Hair’s To You – How The Narcissist Uses A Physical Trait Against you




I have always been a fan of red-headed women. Oh and blonde-haired ones too. Of course I love brunettes as well. From deep auburn to fiery titian, platinum blonde to ash blonde, chestnut to raven black I love them all. Show me red-gold, mahogany, black brown, highlights or lowlights they all work for me. Long hair, short hair, cropped, bobbed, straight or curly. I love them all. I recall on one occasion talking with a female friend who I had designs on. We were sat in the café of an art gallery and the topic moved onto hair. She asked me what was my favourite type of hair colour.

“Oh raven black,most definitely, I shot back without even pausing to think.”

She smiled and raised a hand to push it through her raven black locks. If the waitress had come over and asked the same question then I would have said blonde as I gazed at her short bobbed blonde hair. On other occasions I might get asked this by someone else and naturally I would tell them my favourite. Lo and behold it just happened to be the same as the one she had.

“You are just saying that because it is my colour,” she responded.

“No, it is my absolute favourite. All of my previous girlfriends had strawberry blonde hair.”

“Really? I thought the one before me was a brunette. I saw a picture of her.”

“Oh her? No, no, she was not my girlfriend. Goodness me no, she was just a friend. Admittedly we did lock lips a couple of times, but it was nothing, she was a tad obsessed if you really must know.”

“Was she? I am sure you referred to her as your girlfriend.”

“You must have her confused with an earlier one maybe. No, always been ladies with strawberry blonde hair, it is a particular weakness of mine.”

If she had green hair with blue dots in it I would have said the exact same thing. Sometimes these comments have been said so many times but with the appropriate alterations that I cannot help but say them. Occasionally, if my target has some awareness and has been listening, I might contradict myself but I have enough charm and evasiveness to get out of the situation.

Hair colours and hair styles are such a useful device for currying favour with a target or by contrast upsetting them. When all is well in the world and we are enjoying our golden period, then whatever you do to your hair I love it. You can colour it, put in extensions or even shave it all off. I will always tell you how beautiful you look because that is what you want to hear. With every visit to the hairdresser’s a lady wants that compliment. I have seen you sashaying back from a visit to the salon and parading before me. I will be effusive in my praise, espousing how natural it looks, how the colour sets off your eyes and the shape frames your face magnificently. I have a whole list of suitably complimentary comments to churn out when you return with your new ‘do’.

The stock that a lady places in the power of a new hair style or hair cut is such that it really makes it too easy to gather some negative fuel. I can tell you are really happy with this new style and you are just waiting for the compliments. Not today. Why should it be all about you and your new hairstyle? What about me? I look after my hair too and have it cut every twelve days so it always looks smart, but do you say anything? No. You regard a man and his hair as purely something of function. You on the other hand regard the colour and style as an opportunity to express yourself. Feel free because I am only too happy to rain on your parade and make that sleek do go frizzy. I will frown and peer at your new hairstyle.

“What’s wrong?” you ask as your triumphant smile vanishes.

“It does not suit you.”

“Why? How? Roger at the salon said it was very me.”

“Well he would when you spend that ridiculous sum of money there. It does not suit you. It makes your face look too….severe.”

“Are you serious?”

Damn right I am serious. This is about getting some lovely fuel from you and this is too good an opportunity to pass up. Whereas once I rolled out the barrage of compliments, I now issue my damning verdict on how wrong the colour is, it is too short, too long, too voluminous. I will pick fault and soon have you running from the room to the bedroom to cry and try and alter it. You bring it on yourselves you know, you really do.

136 thoughts on “Hair’s To You – How The Narcissist Uses A Physical Trait Against you

  1. Tawny says:

    Coloring your hair IS narcissism.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it’s not.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thank you for saying so.

    2. Witch says:

      Hair IS narcissism but balding is also narcissism too

      1. HG Tudor says:

        All hair matters, yes?

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Erm, not if they’re stuck between the teeth, HG.

      2. A Victor says:

        Haha! Very good!

  2. Saude says:

    Very good post! It helped me a lot…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and you are welcome.

  3. Joanne says:

    K, Hervé Renard is a little TOO tan 😀

    1. K says:

      Ha ha ha…tans can always fade.

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      And a little bit too wrinkled…

      1. K says:

        Sweetest Perfection
        True, but he still looks damn sexy!

  4. Rebecca Sager says:

    Haha! I’m safe cause my hair is blue!

    Seriously though I wonder at times how I got where I did without getting romantically entangled with a narc. Anyone else find they managed to avoid narcs subconsciously due to being raised by a narc? We know narcs don’t share well and while H.G. is awesome for aiding our understanding I find my stephag narc programmed a lot of defenses. Is that just luck or intentional I wonder?

    I am assuming intentional with the idea to have her own little servant forever in my case at least. She only promoted my dating when my husband came along. Even then she did her best to smear later on when he started talking marriage…which is puzzling cause I would think she would have sights on his assets (business owner savior empath with money = tasty narc food).

  5. trocadero says:

    Chihuahuamum, I know that some people (not narcs) can even lead double,complementary lives and perfectly satisfy themselves by getting in these affairs some things they cannot have or miss in their marriage. I got to realize that I am definitely not one of those,for me it’s all or nothing if I like the person,that’s even what I told the narc on several occasions. And it was getting to me that he didn’t seem upset at all by the situation where we can’t really be together,I was interpreting it by him being too proud to admit. It was before I found HG and this blog,then it all made sense. But even if he turned out not to be a narc,I couldn’t be pulling this through much longer,I am just not made like that. Either I can fully consume the relationship or I suffer. I had a few one-night stands in my life before I got married but I’ve never found it interesting. If I like the guy I want the whole package,I don’t know how to compartmentalize what I feel. So of course you know what’s best for you,I just hope you are honest with yourself. Hugs!

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi tricadero…as time has gone on i see thru the fog more and more and i know the reality of the situation thanks to what ive learned here. Im an appliance in a network of appliances. I also know that my narc prefers women he cant be with fully. Hes not one to commit and move in with someone and make them his one and only. He is content being single with many. I dont have any fantasies where this is concerned and truth be told if he wasnt this way it wouldnt of lasted 9 yrs bc i would never leave to be with him. I guess you could say its the perfect codependant situation.

  6. Lou says:


  7. Lou says:

    This is going to sound strange but, the way I think of you sometimes, Mr Tudor, is as a narcissistic psychopath with an odd feminist blond thrown in.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are right, it is strange.

      1. Lou says:

        What I mean is that your work often shows us how narcissists use our female insecurities or exploit typically female “issues” to abuse. I see kind of a feminist side to it. That’s all. The blonde part is just because you are blonde.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for expanding.

          1. Lou says:

            Are you throwing a party HG, or are you invited to one tonight?
            Or are you staying home writing new articles?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I shall be out tripping the light fantastic. What will you be doing Lou?

          3. Lou says:

            I am invited to a friend’s party. And I am running very late as I am supposed to be there early to help prepare dinner!
            All my best wishes to you HG.

          4. MB says:

            I’ll be ready at 8 babe and watching out my window for the Bat Mobile!

          5. lisa says:

            HG, you have blonde hair ???? WHAT ? That can’t be possible , there’s no way that i can imagine you with blonde hair

      2. Lou says:

        That made me laugh and cough MB.
        I think I have a mild brain concussion now caused by all this coughing.
        How was the Bat Mobile? Did you trip the light fantastic with HG?
        Did you get to see his snake hips move?

        1. MB says:

          Well let me tell you Lou! What a fun evening! I got all
          glittered up. I heard the throaty engine of the black Mercedes (aka Bat Mobile) before I even saw it pull up. Ever the gentleman, HG helped me into the car. It IS VERY fast and he is an excellent driver. After a thrilling ride to the club, HG taught me how to throw shapes on the dance floor (since I’ve never gone dancing). And that kiss at midnight…ummm girl, how the world really did stand still. Afterwards, another thrill ride to the house by the lake where he had Chablis chilling for us to enjoy while he started a crackling fire. I listened to him intently into the wee hours as he regaled me with his tales of brilliance. And the rest, well, let’s just say he delivered.

          What a nice dream that was! (I was asleep by 9 girlfriend.)

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Are you sure it was a dream? There was hella lot of unicorn glitter in the laundry this morning when I deposited my naughty step seat cover.

          2. MB says:

            Ha ha NA! Sorry about the glitter on your seat cover Sis.

          3. Lou says:

            Well, either it was really a dream or the Bat Mobile is VERY, V E R Y fast indeed if he picked MB up somewhere in the south of the USA and they ended up somewhere in the UK.
            Although we know that, with HG, nothing is impossible.

          4. MB says:

            Lou, one can visit the UK for the New Year holiday. I’m not a fixture! Ha ha

      3. Leanne says:

        Narc Angel. That’s hilarious

        (I don’t know where to post this
        so there it goes.)

      4. K says:

        HG is 6’ 1” with blond hair (think Daniel Craig), blue eyes and full lips.

        1. lisa says:

          Thanks for the description but i don’t accept that , he doesn’t look like that at all to me. 😬 Unless of course he dyes it blonde which would be more weird

          1. MB says:

            Lisa, maybe he will show more of himself in the new year. After all, he is big on correcting inaccuracy.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I see what you did there!

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Haha. Look at you covering all the angles!

          4. Twilight says:


            Love it, that was awesome!!

          5. lisa says:

            Good try there MB 😉

          6. K says:

            My MMRN was 6′ 1″ with dark hair and his leg hair was dark too. If you check out HG’s legs the hair looks blond.

          7. lisa says:

            I don’t think they are HG’s legs , the hand was wax , the legs will be borrowed , i doubt he’d show his own legs . I’m betting on an Ear next , could be a wax one , could be borrowed or could be from a floodlit statue in his garden.

          8. HG Tudor says:

            The hand was my hand – the wax hand comment was a joke. The legs are my legs. Nobody is going to know who I am from those two snippets.

          9. lisa says:

            HG, you must be using an excellent hand cream !!!!!

          10. K says:

            We are just going to have to wait and see what comes up next. I believe those are his legs.

        2. Joanne says:

          Pretty close! In my mind he’s more along the lines of Jude Law? 🙂

          1. K says:

            More along the lines of Herve Renard. Google him; he is hot.

          2. MB says:

            K, I googled the soccer coach and you’re right! Yum!

          3. K says:

            He’s too sexy for his shirt
            Too sexy for his shirt
            So sexy it hurts…

      5. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        The hell they couldn’t, HG! If that hand had touched me and if those legs had… Let’s just say that anybody who has straddled those legs is gonna know ’em.


        1. HG Tudor says:

          What I mean is, since most do not know me, by seeing my legs they will not ascertain who I am.

          1. Lou says:

            Most do not know you? I thought no one did.

      6. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Well, now that is very true.
        And I’d say that there were probably a few who kept their eyes closed throughout the session.

      7. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        I had to research Hervé Renard, and I agree K… ruggedly handsome! 👀

        1. K says:

          Very rugged!

      8. StrongerWendy says:

        Tom Hardy…YUM!

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Lou, and everyone, to me, HG looks like Tom Hardy with better teeth. Hmm, Tom Hardy…

      1. Joanne says:

        SP, yes that works! I had to google him to get a better look at his teeth. Oof

        1. MB says:

          Tom Hardy? No! No! No! I Googled him too. I enjoy the differences in what women/and men find attractive. Very interesting.

          (When composing this message, I realized I may have called The other guy a “soccer” coach. If I did, my sincere apologies HG. I won’t do it again.)

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            MB, I agree on the facial hair, he has been wearing that big beard for a while and I don’t quite like it either. I of course understand tastes may differ… But, have you been checking the right pics?

          2. MB says:

            SP, nice bod! Of course. Hate hate hate the tattoos. A few of the clean shaven face shots are hot. He is a man of many different looks. He doesn’t even look like the same person sometimes! Actors!

      2. Presque Vu says:

        On 20th December a Tom Hardy lookalike asked me for directions on my way to Xmas drinks and dinner with friends in Cambridge….he had a tattoo on side of his neck, he was very friendly. He was lost and so was I. He had his phone out and gave me directions to the pub, for a while I walked with him until he realised I was going the wrong way. I thanked him for his help and walked in the other direction. He was off to a different pub the opposite way. I remember thinking what a nice guy as he could see I was lost.
        HG you don’t have tattoos you said! 😆

        In my head he’s not blonde either, but then I have been wrong about 3 times now I think 🧐

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No tattoos.

          If you want to be entertained by some early Tom Hardy, see his appearances in ‘Cape Wrath’ (Jack of all Trades) and ‘Flood’ (London Underground maintenance engineer). He’s come some way. I rather like his wife.

          1. Lou says:

            Funny, I watched Wuthering Heights yesterday where TH wife plays Kathy. I didn’t know her but liked her performance. Now I know she’s married to Tom Hardy.

          2. Jen says:

            Lol, just lol

      3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Tom Hardy has a very nice nose… and chin and… I can see him being a sound possibility on a resemblance, Sweetest Perfection. Are you speculating on the teeth, or do you have inside knowledge, perhaps know HG’s hygienist? I actually found Tom’s teeth acceptable, but I could have been distracted by those lips. 😊

        1. MB says:

          The facial hair in most of the pictures that came up looks scraggly and rough. He has a “dirty” look to him. Like he wouldn’t smell good. Again, very interesting that we can look at the same pictures and feel totally different about them.

          HG, are your lips Tom Hardy full? Are they more or less full? Do tell.

      4. Lou says:

        I bet he is better looking than Tom Hardy 😉

      5. Sweetest Perfection says:

        BKK, I’m not speculating, since I’m
        not motivated by fuel, I am attracted by other things and good teeth are important. But Tom’s lips are succulent, I agree they can cause some distraction. Presque Vu, what a missed opportunity to exchange phone numbers… at least. I don’t usually do blondes, I love dark hair (long even better) but Tom Hardy is my exception, even if he is not really blonde. AND, he is a dog lover. Like me ❤️ HG, his wife is hot too. See? Everyone happy.

      6. Presque Vu says:

        I’m not a big fan of Tom Hardy HG though i do love him in Peaky Blinders (though again, prefer Cillian Murphy) and i agree his wife is beautiful! There is something about her. I love people like that.

        Sweetest Perfection, it was a moment that happened without me thinking anything of it. I told my friends i just saw a Tom Hardy look a like and he asked me for directions and they said the same – did you get his number – you missed a trick! I never thought about it – but how can he be lost when he was on google maps looking for his pub???

        Total crush on Jeff Goldblum – i swear he is totally mesmerising, interesting, and captivating. He’s aged WELL!!!

        ***Sorry to go off topic***

      7. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Lou, HG is most likely better looking than Tom Hardy; but Tom still has 50% probability of not being a narc, while HG has 0%.

      8. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Gotcha, SP… I’m going to share your vibe then – that HG has better teeth than Tom. No proof needed for this truth-seeker. (Besides, it does help the fantasy flow more smoothly. 😕) Still, a nice smile is important to me, too, but not a deal-breaker if the rest looks like Tom! 😍

        (I hope all of this pressure doesn’t have HG searching the ads for a deal on veneers or something! Either way, I’m sure he’s as adequate there as he is in the Hand & Legs Department, so no need for me to feel guilty, right?)

        I like what MB said. That’s what so great about human diversity. One woman’s “uh” is another woman’s “oooohh!” Natures way of keeping us from going after the same sperm – I assume?

        I’m not into tats, but I do find Tom Hardy to be a handsome fellow (did I already say that), especially all cleaned up. Thank you for sharing that link, SP. I’m always up for more visual aids. I like noses with a bit of character, and Tom’s fits… classic but bold. His is so nice that I’m thinking Presque Vu needs to hit the same pub this weekend, just to see if that mystery man shows up?

        I’m supposed to be out of town Saturday and Sunday with a group of friends, but if you REALLY need a wing-woman Presque Vu, I’ll see if I can borrow HG’s batmobile and sneak away for a few hours. I’m always up for helping out a fellow empath, so all you need to do is ask.

  8. DoForLuv says:

    In golden period something went terribly wrong with my hair I had to cut it really short I was super embarrassed . He kept telling me how gorgeous I was and mirroring being insecure about his own hair and I would say how flawless he looks . At that time it was cute to me but now I’m not quite sure what to think hilarious !

    After the break up I did gain weight when he returnend he didn’t mind but was pleased to know, it was because off him and me breaking up.

    1. Amanda Snapchat 2 says:

      how are u now doing? great u identified that he is a narc.

      1. DoForLuv says:

        I’m doing fine now ! Thank you so much 🤗

  9. Caroline R says:

    Happy New Year to everyone!

  10. Kelly B says:

    He said to me ” I didn’t realize how red your hair is in the light.” Asked the narcissist what hair color he liked in women He said he didn’t care what hair color they had. He said he just liked to shoplift the pootie.

  11. NarcAngel says:

    If you pump fuel they like you. They will go to different stations depending on their mood and circumstance (easily available, positive, negative etc), but at the end of the day the injection of that fuel and how it makes them feel is what matters – not the color of the pump. Stop dying your hair, losing weight, buying new clothes, or trying to outdo the next victim. It’s pointless. He WILL decide you’re not enough. It’s inevitable. You become someone you’re not to attract and keep someone who doesn’t exist like they’re the last person on Earth. Ironic.

    1. Joanne says:

      NarcAngel, thanks for this. Very plainly put. Racking my brain to try and figure out how I can draw his attention back to me is a waste of time. And trying to be the “best fuel supply” is downright ridiculous.

    2. Caroline R says:

      So well said!

    3. Saskia says:

      This is on point, NA – well put and an essential reminder. It might be easy to forget – or dismiss – the fact that the people narcissists choose to be with are regarded as mere appliances that are, eventually and sadly, ‘faceless’ and therefore completely interchangeable, regardless of how intelligent, successful, engaging, attractive or desirable they might be. Their worth or value is measured by the amount of fuel they bring into the equation. It is doomed to become stale eventually.

    4. lisk says:

      Very freeing advice. So well said. Pretty much all of what HG is saying in a nutshell!

    5. Bubbles🍾 says:

      Dear NarcAngel,

      We bend over backwards to please and yet they sit back and do absolutely nothing

      If the fuel pump is getting low … they go where it fullest

      You described it brilliantly
      Thank you 😊
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    6. Leanne says:


      -that deserved a little bit of love and WordPress sucks

  12. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    I mentioned to the weasel his “chain of women”…. all had long dark black hair and all looked same same ….. he was surprised at my observation

    All of them had fringes/bangs
    I do have a fringe …. but I’m the fairest of them all ….
    mum’s a red head and so I have her auburn highlights

    Even Mr Bubbles mentioned his last one looked like me regarding my hair style

    I “always” compliment Mr Bubbles when he has a haircut… same goes with our kids and everyone I know ….. always have ….and same with their clothes …. always
    The weasel never really mentioned my hair or make up ….only my dress style, said I was very classy
    I think I gave him enough fuel, he didn’t have to …. he on the other hand dressed appallingly … he has since lifted his game and dresses slightly better and goes to a barber now … he used to cut his own hair …cheapskate ….and smelt aweful ….. along with his stinky house …yuk
    I find most men tend to offend my delicate senses … except Mr Bubbles …haha

    Very informative article Mr Tudor
    Most plebian average joes … wouldn’t notice anything about a woman ….only gays n narcs 😂
    So this is a huge red flag
    Thank you Mr Tudor…..good one
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Caroline R says:

      “Only gays and narcs”
      Ha ha!

      1. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dearest Caroline R,
        So true …haha
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  13. Chihuahuamum says:

    Wanted to mention another tactic my narc has usrd in the past to dress me down so to speak. Hes picked a celeb that looks nothing like me and is brunette and hes sent me pics of her in designer clothes and in headlines. He was doing this over excessively and while i was on the shelf. Possibly he thought he was punishing me covertly. It came to a head i addressed it and told him how unsexy it was as a woman to have your partner keep sending you pics of an attractive woman. I told him he can think whatever he wants of her but to please stop sending me her pics bc i have no interest in them.
    He stopped but still drops hints about her. I think he used the contrast in our appearances to make me feel inadequate.

    1. trocadero says:

      Chihuahuamum, sometimes I get the feeling that your Narc is the same one I had 🙂 he kept sending me pics of nude sluts he follows on ig, especially those with big boobs (I am pretty flat myself) – at first I was putting him down for following those like a horny 15-year-old, but then at one point I told him that he should keep that to himself and not send it to me! Gave him fuel of course, he was saying ” cmon, it’s funny (?!), why are u so insecure?You are not here, I need a distraction!” WTF?! I was like ”do what you want, but you don’t send it to me!!” He said that I was overreacting, that he would laugh if I had sent him some nude guy pics (yeah, right). OMG, I get pissed every time I think of it, I really don’t understand how you can still put up with this guy, it was so humiliating 🙁

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi trocadero…my narc is very covert and salami slices so much he shouldve worked in a deli. He doesnt make it obvious like a lesser would. Instead he picks something a bit under the radar. So instead of a big boobed swimsuit model he chose someone from the royal family whose a fashion icon and very classy probably to diminish me more. When i mentioned it he played dumb like he just follows the headlines etc but it was the way hed talk about the pics like he was enamoured. It really got under my skin. The ridiculous thing is now when i see this celeb on magazine covers i still cringe and have to stop and ask myself why? I have no reason to feel inferior and thanks to what ive learned here i realise it was nothing more than a tool of triangulation. I also realise a guy who is mentally healthy could have attractions but he would know to keep that to himself out of respect for his partner. In a very healthy relationship where both partners trust one another you could admit to celebs you might find attractive but thats coming from a place of trust and respect. The trust comes from knowing they never use it to hurt you like a narcissist would. Theres such a distinction there and when you step back you can see it. Ive been with a nonnarc many years and im able to see it.
        Why i still put up with my narc is very complex. Its definitely a codependancy. I think if the abuse was worse it wouldve been over long ago. Hes a salami slicer abuser and he devalues subtley and then gives the side of himself i enjoy and have come to rely on. It is humiliating bc i have ignored boundaries and who i am on occasions. Im not proud of it but i forgive myself and am working on myself. Im also spiritual and put this in gods hands as i try and work thru my life journey as i learn the lessons im meant to learn. Theres been a lot of hurt and ive made a lot of mistakes but i wont do it in vain ill learn from it all.
        I have stood up for myself but have been careful not to do so in an overly emotive way bc i dont want to reward the behaviour with fuel. Instead i was calm and told him its not sexy to show another woman pics of other women all the time and i was direct and said please stop sending me this bc im not interested. So i advocated for my feelings and i know him well enough this wouldve wounded him and it did. What he wanted was me upset and saying it hurts me when you do this arent you attracted to me??? Nope i didnt give that to him lol
        It seemed to work bc he stopped but that being said narcs just move onto plan b. They always have a new tool up their sleeve. When all else fails shelf that person in some way to punish them but still be with them so they cant call you out on it.
        Ive learned so much about people and myself since hooking up with my narc. Im not saying the abuse and staying is a good thing no its not i shouldve left years ago but i have taken away a lot of knowledge as a result.

    2. Amanda Snapchat 2 says:

      why don;t u do the same to him? Send him pictures of famous people that look nothing like him and say they do. Well probably ignoring him is better. acting like u don’t give a damn.,

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi amanda…i did do that and he found it funny and its bc it confirmed to him that it got to me. Hid job was complete. I no longer give him that validation instead i make it unfavorable by way of grey rock and if necessary stepping away.

  14. Chihuahuamum says:

    Everytime i hear this song it reminds me of narc abuse and how we allow others to determine how we feel about ourselves. We search out validation from everyone except the one person that matters the most ourselves. What we feel is what matters not other peoples views and their validation. If you get a hairstyle youve always wanted love it irregardless of anyone elses opinion. As far as narcs go if they dont compliment you that means nothing snd actually probably means they think you look hot and that makes them insecure and envious. So i say eat your heart out narcissists! We dont need your approval or validation. You dont determine my self worth!…ok climbing off my soapbox 🤣

    1. trocadero says:

      Dear Chihuahuamum, I hope you haven’t misinterpreted my last sentence. I wasn’t judging you at all, it was said more in a sense that I know exactly the feeling and I am sorry that you still don’t feel ready to get rid of that. I cannot even think of that lasting for years (if I understood your case correctly), it lasted less than a year for me (99% online) and it was super hard to go NC so I can see how hard it must be for you to make that decision. Maybe you also see some benefits from it,quite frankly I never felt worse in my life,insomnia,lost a few pounds,everybody was asking me if I was sick. So it literally affected my health. I was overwhelmed at the same time with the feeling of guilt for doing this behind my husband’s back and the feeling of doing it with someone who doesn’t really care for me. It was a complete mindfuck and I desperately needed to get out of it. Since then,I gain these few pounds back and sleeping ok again. So for me,there was really nth I was getting out of it,I looked and felt like shit. I think that the only thing worse from cheating is cheating with someone who doesn’t make you feel better,after all that’s the main reason why we mostly slip in it 🙁 Stay strong 💟

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi trocadero…happy new year!
        No i didnt at all take what you said as judgmental bc i ask myself the same question…why do i stay. I think you hit it on the mark that im still getting something from it. It was never purely sexual with my narc. It started off sexual but developed into much more. Its very codependant in a lot of ways. I do enjoy my time with him and aspects of his personality but the npd does rear its head. The other thing is the abuse isnt what it is in a lot of the relationships on this blog. If it was i wouldnt of stayed. Hes very covert and salami slices very thin. In the back of my mind i know he doesnt love me but i do think he loves what he gets from me. He loves what he gets from others too so im nothing special. Its honestly been the most complex relationship ive ever been in but what ive learned is helping me to unravel it. I see it for what it is two people getting something from each other and in a dysfunctional way. Theres the friendship/companion side and that is hard to let go of. I have a lot of friends but hes become my main person i condfide and share with which is insanity seeing hes a narcissist. I feel ive allowed it to get to this point of dependancy bc of all the time spent with him and its hard to break free. Your lives merge and you really do lose yourself to these sorts. They absorb you.

  15. Presque Vu says:

    I had blonde naturally curly hair when I met him, he could not stop telling me how beautiful I was. Until devaluation. Then he called me miss piggy, and I was upset by this but he said to hush although she’s fat and blonde she has spirit.
    I went to the hairdressers and went brunette and I miss my blonde. I hate him for that. The power to make me feel so unattractive where I started to not feel good about myself. I’m still at that place in ways.

    And now he’s with someone who looks like a boy!
    He would constantly smell my hair and loved my curls and…

    Fuck it.

  16. Ugotit says:

    I truly believe he would have still complained if I woke up an 18 year old curvy round redhead

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi ugotit….yes he wouldve devalued a perfect curvy 18 yr old bc what they initially love about a victim ends up being what they hate about them out of envy, insecurity and jealousy. Theyll take that same trait and destroy it.

      1. windstorm says:

        “what they initially love about a victim ends up being what they hate about them out of envy, insecurity and jealousy. Theyll take that same trait and destroy it.”

        That is so true.

      2. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi windstorm…i had read that and at first it made no sense but thru what ive learned here i get it now. Narcissists dont love or really like themselves not genuinely so they are constantly envious and jealous. Its sad. They fall in love or rather infatuation with a victim based on certain traits and end up insecure and envious over those very same traits.
        Happy new year to you and your family!🤗🤗🤗

  17. Ugotit says:

    This is all so true I remember distinctly when I met him I asked what he preferred in woman looks wise size wise and hair color wise and he said he had no preference but thought I was beautiful, I thought it was wierd cuz most men do have preferences, fast forward past the golden period and he started telling me I needed to lose weight and my height doesn’t support my weight , yet I’m 5 9 and was probably only ten or fifteen pounds overweight at the time which barely shows on a tall woman.then one day I was scrolling thru his list of likes on Facebook and see that he had liked about 50 pages featuring full figured woman, when I asked him he said he preferred round woman and I asked him why he told me to lose weight and he said your not round and I said exactly so if anything you should of told me to gain not lose, he had no explanation for that. Then a year later I see he had liked dozens of pages featuring redheads and I asked him about it as and he said he always had a thing for redheads , always , not that I would dye my hair read but he specifically told me he didn’t have a preference, he always did shit like this telling me he liked that I was older and mature and then throwing it in my face that he preferred young woman I can’t believe I ever put up with that shit, if I had been 18 he would have thrown it in my face that I was too young and I’mmature

    1. lisk says:

      My God, Facebook is horrible.

      And so are the questions that reveal our insecurities…

  18. Anm says:

    Just look at the famous narcissist who ruined their careers or marriages by cheating on their gorgeous spouses with trashy looking people!
    My ex takes pride in dating beautiful women.
    When he drops off our daughter after his visits, I get stupid text like,
    ‘Our daughter needs to eat dinner still. I am sure you can handle that. Looks like you have been doing a lot of that lately.’
    I do not respond, but I think, ‘so says the man who cheated on me with any obese woman that was in close proximity’.
    I am convinced Narcissist do not really care what people look like, it is just part of the game.

    1. Kathy says:

      I don’t think HG is into obese chicks?! Lol

      1. Anm says:

        Kathy, I bet you his IPPS are always beautiful. But even the Greaters have dirty little secrets that do not fit their image

      2. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Kathy, I recall someone once asked him, given the choice, if two women were entirely equal for empathic traits, status etc but one was overweight and the other wasn’t, which would he chose.

        His answer, of course, he’d have both hahah

        I beleive it was the answer to an article, ‘Have you seen who he is with’.

        So even eating pies won’t save us from his clutches.

        1. Twilight says:


          Do you see the “fuel” he would obtain on top of the many forms of manipulation between the two?

          HG I mean no disrespect yet rereading this I was hit with many avenues of manipulation that could be used alongside of the fuel one could harvest. If empathetic/empathic could see this your kind would be so screwed, yet one only see that which they created in their reality never truly feeling another.

      3. alexissmith2016 says:

        Absolutely twilight, I see much opportunity for fuel under these circumstances between the two of them as well as using their own insecurities against them.

        1. Twilight says:


          Could you have seen it before HG? I am just curious. I use to observe people and how they would react to things others did wondering why couldn’t they feel one cared the other did not. They would just watch or ignore like it wasn’t happening. I was very young then and starting to notice the difference in the way people felt to me. I understand now it was about the fuel and what I was feeling was the emotional one giving and the other drinking it in and the crowd was just adding more fuel to the fire. The ones ignoring it were just normals going about their business.

          1. alexissmith2016 says:

            Twilight, I could never at all have imagined that there were so many narcissists before HG.

            I knew something was off with certain people but was only able to see through those who directly affected me. Never could I have dreamt that they had no conscience and were unable to experience love in the way we do.

            Previously I was like a lamb to the slaughter for any N, but especially female ones. Not any more.

            How has HG helped you?

        2. Twilight says:


          HG has answered questions I have had sense I was 11-12.

    2. Presque Vu says:

      You are beautiful Anm, his utter and complete loss!!!

      1. Anm says:

        Presque vu, thank you, sweetheart

    3. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi anm…i wanted to address how you said your ex dates obese women(not to judge based on weight) but i do think sometimes they go with less attractive or successful ppl bc they want to be in control and feel less insecure doing this.
      Hgs articles “have you seen who hes with” talks about this subject.
      As far as his insult bombs id just put him on ignore. The fact he feels the need to say that says hes insecure and wants to make you unsure of yourself. Hes probably thinking…shes getting along fine without me wth! I wonder if shes moving on and is dating anyone?” Thats what hes really thinking.

      1. Anm says:

        How did everyone get that I was mentioning obese. No, the narcissist I have always been with weasel their way into dating women better than them. They will often cheat on anyone, and I mean anyone, they can get their hands on. I have weird horror stories of catching narcissist exes with gross people.

      2. Anm says:

        I personally think that they are always going to take jabs to see how attached you are to them and how much they own you. He is the one getting insecure about getting older and fat, not me. I’m fine. Everything is projection

        1. Anm says:

          What brought up the obese thing… in my case, with my ex, he is known for having the most beautiful IPPS and IPSS. They are all natural beauties to porn star looking bombshells. When we were together, his aunt had a staff of house keepers, caregivers, cooks etc. We over saw the staff for her. Some of the women he hired were very rough around the edges, some were very fat, some had teeth missing- I kid you not. I started to notice, that there was sexual chemistry between him and some of the staff members, but it was too bizarre to even bring up. This guy had plenty of attention, why would he sleep with the staff….. and he was. I thoroughly investigated. At this phase in my life, I’m 34. I am not in my starving model phase, I’m not fat, but I am comfortable in my skin for once. So when i hear or read snarky insults from the narc ex, I am reminded that he is the gross one.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            I know that you just meant to point out the extreme differences in their prey and the lengths they will go to to gain fuel and exert power. They also do it to baffle, and it’s effective because people will naturally compare and question the disparity.

      3. Lori says:

        He does it to see if he can get a reaction or control. If you go on a diet and sudeenly lose weight then he knows he gets to you

        Honestly they do not care about looks that much maybe only for facade but to them fuel is fuel and they will take it from anyone. They will offer keep one that’s mot quite in their league as a DLS or sometimes a super attractive one as a DLS as a jab at her self esteem

      4. Joanne says:

        When I saw narc’s ex-wife and old girlfriend I thought for sure he aimed lower to ensure he’d be the pretty one, the star. I wonder if he gave them the same “you’re beautiful / you’re f-ing gorgeous / you’re perfect” love bombing adulation that I received.

  19. lacajadepandra says:

    From everything you get fuel / emotional response even the smallest.
    They really seem to be such harmless comments, but they slowly undermine self-esteem and confidence by slowly devaluing you, like the torture of the drop that erodes even the most resilient Rock.

    1. E. B. says:

      Exactly. They use salami-slicing techniques to control their victims.

  20. Chihuahuamum says:

    This goes for any physical attribute. When i met the narc i was in good shape but health wise not as up to par. He would compliment me on my looks but not overly for fear of my confidence getting too high. He wanted control over that. Fast forward to now and im in the best shape of my life and feeling very healthy. Do you think he will compliment me?? Im down to 110 and trim. I mentioned to him how family and friends are asking how i got so thin and he says…usually when people lose a lot of weight people wonder if theyre sick. I said no they are asking me for info on fasting and vegan keto so they can do the same. I can totally see his game he is petrified that im feeling good about myself bc that means hes losing control. I actually take pleasure in building myself up to him. Im not a vain person but when someone is trying to tear me down i will brag in their face 🙂
    Now when i do something to look or feel good…i do it for me!!

  21. Jane hall says:

    LOL I miss my X sometimes. His crazy behaviour was shocking and upsetting but hilarious too. Totally mad. Erratic. Sometimes, I just read these posts and I am back with him. I laugh at how I responded too. I laugh at myself and my own stupidity and how he so easily fooled me for so long.
    Thanks HG I have been blonde, dark brown, red, blonde. Long, short, curly and straight – so my Ex couldn’t pin me on this one….though I do remember he said he preferred brunettes. Who cares. Its all MAD.

  22. lisa says:

    HG, i think narcissists don’t have a type in the way that normal people are more inclined to do? They know what is not attractive and what looks good or makes them look good , but they don’t really know what their type is? would you say that’s right ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Our types are explained in Sitting Target.

      1. lisa says:

        I’m talking purely physical HG

    2. Lori says:

      I have to laugh I’m not super thin but I got into fitness and weight lifting about 2 years ago and my body has changed a lot. I’ve put on quite a bit of muscle and my transformation has been on Facebook. I can run miles and lift heavy. Now all of a sudden he’s posting gym selfies something he said he hated and making it public on Instagram

      They cannot stand seeing you succeeed and really can’t stand the attention you receive fro

      1. Leanne says:


        May I ask..?
        Why are you looking?

  23. Mercy says:

    This is so cruel!

  24. lisk says:

    We really do bring it on ourselves when we rely so much on external validation.

    1. Marina Poliakoff says:

      No. We bring it on ourselves when we get involved with abusive bastards. No offense H.G.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        None taken.

  25. Claire says:

    Mine: “I marry blondes.”
    I have dark hair. His new IPPS – blonde.

    1. Christopher Jackson says:

      Yea you are in clear and present danger please get out

    2. Joanne says:

      OMG. Mine: “I love natural blondes. I’ve never been with a natural blonde before.”
      I am a natural blonde.
      His new supply – African American.

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