The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist

THE IMPORTANCEOF BINDING YOUTO THENARCISSIST

 

One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

41 thoughts on “The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist

  1. Tamara says:

    Yes, and even more so with a “Greater”. Just a taste, and we are laid to waste.

  2. Renarde says:

    This is a very strange post. It does not disturb me but I honestly think it might be worth an iota of reflection here. I am now speaking as one who is also an energy worker and a pagan priestess of some 17 years standing

    Ties that bind us spiritually from one person to another and especially where there has been abuse are not good. The blow back on you will be considerable for doing so. Because what you are speaking about is ‘revenge’.This can be achieved but I guarantee, IT WILL come at a cost to ourselves. It is far better; far healthier, just to simply walk away. Whatever the cost. Believe me, I have been to the depths and I have been lucky to survive. Remember, karma is served not by the people who wish it but the very Universe itself.

    I think what bothers me is your use of the phrase ‘he owns me’. No; he does not. He may perceive he owns you but that is another matter. In much that same respect; no, you do not own him. In any way shape or form. You are perceiving that you do.

    What is required is, I believe, is to ‘step outside of the narrative’. How do our own families’ narratives (childhoods) inform how we behave? It is considerable.

    OK, so this is the way that I see it. Children are little bits of clay that are easily moulded and shaped. This will go on to affect how they perceive the world. Is it good, bad, neutral, beautiful or cruel? For me, the world is beautiful, People can be cruel but the world itself is just…. indifferent. Unless we form relationships which reinforces our own ‘worldview’.

    I’m not meaning to be unkind. Very far from it. I personally think, it doesn’t serve your own ‘worldview’ to allow someone who is as clearly intelligent and articulate as you are to let, what, a lesser (?), take up so much of your headspace.

    Let it go. Find peace. He is acting on instinct and he will never, in a billion years achieve your own level of understanding. Let that be your reward and your salvation. The need for revenge, I can see is huge. In all my time on NarcWorld, there is only ONE man who, if he continued to prod me, poke me (or heaven fore-fend, try to resurrect the FR), would I ever, really and truly think of ‘taking down’. No it’s not PN. It’s a man I met a few years ago. A nasty, villainous piece of utter shit that, if I was so moved and I was healthy and of a sane mind and had the resources, I would do so. Not to toy with him. No; it would be ruthless. The thought does not preoccupy me. In all likelihood he will leave alone. I think he probably will and that is the way I prefer it.

    You see, he committed one of the most serious crimes against a person. He raped me and utterly violated my sexual consent on another matter.

    Far better to spend my energy on my children, my cats, my writing and myself. Or, in common parlance; just living.

    Leave the scum to the dogs and walk on by my friend.

    Please do take my advice with the spirit it’s intended. But also listen to HG maybe? He doesn’t advise it either but I rather suspect he’s come from a more prosaic view.

    Wish you well.

    1. Tammy says:

      Renarde, what you wrote is the truth.
      But I’m so bitter and angry.
      All the hurt and shame and losses that come from being a battered woman. And I mean severely battered. Sometimes, like right now I wish for his death. Or see him severely punished. I d love to tie him down and beat him senseless.
      I feel so f’ ing damaged. I hate him from the core of my being.
      I prayed and asked Kali ma for help and protection.
      I’m also grieving hard. Last night he tried to Hoover me. And all I can feel right now is pure hate. I need to feel it. I’ve always swallowed my feelings. I m glad I can finally hate him. He’s lower than dog shit.

      1. Renarde says:

        I get this. Totally. I acknowledge and respect how you feel. For the first time, I feel I am at a loss to convey any kind of helpful thoughts but I will try. You see, in all of the machinations and manipulations, being battered is not at situation I have very often found myself in.

        Yes, had men who ‘tried it on’. But never had it seriously. Why? No idea.

        OK, so, let’s twist this one round. He tried to Hoover you but from tone and inflection in your writing, you resisted? Fucking good on YOU! Hey, that’s fucking brilliant! YOU are brilliant! Yes, OK, it was hard but you stopped it, Or in other words, didn’t allow it to succeed.

        His ‘lashback’ on your own psyche has been immense as you have now relived those moments. Awful and fucking terrible. I am so sorry you expereinced this.

        But it didn’t work. His Hoover (and I bet any money it WAS pathetic), failed.

        I think once we can get to those moments were we feel, just pure hatred, THAT is where the true healing can begin. What might of, at the beginning of today for you, came as a ‘downer’; take heart. The rage, that passion will now fuel you. I urge you not to let is consume you though.

        Tomorrow is another day. Fight the good fight. Build your walls up strong and in time, I promise you; you won’t even NEED the defenses because they are now in your mind. It will be a subconscious reflex when you see it coming. On phone, text, social media etc, I guarantee you, you will grin and you will laugh.

        Then you”ll get on with your life.

        .

        1. Tammy says:

          Renarde thank you and very right on. All though right now I’m consumed by hate and trying to press down my rage.
          I played with fire, I got burned. By many. Grieving is no easy deal. I think Thursday I need a trip to the ocean. Let nature take away the pain and rage that’s consuming me before I fucking snap. Plus going through all this is doing in my body. Been having some health issues that are messing up my body. There’s so damn much to deal with.

    2. Renarde says:

      I’ve obviously had some kind of ‘WordPress Fail’ here. My comment above is NOT directed at HG. It’s directed at Katie V.

      Jussst before any confusion arises….

    3. Katy says:

      Thank you, Renarde. This is partly a side effect of the “emotional infection” that seeps out, as HG calls it with the perfect accuracy of someone who knows.

      So, I know I am sick inside. I am not simply wounded. It’s more than that. The wound is infected and I am sick. I know it. An empath of my caliber, capable of the level of empathy I am, cannot possible suffer a lesser injury. Energetically this is difficult to explain but as a “fuel”, I am far beyond what a common narcissist expects. On the same token, I can injure and my blow can be as sharp as a sword. As he once said:” your tongue is as precise as a whip and your words stab as a sword. You are cold when you want to be.”

      And perhaps because mine was a mid-range, he really withdrew under the injury I caused.

      I am not bragging. I see this level of empathy as a curse rather than a blessing because I tend to attract the smartest, most articulated and most refined narcissists. The lesser narc senses me but quits since I am too “much work” for someone who is looking for instant gratification. I am a test of patience, a hard to reach or understand, and I since detest ignorance, rudeness, not to mention those ridiculous emotional outbursts, they are discarded and ignored on inception.

      Now I know that mid rangers and greater narcissists plague my life like sharks. This is the ground that I stand. So, I feel the injury in my energy level, like a fever swirling in my soul, knotting in my stomach. Such injury, is supposed to be this way due to the nature of the dysfunctional relationship that I have lived with him for 6 years, plus my narcissistic parents and grandparents. I have experienced all types of narcissists. It was not one or two or three or four. It was ALL the relationships I ever had. ALL.

      As a medium, I KNOW that no human can construe a better “revenge” plot than Karma alone and it is an accumulation or our own doing. Karma is neutral and an account of lives, actions that bring about cause and effect rather than wishes for revenge. And for those who state:” I don’t care about Karma”, narcissist or not, they are acquiring a debt of which they don’t know the price they are going to pay.

      So, I feel my senses of caring and decency facing the dark shadows he cast challenging me to bring about his own destruction. There is no loyalty among narcissists. There is loyalty among dark shadows. They feed off him. Yet, I have the control to consider my own decisions and look for the benefit I will get from doing it. I am not impulsive or instinctive. I am controlled and can be quite calculating after all, my life instructors were all narcissists. But I am an empath and by the end of the day, decency prevails. I refuse to violate my nature and become a fallen angel…. a resemblance of him, even though my visceral rage brings water to my mouth when I think about all injuries I could cause to his fragile ego turning it into dust. But yet, it would only continue this ridiculous never end situation of which I grew bored with. I am tired of this and that explains why he is still breathing, as we speak.

      Thank you for your words. I take them to the heart. I will get better as I continue reading and bringing logic to my mind. Right now, I am still sick. I am still cleaning the house… Much love to you.

  3. wounded says:

    I don’t know why this just occurred to me but I think we are going through the grieving stages. Denial, disbelief, anger until we finally reach acceptance which is essentially Zero Impact.

    I was so angry at the narcissist. I hated him for mind fucking me and I spent so much time trying to go back to the person I was before he trampled all over my life. I realize the truest meaning of self esteem is to simply love and appreciate myself for the woman I am today and that the core of who I am hasn’t changed. I am still intelligent, resourceful, strong. I found this blog, figured out what he was and the games he has played, and repaired my marriage.

    I can’t go back in time. But I still have an entire life ahead of me with people who are far more worthy of my love and caring.

    1. Fill me one time says:

      Wounded, so very happy for you! You are a beautiful person and I’m so glad you realized this! That’s the reason you were targeted in the first place! You are what he can never be! Some say they don’t know what they are, but I believe they definitely know what they are not, they know something is missing from inside of them and that beautiful something is what will always make you and the rest of us very special! Good luck to you and bless you my sister, A’ho😘

    2. Fool me one time says:

      Sorry typo! Should of been , Fool me one time

      1. Presque Vu says:

        🤣🤣🤣🤣 that made me laugh fool me one time! Freudian slip!

      2. Tammy says:

        Fool Me One time,
        I love what you wrote.
        I’m working hard to take myself off the emotional sea and step on some dry land.
        This afternoon I burned all the pictures, got rid of items HG warned us to get rid of.
        Then I went to a local store and bought a ten dollar ring to wear on my wedding finger to keep people away who might be looking for their next love, or next victim. I sat down and came up with a rough draft of what I want to accomplish. All though I don’t really know what I’m becoming.

        1. Fool me One Time says:

          Tammy you will get there! Give yourself time! Look how far you have come already! Hitting dry land is extremely hard for people who are very emotional to begin with! Being so very emotional has gotten me into so much trouble in my life! You can do this! Don’t look back! Using logic is still very new to me also. Buckle up those boot straps and keep moving forward. Don’t beat yourself up over this! 🌻

    3. Laura Winsett says:

      Bingo…hit it on a nail…it blows my mind experiences are so similar
      ar.

    4. Mercy says:

      Wounded, I agree about the stages of grief. It’s because we’ve realized the person we cared about doesn’t exist. That person we love is dead.

  4. Presque Vu says:

    “You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do.”

    HG I wish you could feel the intensity.
    Just for one day.
    I keep reading your blog with the hopes that one day I’ll read you’ve changed in ways through your therapy sessions.
    I guess I hope the same for nex.

    I am deluded and an eternal optimist

  5. Tammy says:

    So true. So fucking upset. My ex just tried to Hoover me. Of course under a different name. No more Facebook. I got on it when the blog disappeared looking for HG and everyone. So it’s just one more deletion. He’ll never change. I get it now. I know he can’t, and really, it’s not his fault. It’s how life made him. No more relationships. Maybe ever. The thought of sex or a relationship sickens me. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate what life made him. I almost let myself be sucked into his bullshit, but I didn’t. I deleted the account.
    I admit I’m just pissed at myself. He doesn’t love me, can’t love me. All he knows is to use and abuse. Not anymore for me. Not after the beatings, and other abuse. Now I know. That’s to get away and stay away.
    It makes me want to turn atheist. Seriously. Fuck, I’m so upset. I can’t cry. All I feel is burning anger and numbness. Whatever. I don’t want to be empathic anymore. Maybe I’m not? Maybe I’m just another sick and twisted she’ll of a human being. This is what love is to me. And I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel it anymore.
    I’m just going to take my psych meds and go to bed. Tomorrow is just one more day to get through.
    I have to keep going with therapy. I have to keep going.
    All though really? I just want to say fuck everything. 53 years of nothing but hell.
    Jesus Christ.

    1. MB says:

      Oh no Tammy! You didn’t talk to him did you? I’m so sorry he found you. You did the right thing to delete Facebook. It’s nothing but trouble.

      1. Tammy says:

        MB yes, I totally deleted that shit. Bad on me. He used a different name, but it was him. I could tell it was him by his answers. Not too bright. I’m including myself. It’s over now. It’s Labor day holiday today. No buses running, stuck at home. So I’m going to take it easy and sit in the hot sun and meditate. Have a beer.
        Last night really freaked me out and pissed me off. At both of us.
        Keeping today as light as I can. I have a schizophrenic housemate who’s in the throws of paranoia. Poor dear. My roommate and I have been babysitting, up all night with her sometimes. I’ve been on her case managers add to change her meds. So I pray sooner than later she’ll get her new meds.

        1. MB says:

          Tammy, Did he actually believe you wouldn’t know it was him?

          I’m in the US and celebrating Labor Day too by not laboring. Ha ha. I’ve had a bit too much to drink myself and way too much “bad” food!

          Your roommate is so lucky to have you guys to help her and advocate on her behalf. Schizophrenia is a terrifying disorder.

          1. Tammy says:

            MB! Welcome to the states!
            I know, right? He really believes I’m a moron, lol.
            Or he is so into his disorder that the believes his lies. Anyhow, Facebook is gone and done with. And will be fo a very long time. It’s sad though to feel like I can’t lead a normal life. It’s like my very DNA has changed. Whatever. Just taking it easy.
            It sucks because I can’t listen to music anymore, and the joy in my heart has left. As for therapies, and the aftermath of this bullshit, I wonder a year from now, and so on, who I’ll become?

          2. MB says:

            Tammy, in a year from now and beyond, you’ll be surprised at how little real estate that abusive SOB takes up inside your head. You’re doing great! Look how much progress you’ve already made in such a short time. Keep up the good work.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Tammy
            Good youre off FB. I dont consider that part of normal life just because millions do it, but rather a gateway drug to addiction and fantasy. We should be too busy leading our REAL lives to be a voyeur to the lives of others (most of it artfully arranged lies). Music belongs to everyone, and in time (when he is only a vague memory-like a bad smell) you will enjoy it again. As to who you will be in time? Isnt that exciting? Dont fear it- you get to drive that bus.

    2. K says:

      Tammy
      Sometimes, being an empath can suck donkey balls and I don’t blame you for not wanting to be one.

      Feel your hatred and your anger and accept it, observe it and face it. Eventually it will become more manageable until it is all spent.

      Remember, you are tenacious. Plough through it and don’t stop. In a few months time you will be in a better place.

      1. Tammy says:

        Thanks, K. I hope so.
        Thank you for being here.

      2. K says:

        You are welcome Tammy!

    3. Renarde says:

      Oh lovely, I cannot just ‘read this and run’. I can see that you are in pain. Can I try to entangle this, maybe?

      I know he can’t, and really, it’s not his fault. It’s how life made him.

      Whilst I believe this to be true for both Ns and Es, actually and I think you know, it doesn’t really help the E to think like this. It’s a matter of ‘culpability’. Many years ago, there was a case involving the horrific murder of a two year old boy named James (Jamie) Bulger. The murders were two tenish or so old boys. At the time, there was a very strong argument that the one whom the psychiatrists believed knew he was doing wrong deserved the stronger sentence. Even now, in the UK, this case rumbles on. The fact is and a point in consultation with HG, we have talked about, is the point where a person becomes self-aware.

      Es are EXTREMELY unlikely to get the entire picture but in my own limited experience, they have really quite a few of the pieces but are struggling to fit them into the jigsaw puzzle. They just need the missing answer; fuel. We didn’t really have the time to drill this one down but I believe (and please do correct me if I am wrong HG) is that one cannot be a Greater by very definition unless one is self-aware of one’s own actions. The fact that a Middle is acting ‘in the moment’ is proof of their middleness. For example; considering this scenario.

      There is a juicy steak on a plate. All schools want it. It does not belong to them.

      Ls and Ms will take it. They will approach the theft of the steak in various ways. Which we all know. It is only the Greaters who will look at the steak and go, ‘Yeah, I want it. But what would be the repercussions for me if I was eat it?’. They’ll balance it all up and go, Yes or No. Depending on other factors. This is what leads to the often chaotic moments with the Ls but especially the Ms where instinct defies logic. It is only the Gs who can withstand the temptation. Now, I believe that some of the Ms are dimly aware and maybe back away from the juicy steak. But it’s not an effective, cognitive reasoning process. That is the delineation.

      The thought of sex or a relationship sickens me

      Me too. I think sex is possible but love?, I also think not. And [hugs].

      I don’t want to be empathic anymore.

      Me too. Often. But the fact; we are. It will be OK.

      Tomorrow is just one more day to get through.

      I know. I get this. Count the good days and the bad. I do. Bet you any money that the more time you spend away from this abusive relationship, the better your life will become. Sure, there will be bad days. But more good than bad? You’re winning lovely!

      53 years of nothing but hell.

      Yes. True. I hear you. But it stops now. You have your whole life ahead of you and what a ride it’s been? Most people never really ever truly live, they exist. You have lived. Well done you. x

    4. Larry Beeler says:

      Tammy, god love you, I am right with you emotionally. These people are soo fucked up. I feel lower than low as well. Yet something in me still wants to fight the NARC, that piece of shit that frauded me and lied and cycled me from day one. As a healthcare worker, I truly thought that I was going to help my narc, thought that I was going to fix her. Thought that surely she can’t know that she even consciously even does these behaviors? Yet this time we are into the final discard. She has instituted the silent treatment, hauled me into court, all the tricks right out of the narc play book. I have literally offered this woman my very life, yet it is so much more important for her to control, or attempt to control my emotions and reduce me to quivering in the corner like some little scared ameba. My particular emotions haven’t driven me to angrily hate her very existence as yet.
      I’ve worked through the emotional roller coaster, everything from wanting to commit suicide to giving her my entire estate to try and resolve this relationship, to no avail. I now realize that this is demonic in nature. I personally believe that it’s mental illness in it’s finest hour.
      Let it not eat you alive Tammy, you are in good company out here in narc victim land.

      1. Tammy says:

        Larry Beeper.
        Thank you, and bless you for what you’re dealing with and going through.
        I never realized the scary and intense hatred in my heart, even in my being. I hate what was done. All though I’ve hindered much of my healing by stuffing down the pure hate of people who Intentionally fucked me up. God, I’m so over it. My anger scares me a little. But I realize that was conditioning as well. I wasn’t allowed to be or get angry.
        I can only hope things can get better. They will, but it’s going to take a lot of therapy. Thank God I see my trauma therapist tomorrow. I’m thinking of buying an EMDR machine and doing it myself. Once a week with a therapist is not enough.
        I hope things will get better for you. This isn’t easy.

    5. BrokenRainbow says:

      Tammy
      I also feel like my DNA has changed. I feel like a part of me has died and I am never going to get it back. As far as the music goes, that will come back for you. During the first few weeks of NC, I could not listen to music at all. It has slowly come back to me and I now listen to it everyday again. I still struggle daily but I am finding the more knowledge I gain from HG and everyone here I am getting stronger. Baby steps it seems but I am still moving forward even with baby steps. Take care!

  6. Katy V says:

    What I am about to post may not sound healthy to some. Others may not care since it is not a proven science… or they simply don’t care regardless. And yet others may find themselves wondering.

    Regarding my narcissist, he fails to understand the energy component of his own punishment… energy of which I have mastered as a psychic empath living in the Hell that he created for me. And this is very complex to explain to someone who is not a psychic medium but… for all that this is worth, I have seen, felt, and dealt with his demons. And he has many.

    He owns me, it is true. I don’t deny it. He does own me. But, I own him back because the connection has been solidified. Perhaps I own him ten times more regardless if he feels entitled to his little life. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. He owes me and he is mine until the debt is paid. In fact, I own him so deeply and so intensely as I thought my love once was, that I have reached the depth of his soul, the haunted spots, and I see that little boy, abused, neglected, beaten that he refuses to talk about. I see the beatings in my mind’s eyes. I see him crawling under the furniture to hide from the belt. I see him hungry, scared, and betrayed. I see what he doesn’t want me to know… things that he never talked about. I see what turned him to be what he is. Yet, he is mine. He made me believe I am his. There is no end until I say so. He can rage, scream, break things. He can’t change my mind because death won’t stop me. That much he knows… and dreads. His blue eyes open wide, his pupils dilate when I tell him that death won’t separate us. Death won’t stop me. Sweat covers his forehead and that instability of NOT having control over something that I possibly do is maddening to him. That much he believes. Death will NOT stop me. He should have thought better before messing with me. But, lesser narcissists have poor judgment. They ignore red flags. They miscalculate the dangers. They underestimate people. I am very glad he did so 😉

    I do take ownership of what he is as my cherished prize. My pet. My scared little pet. He is my torturer, isn’t he? We will see that he experiences his own tools, my torments and drinks from the same energy, I will: his. Recycling. I have learned to hold the blades tightly and bleed without pain, until the blades are turned against him. While he thinks ignoring me gives him the upper hand, I can care less one way or the other because I know it would give him pleasure to know that I care. Do I miss him? Absolutely. But my respite relies on the fact that there will be a pay back. Regardless, he is mine and I am not cutting those spiritual ties. So, I move on silently detached from his maneuvers but not disconnecting from him, until I get what I want… and what I want it is NOT him but his pain. I want to taste it as he tasted mine.
    As I do neutralize my energy so he doesn’t sense me, I feel his restlessness facing my silence. I KNOW it runs on the back of his mind. I know it infuriates him. I know he is enraged by my lack of concern and “respect”. I know that he KNOWS that by touching another, he IS betraying me and it will cost HIM a dear price. He is mine. He shouldn’t be doing this. He is bad and useless and will be punished accordingly. While I crave him, I look at him as fast food: I crave it but I won’t have it. Not even once because by doing it, it defeats going to the gym. I don’t need it. But he doesn’t know that, yet. He thinks he will feed on me again and I let he think that way. If he is grooming another victim, better for me because while he is focused on someone else I can plan my escape, and his spiritual torture. My craving is his fuel… to crave my reactions to him. His ego my playground. Time is coming when he will want me back in his bed but he won’t have me because I am purposefully killing any desire I feel for him and while I feel wandering in this dry desert of withdrawal, I don’t want to drink from his poison anymore. Why? Because it doesn’t change and I grew bored of pouring out all this energy for nothing.

    It has been said that even a white rose has a black shadow… The dark side of a wounded empath is very dangerous. We know the price we can pay and we pay it anyways as far as we teach our goal.

    Now maybe, just maybe, common sense and laziness hits my fancy because to do all that I have to dispense a good amount of energy. Is it really worth? Probably not but the thought makes my mouth water! If the “love of my life” happens to be lucky enough, I may let him go, aparently unharmed. But there is Karma and Karma never loses an address, and the more skeptical one regarding spiritual matters, the most arrogant one, it is always the easier target. Leave at that.

    Thank you, HG.

    You are truly brilliant. Your blog and videos have helped me to put perspective to my personal mess. I don’t mind feeding your ego, from a distance that is, since I am benefiting from it. 🙂

    1. Renarde says:

      Well this is strange Katy V. I posted a response to you which is now at the very top of the page and has not replied ‘in train’.

      Probably my mistake but there are many oddities about WordPress which I struggle with.

      The comment in answer in question begins thus,

      <em.This is a very strange post.

      1. merrymagenta says:

        I’m having problems posting to WordPress lately too

    2. Larry Beeler says:

      My gosh I love this Katy V., I wish that I was half as tenacious as you sound. I do know however, that by previous experience, Karma is a bitch and my bitch for as much as I love her, will always rot in her own cockca.

    3. Pixie says:

      If there is no yesterday and tomorrow never arrives, where does karma take place? In the moment. My understanding is from reading, etc., that NPD is hopeless. No meds, therapies, etc. I’m glad I’m an empath, and I must accept the supernova part, the dark side of the lightchasers.

      My ex (probably MR narc) friend is constantly restless, f***s up ALL his relationships, finds ‘the One’ one week and the following week has a new ‘the One’, confused, hasn’t a clue who he is but wants to know so he goes to psychics, past life regressions, smudgings, sweat lodges, churches, makes me tired just thinking about it.

  7. Pale Horse says:

    I can surely relate to the relationship progressing at light speed. Also, I believe that can be one of the problems of the aftermath. After life moving very quickly, in my case for many years, it is at a much slower pace now and I am trying my best to adjust to it.

    1. Pixie says:

      Pale Horse, it does seem like my life has come to a screeching halt, slam on the brakes! too

      The problem I have now post escape is when I’m feeling amorous. Then I think about my ex–no, no, I don’t want to think of him. Since I’m a magnet for narcs, all schools and cadres, when I socialize I cannot dim my bulb. Ya know, my ex succeeded in temporarily dimming my headlights, but after 5 mos. NC, i’m definitely in recovery but . . . .

  8. Jess says:

    Meh. Dammit.

  9. foolme1time says:

    That last paragraph hurt so much to read, simply because it is so very very true! 😪

  10. Christine says:

    The pain is from trying to regain our selfhood after the narcissist caged it. And years afterward, when we’ve had true relationships, whether they ended well or badly or not at all, we wonder what on earth we were thinking. The pain does pass and we do rebuild — never quite the same, but better.

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