The Ties That Bind



One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waiver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allows you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and viscious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

69 thoughts on “The Ties That Bind

  1. Perse says:

    He does speak some french. Russian, as well, since he translated some John Cleese for me (A Fish Called Wanda)……

  2. lisa says:

    I first encountered my ex narcissist in March 2015 and am only now nearly over it , but not quite !! I’m over him but i’m not over realising , i’ve been romantically involved with at least another 3 narcissists although 2 more briefly and realising my stepfather is one . HG has been a lifeline of education on this subject for me and i will continue to follow and read HG, my big challenge now is to not get involved again , so I need HG as a narc radar Always. However i am concerned that if i am an empath of some sort , i am also going to have problems with normals !! Empaths struggle with relationships generally and when they have encountered very bad experiences with narcissists they need to find a way of recovering . I am lucky that i do not have children with a narc and have come out the other side , but realise the damage that has been done, the family dynamic with my stepfather as a narcissist and i believe my mother is codependent and in my opinion an enabler of the narcissist she’s married to , i’ve been a scapegoat for years , i’ve actually cut them off, which is a massive thing for me to do . I am obviously something ha ha . So HG will be my go to narcissist as he’s the best , but i highly recommend you really focus on changing yourself and spend less time trying to think how a narcissist can be fixed and more time fixing ourselves . I’ve got a list of what i’m going to start doing , small steps and the first on my list is HG’s excellent point about just saying no . This is not only what narcissists do , but what normal people do. I’ve always struggled to recognise myself as an empath, i’m understanding things better, i’ve never thought of myself as this nice , door mat type because i’m not . I’m going to switch my narc fixing obsession to fixing myself. I’m very scared i will get caught with by another narcissist , HG really needs to come on all dates with me , but i equally know i’m going to struggle with a normal person as well, because of the way we empaths are , if i’m one , but i think i am

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    My recent ex (dirty doc)…

    He moved so fast and was eager to put me right in his practice and started calling it “our practice”….

    He introduced me to everyone – parading me around…

    He introduced me to his kid EXTREMELY early…

    He pushed me to move to another state – which to be fair I was game about but I wasn’t in as much of a rush as he was. He was actually writing applications for me and of course later threw that in my face.

    He wanted me to move in with him like immediately….

    This was all designed in a way to make me dependent upon him…to make it more difficult to leave. Thank god I never quit my job.

    What’s even creepier is that we discussed that we didn’t want kids (he already had one and I have no intention on having one) and I had a birth control issue at one point and he then made a “joke” something along the lines of….”I’ll make sure to cum in you a few times – I’ll knock you up – that way you can never leave”

    YEAH real joke huh?

    1. Valkyrie says:

      Dr. Q, that is textbook and scary! Glad you didn’t move or quit.

      Some people use pregnancy as a trap to keep you bound to them for life.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I wouldn’t allow that to happen. He clearly was considering that as a last resort…..

        I mean why else would you “joke” about that ?


    2. merrymagenta says:

      Classy guy… what a catch! Hope you kneed him in the balls.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I did something much better…

        I disappeared on him…lol

        1. merrymagenta says:

          You still managed to hit him where it hurts and not risk a charge for battery… I like it!

  4. tigerchelle78 says:

    I have just gone from no contact of 8 months to now emailing with him again.
    The pain, it hurts so bad…..and I’m feeling annoyance with myself too for breaking my no contact regime. I feel a mess.
    This is when I hide away, and just distract myself with Netflix or Showbox…… Currently watching: “Breaking Bad”. Is very entertaining I must say!

    1. abrokenwing says:

      „Breaking bad”is a good distraction. Helped me too.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Better Call Saul is er better.

        1. tigerchelle78 says:

          Its so weird as I’m on second series of Breaking Bad and the very next episode I watched was where you get introduced to this Saul lawyer guy. Its like you knew HG…..

      2. tigerchelle78 says:

        Before that, I watched “a handmaids tale”…. That was excellent, that really had me gripped!

        Why is “Better Call Saul” better HG?

      3. abrokenwing says:

        Haven’t had a chance to see it yet but just finished “Madmen “ so may give it a try.

      4. tigerchelle78 says:

        Yep great distraction that…AND killing massive spiders around the house which thank goodness the cats eat or sees before I do! I hate with a passion spider season…. I’m not kidding!!!!
        I hoovered one up yesterday, but wasn’t sure I had got it, and then sprayed something down the hoover while it was on, just in case it was like hanging on for dear life in the hoover tube and then would crawl out when I wasn’t looking. And then I got my husband to cut open the hoover bag, and search the contents for a rather large dead spider, which eventually he saw. So my anxiety eased.
        But woe and behold, another big spider a while ago…. Was on the run, cat playing with it….. These things gallop I’m telling you….. So I got my boot, and smashed this thing into the carpet, so hard, I think its actually meshed into it…..and then sit there, literally taking deep breaths….. “Its OK, its dead now!!!!”

        1. merrymagenta says:

          Spiders need love too 🕷

          1. tigerchelle78 says:

            I know Merrymagenta, and outside they can have plenty of love as if I see them outside I leave them be. I don’t like killing things. Outside I figure is their territory. But my house is my territory, and therefore no love will be shown or given. There is plenty of room outside for them. If they get cold, then they should learn to knit!

          2. merrymagenta says:

            Haha thanks for that mental pic! With all those legs they’d be able to knit a hat, scarf and matching gloves at the same time and still have a couple spare to terrorise any poor flies ensnared in their web lol. I used to work beside a girl who knitted little ‘ladders’ to hang on the taps so that spiders could climb out of the bath

          3. tigerchelle78 says:

            Knitting ladders for spiders to climb out of the bath ey?! The mind just boggles!!! Wow!

          4. windstorm says:

            The little ladders is a cute idea. I just lean a kitchen or a bath brush when I find one trapped.

          5. windstorm says:

            I agree! My house is a spider refuge. I have a population of the big fishing spiders. Course it’s a real pill when I get bitten by a brown recluse…

        2. MB says:

          Good Lord tigerchelle! How are these spiders getting into your house? WTF is spider season? What kind are they? I don’t like spiders much either.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Most spiders are harmless or at least indifferent to humans and have their purpose. They dont seek you out. Dont you usually find them scurrying away or minding their own business? They dont want YOU. Be empathic and take them outside instead of getting all narcky and squashing them to death just because theyre busy making their homes and ensuring a food supply and not spinning golden webs to ensnare you lol.
            Fuck gay whales and red crested penguins. Save the spiders.

          2. Twilight says:

            Narc Angel that made me laugh. My employees think I am weird because I will pick up a spider in the store and take it outside. It is amusing to see grown men run from a tiny spider in my hand.

          3. MB says:

            Twilight, I could never put one outside with just my hand! You’re brave. I have to get them in a paper towel or a drinking glass. If they were to touch me, I would have a heart attack! They scare me, but they still don’t deserve death.

          4. windstorm says:

            I’m with you there. I usually just let the spiders stay loose in the house or classroom, but it I put them out, I wouldn’t touch them with my hand. I learned the hard way that just because an animal is non-poisonous, doesn’t mean it won’t bite if frightened.

          5. MB says:

            WS, you said something about being bitten by a brown recluse?!?

          6. windstorm says:

            I have been bitten at least twice by a brown recluse. I’m about afraid to go in the little office on the end of my house because it is full of them. I’m very, very careful when I need something from in there. I dread the day I have a massive allergic reaction to one.

            I know not fumigating it is on some level of insanity, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to create a holocaust. I have a really soft spot for spiders and crickets.

          7. Twilight says:


            I don’t handle poisonous spiders I will catch them with something and release them outside unless I have a reason to kill them.

            My son found a wolf spider once, I believe it was a wolf spider in an old stainless steel pan he came in telling me he found a porcupine spider, I was like what did you find? I followed him outside and darn if this spider did look like it had porcupines on it or armor. So I am bending down to get a closer look at this spider and he taps the side of the pan, I swear to god a million tiny little spiders came off this big spider. I fell back on my tail and he is busting a seam. I can say I wasn’t expecting to see that. My child has a twisted sense of humor……

          8. MB says:

            Twilight, I love your porcupine spider story. I would have suffered cardiac arrest! We can laugh now, but at the time, that’s stuff nightmares are made of.

          9. MB says:

            I’ve got nothing against spiders except they are creepy. They can’t help how they were made. I take them outside if I can. I have been known to be naked, about to get in the shower and have to put out a hit. I feel just as guilty, but cannot bring myself to do the actual killing. I’ve also been known to take a shower with the innocuous looking ones while keeping my eye on them.

            I find them very interesting as well. This time of the year, we have red ones that build beautiful webs in the evening, take them down and rebuild the next evening. I call them fall spiders. They are still creepy, but I am in awe of their knowledge of how to build this beautiful web. Who trained her? She was just one of hundreds that sprang from the egg sac and floated to wherever it landed to be completely on its own and learn to survive.

            Fun spider fact: we hosted three different French high school girls for a month each during the summers when I was in high school. Apparently their custom was that it is bad luck to kill a spider in the house before lunch. If one was discovered in the morning, it was taken outside and set free in a most tender and caring manner. After lunchtime, they would be mercilessly smashed and splattered to smithereens! Maybe some of the Europeans on the blog could shed some light on this strange custom.

          10. tigerchelle78 says:

            NarcAngel and Twilight

            Must be my narc traits coming through again
            Now every time I kill a spider, I will think of you and twilight pointing your judgemental fingers…..

            Funny but I didn’t know that killing spiders was on the list of what narcs do, its amazing the things you learn here! Lol!

          11. Twilight says:


            No judgement here how you deal with spiders. Only that you kill the dumber ones and the smart ones are left to reproduce, in turn if they are poisonous they become more adapt to hiding.

          12. tigerchelle78 says:


            We live in the country, and when we and my Hubby’s family moved into this large old farm house, the previous occupants were obviously spider lovers. There were lots and lots of spiders around, so first few years here, every time its Spider season which is usually around September, they tend to be around and most visible in late summer to early autumn. There are not as many here now thank goodness! But still around September the ones that are around will come out of hiding! The spiders you usually see during this time are horny male spiders who are scurrying and looking around for females. They really are just interested in mating. Spiders are probably there all through the year, in peoples houses, but they stay hidden the rest of the time. Which makes me feel horrible too even though i know here they will not hurt. They are mainly harvest and house spiders. Occassionally we may get a wolf spider. They enter the house through various ways, probably throughout the year and just find a nice quiet place to hide…but when the cooler weather starts they want to mate. So essentially spider season runs from late August to early October. I just keep an eye out in September mainly. S for spider and S for September.

      5. abrokenwing says:

        Tigerchelle ,

        Re:” Why is “Better call Saul” better HG?

        Because he chose it !
        Read “ Bitter “ 😉

        1. tigerchelle78 says:


          Yes, just read it! I’m not into jealousy/envy. If people have something better (good for them), or are better at something than me, (which they probably are) or are watching a series that they believe is better, (that’s not a problem). I am happy for them to be better. I have no desire to be the best or better at anything than someone else. We are all just imperfect flesh and blood.

          I honestly could never be in a relationship with someone like that. I think its very shallow personally. But I understand the concept of Narcs having to think the way they do and their insecurities.

          I don’t mind HG telling me if there is a better series to watch. I’ll check it out. I’m always happy to hear suggestions on things.

          Jealousy/envy is very unattractive to me.
          It just shows that intelligence/success and the like does not necessarily equate with maturity, self assurance and satisfaction.

          Its brings to mind the “absent-minded professor” syndrome, they are absolute geniuses in some areas, but that does not apply in every aspect of life, and they are pretty rubbish at other things.

          This kind of thing to me shows why Narcissists/Psychopaths are on the Cluster B spectrum. Their maturity has been severely stunted in its growth. They have not been given enough or any kind of healthy type love, affection and reassurance in their developmental years and therefore as a result struggle with these types of issues.

          My issues with jealousy have been improved a great deal, as I have learnt and had good examples in my life of healthier ways to think and be. Now I see it for what it is and can see how childish it comes across. I still have much to work on regarding myself.

          You cannot fix yourself in the same type of environment you grew up in. We need healthier examples around us especially when we are deficient in these areas. If all who you associate with are jealous/envious type people, then you will be too. That’s just how it works.

          In my opinion, for HG to be healthier, which I don’t think he is wanting to be because he believes and has convinced himself he is perfect already, but if he was wanting to, it would be necessary to change his environment, his friends, and the way he lives regarding fuel. That is not going to happen, therefore he will always have these problems/insecurities within him I feel, and be constantly trying to keep them at bay.

          Facing his own demons, his past trauma, and his own insecurities will be his biggest challenge in life! One I hope he says with a smile “challenge accepted”.

      6. Presque Vu says:

        You cannot kill spiders!!
        Have you not read Charlottes Web?? I had a little spider by the back door, I told him it reminded me of charlotte and I was like Wilbur. I swear I talked to this little spider! He killed it.
        Now big spiders, as I live in the country too.. hell no! I put glasses over them until my son can move them outdoors!
        Why is there so many right now? I saw one the other night that looked like it had a sack full of children!! 😬

        1. windstorm says:

          Presque vu
          She probably did have a sack full of children. Wolf spiders carry their egg sacs along behind them. When the babies hatch out, they ride on the mother’s back for a few days and she protects them until they are strong enough to go out on their own.

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Awesome way to kill a spider if you’re insanely phobic like I am ….

        Those sticky lint rollers…

        Smash that sucker and roll it…

        That way it doesn’t fall on you while you attempt to grab it….

        Yeahhhh I don’t do well with insects or arachnids – anything with more than four legs I’m running from.

        I don’t run… the only time you will see me literally like run for my life is if there is a wasp or a bee near me. You would think I’m track star because I freak out lol. I went so far as to tell people I was allergic to bees because there was one in a meeting I was in years ago and it kept flying Near me and I was about to freakkkkkkk.

      8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Also random question people lmao…

        Have the stink bugs come out by you yet? Lmao

        I swear I almost had a heart attack the other night because I heard buzzing a damn stink bug started flying around…

  5. flutterbymorpho says:

    Feel like I’ve been ripped off now.. the golden period wasn’t that good..there are no bonds as such.. but at least when I can get rid of the lazy good for nothing, uninteresting, uneducated, waste of space , drama creating, lying, parasite I will not miss a thing! Just hoping life turns out ok so I don’t have to even hate the vile excuse of a man for the rest of it and be so angry at myself for being so stupid and generous to the ugly arsewipe. He was never worth any of it and never will be. All that he has been given was throwing pearls at swine…

  6. Presque Vu says:

    Your last paragraph sums it up. For me anyway.
    But I think I’m getting there now 🙂 I’m visiting here less and less.
    He’s no longer my first or last thought and I’ve got rid of stuff!
    I’m feeling good and I’ve got that Friday feeling 😀

    1. Orginal Overthinker says:

      Hoping this is me soon … I can’t over the mistreatment and horror… I just loved him … I’m upset and he is in another relationship Golden Period time. No concern or thought about me.

      1. MB says:

        OO, I recommend you read HGs book ‘Exorcism’ if you have not already. I think you will find it helpful. A consultation with him, email or Skype would be awesome to layer on with your reading as well. All my best!

  7. Valkyrie says:

    I am on my 3rd narc relationship. Now that I realize what the relationships were, I hope to avoid the pain ever again.

    It took me years to get over each one. I also felt pain getting over “normal” men. I became emotionally attached to normals as well, but narcs just seem to take longer to get over.

    That being said, looking back on my previous narc relationships, I feel no connection. It is gone. In retrospect, I can see the mistreatment and I felt it in my gut at the time. I only wished I had closed the door on their faces in the beginning at the sign of the initial infractions.

    Now what I am left with is enormous relief that I am no longer with them. That I don’t have to wonder how they feel about me or why they are being so cold. I don’t have to keep wondering if I am enough. I don’t have to lay in my bed wondering why they weren’t there when I needed them. I don’t have to wonder why when I am at my most sad, they sit there blankly as if my pain is invisible and they have nothing to say or any comfort to give. I don’t have to bang on the bedroom door asking to be held and not understanding why this kindness is withheld. I don’t have to cry alone wondering why I feel like a defective, weak, annoying burden. I don’t have to face the icy stare wondering if they feel anything f*ing thing at all besides their own discomfort and internal leveraging.

    I just feel sorry for the next women and all the pain and sadness they will go through.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      What you wrote really resonated with me. I’m sorry you went through all of that. There is honestly a sense of freedom and relief when you leave. Sometimes you don’t feel it immediately but once the initial panic, shock and pain start to fade a little bit you feel that weight lifted off you of you. I remember finally being able to watch the tv shows I wanted to watch without having to hear my ex boyfriends nasty commentary (even though he was in another room and my show didn’t event impact him). Those little things really hit you…like shit I can watch a tv show or eat something I want to without someone being on my ass about the most ridiculous things. Everything was a fight. They all had something to say about anything and everything. Every interaction consisted of them attacking something about me – a thought – a feeling – a look – anything or it would involve cold detached behavior – it was if i wasn’t even there.

      My psychologist friends pointed something out to me that i found interesting and i didn’t consciously realize what i was doing at the time…but in the most recent relationship i ended – i started to feel like i wasn’t there and i wasn’t getting enough attention – I started posting more on social media – more like selfies and what not …- my friends said to me i could tell something was up because you were posting more selfies …..

      I didn’t even realize what I was doing…but I now look at it and go omg …I was feeling like i wasn’t getting any attention and felt more and more alone so i started reaching out for attention in other ways

      1. Valkyrie says:

        Thank you Dr. Q. Narcissists like to ding our self esteem so we become dependent upon them for feeling good. For what I kbow of psych, intermittent rewards are the most effective and narcs use that to their full advantage (trauma bounding).

        I am like you too in that I need a lot of attention. I guess that is why I didn’t find the over the top attention of the golden period as scary as I should have.

        I like the obsessive type behavior (as long as it is not abusive) and I have am obsessive type personality. I give a lot of attention too.

        I had to step away when the behavior was disrespectful.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Sadly, it seems like the only people who can give me the proper attention are disordered lol. I do like the obsessiveness as well. When you’re attracted to someone or into someone constantly texting and calling and wanting to be with the person doesn’t creep you out. When you aren’t that attracted to someone or that into them that’s when you’re like whoaaa this dude it’s nutssssss lmao.

        It’s on creepy if I don’t want you 😂🤪

        The thing is that I begin to feel more and more alone. I’ll want depth to conversations and intellectual stimulation and feel like I’m there all by myself because the truth is…. I always had been. What’s the point in being in a relationship where you aren’t getting what you need anymore? What’s the point of being with someone when you are losing more than you are gaining because you are getting abused? I’ve reached a point where I don’t bother anymore. I can’t afford to care. They are an emotional wasteland and I’d rather be alone by myself than alone with someone who fucks me over.

        All I have in the end is myself… we all die alone anyway (dark but true)…

        I have realized more than ever in the last two years I don’t need a man or a relationship. I don’t feel so moved by anyone that I can’t walk away – not anymore. I’m so tired of wasting my time on bullshit one-way relationships. There is no point. I don’t need to be chained to some parasite. I want someone to share things with and a companion sometimes but I can easily be alone when in my younger years I was a serial monogamist.

        I could never put myself through any of this shit again. I have such a short fuse and low tolerance for most bullshit. Once shit starts going bad… I’m out.

        I felt so paralyzed that last night I spent with my most recent ex (the dirty doc) it was as if my other ex (I like big dicks guy) ripped off his dirty doc mask and was like “surprise it was me I like big dicks guy all along – got ya!”

        The whole reason I was into the dirty doc was because he seemed so supportive of me and worshipped me and did everything for me but as time went on more and more little things would start popping up and I would file them away in my mental filing cabinet. As I was flinging my shit into one of my suitcases at 1am (the night before I left) I remember just sobbing thinking “why did I have to be right? Why didn’t I just listen to myself and all the signs? Why couldn’t I be wrong?” I wanted to be wrong so bad. I wanted it to just be that he was a substance abuser and what not. I wanted it to be the ADHD. I wanted it to be anything other than what was always lurking in the back of my mind. He just stared at me confused and was like “what are you doing?” I was like “what the fuck do you think I’m doing? I’m leaving.” He said something like “at 1am? Don’t go – I don’t want you to drive over an hour upset – stay.” I said not thinking at all “Don’t worry it will be as if I never existed.” The only thing that stopped me was his kid outside the room and how that kid would see me leaving with my shit sobbing after we told him I was moving in. I just stared down and like just started crying in a pile of clothes saying out loud “ I feel fucking ridiculous” and he said “why? Because you believed?” That was when he like grabbed me and started like holding me as I like cried in some pathetic little ball and somehow some way his dick was hard (of course as I’m crying). It’s weird because it’s all a bit of a blur because to be honest with you I was so sleep deprived (days and just hysterical) but all of a sudden he’s kissing me then he’s fingering me and then we are fucking. I think I slept about an hour that night and when I tried to leave the next day as I was crying something similar happened… his dick was hard. He said some bullshit about not wanting to cause me any pain and all of a sudden he’s licking my pussy (sorry to get graphic people) and then boom we are fucking. He tried to get me to stay in indirect ways like oh you don’t have to go – oh you will hit traffic – oh why don’t you take a shower – oh you should take a nap cause I almost got into a car accident before cause I’m so sleep deprived too and I don’t want you to hurt yourself…

        That day …. in the afternoon I spoke to HG…threw my suitcases in my trunk and left under the guise I was signing paperwork and had to get other clothes to bring to his place. I made him think we were gonna be okay and kissed him goodbye. I never came back and I blocked him and did what I said I was going to – disappear – at the time during that fight I wasn’t thinking it all flew out of my mouth but how perfect.

        My point is … I could never do it again. The second shit hit the fan I was out about three days later.

  8. wounded says:

    One of the reoccurring thoughts I keep having is this: if narcissism and empathy exist on a spectrum than I imagine so do the manipulations/reception as well.

    One of the most misleading concepts is love bombing. When reading about narcissism I imagine quite a few people recognize that this did not happen to them on the scale that is usually written about possibly leading people to think that they were not love bombed and therefore did not engage with a narcissist. Ditto for devaluation.

    However depending on A) the type of narcissist and b)where a person is in the fuel matrix these manipulations exist on a spectrum.

    Since narcissists prefer to conserve energy whereas empaths will extend it this all exists on a very personal degree .

    For example:
    An upper mid-ranger preys upon a geyser co dependent. The co dependent is already attracted to the UMR and the UMR has sized up his victim as a spectacular source of fuel but one that does not fit into his facade. Therefore minimal effort is required in terms of seduction but reception of minimal seduction proves the narcissist correct.

    Example 2:
    A UMR has targeted a Magnet Super Empath. The MSE is a married target. The MSE is wary and cautious. Also an excellent source of fuel and good for the facade, yet requires careful handling the seduction is extensive and subtle as to not provoke the MSE awareness causing the MSE to put his/her guard down and being more initially reticent during seduction again proving the narcissist correct.

    Ok, HG, please nitpick my thought process. Hopefully I was clear and concise.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Accurate observations.

      1. wounded says:

        Thank you.

  9. says:

    HG, which of your Empath categories is a codependent please ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Err a codependent.

      1. lisa says:

        Ha Ha 😂 I can’t find one that says that , i’ve only seen the different type of Empaths

    2. Perse says:

      Hi Lisa,

      A codependent is a category of Empath.

      You may want to read HG’s book: Chained: The Narcissist’s Codependent

      Or you could use the search bar, and enter codependent for the articles, but the book Chained gives a lot of detail in one place.

      1. lisa says:

        Peres, thank you very much

      2. lisa says:

        i’ve searched codependent a few times and one of the letters to narcissist just keeps coming up , so can’t find it . Will get the book chained , thank you .

  10. WriteItOut says:

    I’m kind of curious why a narcissist would try this with someone who’s married. There’s so much opportunity for wounding and there’s an uncontrolled variable, the target’s spouse.

    I imagine that it’s just the challenge of seeing if you can lure the object of your desire away from a spouse? I know why any woman would desire my husband but that was a huge gamble that the narcissist lost. She’s taken that gamble numerous times, my husband was far from the first married man she decided was “the one”.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see The Married Target.

    2. tigerchelle78 says:


      I agree, I would think it would be very tricky, and dangerous, and challenging. Surely there is easier targets to go for. But they don’t want easy. They want to feel challenged, and the more dangerous the better for some of them. It makes them feel more alive. Gives them more fuel.
      Because they can’t have you and you are not available. Its like telling someone you can’t do that, and they say: “wanna bet?”
      Narcs think they can have anyone. They think they can seduce anyone. They can’t.

  11. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    I don’t understand how this could have happened. It seems that I missed out on the idealisation stage because it certainly wasn’t as great as you describe. Still, I felt tied to him, because I felt sorry for him. Everyone had abandoned him and I had sworn to him that I would never do that. In the end I broke my promise. Since he never kept his word, I thought it would be ok to do the same.

  12. MB says:

    I love to hear you say “accoutrements” HG.
    Can you speak French? Or are you just a Latin kind of guy?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Oui, bien sur.

    2. K says:

      Do you want him to speak French? Because he will and he will even become a vegan too.

      1. MB says:

        Of course K, but I would much prefer to know the real him. (Keeping relative control of the mean bits, though!)

        1. K says:

          If I remember correctly, he does not speak French.

          1. MB says:

            That’s ok, he can say anything in any language and I melt. But French always sounds so effing sexy. I bet he knows some choice phrases of “the language of love”. He wouldn’t be worth his Narc salt if he didn’t!

          2. K says:

            Oh, I am sure he knows MANY choice phrases of “the language of love”.
            He isn’t some half-assed narc after all.

          3. MB says:

            You are correct K. He is full-assed narc!

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