How We Get Away With It (And What You Can Do About It)



There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?

  1. It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
  2. We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
  3. We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
  4. We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
  5. Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
  6. The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
  7. Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
  8. We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
  9. We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
  10. There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.

Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.

  1. Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
  2. The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
  3. We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
  4. Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
  5. The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
  6. Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
  7. The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
  8. Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
  9. You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
  10. It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.

It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.

The key for you to remember is this.

It is an appearance.

20 thoughts on “How We Get Away With It (And What You Can Do About It)

  1. Kate says:

    Thank you. You provide the intervention that I need, especially now during the Holidays when unbridled sentimentality threatens to be my undoing.

  2. Kelly B says:

    Still find myself ruminating and stirring a cauldron.

  3. Veronique Jones says:

    I bought fury last night I was no more than two chapters in when I found that I was so upset not sure whether or not it was anger or just complete sadness that this is how you lived and your parents your uncle Peter not people to be proud of and admired Nor your father for that matter What your uncle did to your sister at that barbecue hurting and humiliating her for an accident And no one stopping him of saying anything I’m horrified maybe because I know how that feels I would never be okay with somebody doing that my child or any child for that matter I would’ve kicked is sorry Ass out And I’m sure that would make me a malfunctioning appliance as you would put it I don’t get why your kind are attracted to me yes I’m empathic But I’m far from weak and I will defend the innocent still don’t get it
    Your mother sounds a lot like mine However she has hot and cold fury and it wasn’t just get her own way she genuinely got pleasure out of hurting people while me anyway I have been no contact with her for years now she still try’s to get to me but I will never let her know my son not after what she did with my brothers she created two of the biggest monsters I’ve ever met when we were children I will try to protect them by taking on the fight I was so used to it and I didn’t want them to suffer as an adult I realised they were just like her in some cases worse

    1. MB says:

      VJ, the story of Uncle Peter punishing HGs sister at the BBQ has stuck with me too. Like you, it boils my piss. If anybody did that to one of my children (even their own father), I would not stand by. Hell hath no fury like a mother protecting her children.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        I hear you being a parent is a privilege our job is to protect them love them and raise them to be good people I am very lucky I have three two girls and a boy and I am very close with all three they show respect out of love not fear

        1. Clarece says:

          I’m so glad you have a close relationship with your three children Veronique! I feel the same way about my daughter, now in junior high, that it is a complete privilege to be her mother and raise her. She was absolutely worth 5 years of infertility to have.

  4. Veronique Jones says:

    So once your kind have broken a person down and either disconnect or the victim escaping and time passes and your victim gets her life back together is happy obviously not thinking of your relationship anymore and has moved on how does that make you feel or react if you cross paths with her again ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a hoover trigger and may cause a hoover dependent on whether the hoover execution criteria are met.

  5. Bibi says:

    This is one of your most uplifting pieces. I have alwyas loved this one.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  6. Petra says:

    Thanks HG. What you describe is really helpful. How does it feel to be ignored for the narcissist?

  7. Petra G. says:

    Thanks HG. What you describe is really helpful. How does it feel to be ignored for the narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It wounds. Please read the book ‘Fury’ which explains in greater detail.

  8. Michelle says:

    My Narc Friend had the audacity to disobey the request of a police officer at one point. He got away with it. He told the story to me later as if his actions were perfectly justified and reasonable. At the time I broke up with Narc Ex, he was threatening me with legal action. Our mutual friends said I should just face him in court, what was I afraid of? I knew enough then about how he operated that I knew he could rake me over the coals and make me look like a crazy person; he was literally keeping a written log of everything I did. Then our friends used the fact that I was afraid to face him in court as further evidence that he was right — I just couldn’t win. Eventually I cut off all of them and walked away. Narcs are good at selling the idea that they are innocent because they quite literally believe it. They literally cannot cognitively process the idea of their own vulnerability or limitations. The defenses will not let them. This is why I haven’t bothered trying to convince anyone what Narc Friend really is. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

    I compare them to the Black Knight from Monty Python. Every setback is “just a flesh wound” and they keep on fighting, even when in all fairness they have been defeated. And somehow it works.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      They were not your friends. They were weak minded lemmings if they could be led so easily. Good riddance to them.

      1. Michelle says:

        NarcAngel, you are totally right. I learned that the hard way. One of them was working in domestic abuse counseling at the time and I was horrified at the degree of victim blaming she engaged in. She acted like taking this guy to court and getting a restraining order was the solution to everything. I knew that whatever I threatened him with, he’d come back against me tenfold. As it is, I left him with an illusion that he’s still in control of the situation and let him wander away, and things have been quiet since then. Absolutely none of our mutual friends would help me deal with him, and other people who initially believed me eventually accepted him into their fold. The entire experience left me pretty disillusioned with humanity and aware of how difficult it can be to crack that facade. People who have not encountered a narcissist firsthand simply will not understand.

  9. Scarlett says:

    HG I cannot thank you enough.
    Ironically, his recent hoover messages come to the same email account as this blog.
    Every time I’m about to hit send,
    a new topic comes through and reminds me exactly why I shouldn’t.
    I hope one day, this feeling of wanting to have contact with him, leaves.
    It’s been years, yet I still feel drawn to him.
    I’m sure with more time it will eventually fade but until then I will continue with NC.

    Thanks again HG, you were
    huge part in my healing.
    Simply from having answers and
    understanding what happened.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome.

  10. Mike says:

    This is the best piece of writing I’ve seen on this topic, period. There is no way to apply logic to any aspect of a relationship with a narc. There is no end game other than just moving forward with them removed totally from your life. It is that simple. Know they are hollow, know they can’t love, know they are built that way and can’t be changed.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and I agree.

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