Never Again
I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.
17 thoughts on “Never Again”
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HG, re your reply on 10 October at 16.36
“The comment itself has no bearing on a future hoover, but your response to the comment will have a bearing in the future.”
I got my hoover last night, though I caused it by going to his house unannounced. I know this is completely against your advice but I felt I needed to tell him how his treatment of me had made me feel so that I can try to move forward.
At first he was guarded and stony faced, barely responding to me. But as soon as I offered an apology for unceremoniously dumping his gifts to me on his driveway, he switched to being very charming and engaging. I even got a (faux) apology in return.
I realise it was a risky strategy and I could have ended up on the receiving end of a malign hoover, however I feel that this is the closest to closure I am likely to get from him. Listening to him talk last night made me realise this man will never change.
I have now blocked and deleted and am reading Exorcism. Are there any of your other books or articles that you would recommend to help me? Thank you
HG, “…when we say ‘Never Again’ we most definitely mean it….” All of your statements following this certainly ring true for me. However my ex (a middle greater elite) also said he never comes back. You say that the narcissist will always look to hoover given the criteria are met, so do you think he actually meant it when he said he never comes back, or was that just another manipulation tactic? And if so, then what is the reason for saying it?
It was meant at the time for the purpose of upsetting you and drawing fuel.
“It was meant at the time for the purpose of upsetting you and drawing fuel”.
It worked.
Thanks as ever for your insight HG.
This has been keeping me stuck. Because although I have read countless times that a hoover at some point is likely, the fact that he told me he never comes back has been making me question whether he will or not.
So it was purely said for the purpling gaining negative fuel and presumably has no impact on the likelihood of a future hoover attempt?
Yes. The comment itself has no bearing on a future hoover, but your response to the comment will have a bearing in the future.
HG – re my reply at 14.29. There’s a typo thanks to the wonders of autocorrect! Where it reads “purpling” it should say “purposes of”. Is it possible to amend this? Thank you
I must say, this may be true at first. For many of us, there is a finality in the never again. I have seen many people go on to love and trust and prosper after their narc. There is a time limit on the narcs effect, yes your last paragraph rings true to an extent. However, never is a very strong word, and many of us love again, trust again, aren’t affected by songs, places, smells any longer. Eventually the spell is broken, it is not infinite. So never again is true….. UNTIL, just like your kind, it is healed and FINAL. Those that know, get out, stay out.
This is the final conclusion we come up with when we are done and healed. Never again do we have to wish ill upon you, your life is a living testament of how ill you are. Never again, do we have to feel jealous because we know there was nothing you have to offer to be jealous of. Never again do we waste tears on you, Because we remember you can’t grieve something that never existed. Never again, would we entertain the thought of having you back, but we do feel bad for the new supply going to slaughter. It’s not because we want you back, but the cruelty we know you’ll inflict. Your kind are like rapist, You take the heart mind and soul. But make no mistake about it, a rape victim would never tell their perpetrator to come back and do it again. So for those who do heal and move on, this article serves no purpose and is now untrue.
Thanks for your insight, even if you underestimate the strength of the empathy at times.
HG
Indeed.
However, it sometimes takes walking through the Never Again scenario a couple of times and then never again becomes truly and actually never again.
Generally speaking anyway.
And also now with this new found knowledge that we all have from here.
We cannot unknow what we now know.
Lol.
I am glad that I knew myself enough even so that when I said to whoever it was “you don’t know what you’ve done do you?” Because that is what I said.
And what I meant was something has turned inside and I expressed this, that I will not be the same.. I will not feel the same way about you now.
It has been ruined and there is no going back… this is what I said in my life… This was after saying never again and going back and learning that it was just never worth it…. at least Id learnt that much before I found this work.
Because at least I knew I didn’t want to feel so bad when things turned. I always know it’s best to leave…
And have stayed away but I would have never known things if I hadn’t found this work. I would still have been wondering and questioning within my mind about why this was that way or why it was the other way…
All I knew was I wasn’t taking that anymore.
And I would have gone through a personal Hell by myself even if just out of pure stubbornness.
Because I’m sorry if somebody puts my back up against the wall then I’m not going to give in ..no way in hell.
I didn’t.
I haven’t.
I won’t.
When my mind is made up there is no way back. It is just the nature of me.
When I feel that inevitability it’s like watching an Avalanche.. knowing it can’t be stopped..when certain things have reached a point and they have gone too far it’s sets off a chain reaction and I am thankful that it does, because it has saved me and propelled me out.
But as I stated I wouldn’t have been able to work certain things out …I had so many unanswered questions from the past as well as recent times and there would have always been the unanswered questions.
But now I know.
Oh yes. This rings true for me. I actually stopped saying never again. I knew I would return to him and he did as well. I could not stay away even when I did escape. I missed the affection, being in his arms, his beautiful silky smooth hair, his kisses, his body (oh his body) and of course I missed the incredibly love-making. I was hooked and I still am. However the addiction is fading bit by bit. The tears are different now and the deep longing in my soul is slowly healing. I try not to think about the women in his life. I am now aware there were probably many women around him but I never had to see one. I wonder if he lives with someone but I am not jealous. If anything I feel sorry for her because she will go through the same abuse I experienced. I also know that if a successful hoover happens it will be hard to resist (if I am in Emotion Mind). I am NC though and he does not know my phone number or where I live.
“I am so done.”
“I’m moving on.”
“We are over.”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Yeah, I got to the point were I was even embarrassed to utter these phrases to my friends again confirming my relationship was over. 😒
I am just hopeful this time will stick and am being more vigilant. I will try my best not to let my guard down. I am not so foolish as to think I am not susceptible.
However, I did contact the other women to help them and myself. I wanted the truth for them and me. I didn’t want them to go through the pain I went through. Hearing lies, thinking they has found someone who truly loved, respected and valued them. I told them both he was a narcissist and showed them articles. That way they could learn and grow like I did and not keep hanging their hopes on a lie, an illusion, false promises and fake fidelity.
I did it to spare them pain and help them live their lives with someone who would respect and appreciate them. I don’t want any woman to be abused and mistreated.
Did I wonder if he had real feelings for any of us? You bet. Did I wonder if one of us was real and the others were a game? You bet. But no woman should be treated the way we were treated. Do I want a man/partner like that? No.
These women are beautiful and caring and amazing. I am glad we are all rid of the abuse and him. I pray none of us go back.
I am not jealous of them. I feel bad for all of us and what we went through. I feel very humbled and grateful to have been able to share what I have learned. I appreciate HG and others who spend time educating people and helping them recover.
Never say never. Just GOSO.
For clarity, it was very hard not to want the NX back even after I found out about the others. I think you are on to something there. I felt inadequate. I wondered why I wasn’t enough. I felt rejected. I rationalized that because he and I had so much in sync that we were meant to be.
I was not mad at the other women at all. My hurt and anger were a result of his behavior, the lying and cheating. The other women and I did not know it was going on.
After I found out, I wanted to know why. Why did he hurt me? Why did he cheat? Why did he want someone else? Why wasn’t I enough? Truth be told, it was not about me or the other women. They were all great. Cheating is a reflection of the cheater’s character, not the victim.
So even though I was not mad at the other women, I did want him back. It was and is an addiction. Not wanting to betray the other women by going back to him and also understanding that he is a man who mistreats women helps he stay away from him.
I try very hard to remember that it is not me he is interested in, but my fuel.
The Golden Period is bright, but it is fool’s gold. I have to focus on what is real. I have to remember the abuse. I have had a tendency in the past to lament on the good and ignore the bad.
In college, when a guy was being a jerk or manipulative to me, I would say, “But look, he did *insert one nice thing he did*”.
My roommate in college put it best in reaction to me saying that…”Yeah Valk, I’m sure Hitler gave his girlfriend flowers every once in a while.”
That phrase still sticks with me haha.
HG
There’s been a lot of frenzy over you at different times on this blog. Triangulation, jealously, accusations, and more. You’re a narcissist, no reason for us not to think you’d burst those fantasies in real life by devaluing any of us like we’re nothing but an appliance. We’re here to learn not to get tangled up or be attracted to you and your kind anymore. Maybe we should call you Professor, as someone said, because that’s what you are. Please advise.
HG, Sir or god are all acceptable forms of address, Kelly.
Haha, I kind of like Sir because it’s easier to key than HG.
Totally and unequivocally true.