Hidden Engagement



How many times have you stood outside the study door and pressed you ear against the door in the hope of hearing something? Many times I would wager. You press it closer and close your eyes as if shutting off one sense might just aid another. Is that our voice you can hear? It is difficult to tell as the frenetic and anxious beating of your heart causes the blood to roar in your ears and you cannot tell if that is us speaking in a low murmur, the sound of a television or the incessant hum of the technology on the other side of this portal. Are we speaking to someone or is that now the clack of the keyboard as our fingers glide across it? What is it that we are doing beyond this door? Your hand reaches out to the handle but you know that it is pointless. The door will be locked. It was not long after we began these night time residences in the study that a lock was fitted and you have never seen the key. The room is always locked when we are in it. The room is always locked when we are not in it. You have no access. You once went to find a ladder, determined to peer in through the window and see what lies within. Strange thoughts of witnessing bizarre experiments flicked through your mind, visions of some hybrid beast chained and caged, a monster yet to be unleashed, yet as you looked up you could see that the blinds had been closed. Once again we had out strode you.

Even if a locked door did not bar your access you know that as soon as you began to open the door we would appear at it, face filling the crack, bodyweight behind it preventing you from pushing it open any further, our suspicious face blocking you from seeing what lay within. We soon ushered you away, muttering about having important work to do. You made kind noises, suggesting that we worked too hard and inviting us to allow you ingress so you might massage our shoulders but your suggestion did not even merit a reply as the door was shoved shut once again. You shall not pass might as well have been etched on the timber.

Now you walk past, the cold blue light leaking from underneath the door, evidence of the technology at work inside. You always pause and contemplate what we could be doing. What is it that engrosses us to such a degree that we are preoccupied inside this place nearly every night, from after dinner until late. You gave up trying to stay awake for our eventual appearance in bed. Now, you awake in the night and find that we have magically appeared beside you, having soundlessly and lightly entered the room and climbed into bed. Occasionally you have debated looking for the key as we slept and trying to access our place of refuge but you have come to fear and dread the backlash from such clandestine behaviour as it as if we sleep with one eye open. We always catch you when you start to play us at our own game, with sneaking about and covert activities.

Truth be told you have no idea what goes on when we indulge in our night life. You may be told we are working or enjoying watching a film in peace, without the interruption of children, animals, telephones or you. There just might be a film on in the background but the only work that is being undertaken is of the plotting kind. We are busy tending to our growing kingdom of admirers as we flick between the first ‘phone, the second ‘phone and the computer. Technological tendrils radiate away from these devices as we scour the dating sites, pick up the previous evening’s flirtations with someone with an inviting user name and bat back and forth the messages with a new prospect on Facebook. Our inbox bulges with the fruit of our nefarious labours, the computer screen contains an array of different tabs and notifications as the world of social media lights up the monitor. Messages, emoticons and pictures cascade towards us as we drink up this fuel. We reply to text messages, plan arrangements to meet, indulge in sending sexual snares to capture a willing victim and requesting plenty of pictures to send to the hard drive which is attached to the computer. The heat from these exchanges would readily power the house for a week. You may hear a film but it will not be the latest block buster or some critically acclaimed production. Instead we will be staring glassy eyed at the naked figures which contort for out imagined direction. Our fingers grip the mouse and with each click we delve deeper and deeper into the vast array of pornography, our tastes becoming ever more extreme and dangerous. Some nights we might spend ten seconds watching one piece of footage before our eyes are drawn to a more enthralling thumbnail beneath which we dutifully click on. Then another and another. We watch everything but see nothing as we flit like a butterfly from one porn site to another, dancing across the categories, inserting our own searches as we seek that elusive hit that satisfies us. Our eyes widen as an e-mail arrives and we immediately open it, delighting in the messages we can see racking up on our ‘phones. We are gorging on flirtation, infidelity and voyeurism. Like a glutton we cannot get enough as we stuff ourselves with the fuel that flows from so many supply lines. As we do so our thoughts drift to you lying alone, no doubt wondering what we are doing and we allow ourselves a smile as we savour that drop of negative fuel, imagining your discomfort and loneliness.

It begins as an hour after dinner. Then two. Soon external appointments start to be discarded and avoided in order to make a return to the mothership and plug in to all of the waiting admirers in chatrooms, across the internet and in cyberspace. Soon the entire evening is given over to this pursuit and then it bleeds into the early hours until we are still sat wired and fuelled, clicking and surfing as the first rind of dawn can be seen on the horizon. This is our nightlife.

31 thoughts on “Hidden Engagement

  1. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dearest Mini duck,
    I believe New Years Eve is such an overrated moment (because everyone is waiting eagerly for that one second midnight hit)…. and extremely emotional
    It “supposed” to be a “happy” time …. new year new beginnings…. yet xmas/new year is when most relationships break up in order to start a clean slate (usually straight after Xmas day)

    We empaths tend to reflect and focus on the sad aspects, look at negatives, being alone ….instead of all the “positives” from the year

    I was wondering why you would want your “ex” to wish you anything … he’s gone now … finito, kaput, done, ended, terminated…ciao
    Close that door behind you precious and another one will open

    We should “celebrate” by having “after narc parties” ….no more narc, no more nerves
    Things will only get better from now on Mini duck …..starting with a “new you”
    Happy happy journey for 2019…. may you look back when it’s 2020 and say “that was a bloody awesome year” ….this time …with happy tears
    Hugs to you lovely one
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    Ps… a dear friend of ours is going thru some “negatives” and I suggested writing one good thing that happens each day and placing it into a jar to reflect on ….end of the week, month, year … which ever suits
    Straight away he went and fetched a jar
    I’ll keep you posted

    1. windstorm says:

      That’s a great idea about writing down a good thing that happened each day! Think I’ll do it as a list in the back of my journal. 😊

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Windstorm,
        For me, just getting out of bed in the morning, is a good thing 😝
        The idea is to save the filled jar til the end of the year ….. some of my friends may not make it .. so weekly is good, its current, keep the positivity going, hopefully
        He asked me for ideas … I said “cutting ones own toe nails is a good thing” , giving his neighbours cat a little treat …good, going for a walk …good, smiling …..good and so on
        I’d really like to hear your thoughts Windstorm on how you feel and reflect after you’ve read them
        Thank you lovely one
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. SuperXena says:

    JANUARY 1, 2019 AT 21:13
    Really? I’d always heard you’re supposed to kiss someone you love on the stroke of midnight. If you’re right, that must mean I’ll be kissing the dog all year long. Probably so”

    Ha,ha ,ha WindStorm. You really made me laugh with that one. I am sure your dog is very cute and worth many kisses.
    Reminds me of the saying: “ The more I know about people( men ),the better I like my dog. “
    I have no pets but there must be something true with that.
    Thank you for the laugh!

    1. windstorm says:

      You’re welcome for the laugh. Yes he’s a very loveable dog, but also often infuriating, too – like all males.

  3. Saskia says:

    WW, you are heard. I also understand your feelings, thoughts and what you are currently going through.

  4. wissh says:

    While the specifics of this don’t apply to me as narcex and I didn’t live together, I have no doubt whatsoever that this describes his every evening perfectly. He remained on dating apps during our entire relationship and was logged in like clockwork everyday, which he of course denied. 🙄 He asked for naked pictures always, and I’m not deluded enough to think he didn’t ask everyone, I cannot even imagine his phone and computer files.
    It is only through you, HG, that this no longer causes me pain, thank you. Happy New Year!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  5. lisk says:

    This post confirms so many of my suspicions. While painful, it is such a relief to know I was/am not crazy for suspecting narc’s behaviors.

    Now I just have to get over how I betrayed myself by not trusting my instincts in the first place.

    Thank you for giving evermore clarity, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  6. Leslie says:

    Like, do you not see the sickness of your behaviour? The delusional thinking that you use to excuse it? That you are a pathetic fraud??

    Your ridiculous strawberry ice cream example is so childish. Like a kid eating themselves sick on candy instead of creating a situation in which you can continue to savour the flavour. Just seems OCD and immature.

    The addict is you, not the other person. Always chasing the high and never learning how to be content.

    1. NarcAngel says:


      It could also be said that the sickness of behaviour, chasing the high, and never learning to be content is evident in the other party. Are they delusional? What do they use to excuse it? Does that make them also a pathetic fraud?

      1. lisk says:

        Interesting, NarcAngel, and you do the important thing of turning it around on the “victim” to see the other side.

        Just this morning I wrote in my journal how my narc is a fake. As I wrote the entry, I realized that I wanted to buy into his fakery, that I was his accomplice. I was so unhappy in my life when I met him. I needed an escape, a high, to help me forget about my circumstances at the time. I “asked for it,” so to speak, and I got more than I bargained for.

        I was not only victim in that “relationship.” I was also perpetrator.

        The narc can’t tango without us.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I winced at “turning it around on the victim” , but I knew what you meant. Yes, to identify (not blame) that we are complicit in some regard and to a certain extent. That blaming the narc only, does not allow for moving forward because as you identified – it takes two.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Also – you did not ask for it but rather were blind to it when it began.

      2. Saskia says:


  7. J.G says:

    It’s good to know, even if it hurts…
    I understand, to a certain extent, that it is only about fuel…
    You are great devourers of this fuel and I understand that in this game of survival. and in this game there can only be one.
    Either you walk away and survive or you die mad.

    As much as you love it and it hurts, it’s best to let it go.

  8. WW says:

    I know there are 7 billion people out there that could be normal, empathic and capable of love. This narcissist however has broken me. I am alone on New Year’s Eve. They say the way you start the year is indicative of what’s in store. I hate men. Men secretly hate women. Ironically every man came from a woman. I think this plays into it. I have rarely felt such hatred well up inside me but your writing is triggering so much and I realize it is good for me. I can ask why am I so triggered? Why can’t I just laugh this one off and shake my head and say ah my gawwwwd these narcissists are so extreme. Why this post?
    I notice my comments don’t get posted. I appreciate that actually. Whether you or anyone reads my comments is not important. I comment to say I hear you. I hear you. I am paying attention. What you say is important. It’s an extreme, that I know. It’s okay. Happy New Year.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your comments go into moderation WW, do read the rules and you will see why that it is.

      Who says the way you start the year is indicative of what’s in store? Utter balls.

      Keep reading and consult with me and I guarantee you will not feel this way by NYE 2019.

    2. K says:

      I read your comments WW and I understand your hatred.

    3. lisk says:

      WW, you started your New Year off right.

      May you continue to work with and through your pain this year to achieve clarity, peace, understanding, and the esteem necessary for a healthy relationship with a healthy man.

      🥂 Cheers to you! 🥂

    4. Sweetest Perfection says:

      WW, I read your comment! And I’m glad I ran into it, I usually miss everyone and when I’m back everyone knows everyone else’s lives and I’m clueless…
      WW, I know it hurts. But it will eventually hurt a little less, and a little less, until it won’t anymore and you will be able to laugh at it. Thanks to HG I was able to make sense out of the whole mess and run away. Knowledge hurts at first, but it’s the only way to get out of this. Stay strong.

      P.S.: Superstitions are as fake as my narcissist’s Facebook posts so don’t believe that BS about New Year’s Eve.

    5. NarcAngel says:

      You are not broken and many people were alone last night despite the fact that they may have been with other people. What you are feeling is normal but it wont last and its good to get it out. That quote about the new year coming in indicative of whats to come was likely coined by a whiny mid-range victim narc, and an Elite narc (HG) has just uttered balls on it. Start the new year off right and upgrade in accepting HG’s opinion.

      Laugh WW. You know you want to.

      1. MB says:

        I’ve always heard the saying that what you were doing at the strike of midnight NYE is indicitive of the coming year too. But it’s just that. A saying. I like what HG said better…balls!

        1. windstorm says:

          Really? I’d always heard you’re supposed to kiss someone you love on the stroke of midnight. If you’re right, that must mean I’ll be kissing the dog all year long. Probably so.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            The dog deserves it and will appreciate it more.

      2. Sweetest Perfection says:

        In any case, she wins, because what she definitely was doing is NOT SPENDING it with the narc. Let that fact be indicative of a narc-free 2019, WW!

      3. Mini duck says:

        Happy New year to all of you on the blogg
        I felt very lonely on the New year eve. I was alone and crying. Hoping that my ex-narc can at least wish me. But he has high ego and he never takes initiativ to anything unless he sees any fuel or advantage for himself.

        Anyway New year started With tears but i hope that somehow Things will be better from now on. I will be strong.

    6. Bubbles🍾 says:

      Dear WW,
      Being alone is good …. you can collect your thoughts
      I luv being alone … Mr Bubbles is always under my feet ..👣. haha…I get very little “alone” time
      I basically “hate” people now too ….but to put it into perspective, I would say “tolerate” is more apt

      We have been severely hurt by people we trusted
      What hurts the most, is, we get angry with ourselves for not knowing better
      We now have the opportunity to know
      I agree with Mr Tudor, you will not be in the same place this time end of 2019

      Allow Mr Tudor to give you the tools to move forward … you can and you will …. you can do this WW
      I focus more on the wonders of the world, nature and animals rather than people now …. so calming
      Hugs precious one …. please take care
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    7. Leanne says:

      I got really triggered when I first came here. After months of listening, interacting with a live persona kinda made me leery. Sometimes I wanted to rip his eyeballs out.

      Needed a little time out 😎 all good.

      I can say: I’ve learned a great deal here. HTH

    8. SuperXena says:

      We hear you, I hear you.

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