Have You Seen Who He Is With?



You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not announced out of breath taking admiration for the person who has replaced you. You are not looking on a stunning beauty who holds down a high-powered position in a major corporation, or who is a leader in her particular field of research. She is not known for her charitable work, being universally liked, someone who is committed to family and friends, someone who shines like a gilded trophy partner. She is the opposite.

You invariably undertake an inventory of your own selling points. I have witnessed this many times. You know that you are attractive. Many people have commented on this. Whether it is your glowing smile, your radiant eyes, your lustrous locks, your curvaceous figure, enticing cleavage, elegant shoulders and a score of other things, there is plenty about you that attracts the admiring looks. You may not be a Nobel Prize winner but you know you are bright, hard-working, articulate and have a keen interest in the world around you. You are well-liked by people. They praise your compassion, your wicked sense of humour, your wild side after a few tequilas or your competitive yet fun nature when it comes to sports and games. You are independent, aware and resourceful. You have an excellent job, you probably had money (until we appeared and leeched it away), a decent home and those trappings which denote the fact you are in regular employment and have good taste. You know you are a catch and that is not a boast. There is always room for improvement and you have your flaws, hey, who doesn’t? Nevertheless, you know you have plenty going for you.

But who on earth have we chosen?

You may not wish to be unkind to another member of the sisterhood but your jaw dropped when you saw that first picture that was posted on Facebook. We were stood there, huge grin on our face, arm wrapped around this new acquisition who is, well, everything you are not. If you are curvaceous, she is rake thin. If you are slender, she is packing some beef. Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course. Your elegant dress sense has been replaced by somebody who got dressed in the dark. Your eyes shine with intelligence. Hers are dulled from idiocy, drink or narcotics. Your nails are long and sharp, hers are bitten down and dirty. You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag, has a reputation around town for being a slut, had her children taken away from her, is known for shoplifting, comes from a notorious family on the other side of town and so on and so forth. Pick any combination and you will be left with someone who is not a patch on you.

You may have an initial surge of pride that you stand head and shoulders, metaphorically and possibly even literally, above your replacement, but we know that this is often overtaken by a sense of confusion and bewilderment. Why on earth have we chosen someone like her? After all the compliments that we gave you about the way you looked, how you behaved, the various characteristics that we praised and admired in you, why have we gone down market in choosing your replacement and why do we look so damned pleased about it?

There are a number of factors which you should have regard to.

  1. You may be witnessing a Panic Pick. If you escaped us and we had not embedded a new primary source of fuel, you will have forced us to rely on supplementary sources as we frantically sought out a new source of primary fuel. This is the result. We would ordinarily target someone who has the traits which we look for which align with the type of the narcissist that we are, however, the need to put in place some form of primary source is paramount and consequently we will sink our claws into the nearest half-decent (in terms of fuel provision) appliance we can locate, target and seduce. This person is the outcome of this. Your cessation as being our primary source of fuel, threw us into a panic and we have picked this person.
  2. It may be an Immediate Ego Boost. This also occurs when you have escaped us. Your escape is a huge criticism to us and wounds us. We need fuel and we need it soon. This person has not been targeted for the characteristics which we might purloin from them for our own use (as we did with you – claiming your successes and achievements as our own, basking in the reflected glory) nor have they been targeted for the residual benefits (money, status, good home and so on). This person has been targeted because they are so grateful to have someone take an interest in them that the fuel is gushing and pouring from them. It is likely, although not guaranteed (dependent on the type of narcissist that we are) that we will be a decent catch (or at least appear as one) for them. They feel extra special for having someone so good looking, successful, interesting and so forth take an interest in them. They cannot believe their luck at having traded up in the relationship stakes. Their reaction is one of total devotion, massive fuel supply and this makes us feel all the better after the wounding that we have received at your hands.
  3. It may be a Two Fingered Salute Triangulation (or a Middle Finger Triangulation dependent on where you hail from) which has been done entirely on purpose to undermine you. This happens where we have discarded you and we want to make you feel alarmed that we have chosen someone so beneath you but we chose them over you, so how bad will that make you feel? If you ever challenge us about this replacement and how unsuited she is, you can expect the exchanges to go something like this.

“You always told me that you loved my long hair.”

“I was lying. You took too long drying it when we wanted to go out. I have always preferred short hair and Sandy’s is just the way I like it.”

“You told me you didn’t like skinny women.”

“I never said that. You are just jealous because you are fat and I have found someone who really does it for me.”

“She doesn’t even work, you’ve always complained about people who are scroungers.”

“She looks after me. It is a shame you didn’t do that but you cared more about your job than me.”

“She is some two-bob skank whore. Everyone knows that.”

“She is a firecracker in the sack believe me. What would you know, you are an ice queen?”

Whatever part of the replacement’s appearance or whichever characteristic you identify as being undesirable, we will negate that, criticise you (even though we have always said we liked said characteristic of yours). This is done to upset you so you provide fuel, demean you and erode your self-esteem whilst making us look good in the eyes of your replacement. If this happens to you, you should consider that what is actually happening is that you are being given an early and brutal dose of the truth. What really mattered to us was your fuel and all that praise and all the compliments was solely done for the purposes of binding you to us.

  1. This arrangement provides the basis for a Triangulated Hoover to win you back which stands a greater chance of success.

“I was so lost without you, I lost the plot and chose her. I have no idea what I was thinking, she was not a patch on you, do you see how much you mean to me? I could not find anybody who came close to you. I made a huge mistake and she made me realise that it is you that I really do love. Let’s try again?”

The comparison between you and this less endearing individual and our apparent remorse and contrition is designed to maximise the prospects of this hoover succeeding. You will be shocked by how “off the rails” we appeared to go in choosing the skanky individual and you will be relieved by our apparent realisation that you are the one for us that you are far more likely to accept our overtures and be hoovered.

We will behave like we have found our soul mate (sound familiar?) in order to confuse you and make you feel utterly miserable that we are now happy with this person who we chose over you. You will invariably be caught in the grip of still wanting us and therefore to have been discarded and then replaced with someone like her, hurts you hugely.

Accordingly, should you ever find yourself remarking,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

On the basis of sheer amazement at the down-trading that has gone on, you will now understand the motive and rationale behind it. You should also keep in mind that whichever of the four scenarios detailed above has happened, your replacement will not be in situ for long. This person is a temporary primary source of fuel who will soon be dispensed with. This person is a stop gap to allow us to receive sufficient fuel in the interim while a more suitable and longer lasting victim is selected or is a method purely designed to lash out at you and hurt you until we find again someone more suitable and longer-term.

For once we are not reflecting you.


33 thoughts on “Have You Seen Who He Is With?”

  1. This article is my saving grace!
    It is 100% truth.
    Thanks HG for helping me to understand and move on I will!!

  2. Pingback: HAI VISTO CON CHI STA?
  3. Urr .

    Can you imagine though finding out that you were the *stop gap* yourself… Even when you weren’t wearing a tag (!! lol)..or any of the other awful things… Seriously though II kno it’s not funny of course 😑
    but still found imagine finding out or realising that you was a stop gap.. in whatever way because they wanted to ‘upgrade’… So there is the second victim as the narcissist moves on to the third person…

    It just never ends…the only time it would end is when they became in their 70s and found out they have 2 years to live… They would then stick with an appliance because they couldn’t have an affair…
    That’s what Michael Winner the director did… It’s in his biography..

    So much of this stuff with women and unfaithfulness etc… Recycling girlfriends having secondary sources… He’s written about it all.

  4. ,”Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course.’
    “You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag..”

    Haha…really made me laugh.

    Great article on so many levels.

  5. Mine picked my cousin’s wife and made sure I somehow find out :)))) . He did it just to hurt me. It bothered me for about 2 days. Childish, he doesn’t like her and she is, indeed, the complete opposite of me. But we share the surname and the birth date. He has totally manipulated her for the last 3 months and made her send me regular nasty comments on my hair (my hair is absolutely drop dead gorgeous, hers is… well, not worth mentioning, way bellow average. She, as a whole, is a sad, pathetic, uninspiring woman who cries over her lost youth. Perfect, double fuel for him).
    I had blocked him on facebook in July and now I have blocked her too, She kept intruding daily on my page, on various reasons. Well, he is now stuck with a chick he doesn’t like at all and he has to deal with it. I know for a fact he hates everything about her melancholia, the music she likes, everything is what he dislikes. His idea of hurting me didn’t work out, I’m afraid, and the fuel she provides is stale and cannot compare to me, EVER.
    And I have replaced him already, but I did not let him know with whom. I just let him now he is history. And my guy is everything he is not. I get a lot of fuel myself knowing he doesn’t know who the guy is. I let him believe “the guy” is another one, who looks just like David Bowie (he is a David Bowie fan and always wished he looked like Bowie, which he doesn’t, he is short, thick, black eyed and cannot sing). I tremendously enjoy te situation.
    HPD versus Malignant Narc is still playing 😀

  6. My ex picked an alcoholic, abusive, affluentish unconvicted rapist. Conveniently, he’s also a DJ at a club we used to frequent and it’s been a huge pain in the ass. He talked so much unmerited shit behind my back that the red flags went up and I figured it out.

    Panic pick: another narcissist
    2 finger salute: I pretty much had to rearrange a huge part of my social life. “Nothing against you, of course.” (Uh… Why would I take it that way, unless it was intended to be?)

    It all worked out though. They’ve got a fantastic fuel depot to share which might even keep me from getting hoovered.

  7. I literally thought I was losing my freaking mind until HG told me about panic picks and then I saw this. I would still be in a state of utter befuddlement at the harlot my ex is dating. It is complete hilarity. She in fact posted homage to her “area code” from her birth dwelling on Facebook at one time. Generally this is isolated to degenerates in urban areas–they often tattoo themselves with their area codes. AND, HG clarified that my ex has zero clue that she is disgusting because she is meeting his needs. Thank goodness for you HG! And please never ever let your fuel run so low as to pick up a bar whore from the back row of a church.

  8. He was scrambling for supply. She was unattractive and packing a lot of beef. He is probably with some hooker now. Gross

  9. Although this does not apply to me in the exact perspective you wrote it from (since I am a DLS and he already has an IPPS) but I still find myself comparing myself to the IPPS ALL THE TIME!!!!! And even the former DLS/IPSS (the one before me that I knew about) too.

    Always comparing.

    However from what I know about them and the info I have sleuthed from social media, I have more (non physical) similarities with them than I have come to realize.

    1. I wish I could be totally no contact, but my kids are around these “characters.” My ex’s panic pick has a brother (with whom he associates with and takes my children around) that is a convicted arsonist, credit card thief, and larcenist. Clearly he has an anti-social/narcissistic disposition. I keep having the, “don’t let anyone touch you” talk because of the filth my ex associates with.. I’m hoping we can overturn his ability to take the children around people that like to set fires. It seems the least the judge can do. The said brother even looks like a Neanderthal. I wish I could post a photo here.

  10. HG, there is always a LOT of thought fuel that goes into writing up these scenarios. I personally would not react in the way you write about. I have way too much pride to show a reaction.
    I’ll think them….but not show it.

    My ex of 10 years (2 kids) who I finally left after planning my escape for 8 months, got a new GF 2 weeks later. I haven’t met her yet. He told me himself. Lots of the above scenarios run through my head but at the end of the day I am trying to not supply any fuel.

    I just keep telling myself that my Mama always told me to give my toys to the less fortunate when I’d finished playing with them!

    1. Gypsy-feet, I tried to be like that, not show reaction. I wasn’t very good at it. I’d last a day or two then I’d have to get some kind of jab in. He hated my jabs so it always led to an explosion.

      Good for you for not giving him fuel. Too bad for the less fortunate though!

    2. Gypsy..love it! Good for you!
      All I know is my replacement better have plenty of AA batteries
      & the capacity to transport herself elsewhere.

  11. About two weeks ago, JN’s old best friend from college (who is the relative of the family I work with) messaged me randomly to chat. Had been about 3 years since I’ve talked to him because he lives out of state now.
    He had brought up JN though and was pretty blunt about saying JN’s new girlfriend is “hideous” and he has no clue how JN has sex with her. It does sound harsh and mean. Yet it’s true. I found it a great opportunity to let him know how JN really treated me even up until earlier this year. And then added this just makes it easier for JN to manipulate and control this girl behind closed doors because right now she thinks she is with such a great, handsome guy. Said friend was feeling bad for the new gf by the time I was done.
    For the record, I am 4 months NC with JN. Longest stretch ever, including all social media staying blocked.

      1. Hi Mercy!
        Wish I could say better than I did. What provided answers in one area, has just proven problematic in other areas for me now, as far as having major trust issues, anxiety, etc.

        1. Clarece, 4 months is a milestone to be proud of and yet a very short time in the healing process. At least you’re away from the cause of these problems and can focus on YOU without the distraction of the narcissist. Hang in there. You’re 3 months in ahead of me in NC and Im sure we are bound to go through many emotions on this journey.

    1. Clarece
      Are you sure it was random and he’s not poking around? I hope not but it seems a bit suspect. Three years since you spoke to him and he’s aware of JN’s girlfriend being hideous and brought her up? (although I took that to mean he has been in her company and not just his opinion of her looks (which IS harsh and mean), but perhaps not). Great work on the 4 months.

      1. “Are you sure it was random and he’s not poking around? I hope not but it seems a bit suspect. Three years since you spoke to him and he’s aware of JN’s girlfriend being hideous and brought her up?”

        I was thinking the same thing…..


      2. Hi NA! I agree that it can appear strange that JN’s friend reached out to me. But it was a completely different reason he texted me and then as conversation flowed, he brought JN up. I work for his family and have known him since he was 4. He also wanted to know if I followed his ex girlfriend on Instagram (before the Kardashian wanna be that he’s with now,) and if she seems happy and moved on. And, no, he was being a total brat saying JN’s gf is hideous. But he is living with a total looker who could be a contestant off The Bachelor franchise. I mean next to her I’d be in The Freaks and Geeks crowd. So there’s that.

        1. Clarece
          I see. Still strange from the outside looking in. It will be interesting to see if there is contact again from either he or JN. I hope not, but his contact appears a little self serving on the face of it. Only you know the original reason for contact and I hope its valid. Just looking out where I really have no business again. I’ll go back to my corner at Vigilance and Interference now lol.

          1. Hi NA! It was a total self serving move. Now that two weeks have passed and I can view the whole conversation for what it was. Part of it led to him feeling some family friction now that he’s out of touch more being out of state for his job. I gave him some advice how to broach the subject gently. Two days later, his mom (my bff) comes to work and says her daughter got a really sweet text from her brother and it opened the lines of communication in a really good way. I asked her what she thought prompted that. She said “probably from his girlfriend who is really close with her family”. This is the girlfriend who just had her parents treat her to a spa weekend in FL and a new $1500 Louis Vuitton purse. HA! Wrong! His opening line was almost verbatim what I told him to use as an ice breaker.
            So I waited another 3 days and just sent him a friendly text of “hey, did your week turn out well?”
            Didn’t even acknowledge it. You think I’d get a thank you? After he said the night we were chatting that he feels like he could “tell me anything because I know so much family history.” Whatever.
            His mom and sister felt better and I love them to pieces so by gones. But I’m not going to jump with my friendly counsel so quick next time.

        1. You have been here always cheering everyone else on Clarece. Now it is your turn. I know how hard this is for you. You can do this! 😘

  12. This is true. The first girl I found out about was (I’ll be nice) nothing like me. My first reaction was “Ha!”. Then it was “maybe this is what he wants from a girl” now it’s “why did I ever try to impress him? He has no standards”

    1. I wasn’t nice–my empathic traits are not strong enough to feel bad for her. If she were disabled and he was using her for money or something of course I’d feel bad for her. In fact, I’m certain her cluster b is abound and plentiful so they are probably feeding off one another.

      1. Kathy there are to many for me to go into detail. Most of them are just a number in his collection and I could care less about them. A few that have been around a little longer (IPSS) hate me but I know eventually they will figure it out. Some day they will want answers from me but right now they live in denial. The IPPS, I don’t feel sorry for her but I do feel a connection or a understanding of what she’s been through. For years I hated her (not knowing she was the primary) but these last 6 months or so I realize that every opinion I had toward her was created by him. In order for him to keep up the facade for so long he had to paint her as a monster. I don’t have empathy toward them, the manipulation was too thorough. I do understand they are victims too though.

      2. Mercy—you are much kinder than me. I could care less if he victimizes her. She chose to sleep with a still married man a few weeks after meeting him at his home in front of his kids! Her boundaries are ridiculous and she is clearly disordered. My 9-year-old son asked me just today, “Mommy, why does Angie look so old?” I wanted to laugh and tell him it’s because she is an alcoholic that doesn’t sleep at night or use sunscreen in the summer. I took a deep breath and changed the subject.

        1. Kathy, haha I get it. Our situations are completely different. In my case these women had no idea what my role was in his life. I am no saint though. There were a few that tried to cause me intentional harm after they found out about me. My immediate reaction was “destroy the bitch”. Now that I’m away I’ve let that anger go.

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