I Cannot Love You More

I CANNOT LOVE YOU MORE.jpg

I have always adored you. It is true. You did not realise it. How could you? I kept my adoration confined to something distant and something remote, always living in hope that one day I would be able to pour my adoration all over you. How long has this condition lasted for? I would suggest over ten years. Yes, that long. It was when you first joined the company. We worked in separate departments but I saw you arrive one day and from that moment I felt this adoration for you. It was strong and powerful and flowed from deep inside of me. I knew in an instant what it was and I just knew that I had to provide it to you. I had no idea when that opportunity might arise, when I might be in a position to furnish you with this potent and unending adoration. You did not know this but I managed to copy your photograph off the company website and I would lie on my bed or sit in a chair and stare at your picture wondering when I would be able to provide you with what you deserve. I contemplated listening to you lying beside me and whispering my name, the sensation of your hand in mine, the delight in sharing experiences. This adoration has remained, churning and growing inside of me. I have sustained it and nurtured it for all this time. That surely shows just how powerful it is and just how special you are to me. Yes, I know you had no idea. How could you? I kept it to myself as I wanted to save it all for you. Of course there have been others during those ten years but they were just practice for when I would be able to provide that adoration for you. I was fond of those supposedly significant others but let’s not you nor I delude ourselves; they came nowhere close to evoking the adoration that I have for you. I was not surprised. I understood that from the instant I laid eyes on you that you were the one. I could not make my move though until I had tested myself. You see, I had been let down so many times before. I thought I knew and understood what true adoration was. I had been deceived by imposters and found that they promised much yet delivered so little. I did not doubt you but I had to be sure. Accordingly, I kept my distance, adoring you from afar and pushing my resistance. Each day that passed where I denied myself the chance to give you my adoration was another day where I tested whether that adoration would remain intact and it was. I came through the test. I asked many questions of myself and I found that I was not wanting. This time was the reality. This was true and honest adoration, nothing more and nothing less. I realised as the months became years that the longer I waited the surer I would become and moreover, like a grand whisky maturing, the longer I waited then the more powerful this adoration would be. I understood that to allow this adoration to grow and build, to test it, to determine whether it had any boundaries and shortcomings would ultimately mean that I would be able to dispense adoration like nobody else could ever do so. I could give you what you deserved and in return you would provide me with what I wanted and needed.

This may seem strange but there almost came a point when I thought that perhaps I would never provide this adoration for you. I wondered and considered whether I would be better served by keeping it within myself. Locking my adoration away as I always wondered whether it would come undone after another day of waiting and testing, but then I realised that since I adored you so, I could no longer keep this adoration hidden. What person would I be if I did not provide you with the very thing which you deserved? I would be failing both you and I. Thus, that is why I made my move. There was nothing distinct which triggered this need to make my approach and provide you with this adoration. There was no catalyst other than the realisation that the time had come. There was nothing more to be gained in keeping this adoration confined to myself. I had to release it and lay it on you. I had to pour it over you, spilling over you and coating you. I needed to provide this most perfect adoration and allow you to bask in it, delight in and know that this is what I will also provide to you. How can that now be the case? I have waited so long to give this to you that there can be no outcome other than this permanent state of adoration which will allow us to become one and preserve that state of affairs forever. Ten years may seem like a long time but it is but a blink of the eye when compared to the infinite adoration I will give you and that shall keep us together. We shall not crumble, we shall not fall. I promise you this, just as promised the same to her last month and her the month before that and her the same last year.

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32 thoughts on “I Cannot Love You More”

  1. I could not help but comment on this one. It is so good the way its written. It encapsulates you. The logical side of me knows its not real. But the emotional side of me feels all weird inside to think of the guy having these feelings for such a huge amount of time but holding them back and even testing out those feelings over time. I’m not generally a romantic type person but this kinda brings it out of me. I still have so much work to do on myself, because I’m taken in by this and it feels so alluring….. But then you get to the end, and realise yes that is exactly it. They build you up so high and then disappoint you. And some people can seem to walk away the first or second time it happens and never go back. But some of us, literally cannot help being taken in again and again and again, even getting used to the disappointment it inevitably brings along with it. It almost doesn’t feel right anymore if you have a high without the low after. The low you feel you deserve anyway. Its like some of us literally cannot let go, cannot give up on hope or the person. I feel cursed to be like this…..

    1. Hi Tigerchelle, good to see you back! How are you?

      I agree with what you’re saying, it has everything to do with emotional thinking. Right now I have gone full NC with musician narc, I hope it will last. For me it is too hard to not respond to a hoover. It’s not that I really want him anymore, now I know what he is, but I feel he needs me (my fuel) when he hoovers and it’s hard to ignore him. That’s because I know how it feels to be ignored, In philosophy class I learn how to think more logical. One method goes like this:

      -you have a (negative) emotion (sadness, missing, anger, hurt, sorrow, any…) Write this on a piece of paper, and all the next steps too.

      F.e.: you miss the narc (emotion: missing= sadness)
      You have two thoughts, one is right, one is wrong:

      t1) I miss the Narc so much it hurts like hell
      t2) I will feel so much better when I engage with him again

      t1 = true
      t2 = untrue (he makes you feel good only for a very short time, after which he’ll hurt you again, like always happens. You’ll seperate ways and the missing returns)

      Now you make a new (true) thought.
      You don’t even have to believe this thought yourself right at this moment, you just form a new true thought:

      New thought: My emotional thinking and the dope in my head prevent me from ignoring a hoover. I have to stop the risk of being hoovered.

      From this new thought you can extract an action:

      Action: I need to go full NC.

      The emotion missing/sadness comes from the wrong believe that this Narc cares about you and will make you feel good.

      With this method, you make clear for yourself where the emotion comes from and what you need to do to prevent getting yourself in a similar situation.

      This one is just a simple example, but you can use this method for all kind of problems and unwanted emotions.

      Tiger, you do not deserve the lows and you can help prevent them if you prevent the highs as well, by not fantasising the feelings of others, which they don’t even have. Not all people think and feel the way we do.
      Once we start looking at a persons actions, rather than their smooth talking in combination with our fantasy feelings and the illusions in our head, we’ll get to the truth sooner and we’ll not be hurt again so easily.

      Take care Tiger, wisdom comes with the years they say. I hope you are okay. Hugs, xx

      1. 2SF

        Hello, have we met? Or maybe you were under a different name? I do not remember you.

        Yes, emotional thinking, I know. Interesting what you say….
        There are other issues involved with me. Its not just empath and narc here. I’m a right damaged crazy mess!

        I have just started full NC with this person in my life, again for about the twentieth time! He probably thinks I’ll be back and give in soon. In fact I’m the one that hoovers often…..but if he hoovers or gets in contact, he only needs to say a few words, that’s it…. That gives me hope! It’s really pathetic. I care about him a lot. And I didn’t want him to go out of my life. I have BPD, and separation anxiety, I suffer also with complex Ptsd, and so I’m sure he plays on my abandonment fears.

        I wanted to be good friends to him and tried to get him to be friends with my husband too, and I just didn’t want him to give up on me as a person and leave my life,..but he won’t even acknowledge hubby or look at any messages he has sent….(yes with me it is complicated I know)

        He wants me to be with him, and for a time I guess I considered it, as in leave my husband of 14 years, but decided I’m not going to do that, and couldn’t. (Although yes I have got emotionally involved with many others due to the addiction I have) and growing up and not knowing proper boundaries also does not help.

        I kept telling him it was not going to happen and I’m not going to leave all I have and built up for some guilty pleasure or whatever as it is not worth it. But still having him gone kills me. I struggle with loss of any kind. I just wanted him to stay my FP.

        I jokingly said, the only way I would be with you, is if you kidnapped me, hahaha! He replied: ” that can be arranged!”

        He does not give up easily but I’m pretty sure he just likes the idea of me, as in I’m a fantasy. We both have each other blocked now. He has some narc traits some sociopathic traits, I don’t know anything else really. I have strong narc traits, and empathic ones, so I just feel everything a lot. I am an emotional rollercoaster!

        But trying my hardest now to just stay no contact, because to be honest he has hurt me enough. I can’t keep going round in circles with him and then mourning his loss again and again. He just kept using the old “silent treatment” which I hate and I’m not gonna keep getting ghosted and then the only way he would answer me is if I send him a flirtatious pic, or flirtatious voice message, and I thought I can’t get trapped down this road again…(yes its happened before as I’ll be in such desperation to have contact because I’m spiralling down into panic and despair)

        I have “love addiction” so its like my drug of choice I guess. So he was wanting my fuel, and I was wanting my next hit. He was another FP, as in Favourite Person which many borderlines have to help with their emptiness. Our emptiness can be similar to the narcs. Cluster B’s often overlap.

        So this is an ongoing issue for me ever since I’ve been young and single…..I’ve been addicted to Narcs/sociopaths practically my whole life. It gives me highs, lows, happiness, pain, and everything in between….. Which creates for me a kind of fantasy, so that I do not have to deal with my inner pain and turmoil.

        But like any addiction, its gonna be hard to purge!

        I’m not really back. Or didn’t mean to come back. Because despite me learning different things here, it can be triggering for me and not good for my mental health. People easily misunderstand me, which really doesn’t help. So I tend to stay away!

        Take care and thanks for your comment to me xx

      2. Sorry if my last comment hasn’t made much sense. (Over-thinking).. Its late, I’ve taken my night meds, and sleeping pill and I’m tired, and at the moment I can’t even grasp what you have told me about your philosophy class if I’m honest.
        I will look at it again tomorrow with fresh eyes and hopefully head. Plus it does give me much anxiety commenting on here again….so if I don’t get back to you, you’ll know why….

      3. Tigerchelle, sorry, I forgot to mention my old name in the comment. Of course you couldn’t know how 2SF was. It was ‘Blank’ before. Remember her :)? If not, no worries.
        I totally get what you say Tigerchelle and I feel sorry for you, for your struggle. I understand it so well, because, although I don’t have BPD (I think), I feel and can act borderlinish when dealing with the narcs.

        For me it is clear there is no ‘soft’ way to get out. You have to do it the hard way, cold turkey and hold on to that until the guy is ‘out of your system’. It is very hard, but so long the man is in your daily thoughts, you will be hoovered or get in touch with him again yourself.
        Thinking more logical and less emotional does help. I’m probably a bit too enthousiastic about my philosophy classes and perhaps the method I explained doesn’t make sense to anybody who wasn’t in the class either. Anyway, I hope you manage to stay NC Tiger. Do it for yourself. Try to relax, breath and care for yourself. You don’t need this man to be happy, the opposite is true, he / the situation makes you crazy and unhappy. Try to look at it from a distance and stop going in details in your mind. I can not tell you how happy I am all the mindfuck is gone for me and just being able to do normal day things with mindfullness again, instead of having him on my mind 24/7.
        I hope you can do it Tiger, wishing you the best and giving you a big hug xx
        (you do not need to respond if being here makes you anxious again, I get that)

      4. Blank (2SF)

        Hi there…..of course I remember you! How are you?
        🙂

        You are very correct, there is no easy way out. It is literally hard cold turkey! I’ve been here many times. It feels horrible, but they say practice makes perfect. Perhaps not with me, I don’t know.

        You are so right, the first week, I’m consumed with him in my head. Our conversations, and we started to have voice messages, and so his voice too. How do you get them out of your head?! This is the worst part! It comes in waves…..

        Thank you so much for your encouragement. Its so very difficult. I have different friends supporting me and giving me good advice. I literally have to turn my phone and tablet off or get my husband to hide them, to stop me from communicating with him, because I’ll find a way! He wouldn’t block me for a long time, but I told him again and again that he has to block me, because I will just unblock.

        This is true addiction at its worst….. Its hard enough when you are just dealing with a narc, but add on the addiction and my mental health, and there is so much against me to help me fail. Literally, I’m swimming and have the current against me, and then the addiction is like a huge vortex…..I’m trying to stay busy and distracted with other things. I’m going against very ingrained patterns.

        I bet you must be happy to be safely on land and I’m so glad you are! I seem to always be in the sea.
        Wave to me as I go by!!!! But everyone’s help is like a life ring to me when I’m in the sea, so its appreciated.

        I felt very anxious last night, but as long as I don’t get attacked by anyone, or pulled to bits, I should be OK.

        Thank you for your reminders, and please keep them coming! I really hope I can succeed….

        Big hugs to you Blank xxx

  2. HG, I am really curious – what if a narcissist has a new shiny IPPS but others (some of his friends or family) see her imperfections and instead of complimentaing her to the narcissist they make some remarks like “well, you know she is nice but she is only a waitress and someone with your position could find better” or “she is a fun girl but not so well educated, what are you talking about with her”?

    Well I imagine that the perfect IPPS should make narcissist feel good about himself, this should be someone flawless who gives him an ego boost in the beginning, someone that makes others envious so what if people around don’t think of her as highly as the narcissist and he knows that?

    Would it be a reason to start devaluing her or maybe he would convince himself they are wrong and he would devalue/punish them in the first place?

    1. The comments of the other appliances would be regarded as Challenge Fuel and they would find themselves dealt with appropriately through the assertion of superiority by the narcissist, most likely disagreeing and attacking the relevant person who made the remark about the IPPS.

      1. Interesting HG! What about negative comments from the coterie having an influence when the Narc is ready to devalue? Does that give added material at that point? Whereas during the Golden Period, you are saying the Narc will defend the IPPS and not heed those criticisms but will store those up as ammo for when / if it’s time to devalue?

      2. Yes they will be flung at the IPPS – “My mother warned me not to get involved with you, as you are a gold differ.” What we once defended, we now detest. What we once admired, we devalue. What we once lauded, we use against you.

      3. Ok, let me ask you this because you have written about having this method of triple tracking in your thinking.
        Let’s go with your example of MatriNarc not liking a current girlfriend of yours and calling her a gold digger. When you are in the Golden Period with the IPPS and not wanting to see or believe that about your girlfriend, yet you hear someone else close to you mention that perhaps that is what your IPPS is, does your mind automatically jump to start looking for signs that she could be? To store for later in the event you need ammo against her?

      4. Oh, I remember your article about revenge on narcissist, for example sending him a diaper anonymously. What if you send him anonymously something that attacks his IPPS? For example if she is fatty you send him a book about diets? (not that I would do it, of course). Would it wound/frustrate him during the golden period or foster the discard during devaluation?

      5. I find this comment from Pauline interesting:
        ‘HG, I am really curious – what if a narcissist has a new shiny IPPS but others (some of his friends or family) see her imperfections and instead of complimenting her to the narcissist they make some remarks like “well, you know she is nice but she is only a waitress and someone with your position could find better” or “she is a fun girl but not so well educated, what are you talking about with her”?

        Well I imagine that the perfect IPPS should make narcissist feel good about himself, this should be someone flawless who gives him an ego boost in the beginning, someone that makes others envious so what if people around don’t think of her as highly as the narcissist and he knows that?’

        I see myself in this scenario. before I met my N I could have been described as the IPPS mentioned above (albeit male). However, I had great potential that was largely untapped until I met my NEX. She encouraged me to return to school and ten years later I graduated with my doctorate (even though I was disengaged with before conferred with such). I sometimes wonder if affording me the opportunity to return to school to better myself was in response to her family and friends making disparaging remarks against me. I remember when we first started dating she told me how a friend stated she should have found a doctor to date rather than me. Ten years later…..boom doctorate.
        I would value any thoughts on this HG.

      6. I suspect it was more likely that she saw character traits she could acquire from the realisation of your potential as opposed to acting on what others might have said about you. She would however, during your golden period, used that potential as a weapon against anybody who criticised you and criticised her for being with you.

      7. HG, would you provide an example of some possible character traits in my example. I have had a problem with this concept. Sorry to have to ask you for a concrete example.

      8. The fact that you would achieve an academic qualification would be a trait she would acquire and use for her own benefit.

      9. Thank you MB. I’ve missed you as well. Life is okay. I keep moving forward. How have you been?

      10. I am well PH. Thank you for asking. I thought you had run off to New York with Dr. HQ! In all seriousness, I hope you continue to move forward and are able to find true happiness. You will always be an advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse and that is a beautiful thing.

  3. OMG! My ex MRN said that if it didn’t work out with me that he was going to give up on women! Lol!! AND, he said he had been watching me at my job, a retail store where I worked and he would shop, for 3 years before he finally decided to connect with me on FB. Thanks for this info HG. I thought this was unique to him, but, guess not!

  4. I think I have seen a different article saying that this is one of the lies that a narc might say to a target. It’s a really romantic pick-up line.

      1. Yes that’s exactly it! Thank you K! I really like that article too even though it doesn’t apply to me.

        The last line in this article made me laugh though. I wonder if narcs really do drop off some little hints of who they are during the seduction phase.

      2. Thank you K! That’s exactly it!

        I wrote a reply earlier but the browser reloaded so it must not have gone through.

        I like these articles even though they don’t apply to me because I’m such a romantic so I probably would have fallen for this pick-up line. The last line made me laugh though. I know that it was meant to indicate the point of being deceptive while being humorous but I wonder if narcs really drop hints during the seduction or not at all. Or if it’s just something unique to the greater because the mid-rangers and lessers are not aware of who they are.

      3. MommyPino
        I know from experience that midrangers drop hints about what they are, too. I think deep down they all know that they are what the rest of us consider abusive. They may not know that they are narcs, but they know that we will end up feeling hurt because of their actions.

      4. You are welcome MommyPino!
        I had a feeling that might be the article you were referring to.

        I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I think the Greater probably drops the most hints; I can’t recall if my MMRN dropped hints but I don’t think he did. This article below might be helpful, when you have a chance, check it out.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/09/21/told-you-so-7/

  5. Is that another empty promise? The narcissist’s fake hope of a wonderful future together? I heard it so many times. It did look promising at some point but it never came true, so I cut my losses and went in search of something better, something that was real and I found myself.

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