The Victim’s Cloak


The Victim.

I know there are those who do not like that word. They regard it as stigmatising and a hindrance to recovery. One understands such an approach, but nevertheless it is the appropriate word for those who have encountered our kind in the narcissistic dynamic. What does victim mean?

‘a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action’

There is no denying this would apply to someone who has been ensnared by us.

‘a person who is tricked or duped’

Equally applicable. After all, it is the very essence of our behaviour that we trick or dupe you.

‘a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment’

Accurate again. Of course not everybody may feel this way, but many will readily recognise it, even if they prefer not to announce it.

Accordingly, these various definitions are valid and accurate to those who have been involved with our kind, be it romantic, social, familial or otherwise.

It remains the case, however, that when it comes to the issue of victimhood and who gets to wear The Victim’s Cloak that once more our kind exhibits our well known hypocrisy. We regard you as the victim (we have to as this is part of the maintenance of our control and need for superiority) but we also then look to remove that victim status from you.

The various schools of narcissism approach this double standard in differing ways, in respect of how we stamp you with ‘Victim’ but then deny you any use or recognition of it. We both adorn you with the cloak and then remove it in some way.

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser treats you as a victim because you are beneath him or her. You are considered useless, in the way and an annoyance and your dithering, inability to second guess the Lesser results in a swift ignition of fury and its manifestation as usually heated fury. You are made to feel the victim, by being lambasted verbally, physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, demeaned, having your property destroyed and seeing others you cared about drawn into the whirlwind.

The Victim’s Cloak is rapidly placed around your shoulders through this treatment of you but then the Lesser immediately rips it away, shreds it and hurls it to one side so you cannot use it. Your victimhood is created through an aggressive act or acts. However, you are not allowed to retain the mantle of victim because the Lesser takes the firm view that whatever treatment has been applied against you, well, you deserved it.

“She was back chatting me so she got a slap.”

“He was lousy in bed so I told him how useless he is.”

“The house was a mess, so I smashed it up so she really had something to clean up.”

You are denied the status of victim because in the mind of the Lesser you brought the treatment on yourself. The fact you deserve it negates the sympathy, compassion and understanding that would ordinarily be afforded to a victim.

“Leave her be, she deserves what she got, quit fussing over her.”

“It’s for his own good, so he will get it right next time.”

“Stop mollycoddling that boy, he has to learn and I am teaching him.”

Of course, this conduct by the Lesser of branding you the victim through your mis-treatment and then the wrenching away of your cloak of victimhood is all part of the further control and manipulation. His knee-jerk response will have generated fuel from your reaction to being struck or shouted at, but then, as the victim, you are usually afforded concern, sympathy and help by others. The Lesser may find himself being triangulated by a concerned relative, friend or bystander. This erodes his control and unconsciously his own innate status as a victim comes to the fore. He does not recognise this. After all, he does not want the cloak to wear for himself, he is nota victim, hell no, he is better than that, but just as he believes he does not want that cloak, you are not allowed to wear it either and thus he will deny you any entitlements associated with being classed as a victim, purely because his own inherent victim status (albeit unrecognised) makes its presence known.

Even a Lesser who belongs to the Victim cadre does not consider himself as a victim. Unconsciously he does, but he considers his preferential treatment owing to his poor health, dodgy back or sheer bad luck, an entitlement of his. He will not regard himself as a victim, but someone who ought to be looked after, although of course he is playing the card of Victim cadre extensively. Why play this card? Simple. To stop you being allowed to be the victim. You have hurt your hand and cannot cook? Too bad, he is hungry and not able to walk, so you still have to do something. You feel faint? He has a fractured eyelash and you need to get him to the hospital quick smart. But remember, he is not a victim, you are, but you do not get any sympathy, consolation or help for being that victim. Thus you receive the cloak but you are not allowed to wear it and it is ripped up and thrown away.

The Mid Range Narcissist

The Mid-Ranger will treat you as a victim because they are the perpetrator of various abuses and manipulations against you. Whilst heated fury does manifest with the Mid Range Narcissist (usually the Lower Mid Ranger), the manifestation of fury is most usual through cold fury. Thus you receive the Present and Absent Silent Treatments, the smearing, the gas lighting, the Cold Shoulders and the The Incredible Sulk to name but a few of the manipulations that are available to the Mid Range Narcissist.

The Mid Ranger treats you as the victim, as these abuses are doled out against you and one might expect that the array of emotional, financial, sexual and most of all psychological abuses that the Mid Ranger uses would mean that The Victim’s Cloak would settle snugly about your shoulders.


The Mid Ranger plucks that cloak from you and places it about his or her shoulders. It is theircloak. You are not allowed the trappings of being a victim because you are not entitled to support or concerned attention. No, that must be directed towards the Mid Ranger. Whilst he rejects the notion of weakness that is often associated with the status of being a victim, he believes he is the victim.

“I cannot believe I was passed over for promotion. I have been discriminated against and I am the best candidate.”

“I cannot begin to tell you how terribly she treats me.”

“I am never invited to see the grand children by my daughter. I don’t know what I have done wrong, but she is intent on making my life miserable.”

The Mid Range Narcissist wants the cloak. It is his by right and he wants everything that goes with it. He wants the Pity Party, the Commiseration Conference and the Sympathy Symposium. He is the victim don’t you know? Show some support, offer a concerned look, ask how he is, suggest a way of helping, agree that he is hard done to, down trodden and treated appallingly and after everything that he has done.

Tell the Mid Range that she deserves to be treated better, that she is well-regarded and this person who has not done what they wanted is an awful, despicable person and an abuser.

The Mid-Ranger always plays the victim even though they are the perpetrator. You are the victim because you are the one who is abused, but the Mid Ranger will never see it that way and he or she will not let anybody regard it that way as she or he pouts and twirls in their Victim’s Cloak. You can never be afforded the ‘benefits’ that should be afforded to the true victim.

Should the Mid-Ranger be of the Victim Cadre also, then order plenty of tissues because he or she will grab that Victim Cloak from you and grimacing, stitch it onto themselves, passing needle and thread through aching skin so that they can never be parted from that cloak.

The Greater

The Greater will never consciously consider him or herself as a victim. Never. After all, we are the hunters, the predators, the ones that targets and finds our prey. Not only that, we need only look at what we do, what we achieve and how we are regarded and this underlines and reinforces that we are not victims.

We do however utilise the notion of being a victim to drive our behaviours but we do not label it as being a victim. No, instead we consider it to be based on revenge. We recognise that the world is a treacherous place, full of untrustworthy charlatans and liars who come with great promises and then who fail to deliver. The simpering and fawning lick spittles who flatter to deceive, although we naturally see through all of that. Yet still, that behaviour, unwarranted and unjustified means we could consider ourselves victims (if we truly would lower ourselves in such a way). However,  we are above that and once we were victims (although we see no reason to be reminded of that fact because we escaped it) means that you, him, her and everyone else will be punished if you even hint at returning us to that almost forgotten state of victimhood.

We have no desire to wear The Victim’s Cloak. It does not belong to us. It is not our size, colour and is made of material that is inferior to us. You are absolutely regarded as the victim because this game we play with you (and one which we revel in) means you have to be the victim because that means we win and you lose. Oh, this cloak is yours alright but just like the Lesser and the Mid-Range narcississt we will deny you any right to wear it. Why should you be afforded any sympathy, support or help? You should not and here’s why ; you deserve to be punished, you have nothing to complain about.

We have given you the world by your association with us and therefore how on earth can you have any basis for complaint? You brought this treatment on yourself, so not only do you deserve it (akin to the view point of the Lesser Narcissist) it goes further than that, it is right and just for you to be treated that way. Should the criminal be afforded sympathy when his sentence is announced? No. Should the morally repugnant member of the community be afforded kindness for his heinous behaviour? No. Then, neither shall you.

You are denied the accoutrements of the status of victim. You are the victim, absolutely but you will not wear that cloak. It does not even reach your shoulders as it does with the victim of the Lesser Narcissist. We forbid it coming anywhere near you. We are the supreme judge of your fate and we always apply the maxim of

‘commodum ex injuria sua nemo habere’

Did you not know that has been stitched into the lining of the Victim’s Cloak? Of course, this maxim is not applicable to us.


8 thoughts on “The Victim’s Cloak

  1. Michelle says:

    My Narc Friend made sure that all the single women around him knew how badly he had been treated. “Sometimes you build up something really great for a woman, and it’s still not good enough,” he would lament. “It’s left me so bitter, I just don’t know if I can try again.” And right there, he’d have you. This handsome, intelligent man, trying so hard to please a woman, and rejected? Well, that woman must be so spoiled and entitled, she just didn’t know how good she had it! Come here, Narc Friend, and I will show you how well a woman can treat a man. And while you were busy trying to “persuade” him that someone would appreciate his greatness, he’d have 3-4 other similar relationships happening on various apps with women in other countries along with an actual committed girlfriend. Because he’d never reveal this or cave in the other scenarios, the rest of the women would be firmly hooked, still trying to win his broken little heart, thinking that he was just too hesitant to move forward until they have proven their appreciation for him. In a weird way, you have to appreciate the genius of it all.

    1. E. B. says:

      Hi Michelle,
      Your friend reminds me of a female MRN friend of mine. She complained about men who had rejected her. She used to tell me “Well, he doesn’t know what he’s missing… a ‘Little Gem’ like me.” 🙂 It was amusing. She was not the only MRN frenemy who was convinced to be a real gem for men. These women looked humble and decent when in front of men.

  2. lisk says:

    I thought my ex-narc was a Greater, but by this “victim” account, he is definitely a Mid-Ranger. His brother, his father, his ex-wife, and ALL the girlfriends that left him (he never left anyone, according to his stories), his former bosses—they all treated him like crap and ruined his life. I’m sure I ruined it, too, but I’m no longer around to hear the smear story.

  3. veronicajones1969 says:

    Anyone ensnared by your kind is at a high risk of victimisation I agree and to allow us to get any recognition or support for that would take attention away from your kind and potential criticism from those around you however, we are not all victims I personally think of myself as a survivor not a victim my self worth is quite healthy
    To be completely honest I am not sure what your kind find so attractive about me , no matter what is done to me I will never give up or let anyone break me and I will walk away . It would definitely be better for me if your kind would just stay away from me I have zero respect for narcissists on any level no offence to you, I don’t want revenge or anything I just don’t want them around they are a killjoy with everything I get a lot of joy from making people happy, narcissists always find some reason to be unhappy about everything they are always looking for the bad in life and frankly it’s exhausting

    1. E. B. says:

      Hello veronicajones,
      Re “I am not sure what your kind find so attractive about me.”

      Narcissists target people with low self-esteem and vulnerabilities such as those who are naïve, those who believe most people are decent and honest and find excuses or tolerate abusive behaviour, they give others the benefit of the doubt, those who (wrongly) believe that abusers can change when given love and attention, those who let others take advantage of them, either consciously or unconsciously.
      You may be interested in reading The Sins of the Empath’s series, The Eight Exploitations of Empathy, 10 Obligations of the Empaths, The Three Letter Love Trap, just to name a few.
      HG’s book Sitting Target – How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You is very informative and enlightening.

  4. 69Revolver says:

    Since HG originally posted this article, I wager a guess that this *particular* Latin phrase has been researched more than any other.
    We’re such suckers, look how he baited us to look it up. Although, perhaps some of us are brilliant and already knew what it meant.

    Personally, I couldn’t wait to find out what the heck it meant. I took the bait anyway—hook, line, and sinker. LOL

    For the love HG……you’re such a damn Greater.

  5. Gareth says:

    Hi HG,

    Why are narcs so confident of finding another partner when having to deal or at least the one I had to deal with was just never ending dysfunction. Disappearing acts, violence, drunkenness, car crashing, picking our son up drunk from school I could go on and on yet at my 2nd discard which was an e-mail just seems to never reflect any kind of understanding of how crazy the behavior is. I guess my question is do they ever realise that most poeple would never want anything to do with that level of dysfunction. I took the second discard and went completely non contact where I could and when I noticed that I was being unblocked on Facebook I simply blocked her immediately. Do they realise when you finally go full no contact that perhaps they went to far. And I went full no contact. Changed my phone number everything.

    Thank you HG

    Been reading your site for the best part of two years and it’s been helpful as I knew I was dealing with something that was normally but had no idea what exactly it was.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Glad it has helped. No, because Lessers see nothing wrong with what they do and carry on like a wrecking ball. The Mid Range Narcissist who is less likely to be so haphazard can see the behaviour is viewed as problematic (hence why they manage facades, conduct affairs in secret, cover up misdemeanours) but they do not accept any accountability because it is always someone else’s fault.

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