You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water. The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan. The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land. The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see. You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened. Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees. You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught. You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp. You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you. You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues. You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again. The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

36 thoughts on “Searching

  1. J.G says:

    Hello H.G.Tudor…
    I have read your last post and frankly I have to admit that you have been my Holy Grail. I have to thank you for getting me out of this hell after 20 years. Showing me the reality, because I found myself in a labyrinth of mirrors from which I could not find the way out, no matter how hard I tried. I really thought that this was an unrequited love, but the reality behind the mirror was and is something much more SADI.
    No longer for the fact of knowing and going through the whole narcissistic process until my final discard as you say stop in the relationship. But because I didn’t understand the reality of the matter. Not finding answers to the Thousands of unanswered questions that assaulted my mind, these today all revealed.
    You with your books and articles, clarified many things to me and with that knowledge as stones, I dedicated myself to break the mirror of the illusions and of this no longer nothing remains.
    Now I see clearly my narcissist, who seemed to be sweet and pleasant, but behind his mask is quite sadistic people.
    In spite of everything you have been my best Christmas present, and for that I am grateful to you.
    Now I can break the chains and let go.
    Being a passive Codependent, I think I have escaped quite well from all this. And although I still have work to do, I think I can handle this situation a lot now. If at any time, my narcissist came back by any chance I think he would be in for an unpleasant surprise when he found the supply of dry FUEL for him. You’ll have to look elsewhere because I will no longer give you the emotional attention you want so much …

    Without more for the moment I only have to congratulate him for his work and these dates…

    Merry Christmas and prosperous 2019

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you JG I am pleased my work has proven so useful to you.

  2. Liane says:

    So HG stands for Holy Grail?

    1. freedgypsysoul says:

      No. The answer to that is back in the beginning of his writings in 2015

      1. E. B. says:

        Well, I remember him saying that HG stands for Holy Grail and that Tudor was chosen as a consequence of a historical connection. Is it right, HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It stands for several things.

          1. MB says:

            I like the analogy of Hg (Mercury) “quicksilver” the most. I’m quite mercurial myself. (Totally different Mercury – Ha!)

          2. Twilight says:


            I hope your have a Happy New Year!! And you celebrate in a manner suited just for you!

          3. E. B. says:

            I see. I did not know that. Happy New Year, HG.

          4. E. B. says:

            I see. I did not know that.
            Happy New Year, HG.

          5. E. B. says:

            I see. I have your comment where you explained what I wrote above. The date is missing.

      2. K says:

        This comment is located in a 2015 thread.

        Nuit Étoilée
        NOVEMBER 6, 2017 AT 15:30
        Bisous, HG (do you explain somewhere what your initials stand for?)

        HG Tudor
        NOVEMBER 6, 2017 AT 15:34
        His Greatness.

        1. freedgypsysoul says:

          See, originally in an Aug 2015 post. 🙂 I am only just starting Nov 2015 posts so I remember reading it recently!

    2. K says:

      Or Hurt God.

      HG Tudor
      DECEMBER 8, 2016 AT 17:48
      No, HG are my initials. Tudor is a familial link but not (obviously) by actual surname.

      1. MB says:

        In the very beginning, it was for His Greatness. I read that somewhere. Don’t ask me to find the link! Or it could have been in one of the books.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It means several things.

          1. MB says:

            All I need to know is that it means, “He who is brilliant”! #empathweaponizer

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I still see the initials H.G as I have from the beginning. As a harbinger of things to come regarding his work.

            Heralded Globally

          3. HG Tudor says:

            HG approves.

          4. MB says:

            Beautiful NA! I like that and I look forward to it as well.

        2. Twilight says:


          Long ago I called him hydrargyrum which is another name for mercury (Hg)

    3. kel says:

      Very good Liane! 😁

  3. Sophia says:

    I used to have such faith. But now I prefer the shadows of my ruin. Here is peace; no one calls, nor visits; there are no threats, no demands, no mercurial attachments. Will the truth deliver me or betray me? In this pause, I find myself unwilling to put on an intrepid face.

  4. freedgypsysoul says:

    I’m searching, for an article and I’m sure it’s hidden in here somewhere; can anyone drop a quick link to where HG talks about the whore/saint complex thing please and thank you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is in the book ‘Sex and the Narcissist’.

      1. freedgypsysoul says:

        Thank you

    2. K says:

      You may find this comment helpful and it is located on this thread. Sex and the Narcissist is a must read and the Madonna/Whore Complex is located on page 196 in the hardcopy. It is a great book.

      HG Tudor
      JUNE 15, 2017 AT 11:12
      The anchor represents stability and it can be the case that the anchor is regarded as the Madonna, in the Madonna/Whore complex. The anchor, when viewed white, is also an excellent provider to the Prime Aims.

      1. freedgypsysoul says:

        Thank you K

        1. K says:

          You are welcome freedgypsysoul and enjoy the archives!

          1. freedgypsysoul says:

            HG’s writings are brilliant; helpful, clear, so on point, and yes, at times, they strike a chord. To hurt, to feel pain is confirmation that we are still alive, that we are human.

            But in addition to what HG writes, I find the comments and contributions from the readers are just as valuable because they speak so loudly about what has happened to us. Validation that it wasn’t our imagination is wonderful. Thoughts and ideas for moving on, fantastic. And mixed within, there are the jokes and humour.

            I raise my glass in a toast to HG for doing this, and to everyone else for their courage and their strength.

            Here’s to a great 2019 – drama and narc free (except HG of course, that’s a lifeline that does not need to be severed 🙂

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you FGS

  5. Star says:

    HG? The Holy Grail? Interesting and mind bending. Beautifully written none the less.

  6. Somebody says:

    HG, I hope your last sentence is correct. Your fading article makes me very sad because I was the primary source until 9 weeks ago. I left. I do not want anyone to suffer like you described but this is is what keeps me hooked. I must care for myself as he has to find a way for himself. I still don’t know how you describe my feelings so clearly yet can reject us through the devalue stage.

  7. Fool me 1 time says:

    This is one of my favorites it always seems to make my heart cry and my body shake. This one hits close to home HG. Wonderful piece! Thank you. 😪

  8. Leslie says:


    Searching for a considerate individual who holds themselves accountable for their half of the relationship, who engages in personal growth and who has the emotional maturity to place my needs/thoughts/goals etc in equal value.

    What is being sought is healthy. Narcs are fraudulent and lack the social and emotional maturity to genuinely deliver at that level.

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The Igniters of Fury – No. 2