The Final Discard


“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?


As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

18 thoughts on “The Final Discard

  1. Jane hall says:

    No contact since February this year.
    He has tried to hoover me back.
    Flowers, cards, letters, messages, even a visit to the house when I was at work.
    All evaded.
    With Christmas coming up, I am expecting a Christmas eve emotional hoover.
    I have moved on – he may not. But as long as I don’t respond – he is powerless.

  2. chardsofglass says:

    All that comes to mind is a soul sucking vacuum cleaner.

  3. Kathy Mor says:

    Yesterday I was sitting in my living room reading when my phone rang. I looked at the number. It looked awfully familiar. Oh no! It felt like fire was running in my veins. That surge of adrenaline painfully burned in my veins until it reached my heart and the shaking began. I stared at the phone unable to move. I started getting anxious thinking what he would do if I didn’t answer. Fear. Then I realized that I put his phone number in my new phone so I would know if he was contacting me. How stupid of me! And yes the number was similar with a couple digits switched around.
    But it was good to show me in what emotional level I am….
    I am still scared. I am still afraid of him and if what he can do. Still runs in the back of my mind.
    Hence I am back here, my safe haven.

  4. Kathy Mor says:

    That’s is exactly HG’s point: YOU have to discard the narc because the narc won’t discard you.
    It doesn’t matter what you think, do, have done. Just understand and accept the fact that for a narc, there is no such thing as the end as they will always come back for more. You are the one who has to “leave”.

    1. Kathy says:

      HG, you may not be able to answer this due to maintaining your privacy but I would think almost certainly someone you have victimized would come across your material. How do you deal with this? I am assuming you change variables of your victims when providing stories, but you can’t be anonymous forever.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Names have been changed.

      2. Kathy Mor says:

        That’s actually a thought that has crossed my mind many times. Would they sense that it is HG writing? Can you imagine the chilling feeling they would experience?
        While not impossible, it would be a quite stretch as HG is probably very careful. Also these women would have to be able to recognize the narcissism which, if they are like us, they may never find out until after the event…

  5. Fuel on the Shelf says:

    Are there or will there be other articles someday about corrective devaluations?

  6. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    “There is no final discard.

    And that is my final word on the matter.”

    So right, Tudor, so right!

    BUT I have to admit the golden period feels good if you’re able to keep in mind it will soon be over and if you’re able to end the game first. One can play, as long as she/he remembers there is only a game and the person is unable to feel or emotionally engage in the process. And interesting enough…he’s lying himself just as much as he does with his victims, that’s really sad…If not at least 90% of those very good looking and successful were narcissists = fairytale. He’s such a poisoned “candy man” and mother nature was also very generous with him, as if that wasn’t enough…One can barely keep her hands off him (I did, I do and I will). I imagine you are the same for those personally knowing you…Playing with your kind is somewhere near playing with fire. Only you gave me the “magic potion” keeping me from uselessly burning again and I’m eternally grateful for that. I know you won’t approve my playing…I’m a bad student… I’ve always needed empirical demonstrations to perfectly learn and take for truth a lesson. But there again, that’s why I am…Sherlock. I found that pretty amusing, because I was very close to take that sort of job for a company. I can’t be lied, my brain is always analyzing details but I do have true feelings for those who earned them…in years.

    In the beginning I was somehow unjust to you, unable to put myself in your shoes for just a second but I must underline that staying open to information is key in becoming wiser and judging the source is not a sign of empathy…not at all and only leaves us open to further emotional/physical abuse.

    Allow me just one question, as I am very interested in the subject: have you already published the book on your relationship with your mother? I feel (and also think) that one is a must read for me…and I couldn’t follow all your posts lately.

    Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, not yet.

  7. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    You may not be able or willing to discard but your victims might be. Not all of them I concede. Once we go no contact, your hoovering attempt will not succeed. We put you on the shelf, to gather dust like a bad novel that looked promising at the beginning but lost its momentum.

  8. YourfavX says:


  9. kel says:

    Stop sounding so smug. We’re the ones doing the final discard here, you’re the ones who are feeling out of control and criticized. Smear? Don’t you know we can do that the same way you do? We’ve learned a lot of your tricks, so don’t even try it. Who cares about us, but everyone cares about important you, you don’t want to risk that, do you? Don’t push us, it’s just too easy to hurt you.

  10. Veronique Jones says:

    I really do believe that I won’t see or hear from my narcissist again he got both barrels from me and I managed to get him to stop with his malignant hoovering with legal help he still has his protege see me I believe it is because he knows I don’t want to see him and it gives him a feeling of control so I intended to try and make that as nice as I can I’m not ever giving him the satisfaction of getting to me again he used every little thing he knew would hurt me until I broke, and now because I say so the relationship is not repairable
    I have dealt with numerous narcissists in my life he copped a life time of build up rage I really have had enough of being an emotional play thing for narcissists it took me three years of dealing with his Hoovers all malignant and I know that I mean absolutely nothing to him a fact that broke my heart so badly when I realised what he is , I really thought I had escaped my narcissists,by getting no contact but another one found me , anyway since then he has tried to break me and I can tell you he come very close he even threatened my life I had to completely release all fear of everything including death I knew there was no turning back once I had exposed him and he is everything you say about a greater there will always be Hoover triggers but he can not keep doing it without risking his career and I have no desire for closure anymore so even if he tried benign Hoover’s I will remain stoic around him and if in his mind he has discarded me and that makes him feel in control so be it I do not care he can lie to himself all he likes having him in my life now is nothing more than a minor inconvenience you are the only narcissist I want in my life you help me keep things in perspective

  11. Original Overthinker says:

    “If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.”

    So in this case, it is the end as far as the Narc is concerned? X x

    1. Pixie says:

      Original, hey, ’til death do us part. I would hope it is the end as far as the narc is concerned . . .

  12. ThePersonalityAbyss says:

    Oh thank god u clarified this lol

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

5 Myths About The Narcissist

Next article

Why You Should Fear The Smear