Do We Ever Listen?
You may not think it but we do actually listen to you. I appreciate that may seem odd because you think the way we act means we cannot possibly be listening to you. We take no notice of what you say because we still go ahead and do the same things that we have done before. We keep repeating a comment as if we have never heard your answer the first time around. You remind us about the time we are meeting and we turn up late or not at all. You could be forgiven for thinking that we are very poor listeners. The reality is that we are very good listeners. The difference is that we choose to hear differently.
When you are shouting at us, advancing your argument in a forceful manner we will be responding to what you are saying, usually with denial and deflection. We are not interested in what you are saying, we are concerned with hearing your feelings. We want to hear the strangulated and seething anger that manifests in your words because then we know (along with seeing your contorted and reddened face) that you have reacted to our provocation and accordingly you are providing us with fuel. If you are hurling insults at us, calling us names and berating our dress sense, weight and intelligence we are not wounded by these criticisms because the fact you are spitting with venom, shouting them in a rage or shrieking with delight as you insult us means you are providing the emotion that equates to fuel. The harsh names just dissipate because we are not hearing them. We are hearing the emotion of what is being said, that is what matters. You can devise the most original insult the world has ever know but if you throw it at us with emotion then all we hear is your emotional reaction. Have you often wondered why we are smiling when you are arguing with us? It is because you are giving us what we want; fuel. Oh and also because we know that smiling at you will infuriate you all the more.
We listen to you with considerable attention during the initial stages of the seduction. We ensure that every snippet of information, every morsel of knowledge that will assist us in seducing you and binding you tight to us is heard and absorbed, filed away in readiness for use at the appropriate time. Each time you reveal to us a new restaurant you have found or a new play that has just opened which you like we take notice. When you tell us about your friends we listen in anticipation of bringing them under our spell also. When we listen at this juncture you think we are attentive and interested in you. Indeed, we are and your reaction to this is to praise us, thus providing us with fuel, and to feel attracted to us, thus binding you to us. Our interest however is not as you would normally perceive because our interest is borne out of the use we can make of what you tell us, in order to further our own agenda.
We also listen to you to understand how our behaviours affect you. We listen to the praise and delight you gush forth and we note what we did that caused this. When we subject you to devaluation we soak up the fuel you pour towards us but we also listen to how it is affecting you. You tell us about how it hurts, how you cannot sleep, how you feel anxious, how you feel sick, how you are frightened, how you do not understand. We do not care how you feel but we are most interested in you telling us this. This forms feedback based on our various manipulations. As we gather the fuel from your tearful pleading we also ascertain how what we have said has had an effect on you. We listen to you explaining to us how you feel because we do not feel it ourselves. We need to learn from you in this respect. We need to learn so we can mimic is when the need arises. We need to learn that if somebody feels a sense of loss then they will cry. Accordingly, if we anticipate losing you then an appropriate reaction would be to cry. We have learned from what you have shown us and what you have told us. See, I told you that we pay attention to you. We also listen so we know just how effective our manipulation has been. Is what you are telling us explaining a minor degree of hurt and sadness or is it more substantial? We do not know ourselves because we do not feel sadness ourselves. That redundant emotion was either stripped from us or never allowed to develop in the first place. Accordingly, in order to understand what makes someone sad, a little bit sad or devastatingly sad we have to observe your responses and listen to what you are saying. We do not stand and listen because we are concerned and because we want to find a solution to your state of sadness. That serves no purpose to us at all. What we are doing is listening to the detail of your misery so we can replicate it. We can replicate both in terms of pretending we feel miserable when the occasion suits us and we also replicate it to make someone miserable for the purposes of control and the gathering of fuel.
It is through listening that we hone our manipulative skills. It is through listening that we learn all about you, what you like and what you dislike, what your hopes are and what vulnerabilities you have that we can exploit. Through listening we understand how you feel so we can mimic this. It is through listening that we are able to comprehend how you are affected by what we do. Yes, we spend a lot of time talking, telling the world about how brilliant we are and this is of course the way of what we are but you would be surprised at just how much we listen. Just because we may not be listening based on what youdeem to be important is does not mean we are not listening at all. Far from it.
Accordingly, next time you plead that we listen to you for once or that you beg us to “listen to what I am saying” you will find that we are and you will come to regret it.
62 thoughts on “Do We Ever Listen?”
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Before I knew about Ns, I knew that my constantly-emotionally-blackmailing-&-triangulating-spiteful sister wouldn’t listen to me, as much as she was doing surveillance. She wouldn’t participate in, but would monitor, conversations.
It was creepy and weird, and whatever was said would be used against me in the future, even if it was so twisted beyond its original state. Perhaps one sentence in twenty might be what I actually said, but it was ripped away from its context, so the meaning was deliberately obscured.
Somehow I was expected to apologise for it, and all the drama. Ugh!
If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, please know that it’s not your fault that it keeps happening. Trying to have a relationship with a covert/victim-N is like being pulled into a meat grinder.
Amazing write-up!!
Sir, Listen to this
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they’re still gaslighting 😁
There are so many narcissists in the world now, we’re starting to joke about them. 1 in 16 people in the US? We’re in the narc generation.
By the way, HG, do you type with all your fingers or do you peck with mostly your index?
I use all of my fingers when I type.
That was my test question for your age range. But then again, drats, someone said you play the piano, hmm.
Mr. Tudor,
Awe, you use all of your fingers to type? This is so cute! I could just screeeeeam! I wish I could squeeze your face and frump up your hair… without you killing me. I bet you are sooo cute! 🐻
I am not cute.
Oh… I wish I could understand, then, why I get such an impression!
Perhaps I am transferring my thoughts of others onto you. I am not sure why I thought this.
I am trying to figure it out. I wish I could understand myself better.
I often get the idea that everybody is so cute and sweet, except for when they are not.
I wonder where I got such an idea? I felt so sure of it!
Thank you, HG, for letting me know. You are helping me to understand, again! This is kind of you! You are helping me so much.
And, you sound so cute, too… your voice with the proper accent!
I am confused…
I don’t envision HG as cute or having that “pretty boy” Hollywood look. I imagine him ruggedly handsome and probably having some of that salt and pepper distinguished look that would be age appropriate. I think he is the kind that exudes such confidence and swag when he walks in a room, it is impossible to not notice him and raises the irresistible factor. And if he locks eyes with you, there’s that moment where your brain goes absolutely blank because you don’t know what the fuck just hit you.
I agree completely with your description Clarece, except maybe the salt and pepper although s & p is sexy as hell. The locking of eyes would be the kiss of death. The casting of the golden spell. And you’re right, he is definitely not a “pretty boy”. I learned that lesson the hard way!
He’s all primal and raw for sure.
Clarece, “primal and raw”…you’ve gone and gotten me all hot and bothered now!
I call it like I see it…or well… read it here. lol
I have come completely undone… the comments you two are making about him are dimming my vision; I am seeing clusters of shimmering stars! I am going to blackout, again!
He would leave me to fall and split my head wide open upon the hard concrete.
Perhaps one of you commenters, Clarece, MB, Lori, Nunya, BrokenRainbow, aBrokenWing, E.B., Some Chick, anyone, might soften my fall by catching onto me. I am lightweight!
No cracked heads allowed. Come back from LaLa Land! 😉
Nika, funny but true story. When mine kissed me the first and only time, I ended up wounding him by not kissing him back. (I realized this much later.) The fact was, I literally went weak in the knees and nearly passed out. What he thought was me not kissing him back was actually me trying to stay conscious. It’s one of the reasons I still engage. I want a do-over!
I’m going to faaaaint…. how do we deal with this ???
MB
I am a day late but yes, hot and bothered works right MB?
Ya, “primal and raw” with that strong, thunderous voice that exhales the cutest, most proper accent ever! I think I’m …in…love.
Nika
Snap out of it!
We talked anout this. You’re supposed to be thinking of Max Headroom (floating head) for your consultation and not getting all hot, bothered, and fixated lol.
Unless you’ve already had the consult. In that case – carry on.
LOL, NarcAngel… that was then, this is now..I’m over it. Hugs, ♥️ Nika
NarcAngel
I have been wanting to tell you I love your sense of humour! There are times I laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
Clarece
Primal and Raw.
This is NOT what I need with my current mood!!!!!
Salt & Pepper is cool with me.
I value maturity; it gives me the feeling of safety & security.
You learned the hard way? Ah!
I lock eyes really well, too, but not anywhere near the penetration in which he is capable. I do not have Sociopathic skills like that!
Clarece,
This is a magnificent description.
I am not much for the Hollywood “pretty types”, myself, nor cute, as in “dainty”.
But this is what I found cute about him… the rough, rugged look with that ‘oh, so proper’, British accent. 😊 I love contrast!
I can imagine a rough, rugged man in his pjs, or suit & tie… the contrast is striking!
Thank you for your thoughts, Clarece, because it helped me to understand my own thoughts better. ♥️
Awww, you thought my description was “magnificent”. That made me smile!
😊 Thank you! 😊
Nika
The British accent would do me in for sure. I have always said I was born to be a Brit. A girlfriend of mine lives in the UK and every time I hear her accent it makes me weak at the knees.
Clarece
Salt and Pepper hair on a man is so damn sexy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yummy!!!! Ruggedly handsome for sure is also how I see HG. 6’1″ doesn’t hurt either with blue eyes right? If I am wrong I am going to die of embarrassment. I would love to know how old he is too. I think I might have an idea considering Depeche Mode is his favourite band.
Trying to reply to Nika here, but also to other ladies involved. I already have a plan for a consultation (when I can scrape together some money): instead of a smooth James Bond look-alike ten finger method (puppet) master, I will envision Johnny English. He has a nice voice, too, hasn’t he?
On a more (too?) serious note, I think fan fiction in this case can be pretty harmless fun when you’re on the safe side with your N-experiences and emotions, but before that it just steers your mind off the things you should really be focusing on inside your head. I’m maybe half-way there myself.
PS: Not sure that ‘Sir’ works. How about Holmer?
That made me laugh Kelly.
Yay, Thanks Lou!
Love that joke Kelly.
I like that suit and tie he is wearing.
The first thing I thought when I saw the title was “Of course you listen. You listen when it is a benefit to you”. He listened closely when I divulged things about my past (so he could then use it against me). He listened closely when I told him I was mentally falling apart but went silent and did nothing to help me. He listened to whatever would have the best outcome for him. Sigh. He never listened to me when I had something important to tell him. He never listened to me when I expressed concern with his drinking. I am over it!
I have noticed narcs remember some things well, like your strange milestones, but forget other “normal” things like for example someones hometown or how they take their coffee. Why is this? 🤔 prob because this “normal” info doesn’t serve a fuel purpose right?
Because it does not serve a purpose for us.
Yes. Thank you 👌😊
Narcex forgot where I was born and that I grew up in NYC. How does one forget that in a supposed relationship? 🙄
Oh yes, most definitely , reading this makes me sick in the pit of my stomach bcs he did exactly this but masquerading as an angel of light in the beginning and ( to maintain his facade) in my whole spirit I now feel he is Satan himself. I wish I could turn back time and that I had never met him . He’s taken ‘me’ and replaced with a fearful untrusting shell who fights every day to get myself back free of his terrible damage. I’m a year and a half post escape and almost divorced despite thousands of dollars spent trying to end the lie of a marriage. He came out ahead. I gave him everything and more , he’s smearing and lying and even the minor legal email contact I have had with him since I left ( necessary to move forward with the divorce ) has been enough to be toxic to me still. It truly feels like pure evil and few understand because he presents as good while destroying anyone unfortunate enough to have tried to love him covertly. It can be a lonely fight . Thank you Hg for the prolific validation of what we deal with.
MB.
It is interesting you feel your ex is Satan. The last time I saw my ex something briefly shifted in his face and eyes. I swear I was looking at the devil. His face almost had a reptilian look to it and I saw the deep hatred in his eyes. It was that night I truly became scared of him. For some reason I cannot remember most of that night which I find interesting. It is almost like my brain protecting me from remembering it. I truly believe he is Satan.
MB. And BrokenRainbow
This “shift” you speak of, my ex and I spoke of it. More like I explained to him how I see things. He explained his perspective to me, not only this he “showed” me how he “feels”.
Twilight
When he “showed” you how he “feels” then what happened?
BrokenRainbow
I am getting ready to leave and will be able to answer this when I return Thursday. I just wanted to let you know I saw your comment.
Twilight
Thank you
Hello BrokenRainbow
You asked how he showed me, he didn’t show me it was what I saw and I told him. The shift. I saw “both” sides of him. One was like a phantom which is his “evil” side and kept hidden from the world the other is what everyone see.
When I was young I called people I seen in this manner monsters. What I didn’t comprehend was I was seeing the persons rage, hatred, envy, and jealousy. They didn’t like I could “see” this about them.
I am extremely sensitive to others emotions and durning this time I couldn’t distinguish my emotions from another.
I had a mentor who understood me and was able to explain what was happening.
So I explained to my ex how he felt to me and how I saw this about him. I think the blood in his face drain to his toes, for a moment he turned white. Him and I had already discussing our perspectives and he understood I saw him as different, unique which I believed helped with things. He would question me after different situations of what I saw. I believe he was trying to gauge what I saw with what he was feeling durning situations.
Now with how he felt to me. Because of my sensitivity I literally can put myself into another’s shoes.
He was burning a baby copperhead to death, I will admit his rationalizing of why it must die I agreed with, not the method used. I felt this snakes pain but I used this opportunity to step into his shoes to experience what he was.
The first was he felt absolutely nothing as far as the pain this snake felt, it was odd like when I had surgery on my shoulder and they kept the nerve block for three days after the fact. I saw my arm so I knew it was there I just couldn’t feel it.
I went deeper and realized this is how he felt towards me. He saw me, understood I was right there, understood what he was doing upset me he couldn’t feel as I was feeling. I was touching him while I was consciously examining what was happening, when it hit me he felt nothing I yanked my hand back as if I had been burned and walked away. I could feel he became defensive and turned around and told him I was sorry and explained what happened, his defensiveness went away and he felt in control again. He never “felt” happy in the same way I did when I was happy, he did feel in control.
When I felt him become “defensive “ I now see this is when his fury was being ignited, when he felt in control this was his feeling of “power”. It was how I was able to distinguish between the two which correlate with his moods and behaviors.
Now he once ripped that mask off and showed me. I saw how I “deserved” this glimpse, he did something that was wrong and I intentionally ignored him. What I mean is he was sitting next to a person and I greeted them and never acknowledge him looked right through him. He made me “pay” for that to.
Twilight
This is intriguing to me. I need to think about it for awhile and then I will reply.
Twilight
Sorry for the delayed reply.
How far into your relationship did you feel something was “off” with him? When you explained to your ex how you “saw” his emotions and behaviours, how did he react? Was your relationship over with your ex after this conversation?
I have been NC since the night I saw the shift. I have always wondered what it would be like to look into his eyes again after I saw the hatred in them. Curiosity does not always kill the cat.
Hello BrokenRainbow
I knew almost right away. This specific conversation happened roughly 6-8 months into the relationship, Before this he had explained his perspective of love which was his fuel matrix. The way HG explains things is easier to understand then the way he explained things to me, I still understood what he was saying. The relationship lasted two more years.
In my reply I need to correct myself, by him showing was what I saw. The way I worded it in the beginning was rough. He had no knowledge until I told him.
HG,
Would you mirror deep grief that I taught you only back to me, or would you replicate it with someone else who is grieving?
Also, I declined to answer one of my narcex’s questions and he responded, “aw come on, feed my ego.” I laughed at the time but I didn’t know about any of this. Was he asking for fuel?
One would do both.
Answered your other question elsewhere, Wissh.
Yeah in the beginning to use shit against me lmao. Other than that mehhhhh not so much lmao only if it pertains to the narcissist lol.
Did you say something?
Ya, this sums it up.
Exactly, Dr Q. They want as much information as possible to use as a weapon against us. Narcissists use this approach in all types of relationships – friendships, work relationships. They are fishing for vulnerabilities.