The Expectation of Recognition


“Do you know who I am?”

A sentence often issued by the floundering Z-list celebrity who is trying to cross the velvet rope and be admitted to a special event or the VIP area of a club or restaurant. The demand to be recognised so that special treatment is afforded and it is expected as of right. This is a sentence which may as well be playing on a loop through our minds, each day and every day, because no matter what situation we are in, who we are with and where we find ourselves we expect to be recognised. It is not the recognition of our name, putting the name to the face and understanding who we are in that sense. It is the appreciation of our standing as special and important individual. A person who is better than you, better than him or her or them. This desire to always be recognised for how remarkable we are, that our treatment should always be preferential to that of anyone else is something that is always with us.

When we rise in the morning and we open our eyes, our gaze falling on your besides us, do you know who we are? Why are you not doing something which accords with my status? You ought to be awake. You should be attending to me, providing me with fuel as soon as my eyes open. Why are you not doing this? Do you not understand how important I am? Make me feel important? A slight push on your shoulder and you mumble. Another gentle push and your eyes open and as your vision comes into focus you see us looking at you and generous soul that you are you smile, your eyes brighten and you place a hand on our arm. The first fuelled flames of the day begin to rise as you have recognised how important we are.

Over breakfast we demand that you know who we are? Our favourite food ought to be ready. Oh good, you have done so. It is clear how much you think of us to ensure that our desired cereal or fried breakfast is ready and waiting for us. You have recognised our need and through this gesture you have reinforced our importance. Of course there will be no thanks given to you automatically. Why should we do so? After all, this is what is expected of you. Through word, gesture and deed you are expected to recognise our brilliance throughout the day. This is crucial to our existence. In our minds a fanfare plays as we walk down the stairs. The children line up to pay homage to the kind as he sweeps into the kitchen. Even the dog should sit obediently and recognise that a prince amongst men has entered the room. We feel magnanimous, already fuelled by your first gesture and the receipt of several praising messages on our secreted phone which we checked as we busied ourselves in the bathroom. We pat the children on the head and give you a kiss on the cheek. See how generous we are? How fortunate are you to be the recipients of such spending golden glory. Do you know how many people want to look upon us, to reach out and touch us, their trembling fingers brushing against our clothing and skin. Do you know who we are?

As we exit the house and see a neighbour we expect recognition but there is none forthcoming. Rather than regard this as an oversight, the neighbour was looking at his roses rather than at us, we are irritated by this failure to recognise us and there is the slightest of wounds caused by this criticism. The first knot of fury unloosens and we are about to call out across the street to gain his attention and ensure that due homage is paid to us when our mobile ‘phone rings and we see it is a friend, a member of the inner circle who is calling. Our expectation of further recognition rises with this telephone call and it does not disappoint.

In our world we are the monarch striding through his kingdom, making his Grand Progress. We process and expect all around to bow, to curtsey, to doff caps and tug forelocks in a demonstration of fealty and worship. The lesser of our kind are not aware of this need like we greaters. The lesser cannot bear to suffer being ignored, not made to feel special or noticed. They do not know this is what they cannot bear, they just know the restlessness, the irritation and then the fury as the criticism mounts. They see nothing wrong in banging their cutlery on the table to gain attention. Should you ever challenge that behaviour and point out that they are attention-seeking, they lose sight of the issue being pointed our because your challenge in itself is a failure to recognise the lesser’s elevated status and all talk of attention-seeking will be lost as he or she lashes out at you in order to achieve fuel from you. The mid-range of our kind and especially the greater know that we want to be recognised, we know that the irritation and then the fury comes from the failure to pay heed to how special we are. It need not be anybody telling us as such, it need only be an appreciate nod of recognition or a warm-natured “hello” but to us that equates to recognition of our elevated status. Of course, should our achievements and accomplishments be lauded as they ought to, then this is even better.

In our world homage must be paid by all those we come into contact with and repeatedly by those who are closest to us. A failure to do so, however slight, will result in the issuing of a criticism against us. The outcome is the ignition of our fury with us lashing out, doling out a silent treatment or withdrawing. This is why you can be sat in a beautiful field on a sunny day, having enjoyed a walk by the river and now a picnic and all of a sudden a barbed comment comes out of nowhere. You do not understand where it has come from but it is likely to have been the fact that you offered the butter to somebody before us and in turn failed to recognise us. I know you regard such behaviour as petty, but that is all it takes for the irritation to manifest. It can easily be assuaged by the prompt application of fuel rather than annoying us further by asking where on earth did that come from and challenging us further. I know you will regard such a state of affairs as ridiculous, I have heard it many times, but that is the way we have been created and of course, even though we never tell you what it is, we expect you to recognise it.

14 thoughts on “The Expectation of Recognition

  1. saskia says:

    Good that you did, Sarah! My remark was more of a general nature and therefore quite misleading as a response to specifically your comment.

    (By the way, I wasn’t familiar with the expression ‘schtum’ in the English language – I looked it up and it seems to be a Yiddish variation of the German word stumm = silent. Does anyone know if that is correct?)

  2. Michelle says:

    Narc Friend and I used to chat about our high school experiences. He complained that his teachers barely knew who he was because their attention was focused on the A students. With the benefit of context and hindsight, I doubt that to be true. Narc Friend can’t be bothered to do anything at someone else’s request, which is probably why he was lackluster, but felt entitled to the attention anyway. He is nonetheless an intelligent person and probably let his disdain for authority keep him from reaching his potential.

    He also used to talk about getting beaten up in high school. He said it was because he got noticed too much. He probably got noticed for being entitled and lacking a sense of boundaries, and his peers were trying to put him in his place. Of course he viewed this as evidence of his own superiority.

  3. mommypino says:

    This was one of the things that I found to be silly about my sister. She did not have any teaching degre or credentials but she took lessons to teach English as a second language. She referred to herself as a teacher which I can understand she did teach but she was making herself sound like she was more than what she was. When I drove her to the airport and helped her check in to go to a country where she would teach English, she had extra luggage and she was being charged extra and she was demanding like she was entitled to have the fees waived because she was a teacher she said. I was so embarrassed to be standing next to her holding some of her luggages. She also lied to them when she said that her luggages contained school supplies. She also frequently asked for a teacher’s discount when we went to stores like Joanne’s.

  4. Christopher Jackson says:

    So your mom sounds like she is of the cadre as well…yes hg??….how I wonder.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Which cadre?

    2. K says:

      Christopher Jackson
      HG’s MatriNarc is a UMR Elite.

    3. K says:

      to be clear: upper midrange Elite.

  5. Leslie says:

    I fully recognise that you are an emotionally stunted egocentric immature individual who bullies others in a variety of ways to get attention and that you exist in a fear driven internal state.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Mother, I have told you only to communicate with me through semaphore, I do wish you would pay attention.

      1. Mercy says:

        Haha nice!

      2. Caroline R says:

        Ha ha ha ha!

        Of course she poisoned the carrier pigeon, so that’s out….

    2. Sarah says:

      Leslie, I am going to hold up the mirror for you.

      How you make others feel says a lot about you. Your comments about HG on this blog are less a reflection of his character and more a reflection of yours.

      Your misplaced projections appear to be stronger than your mind at present.

      You have completely lost your sense of self.

      Do not accept the version of you that we have all now come to expect.

      Vitriol is no substitute for virtue.

      So Leslie, if you can’t be kind please be quiet. An emotional reaction is exactly what the narcissists want and we don’t need to attract anymore of them in our lives.

      1. saskia says:

        I like your comment, Sarah.

        Leslie seems to fire comment after comment like an automaton, regardless of any attempts to interact with her. Perhaps it’s best to not feed her further.

      2. Sarah says:

        Thanks Saskia.

        I agree that silence is probably the best response! I have stated the facts once and so I won’t feel compelled to state them again. I am now schtum.

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