Just Once. But It Is Enough

 

 

JUST THE ONCE. BUT IT IS ENOUGH

Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you. Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the once.

But it is enough.

Enough for the ensnarement to continue.

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49 thoughts on “Just Once. But It Is Enough”

  1. I’m gradually finding comfort in the silence. For when there is silence, I don’t have to worry about him harming me. What was once done to me to make me feel like I had no power is now giving me a sense of power every day that I don’t reach out I feel a sense of a power shift. I can literally feel a shift and since I be felt the shift, I notice him doing what I believe to be little things to get my attention like unknow call, fake profile requests and commenting on a mutual friends post where he know I’ve commevted.

    Is it normal or common to feel a shift like this. Dies the Narcissist feel this shift and hence the passive hoover ?

    1. Lori
      When your logical thinking (LT) starts to take hold, you have more control over your emotional thinking (ET) and that feeling or shift is normal. It is a good sign, the balance of power is in your favor.

  2. Finally getting past this point now. I don’t text. You see the silent treatment is a double edged sword. It eventually conditions you not to contact because you know you will only get silence.

    Hg is a Narcissist aware of this ? I mean initially the silent treatment is designed to get a reaction but at some point has diminishing returns

    1. The lack of response will be noticed and will either cause a shift to a different form of manipulation or cause engagement with an alternative appliance, dependent on certain factors pertinent to the dynamic.

      1. I don’t know if it’s my imagination but I can almost feel this very thing coming on. I swear sometimes I can almost feel his feelings even though I have no contact with him

        I am honestly a bit fearful to not acknowledge his birthday. I’m not going to acknowledge it but will that induce sort of action against me? I always have the excuse of didn’t you block me?

      2. Lori
        If you are no contact, you will never know if it bothered him. In my experience narcs focus on the attention they received for their birthdays, not on the people who did not acknowledge them. Why focus on a criticism when there is adulation to be enjoyed?

      3. See I see it as the opposite. What they get easily seems become mundane and the way I see it is they can never ignore a criticism as that’s why this disorder started in the first place.

        I have no intention of contacting him. I tend to know if something has effected him because he starts popping up online places that he knows he’ll find me then comment. I also see other little things like making Instagram public, unknown calls, fake friend requests. I have had a flurry of that activity. It’s almost like him waving a flag that says Lori you are supposed to be contacting me so I can Ignore you.

      4. Lori,
        I feel the same exact way. I feel like he is in my head and knows how I’m feeling and he reacts and responds (or ignores me) accordingly.

        One example is I will reach out to him and he will just ignore and blow me off (haha pun not intended) completely. Then another time when I do the same he will respond instantaneously.

        It’s either all (immediate) or nothing (ignoring). And he always has a “sixth sense” about it because when I get ignored I will (usually) back off and then it’s like he “knows” I’m then backing off. And then he reaches out again. Lather rinse repeat.

      5. If he shows up on social networks he knows you use and he can seek you out on posts, you are not implementing no contact. Block him completely on this sites. Plus, block her a number.

      6. He has me blocked which in becoming more and more comfortable witth. I can only say that I feel a shift in the dynamic. I am almost enjoying the fact that I don’t contact him. I am not doing anything to grab his attention. I believe it’s him that’s doing it but I have no proof. I didn’t say a word when when Thanksgiving passed. I’m certain he expected I would contact and another special ocassion passed and nothing. I can almost feel him thinking about how he may be losing some control now. As I said, I have no proof at all o can only say I sense it. I am. A true believe that Narcissists and true Codepebdents have a 6th sense about each other that we pick up on each other’s energy and can sense when something has shifted

    2. For months now I had this all wrong. I felt that I was disengaged from because I was blocked on fb and haven’t been spoken to in 6 months. I think most normal people would see if that way but some of it didn’t quite fit in that I’m not blocked from his phone. I didn’t see it as shelfing because there were no comfort crumbs. It wasn’t till I read the sips and narcissist piece 3 times that it came together that I was shell shocked by him telling me another ipss has entered the picture and put on the shelf with a lengthy silent treatment due to me challlengung him meanwhile he gets fuel from other ipss s and I’m punished until he feels I have atoned for my sin. Last time I received a corrective devaluation. It was 2 months so this time it had to be much longer. The silence isn’t disengagement. It is him asserting his superiority and establishing control. If this had been disengagement I would have been blocked everywhere. Believe me they are quite adept at blocking. Bottom line is that if they have left any channel of communication open, it’s cause they want.and expect to hear from you.

      I expect that I may be disengaged from while on the shelf when I fail to acknowledge his birthday

      1. The first time I didn’t acknowledge the narc ex on his birthday felt very weird, but also somewhat exciting. I was letting him know that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. It felt final… I knew that there was no turning back after that.

        Subsequent occasions have been easy – I don’t really think about it anymore and the HEC have been set so high that I expect it will take a chance encounter to trigger a hoover.

      2. Morning Sun

        For some reason, I know the not acknowledging his birthday though he didn’t acknowledge mine is the point of no return. I know that he is expecting it even though we don’t speak. I’m fairly certain that will be the straw that leads to complete disengagement while on the shelf which is really ok. It’s really the best thing that could happen

    3. Lori, reading your responses on here is like reading my own story! Interesting that you say you have reached a point where you don’t text because you know you will only be ignored. I am in the same position – blocked on Facebook but not on the phone. I’ve only sent around four texts in five months of silence but they have all been ignored. I finally got fed up of getting no response and turned up at his house. He did let me in and after initially being hostile, then did a sudden turn and was very charming and engaging. That was nearly two months ago now and I haven’t contacted him since. There is absolutely no point. He confirmed that night that he had received and read my texts (he was able to recount one almost word for word) so I know that he has deliberately ignored me.
      What you say about him popping up online also resonates with me. Since he blocked me on Facebook I have been getting regular views on my business page. I have no proof but am certain they are him. I’d get them for a few weeks, then they’d stop, I’d text and get no response, then they’d start up again. Since I went to see him the views have changed pattern. Daily views for a week, then a break of a few days, then another week of views. In total this month I have had 15 days of views so far, whereas the most in a month before was 12. The difference being that I have not reached out this time when the views have stopped.
      I’m just hoping he will eventually try a different tactic or give up. After five months of this game I’m getting fed up!

      1. Claire

        Thank you for responding. Nice to see someone who is having my sake experience. If you are an ipss you have not been disengaged but more likely shelfed

        Can I ask your business page was that on Facebook? Are you able to gather data on who viewed ? The reason I ask is I found out he had a public figure page. I’ve looked at it but I stopped because I feared he might know.

        Fortunately for me he is not close to me geographically. Did he tell you why he blocked. You on Facebook?

        The online stuff really is quite bizarre. I have no way of proving or knowing for sure that he was the unknow.n calla or the fake friend requests, but that sure would be quite the coincidence for that happen 2 days before and 1 day after my birthday. I’m sure he expected contact after my birthday passed and nothing but I did not. Then a mutual friend who is very close to me geographically posted making referebce about where we live and I commented. He knew I would comment and though he couldn’t see what I said I knew he counted the number of comments to see if I commented and sure enough the poster made reference to him so I know he commented. He’s never been a frequent user of Instagram nor have I but something told me to look there it was a public pic of him looking all fit.

        I think once I get thru this month I’ll be ok. I have more urge to post here and talk then I do to contact him eventually after being ignored so many times they fail to elicit any more reactions

        from you so they prod you very subtly online.

        I am gaining more strength each day I don’t contact and my desire to do so has significantly declined

        I’ll always be in one of his spheres because we share many mutual friends At the end of the day, I am old supply to him and he is not interested in speaking with me untill he is away long enough that I become new again. There will be no again. I know what he is and there is no curing it. It just one big cycle

      2. Lori, I don’t think this is going in the right place but here goes….

        My business page is on Facebook, yes. You can’t get specific data on who looked at your page. The insights will tell you how many views, total number of people who viewed, and what device was used eg mobile or computer.

        I get notifications if I get a new view on my page. This is someone searching up my page and viewing it, not an existing follower. So it’s possible that if you have searched his page then he will have had a notification but he won’t know definitively that it is you – he can only make assumptions.

        With the activity on my page it has taken me five months to really accept that it is him. I had my suspicions at first but with the amount of views I am getting I would have expected to have had more new followers or interaction on specific posts, which I haven’t had. Plus the insights show that, even if I’ve had four views, it is one person and from a mobile device. So when I put that together with the timing of when they first started, the pattern of them stopping intermittently and restarting after I make contact, then the significant increase since I went to see him two months ago and haven’t made contact since…..I have no doubt that it is him.

        He blocked me on Facebook after he FaceTimed to tell me about his new girlfriend and I challenged him by saying that he should have told me sooner and not maintained contact with me because he’d given me false hope of getting back together. He started posting publicly after blocking me though and did a lot of posts parading and showing what a great life he was having. I think he has changed his settings now though because there hasn’t been a post for a month.

        I realise that by continuing to check up ok him I am not really no contact but the fact that I haven’t tried to reach out for two months is a big step forward for me.

        Can I ask Lori how long you have been involved with your N and I’d he has ever shelved you and returned of his own accord, without you reaching out first?

      3. This is pretty much what happened to me. I was ab ipss as we are both married. This was going on for 3 years and we talked pretty much everyday. Things ha d been strained and then all of a sudden he would take hours to respond when it used to be minutes then I said are you talking to someone else and he said yes. He did the same thing to his wife. He said he had 2 affairs. Oh yeah I’m calling bullshit on that. That happened in January. We talked little usually fought and he blocked me in April or May and we havent spoken since. Through our the summer I would text every couple of weeks and nothing. I could tell a couple of times he’d block me but days sometimes hours later unblock me. At one point I txt him to tell him that one of his friends friended me and that I had nothing to do with it, well he went under one of his fake profiles that he didn’t know I knew about friebded that friend to see if it was that friend cause I didn’t disclose which friend of his did it but he picked the right one friebded him to see if I was on the friends list then blocked me from that profile too. Then the fake profile requests started coming. I didn’t accept and a couple of unknown calls. I text him said you know I need to make a clean break and change my number. 2 days later an unknown call. 2 days before my b day a fake profile request, 1 dat after my b day another fake profile request. Right after Thanksgiving I can see he’s commenting on a mutual friends post that I had commented on. He knew I commented. I hapoened to go on Instagram I never do his profile now public.

        Think that sums it up

  3. Pingback: Just Once. But It Is Enough ⋆ NarcTopia | NarcTopia
  4. Yep. 😕

    I almost called today and felt the trepidation. I didn’t call.

    The fact that you know that I’m conversing with the ghost of your presence….that creeps me out. And the work bio? how do you know? I feel like there’s a camera in my life and you know exactly what’s going on with me right down to the itty-bitty detail ….

    Anyway yep…all of it.

    Mind fuck.

    1. Good you didn’t call, FOTS. It’s a big thing, because just one call would put you back to square one.
      In your comments about the narcissist, I always recognize a lot of the way I was treated. The situation was completely different, but the behaviour so similar, almost creepy!
      I feel that way about some of HG’s articles as well. Sometimes I get paranoid, start thinking I’m in The Truman (Rachel) Show, and the entire world is watching me and lauging me out. It is just so spot on, it’s creeping me out.
      It’s also that recognition that makes this site so attractive. I think I have a good no contact regime, but everything described in this article makes me rethink. What’s it worth if I still allow the good memories in? I have control over my phone and email, but I can’t control my thoughts. I meditate, I read, but I can’t erase the narcissist. And he’s not that great, really. Not a catch at all! It’s just been such a mind fuck, and the lack of closure doesn’t help either.

      1. The struggle is real FOTS but you gotta try and you may fail a few times. I have but each time I gain a little strength and I can say now I’m the longest no contact I have ever been and have less and less urge to contact. My logical thinking is taking stronger hold now. I logically know that he does not love me, the wife or the new Ipss. They do not have it better than me. I logically know this. They cannot and I repeat cannot love anyone no matter how it appears. It is not possible.

        I pray you get out of this FOTS and start taking care of yourself and do things you like to do. Take up a new hobby etc … and put this leech and your addiction behind you. There’s someone out there waiting for you but they can’t find you because you are still caught up in something that will end in copious amounts of pain. Detach yourself from this and the person that’s supposed to find you will.

        You can do this

    2. Hi Gabby,
      You’re doing the very best thing for you. Someone is finally meeting your needs and putting YOU first, and not using you.
      I’m pleased for you, even though I’m sure it hurts like a thousand bandaids being ripped off your heart every day.
      Good for you! We are all cheering for you. We want you to be happy, but respected in the process.
      Do you have a psychologist that can support you?

      1. Unfortunately not at the current moment. I did but I had to stop due to the cost. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the theory she told me that “Piano Boy” is my mother. And I continue to seek him out in a manner to recreating my childhood issues.

      2. Gabby,
        Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
        I understand that having a therapist is expensive.
        The comment about Piano Boy being your mother is profound and strange, but not surprising.
        I realised that I was working out issues with my N-mum and N-sister in every female friendship I had, and issues with my dad in every romantic one. I observed my brother working out issues with N-mum in his relationships too. We have a huge amount of vulnerability, as children of Ns, that we are completely unaware of.

        I’m working through aspects of trauma bonding at the moment; there’s such a great amount of information to assimilate, and realise the repercussions of.
        I’ve just remembered saying to ex-N “I hate being needy and vulnerable”. I DO hate that. He just didn’t do anything to make me NOT feel needy and vulnerable. We ARE needy and vulnerable. It’s a crappy feeling when there’s no one there but yourself to lean on.
        I recently realised that the ‘no one there’ feeling was familiar to me in childhood, even though I didn’t have words for it. I spent some time in the babies’ home, had my third birthday there, and I remember a bleakness washing over me then. I’d blocked it out until now.
        Ex-N was the first man to make me feel safe, and that was the strongest mind-crack known to womankind. I’m aware that he had such a profound affect on me because of that little vulnerable person I was.

        I recently read Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and I’m wondering have you come across it? It describes us and our struggles so well, and gives a greater depth of understanding which builds on from the groundwork that HG has done at narcsite.
        Did I read that you have children? You probably don’t have a minute to yourself to do much reading at all. You probably don’t even get to finish a cup of tea, or eat properly.
        If you want to bounce any ideas off someone who is working through her own issues with life and Ns, feel free to do that with me. Nothing shocks me, and there is no judgment at all. I need lots of kindness and acceptance myself, and I’m a work in progress.

      3. Caroline,
        I still do not think my mother was/is a Narc. I use the tenses of “was/is” as I no longer associate with her. She is severely mentally ill with many narc “traits”. Mainly no boundary recognition, physical abuse (hair pulling, slapping, spitting, until I was old enough to fight back) and a distorted perception of reality. Life with her was a rollercoaster (when she was present)….when she was absent it was because she was in the hospital or she would be asleep for days (due to her constant changing medications). My therapist had said that my relationship with Piano Boy was me “living through all of that” but wanting to be “chosen” each time. Something to that affect. And also seeking his attention and so on. Certain things made sense but other things did not. Some of the sexual things came to the forefront and really freaked me out. I am not dismissing the theory entirely as it has merit. But the unstable childhood is definitely a factor.

      4. FOTS

        Do you see the similarity of your mother and Piano in the following?:

        No boundary recognition
        Distorted perception of reality
        Your life being a rollercoaster with both
        Long absences (including present in the case of your mother)
        You wanting to be chosen by both and seeking their attention

        If recognizing those things allowed you no longer associate with your own mother, what do you see as stopping you with Piano?

      5. I honestly don’t know how to answer that. All I know is that I loathe my mother for many reasons and we’ve ceased communicating since February of this year. We were strained way before that. Piano Boy frustrates me but I don’t loathe him. I crave him. Yeah I’m still trying to make sense of it all. 😣

      6. “Yeah I’m still trying to make sense of it all.”

        FOTS, isn’t it exactly that what keeps you in the cycle with your Piano boy? I remember reading another comment of yours where you wrote that you cannot make sense of his behaviour. You write that you crave him, a person who breezes in and out of your life and leaves you confused and hurt. What are you trying to prove to yourself? Is it hope that this time, it will be different with someone who, apparently, frustrates and neglects you again? I think both Lori and NA make valid points.

      7. If I’m guessing girl, I would guess that if another Narc stepped in right now Piano would be left to play alome. You aren’t in love with him. You’re addicted to the highs and lows and the dynamic is familiar to you bevause it was similar to your childhood. You have equated these roller coaster feelings with love because this is the way the one person who you were taught should love you unconditionally treated you.

        It’s like you are addicted to the slot machine. You keep playing because he gives you hope that maybe just maybe you’ll be good enough to get the big pay off and then you can feel “good enough”

      8. Hi FOTS
        I agree hundred percent with what NA, C, Lori. You will be free of piano man, once someone other comes into Your life who can appreciate you as you are og give you love. Loving yourself is a hard thing for you but it will come. If you have been his IPPS, you would have left him long back as you did With Your mother. But to leave a man, when you are his ipss is very difficult, as he has not devalued you at a closer distance. You still see hope With him as he is far from you. His silent treatment from a distance is not a big deal, compared to if he would have been hiting you or humiliating you in front of others.
        I have experienced the same, thus I know it.

      9. Gabby
        Thank you for explaining, and I apologise for not having all the facts to hand. Mother/daughter relationships are complex and painful.
        We are complex creatures, and things of life can take time to figure out. Busyness of life can crowd out time to do that, or overwhelm the voice of our subconscious mind. I often need a metaphorical dream to join the dots for me, and then further reflection time alone.
        I thought I’d mention that I like to call you by your name, and not refer to you as an appliance, or rejected fuel (FOTS); it goes against my principles of protecting a person’s dignity and innate human value. You deserve to be treated with respect, as do we all.

      10. Thank you Caroline. I have been meaning to change my screen name for awhile but have no clue what to change it to.

      11. I don’t know about renaming FOTS but maybe we should call her narc The Penist.

      12. Narc Angel…..Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

        He would probably enjoy that. One of his screennames has the word “Pianist” in it and he always would joke that people used to misspell and mistype it as “Penis”.

        Seeing as how he found it funny I do not think it would have the desired “wounding” affect. But it is still funny!

  5. Attention is the bait used by predators. It is all about control.

    A basic human need is exploited by those who are incapable of nondependently effectively internally managing their emotional state, but rather feed parasitically on their targets.

    It is all completely horrific. These are criminal acts.

    The victims cannot be considered as giving legitimate consent because they have not been provided with accurate information and time to reflect on it in a nonpressured state.

  6. When I lived in Fresno the fog would be so thick that it was like opening a door into a cloud. That is the story of how I have been since ending my Relationship with D. I have done everything you have said not to do and have experienced most of the effects of being involved with a narcissist. I am who you say I am and I took great pride in it. Now thanks to reading your blog I see what really happened.
    Yes it is paramount to figure out what happened and get my life back on track.
    I have a mother who is a narcissist and have been very Pollyanna in my approach to making the best of it not knowing what I was fighting against. My former, D, was the one who scoured the web to find an article that talked about no contact. She was so supportive of me in going no contact. Now with this new perspectives (thanks to you) I am pretty certain that it was really so that I didn’t have to siphon off any fuel to my mother that she wanted for herself. After all my mother has three other children who will supply her and a new husband. D would have preferred that I cut the supply off to my son as well but being very high functioning she realized that would not shed a sunny spotlight on her. I mean, who would approve of her keeping her partner away from her son as I am a devoted Mom? My friends were abandoned along the way for the most part. Some have been lost altogether but some are still standing by my side. I am going to ACA meetings and have done Ketamine therapy. Both have made it so that I am mentally able to keeping breathing. What you have given through your blog has helped lift the last vestiges of a terrible sadness and loneliness.
    Thank you. I am grateful.

    1. Well I was looking at HG’s new meme. A side profile pic of his neck and chin. An expose… of sorts.

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