The Married Target


“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.

I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.

Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.

Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.

  1. Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
  2. Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
  3. Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
  4. Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
  5. Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
  6. Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
  7. Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
  8. Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
  9. Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
  10. Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.

Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.

However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.

  1. Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
  2. Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new parter post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
  3. Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
  4. Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
  5. Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
  6. If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?

Fair questions. Taking them in turn.

  1. Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
  2. That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
  3. No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
  4. This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
  5. Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
  6. This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.

Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.

Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.

  1. The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in  Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
  2. The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
  3. The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
  4. We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to  the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
  5. People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
  6. Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
  7. We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband actually shows he is faithful and he tells her to leave him alone). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
  8. Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.

The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.

More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell, to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.

We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be our IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing you the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you

“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”

“She just isn’t interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”

“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”

“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”

Oh the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.

The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.


62 thoughts on “The Married Target

  1. SS says:

    What can you do if the narc threatens to tell your mate, and they have proof? 🙁 I broke away successfully, but during the final conversation he reminded me he has photos and texts. It has been over a year. Am I safe? If not, what should I do? If he destroys me can I report him for revenge porn?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You have various options here but I need more information and recommend you organise a consultation with me.

  2. Joanne says:

    Hi MB, dirty empaths, that’s new! But a term that I feel fits me well <3

  3. Chihuahuamum says:

    My narc actually gets turned on by the fact hes involved with someone married. I find it a turn off bc it shows his true colors. He takes pride in being sneaky and deceptive. Were involved for different reasons. I was looking for something missing in my marriage and he was looking for someone he wouldnt have to commit to and could have on the side. Hes bragged about celebs who have been unfaithfil like jfk and looks at it like its something to be proud of. Just another validation he is more than likely involved with many. Hg’s writing about promiscous sums up my narc. His ego is stroked by the fact he can obtain the attention of married women or women in general yet he lacks the confidence to commit to a woman and build on a real relationship. Its safer and easier to have women on the side he can draw what he needs from. Maybe in the end thats the best choice bc i dont think hed be able to stay in a marriage and i think he knows that. This side of my narc i dont respect despite liking other things about him and loving him. He is a cheater and has no qualms about it. He takes pride in the fact hes involved with someone whose married. Its made it easy to hone in on weaknesses and use them to bind. Narcissists like weaknesses to control.

    1. trocadero says:

      Chihuahuamum, do you call him out on it? on the fact that he feels proud by being involved with a married woman? and that you know the real reasons for him being in your relationship? And if yes, what does he tell you? Gaslighting I suppose? Feel free not to answer my very direct question but it reminds me so much of my own case (I completely escaped with NC but I am still having difficulties with ever presence). I think it suited him perfectly to have somebody on the side, even though he claimed I was overreacting and that he wanted ”only me” (haha, what a joke). When I asked him directly how he was seeing this “relationship” with somebody who lives 3h-plane ride away and is married and cannot see him often, he was like ” I wan’t to try with you” – if we fit, and I think we will, then we will see what to do, and if we don’t at least we will know”. He just forgot to mention that he will keep doing other girls in between 🙂 of course, he never admitted that and pretended to be offended when I was insinuating that he couldn’t fool me about that. I just couldn’t keep being or feeling like a distraction for somebody that I care about, I am too produ for it I think and I honestly think it had more prevalence on my decision to escape than my feeling of remorse. I try to be grateful that I did this thing I never thought myself capable of with a Narc, because if it was a real love, I still wouldn’t be able to hurt my family and I think I would be in much more pain. Now at least I can tell to myself that I haven’t lost anything, since nothing of it was real…

  4. tigerchelle78 says:

    “Its kinda ironic and funny that HG thinks of himself as the best, and greater narcissist, don’t you think?! And all the other narcissists below him….of course he does!?” My husband said to me today…..

    1. WriteItOut says:

      It’s exactly how narcissists think. Even when they can see with their own eyes that something is not as they’ve decreed, I’m quite sure they invent their own scenario to make it fit their need to be in control.

  5. WriteItOut says:

    “This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).”

    The narcissist was told by her friends that my husband would never divorce me but she refused to believe it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she still thinks it will happen one day despite all evidence to the contrary.

    I’m positive she believed that she was SOOOOO incredible in every way that he’d never be happy with me again after her. One day post break-up, she emailed him and said “I know you’ll always remember the time we had together because it was too good not to”. It was incredibly satisfying to reply to her that a few months of fucking in cars was completely mundane and typical. She lost her mind over that one.

    Narcissists think they’re so unique but they’re all pretty basic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is nothing basic about me, believe me.

      1. WriteItOut says:

        Something in common…I’m not basic, either.

  6. Joanne says:

    I am a married target. I believe I’m in the devalue or discard phase now. I was swept away by his charm, now here I am, lost in a whirlwind of confusion. I won’t run after him, I can’t, after all. So I will suffer without him and accept the pain that I deserve for being unfaithful.

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi joanne…i just wanted to say i understand your pain. I never thought id ever be that type but there were reasons why. Its not an excuse but thats the route i took too. Its a terrible situatikn bc youre dealing with abuse while trying to maintain your own facade of everythings ok. Do you think your spouse suspects anything?
      Whats most important is understanding why you were unfaithful. Its about learning and healing.

      1. MB says:

        Not to mention you are all alone. I’m glad you reached out Joanne. You won’t be judged. You are among friends and dirty empaths here, girl!

      2. Joanne says:

        Thanks Chihuahuamum. Yes, it is a very bizarre position to say the least. I have to hide my sadness and carry on like nothing’s wrong. I get internally frustrated and impatient with my good husband simply because he is not my narc. I want my drug, I am a fiend for it, but I have to hide my withdrawals to get through the days. So hard. Thank you for replying to me <3

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Welcome. You may experience pain but you dont deserve it, and being here reading and sharing will help with that.

      1. Joanne says:

        Hi NarcAngel, thank you. I do feel like I deserve the pain. It’s almost as if the universe has to set things right – the balance of the pain I am causing my husband (unbeknownst to him thus far) is brought back on me. There is a hard lesson for me here.

    3. mommypino says:

      Hi Joanne, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. As you read through the articles here and the experiences shared by commenters you will realize that you had vulnerabilities that were targeted. As you learn from this blog and his books you will empower yourself and we all support you in your healing.

      1. Joanne says:

        Thank you mommypino <3 Quite a bizarre situation I've come into with this…

    4. abrokenwing says:

      Hi Joanne,

      I was also a married target and my now ex husband was outdone by another narcissist who disengaged with me during the divorce.

      Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. X

  7. G. says:


    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are correct.

      1. Clarece says:

        Malkovich is equally alluring in the Showtime show “Billions”.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Billions. Great show, and rife with examples of NPD and some of the effects and behaviours that affect the world in ways we may not have given thought to previously. There are situations demonstrated that if you put yourself in may allow you to see things in a very different light.

          1. Clarece says:

            Finallyyyyyy, a Billions fan. I find that show gives me an adrenaline rush. Plus whenever I hear Metallica, especially, “Enter Sandman”, I immediately associate now with Bobby Axlerod. Haha
            Based on the 1st 2 seasons, I never saw the devalue of Bobby’s wife in the 3rd season. I love, love, love the storyline between Bobby and Taylor too.
            Another very interesting show that just started this past weekend, based on a true story about a con-man (really a sociopath) is Dirty John on Bravo with Connie Britton and Eric Bana. Already in 1st episode you get fantastic display of love bombing, Jekyll and Hyde behavior to girlfriend’s grown children, manipulating girlfriend to take advantage of residual benefits, and isolation from family. And all this in the first 8-10 weeks of their relationship which leads to impulse wedding in Vegas. Definite thumbs up with everything we learn here.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I hadn’t heard of Dirty John. Thank you.

          3. Clarece says:

            I’ll just leave this trailer right here for you.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            Thank you. That does look interesting, and an excellent vehicle to test what we’ve learned here. At the very least to demonstrate how the golden period may be viewed from a third party standpoint. Interesting choice in Bana.

          5. Clarece says:

            I think we are going to see Golden Period to Devaluation Period in rapid fire succession with this show. Eric Bana was also Executive Producer.

      2. K says:

        I listened to the Dirty John podcast and I suspect that the wife and the daughter, Terra, may be midrange narcs. The grandmother was definitely a narc.

        Terra (24) spoke like a small child (infantilism) and the mother was married 4x before she met and married Dirty John. She had no real empathy, used money to bind DJ and her children to her, she triangulated, used silent treatments and, when asked a “sensible question that should have been answered sensibly” by the interviewer, she couldn’t provide one. The audience got a mini word salad.

        I thought she was an idiot for putting her adult children in danger and that’s when I started thinking she may be a narc. The family discord and drama was a veritable fuel fest.

        1. Clarece says:

          Hi K! I’ve had no exposure to this Dirty John story prior to seeing the first episode this past weekend and reading a bit about the real life version. In watching though, I was perplexed when the wife confessed to him that she had been married 4 times prior. Really? Like, maybe you throw in the towel on the marriage arrangement after 3 or 4. How many divorces can you seriously afford in your lifetime? How many times can you say “til death do us part” with a straight face? This can unfold as a great example of when Two Narcissists Collide. lol I also would have become absolutely unhinged as a mom at some of the comments DJ starts making to both daughters. It’s amazing how kids zero in immediately on the bad traits.
          I did read an interview with Connie Britton that said she really struggled with why the wife could not break the ties with DJ and kept hanging on feeling love for him. I guess one aspect that will differ from the podcast and the real life version is they write in that the wife goes to a treatment facility for a month. I believe it is to give the audience some psychological perspective on the dynamics and then toll this relationship is causing her.
          All of Connie’s answers could have been found here. If only the writers knew about HG.

          1. windstorm says:

            My DILs father has been married 7 or 8 times. I don’t think it’s hard for narcs to say wedding vows since it’s just another lie.

          2. Clarece says:

            WS! That cracks me up. Does he even invite people to these weddings to witness? People must make bets on how long each marriage will last.

          3. windstorm says:

            I don’t know about betting. He does still invite people to weddings. Seems much more embarrassing because the dating period and “engagement” time often overlaps his previous marriage. I know her mother has been publicly embarrassed that way (when the wife after her died, there were pictures at her wake of special times and trips with the narc that were date stamped during my DILs mother’s marriage to him).

            He’s one of the gregarious, outgoing, attention-seeking narcs. Unadulterated, unashamed entitlement. He tends to show up assuming he is wanted when everyone would prefer to forget he exists.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            I’d be tempted to gift them a bag of rice (for the next wedding) and let them figure it out.

          5. NarcAngel says:

            Wow. You’d have to be desperately hard up or another narc to explain away 7 or 8 failures and still think you can make the difference lol.

      3. K says:

        Hello Clarece
        Exactly, Debra had four previous marriages and then gets hitched in Vegas. Binding. I think it was narc collides with narc with ASP. In the podcast, it is very clear that she is very wealthy (residual benefits).

        DJ repeatedly directed very threatening/violent statements towards two of her daughters and he even threatened a male cousin. The mother seemed nonplussed and GrandMatriarc thought DJ was the cat’s meow. I felt like I was being gaslighted by both of them.

        Connie Britton really struggled to understand because Debra and DJ were each other’s IPPS and Debra didn’t want to break ties with him because she loved his fuel! That is how it appeared to me or maybe mom was a CoD.

        1. Clarece says:

          Hi K,
          Sounds like both daughters are going to have a lifetime of Mommy issues.
          The real Debra seemed completely star struck to have Connie Britton play her, and admitted some family were against her sharing the story for the TV show. Her rationale…producers were going thru with it no matter what, so she thought info should be as accurate as possible.
          These daughters probably want to crawl under a rock and hide for a decade.

      4. K says:

        Christopher Goffard (the LA Times writer and podcast interviewer), a prosecutor, one attorney, an ex-wife, co-workers and family members on both sides were all baffled by Debra and Dirty John’s bahaviour.

        I wasn’t; I knew exactly what was happening throughout the entire podcast and I took notes, of course, and then I wrote to Christopher Gofford and very briefly explained why Dirty John behaved the way he did.

        I left Terra and Debra out of the email.

        1. Clarece says:

          Wow! Did Goffard respond to you?

      5. K says:

        No, he did not respond, if he does, I will let you know.

        The podcast ended on this note: Dirty John was a bad seed; he was just born this way. Huh?! WTF!

        DJ’s parents were very abusive. Imagine that, gee-fucking-whiz, and no one connected the dots. Before I discovered NPD, I knew my parents fucked up my sister and brother. It isn’t rocket science; it is cause and effect (and genetics).

        1. Clarece says:

          Hi K!
          Ugh! Dirty John may have been born that way and then unfortunately the environment with his parents nurtured the very worst with the abuse. Debra seems like a piece of work too. I wonder if she’s hoping that male suitors will be drawn to her plight being a professional businesswoman and “victim”? lol

      6. Caroline R says:

        Thanks for the trailer, it looks interesting.
        I’m going to check out ‘Billions’ too.

    2. tigerchelle78 says:

      John Malkovich, he always plays really weird characters. I’ve not seen dangerous liaisons. He generally gives me the creeps though in a weird kinda way….. I’m glad I now know he plays a similar type character to HG.

      1. tigerchelle78 says:

        Correction, I have now seen “dangerous liaisons”…. I liked Michelle fieffer’s character in it, but she should have not given in to John Malcovich’s character… She should have left, and stayed well away from him. He was very persistent….which does not make it easy! And I know all too well how easy it is to get swept up….

        Its funny how I asked exactly the same of my narc/sociopathic friend, I just wanted his friendship, because this would last… but he just wanted to be with me, (have his fantasy) and so I had no choice but to end it. But the way I put him off was to challenge him, saying: “are you going to marry me first?! Are you going to provide for me, and give me safety and protection and stability?! And take care of me, even when its difficult, and stick by me, and promise never to leave me and love me even when I cannot love myself?!….because if not, what makes you think, I’m going to leave me husband when he is doing all those things and has been for 14 years?”
        He just said…. I’d given him a lot to think about?! You damn well right I had.

        Always question their motives!

  8. Tara says:

    Does talking evil say something about the narcissists intent to make that intimate partner into a primary or secondary source of fuel? Can they be less inclined to speak evil of spouses of tertiary sources of fuel (like friends with benefits)? Or is it something they just have to do? And is there a difference in behaviour between the three types of narcissists in that regard?

    1. K says:

      Speaking evil would not be used to ensnare a source. The narcissist uses seduction to secure all sources.

      If a source is painted white, then the narcissist will not speak evil (devalue) of him or her.

      There are differences in behaviour among the schools (lesser, midrange, greater).

      There is a search function on the upper right, under “Knowing the Narcissist” type: lesser into the search bar and scroll through those articles and read a few. Do the same with: Midrange and Greater.

      1. Tara says:

        You did not understand the question. I’m not talking about badmouthing the fuel source. My question pertains to a narcissist badmouthing the partner of his fuel source.

        1. K says:

          Gotcha! Thank you for clarifying.

          1. Tara says:

            You’re welcome

  9. mommypino says:

    There is actually something that happened here where the husband ended up killing his wife because she was leaving him for someone else and then turned the gun to himself. Their kids now lost their parents. Our whole area was so shocked about it because both the husband and wife were known for being kind and well loved people. They were also childhood sweethearts. I have never even met them but I was also affected by it. With all of the details that I have heard, it sounds like a case of a dirty empath. The other guy was a narcissist in my opinion. The coward left the woman and ran away instead of helping her take the gun from her husband. From what I have heard was that he was taunting the husband when all that the husband wanted to do was talk to them until the husband snapped. I felt sick and depressed when this happened. Nobody talks about the other guy but I hope that he left our town.

  10. Tigerchelle78 says:

    I hate the fact that married women can be a target. I feel narcs certainly help to destroy family bonds and unity. But I have learnt all too well, that marriage does not and will not stop them.

    Married persons sometimes unconsciously or consciously go looking outside the marriage. And many narcs pick up on the fact that there are many married and bored, lonely women out there who are not perhaps having all their needs taken care of. But marriage itself (to a normal healthy person) does kinda give one some stability and security, of which if you leave, you only have yourself to blame.

    I know I could never be with anyone else. For me marriage is forever. It’s a commitment and something that takes work. There are going to be trials, problems and weaknesses and work to do on both sides. If you expect perfection, you’ll be let down. And I think you can get stronger over time if you work on things. Of course it helps if your partner is not a narc. As they won’t even bother to work at something.

    For me it’s a case of, I was brought up on toxic love, it’s all I saw and that was my environment..and so I only knew of this kind of love. Healthy love does not make much sense to me, and I’ve had to learn to love in a different kind of way. It’s been difficult for me.I’m still learning. And I realise that I do not know how to love properly. I am grateful to have a very understanding and giving husband who is willing to teach me what healthy love should be like. Although at times I still yearn toxic love.

    I also realise that as a married woman we can make ourselves more of a target. So I’m working on making myself less of a target. Building a strong wall. Still have work to do…

    1. WriteItOut says:

      Chelle, I was brought up in that type of environment as well, with a malignant narcissist father who damaged all of us (I have three siblings) so much. It warps how we experience love and relationships, and it takes effort to change what you yearn for. It feels so comfortable, even when incredibly painful, for hurt and love to coexist.

      I really didn’t think that normal relationships existed by the time I met my husband. I was very leery of marriage; I almost got married twice before him to very nice guys but changed my mind. I almost dismissed my husband as being “too nice” when we first met, and then one day he did something incredibly endearing and I asked myself, what’s wrong with you? And then we fell in love with each other at the same time, which had never happened to me before.

      We’ve been together for twenty years, married for seventeen. We’ve been through hell together. We almost ended up divorced, both our faults for different reasons. We are both so glad that we are still together and have learned to love each other in a healthier way. We have a different marriage now and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been since met.

      It’s hard to change ourselves when we’ve been raised in a toxic environment, but recognizing it is huge. Thank you for sharing your perspective. Have confidence that you will one day no longer yearn for what hurts you.

  11. mommypino says:

    Queen Christina of Sweden didn’t know what she was talking about. Actually, married women and nuns are about as equally happy or unhappy as other single women. It just depends on all kinds of other factors. But even happily married women can be ensnared. And you just gave a lot of good examples of when that can happen. So we all need to be careful. My marriage was getting dull at the time that the Somatic narc tried to seduce me. But I still considered myself fairly happy. We have two little kids that demand a lot of time and attention and I have stepkids who have been vicious towards me. I still think that the oldest stepdaughter is a covert narc but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. The youngest daughter is a diagbosed bipolar but she is so narcissistic also like a Lesser narc. She does the dirty work for her older sister in terms of being verbally offensive and screaming and lashing out. Although now that I went GOSO, I got a holiday hoover from the youngest daughter. She told her dad that one thing that she misses from the Thanksgiving here (now that they are not invited) was the crab bisque that I make every year. I always enjoy compliments especially since ahe was telling the truth that the food is really always good. But I just took the compliment, I am staying with my GOSO because through the years they didn’t look me in the eye when we ate together, they sulked the whole time, thet gave me glances like I was so disdainful and they never told me that the food was good, and if their dad would bring the concersation about me they were always so insulting and critical. If she had been nice or at least decent to me then she would have had crab bisque this year but she had to be rude.

  12. Veronique Jones says:

    My last narcissist Was very interested in whether or not I had left my husband after he found out things were not good between us and I do should I say dead feel more for him than I ever wanted to I pushed him out after that I told him I was unhappy about him knowing about my personal life Honestly I didn’t want to temptation he got very cruel broke my heartI really am against cheating my mother cheated on my father and I don’t know who my biological father id and I never will so I will never cheat It’s not just your partner you cheating on that your children I cannot say I would never leave but I would always give myself time to move on before involving myself with another person Hopefully not another narcissist
    HG Have you ever been knocked back by Married women? If so how does it feel and is that why I copped so much from him We are enemies now

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. Every battle is won before it is ever fought.

  13. Sarah says:

    HG, what about jealousy? Wouldn’t the N be jealous and bitter that the candidate IPPS or IPSS goes home to their husband? How would they react to that?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They would not be an IPPS if they returned to their husband. If as an IPSS there would be jealousy, yes. The reaction would depend on the school of narcissist and where the interaction between the narcissist and the IPSS is at – for example, is the narcissist hoovering or is the IPSS on the shelf.

      1. Sarah says:

        Thanks HG. I meant *candidate* IPPS along with an IPSS.

        Jealousy is not only a curse, it is now a BIG RED FLAG 🚩

      2. Lori says:

        When I wax Can Ipss he didn’t even like seeing pics of me with my husband. Actually neither of us could stand seeing the other witb the spouse.

      3. Joanne says:

        I think my role now is shelved IPSS. All I am getting is bread crumbs. God, this is the worst feeling. HG, will you be doing some married target follow ups? I just listened to “Dirty Empath” – very enlightening.

  14. ifonlymommy says:

    Do you nap? I mean…whew. I’ll never understand it but they (you peeps) flock to me like a moth to a flame and I can’t shake you people. I understand how you think but the whys never add up to me. Not that I don’t believe what I know and what you say, it’s just I don’t get the point. I guess that’s the point. Haha. To stroke the ego with such meaningless conquests is yawnable yet it fuels you, gives you power. It’s so much work for nothing.

    I’ll admit, researching and being surrounded (even though shaking you off like it’s a new type of exercise) by individuals as yourself is interesting. Mainly because I’m still sometimes shocked by the contrast in my way of thinking, being, feeling. Yes, I’m obviously a hugger, lover, on the empath spectrum (if that’s even a thing). I’m like a bright beam calling your internal twinsies home. Blinding…eh 😆.

    All I have to say is, the hills are alive with the sound of music. Go ahead and try to get some play clothes made out of old drapes 😉. I do, I do, I do believe I’m Vontrappin’ out 🎤.

  15. wissh says:

    Once again spot on HG. I knew fairly early on that narcex thought it was fine to date married women, “as long as everyone knew about it.” 🙄

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