The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 5

PERHAPSIF YOUTRIED TO BEMOREUNDERSTANDING

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

“Perhaps if you tried to be more understanding.”

You are at your wit’s end. You are in devaluation at the hands and tongue of one of our kind. Nothing makes sense. You are told that we love you on Saturday and then on Sunday you are berated as a whore and you have no comprehension as to why. You are lambasted repeatedly through the imposition of name-calling, physical violence, triangulation, unfavourable comparisons, silent treatments and more. You may hear sentences such as:-

“I am sick of you trying to make me look bad.”

“Why will you never just do what I want to do? Why does it always have to be about you?”

“Stop talking over me. I can never make myself heard around you.”

“If you loved me, you would do it.”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Why won’t you be more supportive?”

“You never help me anymore.”

There are thousands of similar comments and the worst of it makes no sense. Let’s return to each of these comments and accusations and beneath them detail what you have been actually doing and therefore this is why your confusion has arisen.

“I am sick of you trying to make me look bad.”

You do not recall ever having said anything bad about us, on the contrary you are also telling us how brilliant we are and you say this about us to other people. You never speak beyond the home about our horrible behaviours.

“Why will you never just do what I want to do? Why does it always have to be about you?”

You always do what we want. You cannot recall the last time you chose what we did or even did something on your own which you wanted to do. In fact, you find yourself always pandering to what we want.

“Stop talking over me. I can never make myself heard around you.”

You do not do this or if you have once in a while it is only because you are trying to make yourself heard as we keep ignoring you.

“If you loved me, you would do it.”

You do love us. You tell us this every day.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

You give us time and space to do our own things but then we complain that you do not spend enough time with us.

“Why won’t you be more supportive?”

You are always looking out for us, looking after us and caring for us.

“You never help me anymore.”

You feel like an indentured servant.

The reality of what you experience does not accord at all with what we are describing but you just cannot understand why we are saying these things. Your head is spinning, you know we are not stupid but each time you try to show us that you do help us out, that you are supportive and so forth, you are accused of provoking an argument, of trying to control us or making us look bad. You try to explain, appease and apologise but it just seems to lead to more arguments or us storming off and disappearing. You are at your wit’s end.

You finally discuss this perplexing situation to someone else and they offer the advice that perhaps you just need to be more understanding. You feel like already are very understanding, but as an empathic person you are not only committed to making this relationship work, you are also willing to try more, try harder and try, try and try. Your advisor has explained that it might be that we struggle to convey how we really feel, that our words are not exactly what we are feeling and that it is a case of giving us time to express ourselves and by being more understanding we will finally understand what it is that is causing the problem. This makes sense to you because you are an understanding person and because you have not been able to understand so far, then why not try some more and perhaps you will make the breakthrough. It finally adds up and of course, desperate to make sense of this bewildering situation you are willing to try.

It will not work.

You are attempting to understand something which you cannot understand because you and your advisor have not grasped who it is you are dealing with. One of our kind. This means that you do not realise that we approach the world from the Narcissistic Perspective, using Toxic Logic. This makes perfect sense to us, but is perplexing to you. You cannot equate our behaviours to what you see and hear in front of us but neither will you, because you do not know what we are.

You do not realise that we must draw fuel. You do not realise that we must maintain the upper hand at all times. You do not realise that narcissistic criticism wounds us. You are unaware of the three types of interaction as described in Fuel, Fight or Flight. Since you do not realise that these are the pertinent considerations you do not grasp that when we perceive you as not paying us attention, our fury is ignited and we lash out by claiming that you do not support us.

You do not understand that we ignore the fact that you are supportive because in that moment we need fuel and if this means being contradictory and hypocritical, then so be it. You do not realise that we compartmentalise so that what happened yesterday is separate, distinct and not linked to what is happening now. You look for consistency, evidence supporting the proposition or rejecting our allegation. We do not look at it in this way and the more you try to understand and in turn the more you try to get us to understand, the more you fail to get anywhere.

You will keep applying your logic. You will keep thinking we must surely see what you are referring to. You will expect us to approach the situation from your perspective and this is completely wrong.

Once you understand our perspective, flawed and fucked-up as it may appear, you make a massive breakthrough. Suddenly you realise why we flare up over (apparently) nothing. Now you understand why we change our stance in the blink of an eye. Now you make sense of our (apparently) disproportionate response. You still think it is bizarre, ridiculous and astonishing but now you get it and the relief is incredible.

Unfortunately for you, you listened to the wrong advisor who does not know what we are and does not understand us. Instead, they suggest you try to be more understanding and you may as well flog a dead horse for all their mis-guided advice will achieve for you.

 

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3 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 5”

  1. HG, I have a question related to this addiction / abstinence crisis us empaths experience once we go NC with your kind. Is it the same with you or a simple appliance replacement does the trick with fuel crisis? To be more specific, our addiction is related to you and you alone, so we cannot overcome it just by finding somebody else, in fact it takes a lot of time to be able to do that again. But if I get the fuel concept well, once we escape you may feel that abstinence crisis only if you lack of appliances in that particular moment, but once you do find them the feeling is gone? Nothing to do with missing US, even on “our fuel” level? We are longing you, and you are longing fuel, so the crisis is gone as soon as a another appliance provides it? You will never again feel the abstinence crisis for our fuel, and ours alone?
    Thanks for your answer!

    1. You miss us. We miss the fuel and therefore we turn to a different appliance (or try to get you back) dependent on the ease of hoovering.

  2. This is not about a relationship or friendship with a narc, but the effects of having had one too many of them in my past; And about fears of the future out of pain from the past …. so to speak.

    Could someone explain to me again the difference or balance between: letting go of the past, forgiving someone; being in the present, not acting out of fear of what might happen in the future with someone … Accepting someone for what they are and forgive them (small) hurtful actions …. — And at the same time keeping boundaries for oneself?

    Like … there are small actions by other people which are hurtful but where on the other hand I think, I should let it go, because the relationship is more important. And/or because I think the other person didn’t do it to hurt me, and has their own problems and fears. Or I might become scared and act aggressively, because I think, things might go in the future as they did in the past, that I will get hurt. And then realize that and again, try to stay at the moment with the other person and forgive them behaviour which might indicate potential hurt in the future.

    I still haven’t learned a healthy balance, I sometimes shut down immediately, vehemently, and at other times still tend to give and give and be soooo toooo nice, while not getting much in return, or getting hurtful behaviour in return. But it is still confusing not to mix it up, with hurts of the past.

    Something inside me sometimes screams at the very first, smallest indicator, that things MIGHT potentially go into the direction of how it was in the past with the narc, a deafening “noooooooo”!!!! … I think I sometimes overreact quite a bit … and can be pretty aggressive.
    And then again, I let some people go on for months showing inattentive, disrespectful and even downputting behaviour. More again out of the other extreme, out of a strong hope that things might be different in the future.
    I also seem (yeah, very classical psychoanalysis stuff ….) not to be able to just let go of some situations, because I want to kind of force them to turn out to be different this time.

    How do you find the balance, or how do you decide, when you really should draw a line, and even decide not to see someone you really like (not necessarily a narc, just a more or less normal person), because they don’t make you feel secure enough, or loved enough, or respected enough, etc. ….??

    I think I am destroying a lot of good in my life because of the past experiences with narcs, and an immediate stealth mode, on the other hand, I still do let some people behave rather badly for months, before I realize. I also might feel hurt while the other person is simply tending to their own life, about things that have nothing to do with me really.

    I also try to watch, how normal people deal with all of this, and some seem to tend to not make any compromises and all and not even listen to apologies; … others again are very relaxed and extremely tolerant towards others while they don’t seem much affected.

    And how do you tell if a normal guy is being normal and respectful by not bombarding one with love messages as some narcs would, and by taking his time, or if he is negligent.

    Still a lot of long term effects of having always had narcs in my life to deal with ….

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