Birthday Blues


They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for once, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”

27 thoughts on “Birthday Blues

  1. Lori says:

    I have a question how do Narcs feel if an ipss on the shelf ignores their birthday? Does it feel like a loss of control ? Are they angry or do they just not care since they have other supply ?

  2. Lori says:

    I am an ipss that was discarded some 6 months ago. He does not speak to me has me blocked etc… it’s about to be my birthday. Why do I feel anxiety about It? What are the odds of hoovering on a discarded ipsss birthday? I feel on edge about it and I don’t know why almost like someone is going to jump out of the bushes even though logically I know he diesnt speak to me. Is there a little part of me that wants the hoover ? If I’m honest I’d say yes but most of me doesn’t. I’m finally starting to feel like I’m getting over it( but I still feel edgy about it. I know I’m in one of his spheres because we have many mutual friends and I know they bring me up to him plus he sees them talking to me. What should I expect or not expect HG ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      These are matters for consultation.

      1. Lori says:

        Thank you. I don’t lnow why I feel so anxious about it. I’m pretty certain I won’t hear a peep. He still has me blocked but I always have this feeling that he watches me. Is that in my head ? Is it some sort of wishful thinking on my part ? Or is it because there’s likely some truth to it ?

      2. Lori says:

        Intellectually and now after many months later somewhat emotionally, I know that the best case scenario is that I don’t hear a word from him. I know that it would set me back many months and maybe even all the way back to square one. Am I still in the emotional sea part 1 ? I feel like I have made some progress but if I’m honest, I do feel I’m somewhat susceptible emotionally since I’m a Codepebdent. Do you think Codepebdents struggle moving past the emotional sea part 1 more than standard Empaths!

  3. Tabstyrell says:

    Yes, I have respect for this one, this whole thing is a masterstroke! Brilliant bastard he is.

    Bet he wouldn’t make the mistake of targeting a well-disguised emotionless schizoid freak who just happened to be horribly sedated at the time…

  4. Leslie says:

    Yes, well i didn’t bother about his birthday and let him sulk. I don’t give a damn anymore.

  5. Rachel says:

    The more I’m reading here, the more I’m starting to wonder if my father is also a narcissist. He has so many of the traits. And this article brings back many bad memories, as he always knew how to ruin all of our birthdays, christmas, new years eve, and holidays. Any special event actually. He would sit angry in a corner, making people feel uncomfortable, or say mean things to my mother. He was jealous if anyone was having a nice, happy conversation with one of us. Rolling his eyes.
    I think because of this, the days before my birthday I start to feel down, and on the day itself I just can’t enjoy the party. At some point I even decided to stop celebrating it, and disappear around that date. It’s stuff I’m just starting to realise. Now I also wonder if having a narcissist parent makes you feel more attracted to a narcissist partner. (if you didn’t become a narcissist yourself of course) I didn’t read all the comments on this blog, but I did notice some women have more than 1 narcissist in their lives. Often a parent or sibling, and a partner.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is often the case that many people eventually realise that they have had more than one narcissist in their lives.

    2. windstorm says:

      I know a lot of women who had narc fathers and almost all of them married narcissists themselves. My own personal hypothesis is that little girls tend to look up to their fathers as the standard of what to expect from men. It is then no surprise that if their fathers were narcissists, then they unconsciously seek out narc partners.

      1. Rachel says:

        Thank you for your reply.
        My father is everything I would avoid like the plague.:) The narcissist ex-lover presented himself like a loving, caring, deep and spiritual person, but turned out to be the exact opposite.
        So, growing up with a two-faced person, I didn’t expect I would ever fall for someone like that. I thought I fell for that loving person. But that was a facade. That’s what I’m thinking about now. Did I subconsciously seek out this cold, empty person. It’s interesting stuff.

        1. windstorm says:

          I doubt you sought out the cold, empty characteristics of your dad. But there may have been other more subtle characteristics that affected your choice. Is your mom still where you could ask her if your dad seemed loving and caring when they first met?

      2. Rachel says:

        Yes, and my parents are still together, that’s unbelievable! My mom once told me that my grandfather (my father’s father) even warned her not to get married to him, because he was not the person she thought he was. So I guess there’s the answer. The red flags. His mother died 3 months after he was born, and my grandfather then married a woman that never loved or accepted my father. (heard that from my father’s cousin) Now I don’t want to pretend to be a psychiatrist and diagnose everyone and their mother (father) with narcsissim, but suddenly things seem to fall into place.
        And, thinking of it, I also don’t think I picked the narc ex-lover, but he probably picked me. I am very empathic, and easy to manipulate. (I do have to admit I have some of the narcsissist traits, which I discovered here as well)

        1. windstorm says:

          You made me think of my FIL ( who I loved very dearly). He was a greater somatic narc and he caught me off guard when I was 16 and just engaged when he told me – right in front of the whole family – “Noooo! Don’t you marry thus jug-head son of mine! You can do a lot better than him! Pretty thing like you. You need to rethink and reconsider marrying this one or you’ll be sorry! You remember that I warned you!”

          Then for the next 30-odd years he’d periodically remind me, in a very comic, exaggerated way, “Didn’t I tell you not to marry that jug-head son of mine? ‘ You remember? I told you not to, but did you listen to your ole daddy-in-law? Noooo! But you’ve learned your lesson now. You’ll listen to me now when I give you advice, ‘cause you’re a smart girl.”

          He was a hoot and I’ll always miss him. He did give me a ton of good advice and I did listen from then on!

  6. TabsTyrell says:

    My last birthday ‘gift’ to my narcissist cost me a lot in booked travel and accommodation, but was worth it. I built up his hopes for trashing me again in spectacular fashion, then broke all contact days before we were to go. Leaving him with a cocaine debt way exceeding his monthly income – he’d demanded I fund this because ‘it’s MY birthday and this is what I get for my birthday’, but placed the order himself with some dangerous people. Sweet.

  7. Caroline says:

    Words I could say to my six-year-old self:
    “Today is your birthday, you are having a party.
    That person you call Mummy is going to make this all about her. You are going to cry and feel crushed and unloved. You will wonder “why am I here again?” You will ever afterwards feel confused about this. You will never talk about it.
    One day it will make sense.
    One day you’ll discover narcsite.”

  8. nunya biz says:

    Yes I hate my birthday : ).
    Mainly because my sister’s is 1 week prior. Always seemed to be the setup for some silent treatment issues.

  9. Presque Vu says:

    Tammy we are all still here!
    Keep your chin up girl…. listen to this… I’m sure your ex was a dickhead too 👊🏻

  10. Fuel on the Shelf says:

    Ohhhh so true!
    First year I was lavished with attention.
    Second year was a text “Happy Birthday and many happy returns!” 🙄 Followed by a fight of how he never made any time for me.
    Third year (this year): Forgot it completely! When I said my feelings were hurt I got a half assed apology.
    Upcoming birthday: he already knows about it, my plans for a party and that he’s gonna be invited. I’m curious how this’ll play out.

    It’s never the same each year is it? 🙄

  11. Tammy says:

    All I want to say is thank you, HG. for some reason your blog disappeared.
    I’m really a mess when you and everyone here isn’t around.
    Everyone keeps my chin above water.

    1. foolme1time says:

      Tammy this sometimes happens. I feel the same way when the support group is gone. I found what helps me is listening to HG’s YouTube videos and looking at older posts with comments from some of my favorite bloggers! 🌻

      1. Tammy says:

        I’m glad I’m not alone, lol!!! Now that I know HG has his moments, I’ll just wait for him to appear.
        Or, we can find him and tie him down!!! Jesus Christ, HG!!! You really freaked me out!!!
        …insert smile.

        1. foolme1time says:

          Lol!! The first year of his blog he went away through Xmas and New year, I thought it was the end of the blog and he wouldn’t be back! Talk about a panic attack! Lol. I really don’t think HG goes for being tied down ( unless it’s from NA 😘) I believe he would be the one doing all the tying down! 😜lol

    2. Bubbles🍾 says:

      Dear Tammy,
      We are all still here sweetheart…. this is when it’s a good time to catch up and revise on old posts
      Mr Tudor disappears every now and then …. like Houdini ….(usually his work etc) ….then he reappears …”poof” 🐰🎩
      be nice if he told us … but then he wouldn’t be a narc would he?
      I miss him too (did I just say that … haha) and everyone else here, but let’s keep it to ourselves otherwise it might go to his head 🤴
      Luv Bubbles🍾

      1. Tammy says:

        Lol!!! I’m glad the ghost is back!!! I need this particular ghost!!!
        And yes, reviewing what I missed.

        1. MB says:

          Just imagine how disengagement would feel from the Ultra HG, Tammy. Devastating indeed!

          I can see how the blog helps to cater to his pillar of omnipotence. Nothing happens when he’s not here. Brilliant!

      2. nikitalondon says:

        The ghosting article would be appropriate LOL

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