Watching You Crumble

WATCHING YOU CRUMBLE1

We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

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18 Comments

  1. I had surgery yesterday and my hub drove me there. I was nervous and asking the nurse all kinds of questions as she prepped me. I told hub the IV hurts a little. He said “just wait till they inject your stomach, that hurts like hell.” I said I hope you’re kidding. He kept insisting that was coming next. The nurse looks at him and says “can’t you tell she’s already worried enough? Do you need to make it worse?” OMG! I’m appreciative that he drove me there, but even more so that my mom has been here the last two days helping me in and out of bed while he worked. I was in tears getting in bed last night because of the pain and he does not offer any warmth. He did make something to eat this morning so I could take pain meds. He’s helping in his way, but just had to try scaring the shit out of me first with that stomach injection bit.

    1. Mary
      I am glad the nurse spoke up and I wish all medical staff had the proper training so they could identify NPD. I am very sorry that you had to deal with that; you deserved to be supported and cared for.

      1. K and E.B.:

        Thank you both for your comments. It would be helpful if more medical staff recognized narc behaviors and how they affect patients. I’m mostly doing okay post surgery. This morning I had a little meltdown due to frustration with my arm not being as functional as I want it to be, but after meds and a nap, was able to wash my hair, so am going to call this a successful day.

        Hugs and love to everyone, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

        1. My pleasure Mary
          I am happy to read that you are feeling better and it is very frustrating when you can’t function like you normally do, so put yourself first and get some rest. Everything else can be put on the back burner until you feel better.

          Identifying NPD should be mandatory training for all hospital staff.

          Happy New Year to you too!

  2. My husband cheated on me loudly (as in not hard for me to see & the first time I was aware of) soon after my mother died and we had a baby and a 2 year old. I needed him and he ran so this makes perfect sense. My father became ill the next year and during his illnesses and ultimate death a couple of years later, my husband made my life a living hell when I needed him the most. Exactly the scenario you write about above. The only thing that I don’t understand is why he cried so hard and long during my father’s funeral. What was the point in that. So he’d get attention and not allow me the space to feel? I just wanted him to leave. I didn’t need him anymore. I’d learn to do it all without him.

    1. ifonlymommy
      Some of my narcissists (mid-rangers only) cried long and hard at funerals for fuel: the emotional attention generated by the narcissist. They thrive on it.

      1. Good grief. He was reaching but sure you’re right. I mean he was in a room full of my loved ones who didn’t care for him anymore. Strange place for fuel 🙄. After the funeral it was almost as if I could’ve called, “Scene” because he returned to the jackass again. Haha.

        1. ifonlymommy
          Ha ha ha…their theatrics are all very contrived and narcissists are shameless opportunists who will exploit any event for fuel (positive or negative).

  3. Damn another good one hg I have a narc before in front of me and now I know what the blank state is for I figured she was one…now you just confirmed it. I have heard those phrases before….all too familiar.

  4. So to add to my comment that’s probably below because it’s not modified yet and I can’t see it –

    No one wants to feel pain. If we didn’t have the sensation though, we wouldn’t be aware to react and stop an injury from happening. The tip of a steak knife, the burn from a pan – we jump from the reaction of the pain and stop ourselves from being injured worst. While no one wants to feel pain, it’s necessary.

    Empathy keeps us from harming others.
    Love and happiness keep us from harming others.
    Sadness of losing someone is that persons legacy.
    Emotional pain keeps us from being hurt by others. It’s why we break free of narcissists, despite the great sex or the addiction, the pain we endure is what makes us leave, it’s self preservation.

    Narcissists have no indicators of their own to keep them from harming others or themselves.
    Laws & consequences keep them in line.
    Their facade keeps them in line.

    A facade isn’t real. A lie isn’t the truth.
    The creature isn’t anything anyone wants to feel.
    They hurt others to feel good about themselves.
    They cannot regulate their own self-worth.
    Why should they want to feel? Because emotions are necessary indicators that keep us from harming others and ourselves.
    Narcissism couldn’t exist without empathy in the world anymore than fire could without oxygen.

  5. I want to disentangle from my narc once and for all for the new year. Why is it so difficult to do? Logically, I know I’m the only one in the relationship that cares about any of it. But for what? Can someone please lock me in a closet for a year?

    1. Kelly,

      You’re already in a closet—the narc’s closet.

      2019 is the year you get out!

      Hell, make it January 2019…be out in the world by February!

    2. Hi Kelly, I agree with lisk, get out NOW. Please have a plan and do it safely. I know you’re scared, heartbroken, and feeling guilty. I bet a little part of you still thinks he will change. If you can’t stand the thought of him moving on; which he will do very quickly, just remember the new one will eventually be in the same pot of shit stew that you’re in now.
      I escaped in 2016. It wasn’t easy. Still sucks. This is the time when you have to be your strongest, when you are already at your weakest.
      The rest of your life is waiting on the other side of your fears Kelly, Stand tall, push those boobies out and walk away with your head up!
      No, no no way is it easy, especially with kids. It wont be easy for a long time yet.
      You’re already miserable. Why continue being miserable with him when you can feel just as shitty by yourself?
      As lesk said, let 2019 be your year! Best wishes Kelly, and good luck.

      1. Thank you for your encouragement. All of your words are of course true. I’m really aiming for a new year unburdened by him. It’s time. Enough time wasted.

        Let 2019 be your year as well. Happy New Year!

  6. That is one that I have always on my mind. I found myself in a very bad year – financially- professionally – he could have easily helped. Funny enough – when I needed nothing – he gave me a lot .
    Whenever I find myself in a bad spot – I don’t say it anymore –
    I just turn over other sources and sometimes – I will say in passing …
    So and so helped me with this and that etc but rarely.

  7. The reason why a narcissist in the know should want to have empathy is that it’s essentially the same as our bodies having nerves that tell the brain- that pan is hot, stop touching it immediately- saving you from being burned. Empathy is what keeps us from hurting others, laws are there to keep the rest from doing so. That’s why a narcissist should want to feel the spectrum of emotions, they are indicators to guide us from harm. It is better to feel love than power and spread love than hate because- those relationship advice sites – are mostly about narcissist abuse, not normal relationships where you just weren’t a match so you split up. If the world were full of nothing but narc, it would implode in its own fury.

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