The Rules of Ex Club – No. 4


20 thoughts on “The Rules of Ex Club – No. 4

  1. Nika 💜 says:

    Sometimes it is Reactive Abuse…

  2. Abigail says:

    Hg, when the current IPPS is in devaluation are all exes then painted white or just some? If it is just some then how is that determined if the exes have gone no contact.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They become white, subject to any ongoing interaction which may cause them to remain black. Thus, if there is an ex who is subjected to an ongoing malice campaign, they may very well remain painted black even though the current IPPS is in devaluation. The other exes will be white but that does not mean they will be approached of course as that remains governed by the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria.

    2. Anm says:

      It also depends on the type of narcissist. One of my exes is a cerebral ex, the determination of my White/Black usually has to do with his Mother’s black and white thinking, who is his Non-Intimate-IPPS. Weird, I know.
      My daughter’s father is what I now believe is a Somatic Upper Lesser. I am in a Malign Campaign with him. The Malign Hoover’s intensity and frequency does rely on what phase he is at with his current IPPS. But I am always in Black. What sucks about this malign campaign, is that this narcissist has alsk built his facade and extracts fuel from many sources based off of my “treachery”. He is getting worst with age.

  3. Trin Tragula says:

    I am seriously considering starting up a SURVIVOR OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE support group in my local area because the nearest one is much too far from here. Understand: It really would be my empathic desire to help others that would be my greatest impetus.
    Nevertheless, I cannot help but wonder: If my (mid range) narc ex ever found out I was doing such a thing, how annoyed would she be, if at all?
    I know I should not care about such a thing, but I can’t resist wondering, not yet anyway.
    (Not that I would do anything to let her know. No, it’s not like that.)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      She will not see that she is one since she is MR but if reference was made to you organising such a forum and the impetus was her, it would wound or challenge.

  4. Michelle says:

    Hg, I remember my ex’s eyes turning black once when he raged out. Have any of your exes ever told you your eyes turn black when you get mad? If so that would be a very interesting blog entry.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They have, although we were in a coal mine at the time. No, seriously, they have said that to me.

      1. Clarece says:

        Out of all of your past relationships, who has ignited your fury the most? I guess I’m asking if there are specific relationships that you recall you received the most challenge fuel from or really fought with a lot? Does that keep that person painted “black” to you longer and affect you ever wanting to hoover them (dependent on the hoover criteria). I know “conditions” have to be right to hoover, however do they cross your mind more frequently if the relationship was more stormy?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That will be revealed in Asylum of the Grotesque.

      2. Caroline R says:

        Coal mine.
        Ha ha!

  5. mommypino says:

    Ahhh… the mid-rangers; always the poor victims.

  6. Pauline says:


    I would be delighted if you could write an article about the dynamics between two mid-range narcissists in the intimate relationship. Is it possible? Are they attracted to each other? How does it look like?

    I think my ex is hooked on one and I don’t know if they already had a “commited relationship” or not, but all I can see is that they play dirty all the time. Lots of mind games, mutual hoovering, triangulation, attention seeking from other sources when there is silent tratment, mutual hoovering again – total roller coaster, it looks like they can’t reach the steady point. When he gives her silent treatment, she hoovers her ex or finds other “friend” to play with, when she does this, he starts to hoover his exes, when he hoovers his exes, she seeks attention from him and starts to hoover him, then there is short reconciliation, then they fight and all process begins all over again.

    It is only my assumption she is a mid ranger so I would love to read a post about this dynamic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is in hand.

  7. Confused says:

    Hmmmm yeah – the ex club rules are so hauntingly accurate, HG, it’s frightening!

    I escaped after discovering a blatant lie. My MRN tried to hoover. I said no. He tried again. I said no. This was before I had discovered this blog otherwise I would have gone to no contact straight away.

    After my last no he pretended to others and himself that he finished with me. He turned it around so as to make it sound that he dumped me because I was verbally abusing him, constantly started the fights. He told me in one last message that he had lied to me because I made him do it, that’s how crazy and manipulative I was.

    And guess what: His most recent ex before me (ex minus 1) abused him apparently.

    The ex before that (= ex minus 2): when we met she was his “friend” but because I said (during the golden period) that she wasn’t my kind of person he shelved her. I started having doubts about him then. I would not leave a friend because my new love interest wasn’t keen on him / her!?! She was invited to make a reappearance during devaluation.

    The ex before the “friend” (= ex minus 3 and second wife): an “angel” apparently but sadly depressed, so depressed it was impossible to stay married. Apparently he had done everything for her, everything he could, taken her to the clinic and all that. I shudder to think what would have happened to me if I had stayed… Turns out that he had cheated on her (with ex minus 5) before they got married. He and ex minus 3 got a divorce after a reunion didn’t work out. He had hoovered minus 3 successfully after another affair (with ex minus 4) couldn’t successfully be turned into a relationship. Ex minus 4 was labelled as somewhat evil.

    Obviously it goes further back on the minus ex scale but I spare you the details. It is only now that I fully comprehend how all the bits and pieces he told me over the course of our relationship make narcissistic and fuel-harvesting sense.

    The thing is, I actually knew the golden rule never to date anybody who badmouthes their exes, and since he seemed to be speaking kindly about my other predecessors, I assumed he really HAD suffered abuse himself…. Plus he KNEW about narcissistic abuse – he even had the book “Stalking the Soul” in his book shelf and recommended it to me. I am convinced that he believes what he is projecting onto me rather than being a calculating evil man who let me see his rulebook.

    This brings me to my question: how to separate narcissists who think they have been abused by narcissists – can even detail all the criteria they have read in self-help books, might even be reading and recommending this blog – from co-dependents and the other possible players in narcissistic relationships that aren’t narcissists?

    I really get confused by this because my truth has been eroded too – am I perhaps a narcissist reading this blog without realising?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, you are not.

      1. Less confused says:

        Thanks a lot – v reassuring. Happy x-mas to everyone. Dunno where I‘d be without this blog. Probably trying to scramble out of a hoover bag.

  8. KittieKelly says:

    In my case, not only the exes were ‘abusers’ but also the current primary supply!

  9. Christopher Jackson says:

    I’m sure ….its never your fault

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