5 Myths About The Narcissist



I always read views propounded about me and my kind, with considerable interest. I see many intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it. Many carry considerable force. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us. There are other more important misconceptions. As part of my ongoing work in explaining what we are, why we do what we do and your involvement in this narcissistic dynamic, it is just as important to explain what we are as detail what we are not. With that purpose in mind, I turn to five myths about our kind.

  1. We have no emotions


This view has gained some traction owing to the fact that my kind function with a considerable emptiness inside of us. The existence of this void can cause people to believe that because we are a shell and a husk that we are devoid of emotions. The fact that we feed off other people’s emotions also supports the view that we have none of our own. We need to steal the emotions that other people experience to enable us to feel.

The fact is that we do experience and feel certain emotions. We experience annoyance, anger and rage. Indeed, the churning fury which is always there beneath the surface, ready to be ignited, is a prevailing emotion of ours. We know boredom, disgust and loathing. We are very familiar with jealousy, envy, shame and hatred. Malice, malevolence, anticipation, contempt, aggression and power are further ones. Our stable of emotions is dominated by negative emotions. These are the ones which have been allowed to develop and that is because the force behind these emotions has been harnessed to allow us to achieve our aims. Our hatred for being devoid of fuel, drives us on to extract it. Our disgust at weakness causes us to always want to maintain superiority and strength. It is these emotions which make us effective and ruthless.

By contrast we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. These are alien to us along with others. We either have never known them or they have been stripped from us in order to allow us to operate with greater effectiveness, free from encumbrance and hindrance. We understand emotions because we want yours directed towards us. We understand how to mimic them and we understand when they should be exhibited (although some of our kind are better at this than others) but ultimately we do experience some emotions, just nowhere near as much as you.

  1. Copying us infuriates us


No it does not. If we are angry with you and shouting, if you decide to mirror this behaviour, all you are doing is providing us with fuel. If you parrot what we say to you, if there is any emotion attached to it, even if it is said with sarcasm, a sneer or contempt, it is fuel. If you decide to fall silent because we have, we may realise that the silent treatment is not reaping the fuel that we expected, but it does not infuriate us. Instead, we will just switch to a different form of manipulation in order to cause you to provide us with fuel. You find it hard after a while to keep mirroring what we are doing, your emotional capacity is such that it usually breaks through in some form and thus fuel is provided. We also recognise what you are doing and if you are giving us fuel, we will let you continue to mirror us. If you are not, your mirroring is not a criticism therefore there is no wounding, but we will shift to a different behaviour to bring forth the fuel.

  1. We miss you when you are gone


No, we miss your fuel, not you. That is what we miss most of all. We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided. It is something that victims of our kind find very difficult to accept. Surely some of what we said and did was genuine? It seemed that way, so surely it must have been? It must be the case that we liked somethings that you did? We did; the fuel, the traits and the residual benefits. We did not care about whether you were humorous, save that your sense of humour was appropriated by us for the purpose of making us seem better with other people. The radiant smile is only missed because it gave us fuel. Your extensive knowledge about wine was again another trait which made us look better.

Not only is it only these things that we miss when you are gone, the simple fact remains that if we discarded you, we decided that you were no longer worth the effort in keeping around and in most cases, we had identified and seduced a replacement. With this person in place, we focus on them, only turning to you to dole out Malign Follow-Up Hoovers (or Benign ones later when the replacement begins to turn stale). There is little doubt that you loved us with everything that you had, that you thought the world of us and nobody could have done for us what you did, but that is all from your perspective. Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.

If you escape, we will miss the three items that I detailed above and indeed we will look to recover them through the Initial Grand Hoover and Follow-Up Hoovers but do not think that our protestations of being unable to live without you, how we cannot imagine another day with you and we miss you so much, have anything to do with you as a person. They do not. We are unable to live without your fuel, we cannot imagine another day without using your traits and miss your residual benefits so much. All of these declarations, pleas, begging gestures and so forth are only designed to recover the three principle reasons we attach you. You can tell yourself that we miss you terribly if it makes you feel better but you are misleading yourself.

  1. We hate being alone


We need people. There is no doubt about that. We need people because we need the three principle benefits, chief amongst which is fuel, but that is not the same as saying we hate to be alone. In this instance, there is a degree of truth in the above statement but it requires considerable qualification. If we have been well-fueled we are able to be alone, engage in solitary activities and spend time in our own company without difficulty. Of course, the longer this goes on, eventually our fuel level drops and we will need to seek out people, but we do not hate being alone in such a situation.

Furthermore, the advantages of technology mean that although we may not be physically proximate to somebody, the advantages of Skype, text messages, telephone calls and even hand-written letters allows us to be on our own but in contact with many fuel sources. Add to this Thought Fuel and you have a situation whereby we can be physically isolated but with such connections we can manage perfectly well extracting all of these variable fuel types.

Remove such connections however and in a situation when our fuel levels are already low and we are physically isolated with no means of contacting people and that is when you shall see that we hate to be alone.

  1. We have a conscience

We do not. We think only of ourselves, our needs and how each situation can benefit us. We may appear to exhibit a conscience in order to con people and this is something more witnessed with the Mid-Range and Greater Narcissist, in order to fit in to a situation and people’s expectations but we have been created without a need for a conscience. If we had one, we would not be able to trample on people in the way we do. We would not be able to always be moving forward, never caring for what has gone before us. If ever you witness a situation where one of our kind appears to have had our conscience pricked, all it means is that we see an advantage in pretending that this is the case and we wish to dupe you and others for our own benefit.

8 thoughts on “5 Myths About The Narcissist

  1. Jane hall says:

    Very true.
    My Husband ( soon to be X I hope) would exhibit Rage, jealousy,
    My brother got a new caravan – he has 4 children – my H walked past with me, glaring – angry. He doesn’t even like caravans!
    The whole day he moaned about it. How unfair it was. Where did he get the money? On and on he went.
    when my sister went on holiday to a lighthouse – My H complained “All we get is this rat infested house2” Now he is living with his mama and papa on the roundabout of a big town. Enjoy.

    When a cat died, he did cry. He carried the cat in….crying his eyes out. So he did feel sad. Well, it appeared he felt sad.

    I feel exhausted just thinking about it all. I need a cup of tea.

    Thanks HG

  2. Tina says:

    I so do enjoy your articles. Gives me a whole new insight into my husband. Not sure if he is a full blown narc or just someone with dominating narc traits.

    H.G I find myself wondering if you might have any thoughts of insight about the aging narcissist. In your articles it often reads as charm, the ability to seduce and so forth as being key elements to obtaining a primary fuel source. How ever one cannot deny that we all have a sort of unwritten time limit in life, where all this comes easier. Even the best narcissist cannot run from the fact that the person looking back in the mirror, does not look like the person who looked back 20 years ago.
    What of the aging narcissist? The 70-80-90 year old narcissist? When looks and health may be failing and new primary sources like girlfriends are naturally more difficult if not impossible to obtain.

    Is it a subject you might consider visiting and writing a little about?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the two articles about this very subject.

  3. Michelle says:

    My recent Narc Friend is very witty and would crack dark jokes about how he had no feelings. I always wonder to what extent he knows what he is.

  4. Fuel on the Shelf says:

    “Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.”

    Can you do more articles about shelving rather than discarding? Or should each of those situations be interpreted in the same manner? I hope you understand what I am trying to ask.

  5. G. says:

    Not really related to this article , but I think one of the first signs of being near a narcissist is that one feels self conscious . Being sized up . Gross .
    Two , I think that anger is an acceptable emotion to express for a narcissist because it gives them such a feeling of power , and strength , and it frightens others which makes them feel small and afraid . Ew .

    Three , no matter what the interaction , one later feels that there are things they can’t let go about it , like some bit of poison has invaded their mind and you are left ruminating on it . EW .

    The unpleasantness of it is pretty instantaneous . Like foul air . Get away , fast , and stay away , don’t get sucked in to trying to right this feeling by going back at it . Clear away .

    1. mommypino says:

      “I think one of the first signs of being near a narcissist is that one feels self conscious . Being sized up . Gross ”

      This is so true! The people pleaser part of me tries to prove to the narc that I am good and that starts the game that hooks me in. That is such a helpful advice, once you feel that, get away! Great advice!

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