The Aging Narcissist – Part One
I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.
The Victim Cadre
All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.
The Lesser Victim
Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.
He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.
The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.
He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.
The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.
He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.
A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.
The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.
The Mid-Range Victim
The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.
The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him
The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.
As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.
‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’
‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’
‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’
The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.
The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.
The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.
The Greater Victim
This combination of cadre and school does not exist.
Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.
42 thoughts on “The Aging Narcissist – Part One”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Thank you Mercy
It has been a few months now. My heightened emotions are at their worst and I wasn’t expecting it.
Maybe because I am out of the cycle of abuse and away from the eye of the storm. I can see everything for how it was and some of the anger is directed at myself.
Questioning all relationships in my life, I was always the friend who sees how people are. Would do anything for anyone. I have dropped off radar and not hearing from anyone.
I don’t want to be walked on anymore also don’t want to become bitter either.
Thank you again.
Argh!!! Typed my real name … x x
Apologies … Entered new comment rather than reply … x x
My Lesser Victin Matrinarc doesn’t have health issues. She will probably live up to 100. She never smoked or did anything abusive towards her health. She said that the only time that she smoked in her life was when she was pregnant with me to help with her morning sickness.
But she always look terrible with her choice of clothes. I have tried so many times to help her with that but there comes a point that you just have to let her be what she wants to be. I always feel embarrassed to take her anywhere. I think she may be getting fuel knowing how I feel about her looks. She laughs when I get frustrated. Her victimhood doesn’t stem from health issues but from being poor and unattractive.
Your story, MP, prompts me to ask the following. Obviously, this site, wisely, advocates robust NC when dealing with our Ns. What is the thinking then when it comes to aging N parents? It will sound harsh–though perfectly in line with what HG has recommended–that they should be completely jettisoned and left to age without their Fuel (ahem, Children). Yet, so much societal pressure and judgment says, “But he’s your father.” Thoughts?
J
I know you werent asking me, but my narc mother took 10 years to die from Alzheimer’s. My solution as the only child was to pay/make arrangements for others to be her primary caretakers. Thankfully she had money and properties I could juggle this way (for instance, i traded one of her rental houses and 2 acres of land for 2 years of care from a CPN friend of mine).
I still had to oversee and pay the bills and help out at times, but it made it doable. If she’d had to live with me it would have ended in murder/suicide fairly quickly.
J
Society can go fuck itself, shove them in a nursing home and walk away.
I wouldn’t give my mother the time of day.
J
CNA, sorry. Lol! Certified Nursing Assistant.
For my matrinarc, I am the only source of money for her. She never worked her entire life, she just relied on my dad’s financial support. I was conceived by her against his will to ensure binding and to be her meal ticket. So she has no social security, retirement or savings. The extra money that dad sent her was spent by her to buy her relatives gifts and she even built houses for my grandma and one uncle while she was raising me in the slum area. So she’s not smart with anything and will end up begging on the streets if I don’t help.
The other part is I feel bad for her. I just consider her as special needs. Her cognitive abilities are poor.
I also love her.
But she lives in the Philippines while I live in the US so my exposure to her is really small. Only when I visit over there which is once every three years or so. But she always gets me so angry everytime I visit. It is hard with parents especially if they rely on you for everything.
Hi HG, I’m thinking about letting my narc know our your blog, how do you think this person will feel when reading your articles? Pleased, admired, getting the wanted attention/supply?
It depends on the school but ultimately that’s not the issue – there is no point letting the narcissist know about it. It is for your use.
Me, I’m curious about why you would want to do that?
My ex husband narc hasn’t spoken to me in the ten years since the divorce – because it’s all my fault. Until the other day, he’s now sending messages via our grown up kids to ask me who is the best person to go to for face lift surgery.
Obsessed with youth and looks.
He once incentivised me with money to lose weight.
Always picked away at my looks.
EM
Send your ex the name of the nearest butcher shop.
😂
I just laughed out loud when I got to the word malodorous. Do you laugh when you dream this stuff up? It is spot on (from professional experience..) but these lessers are quite the funny lot!
It isn’t dreamt up.
But HG, don’t you crack yourself up when you come up with something particularly humorous. Like, “Ye Diabolic Hot Sauce of Ring Stinging”or “Live-Wire Lingerie”?
No, I just think of the amusement of others – Thought Fuel.
Amuse me you do, Sir. I enjoy your wit a great deal.
Thanks Yoda.
Yoda I am not, Sir. He was killed, along with Celine Dion recently in a tragic triangulation incident involving one HGT (aka The Fixer). His Heart Will Go On however, in my comments as well as those of K.
Ha ha.
MB
Ha ha ha…don’t worry, I will carry on Yoda’s legacy of the inability to talk sensibly.
I think many in our society think a woman that takes care of herself …her looks , skin hair etc, ….she must be selfish and a narc ? I feel judged like this …I sense it from my own family .
Mollyb5
“I think many in our society think a woman that takes care of herself …her looks , skin hair etc, ….she must be selfish and a narc”
I always attributed this to envy. That’s the feeling I get from people who make those sort of comments.
Well. Envy sucks . I don’t like to feel envy from others ;-( I am saying most people don’t know about narcissism and think it’s about looks .
My ex narc is now reaching out to his children after 8 years of ignoring them or belittling them since I divorced him. I knew this would happen and I can fairly well predict what the next course of events will be.
This article shows how screwed up my head is!
It has upset me, even though I spoke about shell shock yesterday and the damage it has caused to me.
He is a Mid Range approaching 50, had Cancer.
I know he is going to settle with the woman he is with now and I am gutted. Even though he was an absolute Bastard, treated me horrendously, and that wouldn’t change as he thinks he can treat me anyway he wants.
I know I wouldn’t be happy with him. I am still sad it wasn’t me he wanted, I loved and cared for him at his worse.
Why can I not overcome this!!??!!
It is so strange, I had seen the text book behaviours. Maybe I just wanted to believe he was hard work. Then “The Summer” definitely my Summer of discontent, unfortunately Autumn going into Winter.
I was quite spiritual that was waned, I think damage. Part of me thinks calm, rest, sort of honour the wounds, reflect and heal. Am I wallowing though? It was truly love for me, obviously mirroring. Another part of me wants to shove a rocket up my a*se!
A well meaning friend who teaches meditation said to me “let go of what doesn’t serve you” and “being in the moment, that moment has passed” I get it, however, I have an inner rage, I bit my tongue but wanted to say why are you arsed about ancestors then.
This anger I have is quite scary and never in a million years would I have thought it was me. I want revenge, I want to ring her and say he has cheated on her with me (I didn’t know at the time).
Arghhhhhhh!!!!
Original Overthinker
I remember feeling the same way about my MMRN and he will be 50 soon, too. It sucks, just let it all out. Feel your anger. Keep reading and posting your way through it and don’t stop until you feel better.
Thank you … I am in disbelief at my own rage … Writing and posting is helping me vent … I am like a coiled spring… x x
Dearest Original Overthinker,
https://youtu.be/QsY066wa08E
https://youtu.be/moSFlvxnbgk
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you Bubbles
That is so strange, I loved music, every genre, from classical to Rave.
I lost that joy with him, he thought music was pointless, that should of been a red flag. He demanded my time, hundreds of message a day at it’s height. Then me going into my head when the games started.
I was watching Youtube yesterday with my 13 year old daughter. Carpool Karaoke (sorry HG) came on with Barbra Streisand, that was the first song… When they went out later, I put the song on had a bop and sang at the top of my voice. I did think after, I enjoyed that and released some of that energy.
Thank you again … x x
You are welcome Original Overthinker
The rage is unbelievable, just feel it. Vent, explode or holler. Do whatever it takes and don’t apologize for it, ever.
Thank you K …. Where are you in your recovery? … This is like therapy, only better … Narc Abuse Anonymous (NAA) … Somebody mentioned 12 steps to me in a comment. I will have to look up what the 12 steps are… Thank you again… x x
You are welcome Original Overthinker
I am on parole and I am currently attending NAA here on narcsite so I can successfully stay sober and avoid another disastrous narcissistic relationship.
Original overthinker, the rage will pass. It took me along time to get over the anger. And some days it creeps back when I’m not expecting it. Do what K said, keep reading and let it out when you have to. Don’t mess with getting revenge. Take care of yourself. Revenge will come later when logic replaces these strong emotions you’re feeling.
It creeps back out of the blue and bites you right in the ass Mercy. I just have to manage it.
K, bite in the ass, slap in the face, boot to the head. Yep exactly! I’m working toward a black belt in anger creeping self defense.
Thank you Mercy
It has been a few months now. My heightened emotions are at their worst and I wasn’t expecting it.
Maybe because I am out of the cycle of abuse and away from the eye of the storm. I can see everything for how it was and some of the anger is directed at myself.
Questioning all relationships in my life, I was always the friend who sees how people are. Would do anything for anyone. I have dropped off radar and not hearing from anyone.
I don’t want to be walked on anymore also don’t want to become bitter either.
Thank you again.
Argh!!! Typed my real name … x x
OO, when I stepped away from the narc I realized how very silent my life was. Aside from my children my phone was silent. Looking at FB I hadn’t posted in months, I couldn’t remember the last time I had dinner plans with the girls. At first I felt abandoned by my friends but after really looking at the situation I realize that I was the one that pulled away. While in the cycle of abuse I didn’t nurture my other relationships. I believe it’s in an empaths nature to want to do things for others and be there when our friends and family need us. As long as this is given and not expected, I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s who we are and it makes us happy.
You are right, given our nature we are easily targeted and taken advantage of. Because of the knowledge you are gaining as a result from the abuse, you have an advantage now. You will be able to identify what is appreciated vs being used.
Reach out to those you trust. You don’t have to explain what you’ve been through. Most will not understand. You will find that the company of people that care for you (even if they can’t understand your situation) is a step forward in getting your life back. At first it may feel forced, but soon you will see that they have been waiting for you to reach out.
Never stop moving forward, keep reading and learning from HG and communicate with the readers here. This site has some pretty amazing peoples. I have found that each person’s experience has been valuable in my own recovery.
Take care, I will be thinking of you.
Dearest Original Overthinker,
Thank you lovely one
He who thinks music is “pointless” is an uncultivated ignoramus knob
Redirect and release your revenge anger on some heavy rock, metal or Wagner instead … haha
Keep listening to music with your precious daughter…. she’s watching and learning from you …. be her best mentor …. you are essentially “paying it forward” to your daughter on how NOT to be treated by life sapping vultures in her future
Hard as it may be , Mr Tudor is giving us the lessons and tools … we need to heed his advice and warnings for our own survival and self preservation …. he ain’t joking
It takes time and patience ….. surround yourself with what makes you happy … only be with those who make you feel good about yourself and make you a better person …meditate …. vent as much as you want here (you have amazing advice here from other empaths) ….. and ditch the dodo for good
Your nasty narc will get his comeuppance
Hugs to you sweetness
Luv Bubbles xx😘