin) sister(Rachael) and brother(Lennox).

        https://narcsite.com/2017/04/11/mother-knows-best-4/#comments

      12. Oh, right, but the “M” is definitely taken, if it is more a description of that person. … hmm…. I guess we will have to wait and see. 😉

      13. Ava,
        M could be miscreant/Matrinarc( evil doer)
        Maybe his father is under A for apostates
        (ones who leave or desert the cause, being HG)
        Maybe the D is for all the double crossers.
        Too many possibilities for me.
        I will wait till HG lays it all out for us.

      14. HG my WP crashed,
        While sending.
        if comments repeated.
        Please remove.
        Thank you.

  24. HG, very insightful and deep. I’m beginning to see into your world and how you think. Intense!!!

  25. Interesting to see your awareness but inability or unwillingness to change or to even see a need to change. That is not criticism at all. I get it. I am fully aware of my Codepebdent behaviors but rarely see any need or have any willingness to change them unless some sort of crisis had arisen. Awareness and insight do not necessarily translate to change.

    I can only say it’s an odd feeling to have awareness about my Codependent behaviors yet not do anything about but honestly it’s comfortable at the same time. Change can only come if you are willing to get uncomfortable and you won’t find many codependents Narcs or addicts of willingly to get uncomfortable unless some crisis has forced it

    Just my take. Thanks for writing this. Very interesting

    1. Lori
      He can’t change and I think you wrote it best on Love is a Taught Construct.

      Lori
      MAY 18, 2018 AT 07:13
      While we may see the issue quite clearly and think why can’t they just overcome this childhood issue in therapy? They cannot because this is not a mental illness that came over them like a cloak of darkness one day. Nope this is woven into their personality. To try to undo it, would literally be undoing them. They would deconstruct. It’s every fiber of their being. Their true self no longer exists which is why no amount of therapy will cure them. You cant heal an inner child that is dead.

      The DSM defines personality as:
      “(E)nduring patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and oneself that are exhibited in a wide range of social and personal contexts.” [p. 686]

      No matter how aware I am, I cannot remove the violence from my personality so how can we possibly expect HG to remove his narcissism?

      1. First of all . Great HG Finally.
        I still read you because I find the blog very interesting and there is always more to understand. There are narcissistic people everywhere.
        I place my comment here because I had the Same question! I was thinking maybr this series of dolus malus is for narcissists also! Maybe going down to the core core core where the pain can be felt….and let go off ..maybe this will work… let go also of the need to pass pain to others, let go of the need to hurt others, let go of the greed, let go of the egoism…

    2. “Change can only come if you are willing to get uncomfortable and you won’t find many codependents Narcs or addicts of willingly to get uncomfortable unless some crisis has forced it”

      –exactly! It’s the source of why they hate themselves. Can’t face fears and transcend, too weak.

      So there’s all this bullshit transcendence instead.

  26. I do understand why you attach but never get attached. And that makes me feel deep pain FOR you, because of the contagion type of empathy I am. Because I know what you should feel, but can’t. There is an unbelievable amount of locked up pain within you. It hurts me to know this. I know my emotion means nothing to you and you no doubt look down on it as pathetic and weak. Please don’t forget the humanity that’s still within you.

  27. Wow , HG, I think I know where this is going.
    And like you, I was called a hateful little girl. Put on meds and lived on and off in institutions from 5 to 10 years old. I was nothing as a pawn for my mother to keep my dad. It worked.

    1. Tammy
      I am so sorry. Children should never be treated like you were. You should have been loved and well-cared-for, because that is what you deserved. Certainly, not meds and an institution. That is unforgivable.

      1. K, my parents are dead and gone, and thank god. . I’m only now able to think about forgiveness, but have a long way to go. A long way to go.

      2. Sorry to hear what happened. Yes forgiveness is the first step to healing.

    2. Tammy
      Your comment was heartbreaking to read and I got all teary-eyed and sad and I wished I could have protected you from your parents. If you can’t find forgiveness that is ok. Focus on yourself and getting better.

      1. Hi K, I figure the best way through it all is to share and be transparent.
        My plan is to not let what happend to run me any longer. Going to my 2nd therapy appointment today. Doing my best to figure out what I am able to add and delete. Staying up journaling, reading and listen to HG . I start simple morning meditations for an hour beginning at 4 am.
        But it’s not that serene. I switched my addiction to pills, and overeating.
        But, one thing at a time.

      2. And hey HG in my last consult with you. You gave me some homework about snapping a rubber band on my wrist. Thought I’d be in up something kinda funny…so far I’ve gone through at least a half a package of rubber band’s. But hey, it works!!!!

      3. Lol, yes!
        But there where deeper things. I highly recommend a consult with HG.
        I have my days, but I read the blog, listen to him on YouTube, I read his books. Etc….
        I’m sure everyone who’s spoken with HG takes away their own homework that helps with cool, hard logic if you follow what he says, in order to be or become narc free.

    3. Hello Tammy
      Let it all out and don’t apologize for any of your feelings (hate, anger, revenge) or accept any blame for what your parents did to you. I hope you have a good therapist who helps you work through the pain and the issues surrounding your childhood.

      Don’t let it run you any longer. Get “good and angry” if you have to and take control. Fuck everyone and put yourself first. Life is too damn short to waste on shit you can’t control or change (the past).

      It is very common to switch-out addictions, hopefully therapy will help with that. In the mean time keep writing, reading and listening.

      It will take time but you will get there.

      1. Sweet K, thanks for being on. This journey with me. Thank you for the kind words and love felt, and that goes 5e everyone here. I may not comment, but everyone’s comments pretty much help.
        I always get up at 4am, do my meditations the. Spend another hour or more with you and everyone here, journaling some ideas HG and you guys come up with.
        I can’t wait until things really sink in. And thank you,K for giving me permission to be myself.

    4. You are welcome, Tammy
      The journey won’t be easy but you will make HG, and the rest of us, proud!

      1. It’s weird because all this wanting to make everyone proud is a very small child within wanting to be loved.
        And even as I wright that, I know it’s true, but there’s no feeling to back it up.
        Except anger, rage, and fight or flight syndrom.

      2. Tammy
        Btw- you dont HAVE to make us proud. You just DO by loving that little girl. Its her time.

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