Why Do Narcissists Cancel Arrangements?

 

WHY DONARCISSISTSCANCEL ARRANGEMENTS?

Why are we notorious for cancelling arrangements? You may have been looking forward all week to going out for dinner with us, or we sent a text message suggesting meeting up that evening for a drink only for a message to arrive an hour before hand explaining we cannot make it. I am not referring to those instances where we do not just turn up, but why is it that we make plans with you, be it a month in advance or just hours and we do so with enthusiasm and guarantees of being there, only to then cancel those arrangements?

There is a central factor behind this behaviour. It is control. As you know, control is of huge importance to us. We once lacked control as the world turned against us and we must never allow that to happen. By exerting control, we gain the validation we need, the fuel we require and we ensure that we are not ambushed, belittled and made to feel weak. By controlling our environment we reinforce that we are a supreme master of our destiny and of the destiny of others and through this control we are able to be that which we want the world to see. Control equals safety.

Accordingly, we need to control people and especially those which are our appliances in the provision of fuel and other benefits. We derive several benefits from exerting this control over you by dictating how and when we shall meet with you and especially by then withdrawing the meeting.

1.      We can determine how you will react to us taking this step – is it annoyance, irritation, upset, begging to meet up, re-arranging immediately or indifference;

2.      We can gauge from your reaction just how much control we are exerting over you;

3.      We can evaluate the extent of the fuel provision.

As you will have become aware, we operate through the continued and repeated application of contrast. Build you up and knock you down. Idealise and then devalue. Lift up and throw down. Our behaviour when it comes to making arrangements to do something together is no different. We give you the elation of something to look forward to and then we snatch it away and observe the outcome.

Our sense of entitlement means that we can treat you in this manner. You are not important. Our needs and our time matter far more. Thus, in accordance with our inflated sense of self we will deem it our right to demand to see you with just two hours’ notice and then cancel with barely five minutes’ warning. We of course do not care about how this makes you feel (but we are invested as to how this manifests because it is fuel) nor do we have any concern for whether you have been inconvenienced, put to expense, made to arrange child care, alter other arrangements, travel and so on. It is expected that you will do these things for us.

By behaving in this manner we reinforce our sense of superiority. Our idea of being god-like able to do as we please on a whim and everything else has to accommodate us and fall into place behind us.

This propensity to cancel is also indicative of how we perceive time in a different manner to other people. We are notoriously unpunctual, save when it is of crucial importance to us. This is because we do not value anybody’s time but our own, but it is also because we are so focused on what we are doing at that precise moment that pending plans, no matter how imminent will be held at bay, put to one side and ignored as we revel in what is happening in that instant. How many times have you had to stand waiting for your narcissist to turn up (assuming he or she has not cancelled) ? How many times have you been left waiting at a bar, at a bus stop, at your house as you wonder where on earth we have go to? This is because we have been too focused on the activity we have been engaged in, namely drawing fuel and therefore your appointment with us can wait and is forgotten about until something causes a reminder.

Thus, we may well have made what has seemed like cast iron plans with you for dinner this evening and a reservation has been made along with arrangements about where to meet. You have checked twice that we are still ‘on for this evening’ and then despite this we ring and cancel. We have been distracted by something else and because we are gaining fuel from that something else we want to continue doing that but we will not pass up this opportunity to let you down, exert control over you and gain further fuel.

What we are doing matters, what you have planned does not concern us. Often arrangements will be cancelled because of the new moment we find ourselves in our because we have a better offer. We have no need to exhibit manners or show loyalty, but whatever serves us best will be done and if this means telling you we cannot make it, then so be it.

How does this cancelling of arrangements manifest in the various dynamics?

 

1.      If you are a non-intimate secondary source who is a colleague or family member then we cancel not because we intend to devalue you, but rather because of the existing connection between us (work/familial) it is a given that we can cancel and you should accept it. If you complain, we gain fuel, if you do not but are content to re-arrange this underlines that you are subservient to us and it is as is expected. Since you are a secondary source which is in a near permanent golden period, remember we can pick you up and put you down as we please and cancelling an arrangement is just a manifestation of this dynamic rather than being a specific form of devaluation.

2.      If you are a non-intimate secondary source who is a friend, again there is an expectation that you will just accept this because you are loyal and functioning. We expect some fuel – positive or negative – and for you to want to re-arrange. This again demonstrates to us that you remain well under our control and is more pick you up and put you down behaviour rather than devaluation.

3.      If it is the initial seduction of somebody who we intend to make our primary source, whether you are a Non Intimate Secondary Source or you have advanced to an Intimate Partner Secondary Source then cancelling an arrangement is not done to devalue. It is done as a test. We are hoping for disappointment and a willingness to rearrange. If you fly off the handle with us, whilst we gain fuel, we will consider you as less desirable to be a primary source. If you are indifferent, this is the worst outcome and we are unlikely to continue our seduction of you, since you have become uninterested far too soon. This test will not be used frequently with you however as we have no desire to ruin the seduction and put you off.

4.      If you have been drawn to us and we have embedded you in a golden period as either the IPSS (who may become the IPPS) or as the IPPS then it is highly unlikely that we will cancel arrangements. You are now the apple of our eye and providing delicious positive fuel so we have no desire to interrupt that, let you down or spoil the illusion of us as being attentive, delightful and wonderful. If it does happen, then it may just be a genuine inability to be able to keep to the arrangement.

5.      If you are the IPPS and we keep cancelling arrangements then you are squarely within the devaluation period. This is being done purely to draw negative fuel from you, to upset you, hurt you and anger you. It is also the case that we are more than likely cancelling so we can spend time with the prospective primary source we are cultivating and we are using this as a chance to draw negative fuel from you and continue our manipulative mind games, especially when we tell you we cannot make it because we have to work late and you then later see a post on social media showing us in a bar with somebody else.

6.      If you are a NISS or IPSS devaluation is rare but if you find that we are cancelling repeatedly on you, this is not a test but you should be aware that you are being devalued and that the relationship is swiftly heading towards discard.

49 thoughts on “Why Do Narcissists Cancel Arrangements?

  1. Newt says:

    Becoming engrossed in an activity and losing track of time – hyperfocus, is a notorious symptom of ADHD. It seems like attention deficits could produce accidental narcissism. Any thoughts?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well it is interesting you should mention that…..oh look at those Duchamp cuff links come to papa!

      1. Caroline R says:

        HG
        Ha ha!

      2. MB says:

        Duchamp. Gift ideas 😍

    2. ava101 says:

      I have ADHD on top of C-PTSD? And narcissistic episodes? No wonder …

    3. Elise Marie says:

      Totally different ! I have ADD, diagnosed with intense, several-day batterie of tests. If I forget, I feel terrible and apologize! The way the narc in my life operated, he would suggest a meeting or date and then gaslight his way out of it! I have so many examples. Here is just one:
      “I know of a great restaurant in xxx.” Then nothing more
      “Oh, you will be coming to my city? I would love to show uou this art museum.”
      Then when I say, “Great! I would live that!” – nothing.. Next say: “Unfortunately I cannot make it that weekend.” No reason given. Later when I bring up tge dact tgat he always suggests meetings, travel, then days or minures(!) later cancels, no.apology, no explanation, or “Well, you are a lady and I was actually thinking if making a move on you and felt that was improper.” (This was in the live-bombimg build-up, trying to get me to believe he was the most peoper feneman I eould ever meet and he would never act in an abusive way towards me. Ha ha!
      He would say he was going to call, then not call, then promise to call the next day, not call, with excuse after excuse.
      Looking back I belueve I was being groomed as a possible IPP but was not there yet. At one point he seemed to be intent on luring me to that place and that is when hei nvited me to Greece during a week he knew I was off work. When I said I could not go right then but would love to in a few minths after I straightened out some personal things, he started to get very jealous and possessive and mean. This was crushing to me. When it became clear to him that I would say no sometimes and not be controlled, devaluation got more frequent and intense. That was when I realized for certain I waa being manipulated, yet he had hooked me and I hung on to the delusion that he would wait till I was personally ready to move in with him and respect my need to reorganize my life to be with him. No way. It was his way or devalue/discard/smear. It was so beyond what I had wver experienced before and it was clear to me he knew he was playing with my mind. It was no accident on his part.
      When I called him out for always cancelling, devaluation started pretty soon afterwards. If I had dropped everything and gone to Greece, it would have ended up being even more damaging for me.

      1. Elise Marie says:

        Sorry for all the typos. Should not reply any more with my phone.

    4. Elise Marie says:

      My other reply was rife with typos. Here is an edited and condensed version:
      I have ADD, diagnosed after several days of testing. If I forget an appointment, I feel terrible and apologize!
      The narc who chronically cancelled on me cleary was testing, manipulating, and gaslighting me. It was incessant. Here are some examples:
      “I know of a great restaurant in xxx.” I say, “That sounds nice. Would love to try it.”
      Then, nothing.
      Narc: “I would love to show you this art museum.”
      Me: “Great! I would love that!”
      Narc, next day: “Unfortunately I cannot make it that weekend.” No reason given. I express disappointment. He gives a vague explanation about being busy and offers no other day.
      This happened on numerpus other occassions till I finally asked why.
      He said, “Well, you are a lady and I was actually thinking of making a move on you and felt that was improper.” This was in the love-bombimg build-up, trying to get me to believe he was the most trustworthy gentleman yet very attracted to me but would never act in an abusive way towards me. (Ha ha!) He continued to do this during devaluation as well.
      He would also often say he was going to call, then not call, then promise to call the next day, not call, with excuse after excuse.
      Rather out of the blue, he invited me to go to Greece with him on very short notice during a week he knew I was off work (I teach and he had looked up my academic schedule). I was shocked but delighted, thought this was “it.” When I said I could not go that week but would love to in a few months, he started to act very jealous – aggressively so – and possessive. When it became clear to him that I would say no sometimes, devaluation started. It was not ADHD. It was never an accident on his part. The few times he actually kept a date, he went out of his way to keep it – like when he was truly sick.
      If I had dropped everything and gone to Greece, it would have ended up being even more damaging for me.

    5. SuperXena says:

      Hello Newt,

      I do not understand your statement. I do not see any logic of causation between ADHD and NPD.
      As far as I understand:
      – There is nothing called “accidental” narcissism. Either you exhibit narcissistic traits or have full blown NPD.
      – ADHD(Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder )is a brain disorder /impairment marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. People with ADHD are born with this impairment.
      – NPD characterises for lack of emotional empathy and it is described as a personality “disorder” not due to brain structures. It develops as an outcome of a combination of genetics and environment. NPD’s are not” born “with it.
      – I do not see any correlation between hyperfocus (inability to focus at length on the task at hand) exhibited in ADHD with NPD.
      Hyperfocus does not lead (and certainly is not the cause) to lack of empathy .
      People with ADHD may exhibit non-empathic behaviours but that does not mean they have a complete lack of empathy as NPD’s.
      There may be a comorbidity (ADHD and NPD) between the two but that does not mean one “produces”/ causes the other .

  2. Pauline says:

    HG,

    what about the situation when you are IPSS (not a dirty little secret, he doesn’t have other intimate partner at that time, but you are IPSS because you don’t live in the same city) and the narcissist doesn’t cancel but does everything to persue you to cancel?

    Mine never cancelled any arragements. But I was forced to cancelled it two times. It looked the same:

    1. He wants to take me on a weekend together. He books the hotel and acts happy we will spend some time together. I am happy too.

    2. A few days before the weekend he becomes distant. I ask what is wrong, he says everything is ok, but he is really different. I start to worry that he doesn’t want me to come with him.

    3. He gives me a silent treatment a day before the meeting. Now I am sure he doesn’t want to see me. But at last minute he breaks the silence saying “see you soon, xoxo!”.

    4. I am offended and pissed off because of silent treamtent and this stupid low effort “see you soon” text. I tell him I am not going anywhere because I don’t feel he wants me to go. There is a huge fight “well, ok this is your choice, if you don’w want to go, then don’t go. But it will be over.”.

    The first time I cancelled he gave me silent tratment that lasted a month, then he hoovered me back. The second time he discarded me, blaming me for being unstable, being borderline or narcissist and so on. Was it a calculated manipulation tactic, something he planned “I will force her to cancel so I could discard her and play a victim at the same time”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on what school of narcissist he is. This requires more detail from you and will enable me to provide you with more detail about what happened here, I recommend you organise a consultation.

  3. Michelle says:

    I got what I believe to be a test from Narc Friend. Early in our acquaintance, he let me know that some of the people who wrote to him would also come to visit him. I told him that I would be in his city in a few months and asked if he’d like to get together. I expected an enthusiastic response, but was met with lukewarm indifference and the suggestion that he’d let me know later. I planned my trip and got to the country where he lives — still no commitment. I was there a week — still no commitment. Then, finally, at almost the exact moment that my train rolled into his city, he suggested that he’d have one evening free, just for a few hours, because he was so busy with all of his sports and friends and whatnot. He made it very clear that I was not a high enough priority to cancel any plans for, and that I would be working around him. It is fortuitous that the one day that worked for him worked for me also, because it was at that meeting that I learned the information that unequivocally exposed him as a narc. He did show up punctually and was increasingly enthusiastic to see me, but this probably owes to the fact that I had potential as a higher level source and was relatively new on the scene. My fuel-laden reaction to this situation also probably explains why I was shelved and not disengaged.

    1. ava101 says:

      It’s not about being a priority, it’s about control.
      Thank you for describing this, that is sooo typical narc, you wouldn’t have had to meet him actually then …
      I will meet one guy who behaves like that, soon, when I am very close to his place anyways and it’s not causing me any inconvenience, just for testing my theory how he will behave. He’s a test object and I might get very frustrated anyways, lol. …

    2. nunya biz says:

      Ick.

    3. amanda SNapchat says:

      how did you realize he was a narc?

    4. nunya biz says:

      I’m patient if it seems normal and the person is attempting to be extra considerate, things happen. But if I get a sense something is related to intentional narcissistic manipulation, selfishness, jockeying for control- I try to detach and a cancel turns into a permanent cancel on my end. Especially since the future only looks to me like my needs are not considered at all unless as a means to an end. Terrible feeling.

  4. Winter says:

    HG, ivI’ just read one if your books, and I have a question.

    The ex-wife is notorious for exploding into physically violent rage when delays happen in transferring the child, and verbal explosion when a text is not responded to within minutes. She goes so far as to scream obscenities about being ignored and disrespected. I find it amusing, but I am fully recovered of my own narc. The child’s father is still badly damaged.

    She seems awfully unstable – she is very fat and very ugly and tries to make out as if she were a “bad ass” because her grubby new husband is an illiterate biker (low hanging fruit?) She plays the “poor me/my poor daughter/we have to deal with a drunk (lie) deadbeat (lie) Dad” card continually (is actually using in custody court and shamefully, has the idiot therapist convinced).

    Am I right in assuming we are dealing with a Lesser, possibly Victim (but if you could smell her superiority like I can, I believe she is a faker victim, not a truly convinced victim)? I’m not entirely clear on all your labels, and although status (except minor) doesn’t seem too relevant, even though she’s definitely low-functioning, she’s also definitely malignant in nature. Unless I’m misunderstanding your use of the word malignant. They have been separated 6 years and she still seeks to control as much of him as she can, using the kid as leverage (having successfully alienated the older step-daughter in the meantime, it’s a very real threat).

    Your input would be appreciated.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for reading.

      There are certainly indicators that support a Lesser Victim narcissist. I recommend you organise a Narc Detector consultation and I will you the definitive assessment.

      1. Winter says:

        Thank you but I cannot afford a consultation – the custody battle has drained us to the very edge.

    2. Anm says:

      Winter,
      I have 2 children from 2 different Narcissistic fathers. One is a Lesser and the other is a Midranger. They both do what you just described that woman doing. They do it from entitlement and fear of losing control. But I want to say that your husband’s ex, sounds like a Lesser or Borderline, and I will explain why I think so. The Midranger I coparent with, very much has a disrespectful attitude, but the dynamic of his family is much like a cult, and facade driven. The Lesser I coparent with, is much like that woman. Child Protective Services, the police, the courts, evaluators have all been involved with our family just in the last year alone. I personally think, Lessers are harder to coparent with, because they can’t let go of conflict. They build fuel sources around the conflict of coparenting with you. If they behaved, and got along for the kid’s sake, their stimulation would collapse. So they keep up the BS for selfish reasons.
      It is hard. I recommend Save the Children from HG. Also, I do not know about you, but both of my kids say that they do not experience love or affection when they are at their narcissist parent homes. I try to show my kids love and be present, even when the court hearings are stressful. I try to surround my kids with people who are positive influences as well.

      1. nunya biz says:

        “They build fuel sources around the conflict of coparenting with you. If they behaved, and got along for the kid’s sake, their stimulation would collapse.”

        I have seen people do this. Good thoughts, Anm.

      2. Winter says:

        Thank you Ann, I appreciate that. I’ll see about that particular book/article? Anyway, yeah, this one is a real treasure.

        And it definitely seems like she uses the kid to create the conflict and keep the fuel fired up and keep control of him. So predictable though – and childish, as though she thinks she’s very clever but frankly is playing the game on an elementary school level. She just can’t help herself and just continually supplies me with the written evidence of what she’s doing.

        My real concern is the kid though. My BF is getting treatment finally and is finally successfully accepting my coaching on taking his power back, and that’s helping. We finally just got the first visit with the daughter in a year. She is deeply aligned with the her mother on the surface, but it’s cracking quickly, since we filed and forced family therapy. We’re using Dr. Childress’ recommendations on how to deal with her directly, Verbal Jujitsu it’s called, and it’s helping tremendously. But she’s still facing the indoctrination at home – we can tell from the swapping back and forth between the way she is in her phone calls and good therapy days when her mother isn’t present to the ridiculous demands when her mother IS present, and the poor kid is just MISERABLE, you can absolutely tell. We don’t know what tactics her mother uses, so we’re not sure what to do to help her cope. But once we get regular visitation in place and partial legal custody, we’re planning to take her to a certified Family Structure Therapist on her visits, because that’s all we can think to do for now – the kid suffers incredibly with anxiety and depression, and it’s all bullshit put in her head by a mother that has moved her to an isolated home and works from home so the kid rarely gets out.

        I’m curious – how is your CPS case doing? I’ve considered calling them myself, because the kid has so much depression and anxiety, but I know they won’t do anything about emotional abuse.

        1. Anm says:

          Winter,
          My advice would be for here in the USA, and not professional. I do not know about other countries and their systems. I would consult with your attorney before ever calling CPS. CPS rarely does anything, unless conditions are severe, and if you are already in the court process, your judge may frown upon such a thing as “not willing to coparent” with the abuser. It is best to file and ask your judge to have an Evaluator from the courts or a Psychologist do a home visit with both families to assess. That is doing it the “correct way”.
          To try to gain full legal custody, the Lesser keeps trying to claim that I am on drug and mentally Ill, so I have used how CPS have found his claims unsubstantiated, and the reports did document his rages, that is about the only thing that I have benefitted from the CPS reports.
          I think getting the daughter into family therapy is a great idea.
          Dr. Childress
          Dr. Amy Baker
          The Youtube Page, In Proper Person are all resources for alienation. Best of luck on your journey.

          1. Winter says:

            Thank you Ann, I will certainly look up the YouTube channel, that’s a new resource for me. IvI’ pretty much figured that if we just give her enough rope she’ll hang herself, so for now, unless court goes badly (which I’m guessing it won’t) I’ll just be sticking to the plan.

          2. Anm says:

            I like Proper Person/ Alex Falconi, because he explains the court process. After you get your custody situated, you may need to learn how to represent yourself, and subpoena your own documents. One thing I wish I did, and didnt… my ex did lash out last year after our custody/child support hearings didnt go his way. I should have just dragged his ass back to court each time he acted out. I would have just seen the judge without an attorney on those occasions. It gets confusing when a year has gone by, and the judge has to figure out who created a year of conflict for the kids.

          3. Winter says:

            Good point Ann, I will keep that in mind. We’re at the beginning by which I mean there was never a custody order before I came along and pushed it to happen. So.

  5. Victoria Witting says:

    I feel it could be a couple different reasons….one would be simply have or had lost interest in the prior plans you two had made. Two could be that better offers or just better things for our selfish selves to where it’s easy to turn down plans for better ones. Three sometimes being a narcissist to me very depressing to the point that the person just doesn’t want to do anything at all. And for females another reason could be if they don’t feel they look how they want to look then they just won’t go at all.

  6. Anm says:

    HG,
    I do not want to toot my own horn here. The narcissist who are usually drawn to me, are ones with power, money, status, connections, etc.
    My last few relationships were disastrous because of this, the smear campaigns are the most savage and malign, there has been so much money for court proceedings. I took a few years off of dating seriously for fear of getting together with another narc.
    Lately, one of my friends I have casually dated, has been pushing for a relationship. Same thing, lots of status, money, connections. He does so a lot of charity work. I do not know if he is a narcissist though. He may be hiding it well.
    How do I go about this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Consult with me.

    2. amanda SNapchat says:

      do u think they are greaters? are u their primary source? how does it end? good luck

      1. Anm says:

        Amanda SNapchat,
        No, I haven’t dated all Greaters. I have dated midrangers and lessers too. I have been secondary sources and primary sources to narcissist. The end of a formal relationship with a Narcissist is highly taxing in every which way. Which is why I haven’t been in a committed/formal relationship since my last relationship.. he is a rich, spoiled, bratty, bullying Lesser- not a Greater.

  7. lisk says:

    I was tested during the initial seduction period, three times: he called to say he might be late for our scheduled first date, giving me a scare and then showing up on time: he went to the wrong cafe for our scheduled coffee date; he completely missed a scheduled phone call.

    Wish I would have just nixed that first date at that first threat of lateness—I can still feel that scare now after eight years. I knew it was a bad sign but still went along. I will not tolerate tests from anyone again.

    1. amanda SNapchat says:

      it’s not a big deal to be late for a date. I think you beat these guys by not givign a fuck. So someone is late. don;t give a fuck. Bring your laptop and work while u wait for them or meet someone else meanwhile.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Punctuality is the politeness of kings.

      2. MB says:

        Being late for a date IS a big deal to me.

        1. Windstorm says:

          MB
          Since I dread going out in public, I tend to wait till the last moment to leave home and then often run late. I’ve tried to improve that over the last few decades, since I realize it is rude to the other people.

          My Pretzel is only late if he’s going somewhere he feels obligated to attend, but knows he will not enjoy. He’s much more likely to be early, if there will be people he likes to talk to there. Talking to people is his favorite activity.

          1. MB says:

            WS, If we were IRL friends, I would be totally understanding of your reason for running late. I know the crippling nature of anxiety. I would even be alright with you telling me you couldn’t make it to lunch on a particular day. That is different from the narcissist’s way of being late or not showing up just because he is entitled to do as he pleases without regard to your feelings or obligation to explain.

            I still feel a stab of pain when I think back to the celebratory dinner my co-workers organized for me when I left the company where N and I both worked. It was just a few days before Christmas 2012. He told me he would be there, but he would be a little late. I dressed up. I didn’t invite my husband. I saved him a seat beside me. I looked at the door every few minutes the entire evening. He never showed. He never called or texted that he wasn’t coming. He never apologized or gave a reason why. In fact, it’s never even been mentioned by either of us. He ruined my evening without lifting a finger. If he had just declined the invitation, I could have enjoyed the evening with my friends instead of thinking of him.

            Taylor Swift has a song called, “The Moment I Knew” When I listen to it, I am always reminded of that night. Once I found HG’s work, I looked back on that and many other instances that could have been “The Moment I Knew” if I had only been aware.

            What I wish for those that haven’t been touched by those with NPD is that they will see these red flags in the beginning and never get ensnared. If you know what to look for, you can save yourself a lot of heartache.

            https://youtu.be/u5dDHBtXMVk

            HG, the lyrics to this song indicate that either TS is an empath hurt by yet another narcissist or knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. (Some good research for your upcoming article perhaps?)

          2. NarcAngel says:

            MB
            Do you remember how you rationalized his behaviour in not showing up or offering a reason, and why you didn’t raise it yourself?

          3. MB says:

            NA, as ever I am too “nice” to confront anybody about anything to do with a slight against me. I went back over every conversation in my head multiple times thinking maybe I misunderstood. I was confused at the time. I am no longer. He probably had a better offer. If I were to ask him about it now, I’m sure he wouldn’t recall the event or know what I’m talking about. Yeah, right!

          4. NarcAngel says:

            MB
            So you were hurt? Angry? Worried?Reasoned something had happened to him? Can you remember what your auto default was?

          5. MB says:

            NA, we weren’t real close like dating or even good friends outside of work so I wasn’t worried that something had happened to him. In typical MB style, it was kind of a dream come true that a guy like him would have anything to do with a girl like me. So it was a case of, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I chalked it up to not being good enough and then felt silly for thinking it could’ve happened in the first place. I was hurt and ashamed.

          6. NarcAngel says:

            MB
            Thank you for responding to help me understand. I had wondered if you did not pursue it with him because you already sensed that questioning would put any future interaction in peril. If he already had you walking on eggshells and if you realized it at all as that (at that time or just in retrospect).

          7. MB says:

            NA, I hadn’t thought about it much until you asked me. I just chalk up the whole thing to him being Canadian to be honest! Ha ha (jk).

            Thank you for taking an interest. I always want to know what you think. I need to get a rubber bracelet, “What Would NarcAngel Say?”

      3. nunya biz says:

        I agree on the not caring part, ASC. Don’t care and then never see them again. It really isn’t worth the emotional investment at all. I don’t not care as an effort, I literally do not care about narcissists, I practice the detachment part actively. I want very much for my mood or self-perception, which is very good, to not be shifted by other people. I can even enjoy talking to a narcissist if I stay detached and still just never talk to them again.

  8. Elise Marie says:

    Wow. That explains a lot. The cancellation thing was huge in my relationship with MR or Greater narc. Now I understand.

    1. amanda SNapchat says:

      what would he do?

      1. Elise Marie says:

        Would suggest a date at a certain place, then when I said, ” I would love to,” would come up with some excuse why he could not make it. This would happen anywhere from weeks to minutes later. This ranged from meeting at restaurants and museums to flying me out to see a house he wanted to buy for us to live in to signing a contract for a commission he said he wanted. (I am an artist.) Would say he was going to call, then not call, and when I asked him why, he would not even explain. Would just ignore my questions.But then he expected I jump the minute he said jump and if I said I could not do something the minute he wanted it done, expressing no empathy or understanding for my reasons.

      2. Elise Marie says:

        When I said I needed time (I bever cancelled anything) he acted like I had mortally wounded him. Called me the devil, as if I was the evil one. Playing really dark music. Then pulled me back, started even more serious push-pull, making me think I had been the Love of His Life, followed by devaluating, triangulating, and gaslighting. Later when I called him again on his cancellations, he told me that I could not separate promises from jokes…that he took this all very lightly, and I should too. Mind you I almost destroyed my personal, social, and professional life based on his “jokes” while he, from my perspective, risked nothing. He wanted to “dethrone” me.

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