Constant Companion

CONSTANTCOMPANION

The narcissist in your life may have turned to you and said,

“You are the one true constant in my life,” or words to that effect. Of course, when this sentence was said to you with faux sincerity shining in our eyes it was intended as another love bomb that rained down on you from up on high. What we were actually doing was engaging in a rare moment of truth.

We require a constant in our lives for a variety of reasons. To begin with it is because when we are seducing you, you provide us with all that delicious positive fuel and we cannot get enough of it. You are shiny and sparkling and that fuel tastes so glorious. We want to be with you all of the time to drink deep of your fuel but also to ensure that you become addicted to us as we love bomb you. We want you constantly with us so that you are exposed all the time to our charm, our wit and our affection so that as we drink up your fuel, you become addicted to the euphoria you feel by being with someone so wonderful as us. We also want you constantly by our side to isolate you from anyone who may just have the knowledge and temerity to shatter the fantasy world that we have created so you wriggle free from our grip. After expending time and energy in trapping you and clamping our jaws around you, the last thing we want is for you to be able to escape us.

Inevitably you let us down and your supply of positive fuel lessens in quality and quantity. Your dereliction of duty means we must draw fuel from other appliances. A normal and healthy person might think that if a person tires of the other in the relationship one might look at ways of rekindling what first drew those people together. Well, you know what? We do that, only we do it in our skewed manner. We have no interest in working at the relationship, that requires too much effort. We will however rekindle the golden period in order to enable our vacillating between devaluing and idealising to have the maximum effect. You may also consider that if someone no longer has any interest in the other person in the relationship and especially if that person is looking elsewhere then he or she would do the decent thing and end the relationship and move on. Not us. We need you. You might question why that should be the case since if we are treating you so badly, why on earth would we want to remain with you? If we are committing acts of infidelity with other people, why do we remain in a relationship with you? The answer is because we need a constant appliance. You are that constant appliance. We have decided that you would supply us with delicious positive fuel and although you would let us down and reduce that supply, we could keep you around as we drew negative fuel from you. You are the mainstay. There is no logic to us in having a relationship then ending it and moving on to another person some time later. That would not provide us with enough fuel, nowhere near enough. We need someone who will always be there so that he or she:-

  1. Provides positive fuel to being with;
  2. Provides negative fuel thereafter;
  3. Represents a good return on our investment (we are not going to throw away such an asset that readily);
  4. As a constant enables us to use others in our manipulation to draw more fuel from the constant and the other people (triangulation, smear campaigns and so on)
It is only when we have drained you of most of the fuel that you can supply us with that we shift to a new constant. Usually we have had them lined up for a while. Of course we do not let you go. You still serve a purpose for fuel once you have replenished your levels after a period of time and then it is time to hoover. In some instances we switch back to you as our constant and the most recent person becomes the discarded individual. We will switch back and forth between the two of you, for as long as you allow us to do this. This saves us having to hunt out new supplies as we rotate your roles in your obligation to provide us with fuel.
This is why you are kept despite the many affairs that we have. You are the constant and you may keep that role for years since much of it is dependent on how much you will take before deciding to try and escape us.
We also deploy you as a constant (yes I know you only deploy machines and it should be employ, but you are an appliance remember) because we like to compartmentalise our lives. We are the business ace at work, the champion sportsman on the field, the caring husband and father at home, the wild man on a night out and the sexual Olympian with our mistress. We like to show the world we have a steady wife who does not cause us trouble, one who runs the home and cares for the children. See how successful we are? We can attract someone who wishes to remain with us and provide that visage of stability and domestic bliss. The rest of the world does not need to know about the chaos we unleash on you behind closed doors.
Mentioning chaos identifies a further reason why we like you as our constant. Much of what we do generates chaos – the affairs, the gambling, the driving offences, the cheating and the lying – it is therefore a source of great comfort to us that we can return to you and find you waiting as usual. We have experienced so much upheaval and chaos when we were younger that this constant presence on your part provides us with a degree of reassurance. Of course, we abuse this by unleashing our chaotic nature on you as well, but we know you are not going to go and leave us and that is of great importance to us. Not only does this show the world somebody wants us it also means this appliance will remain and churn out fuel for a good while yet.
For all the other variables we introduce, the other women or men, the threatened departures and the bouts of silent treatment, we need you as our constant companion.

38 thoughts on “Constant Companion

  1. anna says:

    HG, could the escape (without fuel) of this constant when not expected cause the narc to hit rock bottom?
    esp if narc is depends on the constant for lots of things, cooking, cleaning, organising his life.

    Would breaking off a wedding that the narc does not expect be enough to cause him to hit rock bottom? He sees the women as mistaken love to make her his constant.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Potentially, yes.
      2. This would more likely wound and in itself would not cause a fuel crisis but might do in tandem with other matters.

  2. Persephone In Sunlight says:

    FOTS,

    Yes it does look like you might have been the inspiration to a good many of the recent articles posted but I feel like this one is screaming at me.
    I only once got ALL the tentacles peeled from me when he was alive. Unfortunately, once I was in reach again, I was immediately surrounded by tentacles again. Peel one off, and two more smack onto you.
    So thankful that I have been shown what they are and how they operate, it’s easier to stay out of reach of those tentacles, by not getting ‘suckered’ in the first place.

    1. Persephone In Sunlight says:

      Oh wow!
      I just realized I have 2 years TODAY no physical contact with my N.
      However, death freed me, so all I can celebrate is my freedom from W, and that I have escaped getting entangled with anymore Ns romantically.
      Oh, and finding narcsite, HG, and this community 1 yr and 1month ago.
      What a lifesaver for my sanity! My anger is pretty much gone. The knowledge I have found here is priceless, and has spared me more heartache. I can even laugh at some of this!

      Thank you HG!

      Thank you to all on this blog. Here, I’m just part of the crowd.(sigh of relief).

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome and well done.

      2. MB says:

        Congratulations Persephone!

      3. NarcAngel says:

        Perse
        Raising a glass to freedom, friendship, and education.

      4. Chihuahuamum says:

        Congrats persephone!!!

      5. windstorm says:

        Perse
        Congratulations on your two year anniversary!! I don’t think it takes anything away from it that it was death that separated you. You got separated and that’s what’s important! And like you said, you haven’t gotten tangled up with another one.

        And we’re all glad you’re here in our little community on narcsite, too! Have a great weekend!

  3. DF says:

    Dear HG
    This piece is serving me as part of an answer to my questions put to you in the “Super Power Poll” thread – will narcissism always come to the fore? A few weeks before my marriage obviously started falling to pieces, after almost 15 years we spent together, my ex-husband said to me: “You are a part of my life.” Unsuspecting as usual, I interpreted this as usual: “We belong together, come what may.” But all the time I had been to him some version of the “Constant Companion”.
    You call the narcissist’s minions his “coterie”. I understand that you are thereby presupposing that these people do not spot the faking, so, logically, the narcissist has to suppress those reactions of his that would cause their negative fuel to flow as long as he wishes to keep them in his circle.
    I found that you do not write about “covert narcissism” explicitly, as some psychologists do. I guess this is because one can only talk about “covert narcissism” from the external point of view. Am I right in thinking that the narcissist himself is not covert at all? I imagine that he is just suppressing the fury and postponing narc time until the equation starts changing.
    I was chewing on a hypothetical case of a rich lady who is providing a broken narc with money. Perhaps he will exercise prudence and not irritate her by narc machinations, so the money will flow continually. Maybe he will be not be so covert any more when it comes to her formulating her last will or her finding a new partner. Maybe that is the time when a murder will be planned … ???

    1. k says:

      Hello DF
      All secondary sources, such as the coterie, usually enjoy an elongated Golden Period (GP) or seduction.

      You are correct; he instinctively caps his fury and shows his “good” side. His facade must remain whiter than white because it is used to gather fuel.

      https://narcsite.com/2018/05/23/the-coterie-5/
      https://narcsite.com/2018/09/18/the-golden-period-6/

      HG does not write about covert narcissists because they fall under the category of the Midrange Narcissist. The quote below is from Fuel Matrix Part two: https://narcsite.com/2018/09/24/the-narcissists-fuel-matrix-part-two-3/

      “This means that the MMRN is an envious individual and is always looking to gain the advantage from covert and secretive means.”

      When you have a chance, type: the prime aims into the search function located on the upper right, under “Knowing the Narcissist” and read that article to understand what motivates the narcissist.

      The Broken Narc needs the residual benefits from the Rich Lady and will continue to use her for as long as he can. Also, he may be using her money to secure fuel from other appliances (think online Sex-Me-Up Porn sites). Only the narcissist knows what is really going on his fuel matrix.

      If he feels threatened by an interloper or a change in her will, then there may be trouble as he tries to exert control. Narcissists are certainly capable of murder, however, it isn’t in their best interest.

      A dead appliance is a useless appliance.

      https://narcsite.com/2018/09/07/why-the-narcissist-wants-you-dead-5/

      1. DF says:

        Dear k
        Thank you for explaining this to me, I didn’t know which words to type into the search function to find all the information. I felt that I was getting confused.

  4. Abigail says:

    Hg,
    If a mid ranger discards an ex and that ex blocks them and goes over a year without talking to them does the mid ranger still think the ex wants them back? Do they just assume all their exes are still pining for them?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You belong to us from our perspective until you die or we die.

  5. Sophia says:

    I spent 3 years being his constant companion. IPPS then IPSS and probably DLS-IPSS…on and off the shelf. I’m now past 30 days no contact.
    Praying this void he has left goes away soon. Praying to remember everything I’ve learned about everything he’s done. Praying for the strength to not give him fuel should he ever show up where I am. Hoping he is as wounded as much as he broke my heart.

    1. Vicki says:

      Sophia, same here. 3,5 years of constant companion, now not a word for the whole of October. He left several times and I always let him come back, against everyone’s advice. Now he is gone, straight back to the woman he’s been with during the months he wasn’t with me. And hoping he is as wounded as much as he broke my heart… But guess not.

  6. Tammy says:

    Ohhhh….ouch!!! The tendrils!!!

  7. Chihuahuamum says:

    Narcissists are codependants looking for other codependants thatll put up and stay or be in and out of their lives. Were appliances but were also security blankets. The narcissist is afraid of themselves. They are afraid of the emptiness within. Instead of soul searching and facing the fear within they grab onto those security blankets for reassurance.
    So true about how a narc rekindles the relationship thru the narc cycle but instead of it becoming healthier it is damaged each time.
    Ive been thru the narc cycle so many times the “magic” is gone. I love my narc and enjoy his companionship but the newness we once had can never be again bc it was never a healthy relationship that could grow. I understand his need for others and no longer take it personally or get overly insecure. We are a pieces of a quilt that make their blanket. They cant fully love anyone else bc they are too focused on avoiding themselves and surviving their fears.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Chichimum
      Would you say you are in love with him now? or were you ever? Or do you view it as more of an arrangement to have your needs met that has just become comfortable/routine over time so you have stuck with him and just him? As always, if that’s too personal forgive me.

    2. Sophia says:

      Chihuahuamum,

      You’re so right about the security blanket analogy.

      I understood his need. Looking back he’s not the first narcissist…just the only one I fell in love with and thought I’d marry. I can’t compartmentalize with him like I could with someone else. I think I’ll always have love for him and all of his stupid masks even though I don’t even know if I like him.

      What school and cadre is your narcissist? How many years? Did you just become numb or were you ever in love with him?

    3. Supernova DE says:

      Chihuahuamum,
      I appreciate your perspective in this comment. It’s interesting to think of narcs as co-dependent also, in a way they certainly are – probably especially the mid rangers.
      I also agree with the cycle providing damage each time it goes round. I think the narc must feel this too, because the more damage is done, the positive fuel cannot be as good can it? For me, I was not able, over time, to admire as much because I kept seeing who he really was more and more. I could be polite and complimentary, but the abject worship and awe he got from me in the beginning was decidedly absent.
      Ah, but then I guess that’s why there is more devaluation over time too. It all makes sense, and is all so destructive and counter productive (to the victim).
      How are you by the way?

    4. Lori says:

      I’m curious Chichuamum what need is he meeting for you? I ask because you seem quite aware of the dynamics here. Do you consider yourself Codependent? What do you think it will to get yourself out of this ? Will you leave him or are you waiting for the inevitable discard ?

      When I’m honest with myself, do I wish for his return? Sometimes. When I ask myself why ? It’s not him. It was the excitement he provided. It seems to fill some void/boredom in me. If I really think about, it It’s not him at all. He is an asshole incapable of loving anyone with an inability to accept even the slightest criticism. No. It was the excitement he provided. It was the fantasy that I was going to heal this wounded creature and that we were gonna have this perfect love and life together. It’s the excitement of the fantasy that I really miss. I am honest I still crave it but I’m learning to battle those feelings with logi. I’m not there yet but with a little more time …

    5. Presque Vu says:

      Wow Narcs are codependants… I have never thought of them like that but it actually makes so much sense!!
      Everything you have wrote here Chihuahuamum makes utter sense in this noggin of mine!

  8. Clarece says:

    Dedicated to FOTS over Piano Man!

    1. Em says:

      Clarice who is piano man? Please explain your comment x

      1. Clarece says:

        Em, you need to be following FOTS story on here. Piano Man is the Narc who brought her here. He’s been in heavy discussion on here over the last week. Lol

      2. Fuel on the Shelf says:

        Piano Man (also Piano Boy, Mr. Piano Recital at Church and Saint Piano) are all nicknames that have been given by me (and other readers here) in describing the musician narc that I have dealt with.

        1. Em says:

          Thank you – Strange, I had a piano man narc – once when asked why he played the piano he said you can get a better class of woman. I was expecting him to say for the joy or release or good for the brain. But no. Merely a tool to attract appliances.
          One of his early lures is to offer to play piano down the phone, or at the xmas party. They love an audience.
          He also upgraded to a better piano which I didn’t like the sound of. His reason was because it helped him with what he was trying to portray – I thought he meant musically but now realise he meant image and wealth what an expensive piano he had. Ffs.
          Is this anything like yours?

          1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Nope. It is just his hobby. His day job is a front desk guy at a medical practice. The piano playing is for side projects, wedding gigs, community theater shows, etc. Currently he landed a project doing some music for a British TV show (so he claims) but before I had a chance to talk to him more about it, his son was born and he has disappeared.

          2. Em says:

            Wow weird. They love the attention. It’s a ´hobby’ for mine too. All a performance.

          3. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            Em,
            Yeah, they definitely do want the attention. When I saw him a few weeks ago, we met up for dinner and ummm….naughty shenanigans at his office, if you catch my drift. He asked me to arrive at a specific time as he had a conference call prior. I assumed it was work related (to his day job) but I arrived 10 minutes early and he invited me inside while finished his call (it was on Skype). He was (supposedly) discussing the TV show project on the call. He sat there with his phone in one hand chatting with the other person about it, and with his free hand he was grabbing my hand tightly and squeezing it hard. Double attention for him.

          4. Em says:

            Oh!! fots the other person was IPSS too?
            Why did u do it? Not gone NC? They are so exciting.

          5. Fuel on the Shelf says:

            The person he was on the call with when I arrived? No, it was a man that he was speaking to about a music project that he was going to be working on.

    2. Fuel on the Shelf says:

      I originally was not gonna comment, (LOL), but after seeing this one and the “In love with a Married Man” just now (and Angel with a Dirty Face from yesterday)…..I feel like I am some kind of pathetic inspiration for HG’s postings here. Of course it may very well be a coincidence but I still hear that ominous piano playing in the background…..

      (still trying to find the humor….always trying to find the humor even though it hurts…)

      Now remember! If anyone asks us how we know each other, we are bible study partners!

      Boom, mic drop. FOTS out! Goodnight all! 😎

      1. Clarece says:

        Remember growing up in the 80’s and 90’s and hearing Friday night dedications on the Pop Radio Stations? This article came up and I couldn’t resist this very special dedication for Gabs and her “Bible Study Partner” Piano Man… lol

        1. Fuel on the Shelf says:

          Clarece,
          OMG yes those were the old middle school days of yore!!!!

          Hahahahaha.

          Bible study partner.

          As angry as I am the jokes, nicknames and commentary here do make me laugh.

          Always trying to find the humor.

          Sigh.

      2. Kathy Mor says:

        Sometimes I look over my shoulder to see if HG isn’t there, reading my soul.

    3. Bibi says:

      Clarece, I know of whom you speak. She needs to purge that loser from her mind.

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