Tenacious

 

TENACIOUS-2

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

13 thoughts on “Tenacious

  1. Lisa44 says:

    Do you think the golden period i linked to the release of dopamine in the brain? I read this article about how in the idealization phase there is a large release of dopamine. For narcs and socios. A rewards system that fades out once things get comfortable. Its a Good read

    https://neuroinstincts.com/neuroscience-behind-idealize-devalue-and-discard-rhonda-freeman/

  2. WiserNow says:

    Caroline,

    Thanks for your comment. I am sorry that you and your niece and nephews have to experience this. It’s sad, unfair, and ultimately damaging and limiting for your relationships with the children, and their relationships with you, not to mention the healthy growth and social development of the children involved.

    I know that concepts like “perspectives” and “logic” are used on this blog in a philosophical way to explain and understand how and why people’s minds work the way they do, however, the feeling of being deprived of joy and happiness and having beautiful fulfilling relationships stunted due to the jealous and small-minded competitiveness of self-centred narcissistic people is so sad and frustrating. It robs many people of wonderful experiences for seemingly futile reasons.

    I really hope you and your nieces and nephews can somehow continue to enjoy your respective relationships.

    1. Caroline says:

      Wisernow
      Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding.
      I hope that in the future we can see each other and talk about things, and take up where we left off. I also hope that the foundation of love and trust that was built when they were little will stand the test of time.

      It shocked me the day I realised that my N-sister would knowingly inflict emotional pain on her children in pursuit of hurting me. That’s twisted.
      That’s a completely untrustworthy person.

      I often wonder if there was something else I could have done to not reach this endpoint (ok HG, I now know the answer is ‘no’), but I have never been able to discuss or resolve anything with my sister. She has always seen me as an opponent to be subdued, and there’s zero respect.
      I always wanted us to be good friends like Kate and Pippa Middleton.

      It seems like Ns will choose to do it the way that produces most pain. Never peace. Never greater closeness. Even when you’re complying, it still ends up sad.

  3. Caroline says:

    So thorough, and so well described HG!
    Thank you
    ‘the warping’ — I know that well.
    The Evil Limbo that I was forced to dance at EVERY family gathering so that I could spend time with my niece and nephews. The littlest one often said in private “I wish you were my mum”. Yes, dear readers, he is my victim-N sister’s child (his dad is the obese, spiteful co-dep).
    He is an intelligent, sensitive, beautiful little man; he’s one of our kind. It won’t be long before the female N-sharks come circling.

    Those children and I were always full of joy in each other’s company, and (just had an epiphany HG as I’m writing this) this has inflamed my sister’s jealousy every time.

    She has, as all the readers anticipated, emotionally blackmailed me with them, because I adore them, and they adore me. I’d happily take a bullet for those children, and she knows it.
    The NC I had to install in 2012 brought overwhelming grief being disconnected from my niece and nephews, but dancing the Evil Limbo was killing me.

    1. MB says:

      Sounds like a plausible defense for a kidnapping Caroline! I have no idea what you’re supposed to do when you see an innocent child being abused. Such a helpless feeling!

      1. Caroline says:

        Thanks MB,
        Such heartache, which could so easily be avoided.
        I hope things are going well for you.

  4. Claudia says:

    Wow, thanks again for all of this. It’s incredibly helpful. I think the hardest but most important part is coming to grips with the golden period as a total illusion, because it is as addictive as any drug. I’m positive if MRIs were taken of empaths during this time that the effects could be seen and quantified in a similar way to those of drug addicts. We all crave having that rush once again, even when we know the crash that will inevitably come afterwards.

    Also, as a music and comedy fan, I automatically read this title as Tenacious E, LOL. My narc is employing so many hoover moves right now, and I’m over here feeling safe, educating myself, and laughing. For the first time in 10 years I’m able to just not reply to any of his nonsense instead of crying and caving in.Thank you!!!!!

    1. Caroline says:

      Claudia,
      It’s good to have you here.
      You’re amongst friends.

  5. wounded says:

    Yes I am tenacious which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt instead of the finger. Thinking I could help, be there because I was a trusted friend.

    I’m tenacious and strong willed enough to stay far, far away.

  6. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    Yes, I was tenacious in making sure that my relationship worked but I have the same tenacity in making sure that I stay no contact.

    1. Jane hall says:

      Pascaleshealingjourney – I agree. Tenacious we were. Now we use that same GRIT to stay away from the evil, crafty manipulations of the NARC.

      1. pascaleshealingjourney says:

        Indeed we do. 😊

      2. Caroline says:

        Hi Jane
        I hope things are going well for you and your precious daughter.

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