I Know Your Weaknesses

 

I KNOW YOUR WEAKNESSES

Do you remember those early, heady days when I first began to seduce you? Of course you do. Those moments have been branded into your memory and can never be erased, no matter how hard you try. So wonderful were those initial months of our courtship as we began our dance together that you cannot help but recall them and feel that bittersweet tinge. Many times as you have fought through your devaluation and discard you have harked back to those magical moments as you sought some kind of solace from them. Somehow, as you sat with tear-stained cheeks you would force a smile through the misery as you latched on to remembering the things that I said to you, those beautiful, loving and mesmerising words which gripped your heart and took it heavenward. It was impossible to resist the love-bombing which I unleashed upon you and similarly it is impossible for you to banish those memories as you sit amongst the debris of our relationship wondering what on earth has happened. You can easily be forgiven for seeking refuge from the misery amongst those golden thoughts. It is the obvious thing to do to try and take away the searing pain which now burns you. Naturally, this is all something which I planned and is a natural consequence of becoming entangled with me. Do not feel any shame in the fact that you keep running to those thoughts and taking hold of them as you seek to ease your agony. Keep doing it. All the others did and all the others will.

As you walk through those wonderful thoughts and memories, replaying our time together like an incessant loop of our “best of” moments do you recall what else you did during this seduction? Can you remember something else that was happening as we created these scintillating memories? Yes I know you can remember, how could you forget? It was one of the many things that I did for you which drew you closer to me and made you fall oh so deeply in love with the illusion. What was it that I did? I made you feel safe. I created that sanctuary and opened the door and ushered you in. I showed you how this gleaming and beautiful paradise was impregnable to the wretched and woeful world beyond. I assured you that being in here with me meant that you need never worry about those things again. I would keep the wailing tormentors from your door and ensure that those things did not trouble you any more. That was the sole condition for entry into this haven that I had constructed for you. Tell me about those things so I can shield you from them. You had never had someone make such a sacrifice for you before. The way we understood how badly those things affected you. We really seemed to grasp the impact that those things had had upon you as we listened with patience and comprehension. You were hesitant at first, the mere act of recollection being one that caused you consternation. You had no issue in confiding in us, no that was not the issue. We had banished any concerns you may have had about trusting us with these secrets within moments, such was our assured charm. No, what troubled you was bringing those dark memories, those fragile foibles to the surface once again. Yet as the words came from your mouth and the tears trickled down your cheeks you felt the cathartic effect of off-loading all of those things to us. From the minor concerns through to the deep-seated and life changing troubles you conveyed each and every one to us and it felt wonderful to do so. The burden came away from you and for the first time ever you felt freedom from those things as you passed the baton onto us and we readily took it from you. You exorcised those ghosts and stepped into our sanctuary elated and delighted to have been able to purge those things from yourself and embrace a new start with us. For too long those things had held you back. For too long you had walked a rocky road alone, stooped and bent double under the weight of your concerns. There had been others but you did not feel able to share the load as you did with me. I was different. There was something about me which made you feel like you could tell me anything and everything and I would deal with it. I would flex those angelic wings and extend them to surround and protect you. Unburdened by those things you walked taller, felt stronger and you had me to thank for this process. Your gratitude and admiration flowed incessantly and I was only too happy to wash myself in this fountain of praise although in keeping with the personae I had created I accepted your compliments with humble acknowledgement. You entered my sanctuary and told me all your weaknesses.

This was achieved in such a way that you felt no shame in telling me them. That was another difference. You knew I would not judge you for them. You knew I would not regard you as silly or stupid for having certain concerns.

“It is how you regard them that matters, not how everyone else views them.”

You remember that sentence and how you seized it with great gladness, thankful that at last somebody understood and recognised how to deal with your concerns. Your confidence in me was absolute and I even made it seem as if actually liked your weaknesses and that gave you great comfort.

All I was doing as you sat there on those many occasions where you shared your concerns, your vulnerabilities and weaknesses with me (for they did not all come out in one session, no, it took weeks of careful extraction on many different occasions to amass them all) was stockpiling my armoury. Your admission that you cannot swim and thus are terrified of deep water was moulded into a missile. Your explanation that you were bullied at school because you had short hair arising from having to have it shorn because your brother poured glue over your head one time became a hand grenade. The fact your suffer a noticeable red flush across your chest and neck when you feel agitated created a bullet. Your confession that you suffer excessive wind formed another bullet. The abuse you suffered at the hands of a family member when you were eight became a thermonuclear device ready to detonate at a later date. Each and every weakness, from your inability to resist eating a packet of biscuits in one sitting through to your fear of public speaking was noted, recorded and fashioned into a weapon. You thought you were safe in the sanctuary. That was just an illusion. You were actually sat in my armoury and I was there with you creating these weapons to use against you at a later date. Each weakness you admitted to me you thought you were handing to me for me to carry on your behalf. The reality was you were giving me the material from which I could create a weapon – be it a sharp stick with which to prod you or a nuclear missile to obliterate you. You thought it was some form of absolution but all you were doing was arming me.

I always want to know about your weaknesses. Your weaknesses become forged into my strengths in readiness for the war of devaluation that I shall wage against you. Keep talking, there is an arsenal to be created.

 

36 thoughts on “I Know Your Weaknesses

  1. Sarah says:

    Yes, I have never known another person with a memory so sharp for every finer detail…years abating makes no difference. There is a chilling precision to the calculating mind of an N; their archives are endless. It is unnerving albeit necessary to remember and reflect back on this because I never want to feed another person the ammunition with which to fire at me again.

  2. Leanne says:

    So true….
    And one of the things that hurt the most was his use of that knowledge that drove daggers in my heart. That painful maliciousness.. difficult to understand too

  3. WiserNow says:

    The narcissist makes human characteristics into weaknesses, because this is how they create an arsenal. Their need to have an arsenal in the first place indicates their need to have power over someone else.

    The tendency or willingness of the non-narc to see their own human traits as “weaknesses” paves the way for their own selves to be overpowered.

    The truth will set you free. This is a cliche and honesty is not always the best policy. However, we are all human and we each have our own human characteristics, our own habits, tendencies, beliefs, appearance, social status, etc.

    If we see our human characteristics as “weaknesses” then they WILL be weaknesses. If we see them as part of being human then we have nothing to fear and these “weaknesses” lose their power to harm us because we won’t care as much what others think because they have their own such “weaknesses”.

    If we learn to see ourselves and each other as human with a range of different characteristics we can learn to see our traits as something more than “weaknesses”.

    I’m not sure this can ever happen in a universal way for everyone. It would require a universally equal level of compassion and knowledge and that would be some kind of nirvana that’s not realistic. But at the very least, it may be possible for some people to at least try and develop inner compassion for themselves on an individual basis to see their own “weakness” in a different light and hopefully then also foster the same compassion and knowledge for others.

    1. WiserNow says:

      Actually they will even take your strengths and try to turn them into weaknesses that can be used against you eventually. If there is something about you or something that you’ve done that you feel good about, it makes them jealous, even if it’s something you did that benefits them too! They don’t see the mutual benefits and positive aspects. I think all they see is that it reflects badly on them in the “contest” they have going on in their minds All. The. Time.

      1. nunya biz says:

        WN,
        jealousy is evil, imo. I feel it, but I shut it off. I feel it is a trick of the mind. And no, I don’t mean over cheating or something where someone’s feelings are being actively ignored, I mean every day type jealousy.

        I totally agree about the strengths to weakness, it is what makes me the most angry. I woke up this morning thinking about how narcissists can make me feel like they are turning me into a statue. Like turning water into stone. It feels painful.

        1. WiserNow says:

          nunya biz

          I think jealousy is evil too. It’s a waste of energy and it’s a kind of blindness. And I think I know what you mean about being turned into a statue and the pain of feeling like that. I’ve felt feelings like that before. In the past, when I’ve tried to get a real kind of emotional connection with narcissistic people close to me and it ended badly or in a disagreement etc, I have felt like I’m being crushed between large stones. I felt a tightening in my chest and a deep sadness or despair. When that happened, I ‘knew’, because I would get cognitive thoughts like warnings, that it would take a long time to wait for those painful feelings to slowly work their way out of my body. I really hated when that happened.

          Before, I thought that was just how arguments and conflicts were, and that they were “normal” things in families, couples etc. I would try again, thinking that I just had to accept it. Now, I don’t want that anymore at all. It’s not “normal” and it is very painful. It leaves a sadness that can’t or won’t fully go away. I would rather completely walk away from those people than feel those feelings again.

          I think I understand you nunya biz. It’s really difficult when your closest family make you feel that way. I’m sorry you feel that way and I hope you can find people who make you much happier 🙂

      2. nunya biz says:

        Thank you so much, WN. It’s interesting I am having a similar convo with mommypino and NA on the recent savior empath page. About mixed signals about what is normal and how we respond. That is what I am wanting to do, to take more ownership of what kind of interactions I want to have and not be so permissive. I find it really challenging. I definitely want to surround myself with people who encourage the right things instead of seeking loopholes or unhealthy unbreakable connections.

      3. nunya biz says:

        You know what else, WN. I think the reason I feel the water to stone thing is because it’s like you get frozen into your weaknesses. Like they purposely stop the “interaction” part of the relationship that encourages you to be a better person. I start to feel insane and crazy because the person is so busy playing on my weaknesses to get something they don’t want me to improve and so never say those encouraging things that might give me more freedom.
        Alternatively it could be if seeing a person be successful wanting to take credit.

    2. lisk says:

      WiserNow,

      You make an excellent point about how we make things easy for the narc:

      “The tendency or willingness of the non-narc to see their own human traits as “weaknesses” paves the way for their own selves to be overpowered.”

      It’s time I accept and embrace and just roll with my human traits, whether I like them or not (yes, sometimes I reject or hide my best traits, not just my supposed “weak” ones). Doing this might just make my life a little easier and more relaxed. Then I might just end up being easier on other people (the ones that I give a hard time to) as well.

      1. WiserNow says:

        lisk,

        Embracing your human traits and having more self-compassion does start to make you feel more relaxed, I have found. It helps to take away the critical inner voice that makes you feel as though you’re doing things wrong or you need to do more etc.

        I used to have a very harsh and critical inner voice and I think it stemmed from having controlling parents. I always seemed to be anxious about things, even small everyday kinds of things. When I started to feel more self-compassion, the critical voice died down and I felt more relaxed. At first I really noticed the difference, so I started to practice it more and more and I find that it helps.

        Best wishes to you. I hope that, whatever you decide to do, you start feeling better this year 🙂

    3. mommypino says:

      Hi WiserNow,

      What you said resonated with me so much. It doesn’t matter what they think about us. Whether they think that we are doormats or weaklings, it will not affect us unless we allow it. We have so many strong characteristics that can be a force for good. We don’t need their validation. We just need to believe in ourselves and cherish the traits that we have.

      1. WiserNow says:

        I totally agree mommypino, it doesn’t matter what other people think about us, especially if we know that we have good intentions and haven’t lied or deliberately manipulated anyone and we feel that we have done our best.

        Kindness and honesty are not weaknesses, not at all, you just have to think with logic and yes, believe in yourself and feel respect for your own “self”. I think it helps to feel these traits are strong characteristics because it’s then harder for anyone to take advantage of you.

        1. windstorm says:

          WiserNow
          Very true!

    4. windstorm says:

      WiserNow
      The WordPress gremlins won’t let me like any comments on this thread. So I’m just letting you know that I think all your comments here are very true! Like✅

      1. WiserNow says:

        Hi Windstorm,

        Thank you for your ‘Likes’!✅ That is lovely of you 🙂 Please know that I always like and appreciate your comments whether I’m included in the thread or not. I’m not always logged in to WordPress when looking at narcsite and I can only ‘like’ when using WordPress, so I get what you’re saying. I saw your comment about the baby possum falling into your coffee cup and it made me laugh. Poor little mite! It sounds like baby possums are curious.

        I hope you have a wonderful 2019 this year. Thank you for your open-minded and generous-hearted understanding and advice. I was thinking about you yesterday, and about other regular commenters here who always have time to offer encouragement and understanding. I’m so grateful for you all. It helps more than you know, so thank you xxx

        1. windstorm says:

          WiserNow
          Thank you. I’m very grateful for all you all too. We all can use encouragement and understanding and it’s a wonderful thing that we can find it here on the blog!

  4. Abw Flying says:

    I should remember not to write “ No activities in the air “on my dating site profile intro ( if I decide to do one ).

  5. Chihuahuamum says:

    I think one of the hardest adjustments ive had to make with the 3 narcs in my life is to refrain from opening up fully about my weaknesses and how i feel. Im the type of person who is like an open book i want to communicate freely and honestly but you simply cant with narcissists bc theyll use it as ammunition later down the line. Years ago i stopped confiding to my mother and recently with my mother in law. Im careful to only divulge certain things to certain people and they vary depending which narc it is bc some things wont factor in with one narc whereas another will use it.
    The narc im with ive almost fully stopped confiding important aspects of how im feeling but i do give way to nonimportant things to give the illusion i trust him and am opening up when in reality he hasnt the foggiest about what im feeling truely or different aspects of my life.
    My first instinct is to open up but the skill of holding back has been a hard one to learn and ive learned it sevetal times the hard way by getting burned.
    Also upon meeting someone new im very careful what info i volunteer about myself and i moreso observe and learn about them.
    Huge red flag is a person whose too accomidating in wanting to support you and lend an open ear. Sadly you have to protect yourself and be cautious what you tell people bc many dont have your best interest at heart. We live in a narcissistic world more and more. We are the minoroty as empaths.

    1. Mercy says:

      Chi, I can relate to what you are saying. Once I figured out that my weaknesses will be used against me I stopped confiding. Have you ever said something like “what upsets me the most…” And then realize as soon as you said it, it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. I’ve slipped up and confided out of habit. Only now I know that it’ll be used against me so I’m prepared where as before it always blew my mind.

      1. nunya biz says:

        Yep, have lessened that habit

      2. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi mercy…ive done that over and over letting my guard down and in a moment of happiness saying something or confiding in something that has upset me not necessarily bc of the narc but still letting him know. The less info they have the better.

        1. Mercy says:

          Chi, I agree!! I’m getting better keeping my guard up.

      3. nunya biz says:

        Nice stems, Mercy ; )

        1. Mercy says:

          Haha thanks luv!

    2. WiserNow says:

      Chimum,
      I agree. You always need to be on guard with a narcissist. I think they actually enjoy hearing about the things that upset or annoy you. I think that hearing about those things makes them feel better about themselves. You need to adopt a relaxed armour of quiet strength around them even when you actually feel otherwise.

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi wisernow…what you said about narcissists enjoying hearing whats bothering or upsetting you …good point! They gather that knowledge to use later in their toolbox but youre right i think they take pleasure in hearing about it. Like the old saying misery loves company. My mum is one of these individuals shes happiest when something stressful is going on in my life and her narcissism comes out when im at my happiest. One such instance was when i moved into a new house and was very happy about it. She didnt come and visit for awhile and when she did finally she never said congratulations or anything positive about our home.

    3. nunya biz says:

      Btw, CM, I have started to view my willingness to “dump information” at someone as a red flag that they are a narcissist. It is not 100%, there are a few other things that can cause me to have that feeling with someone.
      Here’s why it’s a red flag for me:
      It means that something inside me is picking up on something in them…
      -judgment
      -a bent toward competitiveness/one upsmanship
      -misinterpretation
      etc, etc, etc…

      What I think happens is that the person is mirroring and ACTING like they are kind and not judgmental, like me, so I feel like I SHOULD feel comfortable opening up, but that alone doesn’t cause me to do it.
      Then what happens is that I feel the other stuff, the negative stuff that they are hiding. It’s very subtle. So I do kind of open up and then I see indicators and I start to go a little overboard in explaining because subconsciously I have this tendency to believe that if anyone only understood me then they would “get” me and my flaws and all would be well.

      It’s a little ridiculous, but that’s what I think happens. So now when I feel myself even leaning that direction I back up and reassess.

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi nunya biz…great name btw lol i totally get what youre saying. Im glad you brought that up about the belief that if only someone gets us they will not judge us and will support us but the biggest belief ive learned here is that people have different perspectives and not everyone will agree or sympathise. Then you throw npd into the equation and they will in a calculated manner use weaknesses to hurt and manipulate.
        Im still struggling with this bc i want to open up and have someone to confide in i think bc i have no parent ive been able to do that with but the reality is you cant trust everyone.
        Im careful now and really watch what i tell people. On this blog im open but even at that youll find people formulating opinions or judgements which is human nature, but its been my outlet and more safe than with people in my life i meet or know.
        Its better to take a long time getting to know someone before you start opening up about personal matters.
        Even my best friend doesnt know certain aspects of my life.

        1. nunya biz says:

          Lol, I wasn’t even thinking about my name being on topic here.
          I wrote you a response and I think I accidentally deleted it. I feel the same as you are describing- vulnerable, but wary. There’s nothing worse than trusting someone and then finding out they don’t have the strength to handle it. And then yeah, narcissists can really have that boundary issue, anything from throwing something personal back in your face to bigger, such as seeking out personal info for nefarious purposes. I’ve been trying to take responsibility for what info I share, double checking if I really want to share something and making sure I just don’t if I’m not into it. And someone should be comfortable with a slow pace, imo.

      2. windstorm says:

        Nunya Biz
        I’m not advocating not to stop sharing, back up and reassess. That’s a safe policy. But people over share with me all the time and I’m definitely not a narc. Sometimes it may just be an empathic person who actually cares.

        1. nunya biz says:

          Totally, WS. I’d probably tell you all kinds of stuff.
          I think there is a difference in a way…it’s like I actually end up saying some stuff I don’t fully want to say or I feel weird about it. Or like the stuff I do say ends up immediately turning into something I feel I have to re-explain. Or the person wants more information somehow. Another thing I notice I’ve done is tell someone something personal about myself in order to make them feel better about something. With a narcissist they seem to take it some other direction. Like CM saying the word “calculated”. I’ve a few times spent energy being defensive instead of looking at how the person is calculating.
          Great point, because some people are easy to open up to. I like to think that I am. I really have very little judgement about people.

        2. nunya biz says:

          One of the things I’ve started trying to pay attention to, also, WS, is looking for signs of genuine empathy (not cognitive based).

          1. WhoCares says:

            Hi nunya biz,

            I agree with you; that it is important to learn how to identity genuine empathy – I find I’m getting better at identifying false empathy for sure but it takes practice and really good observation. I also agree with you that it is easy to over share with some people and Windstorm is definitely one of those people it is easy to share with – so I could see how people over share with her in real life!

            However, recently, in my personal life I have learned that sometimes sharing with genuinely empathetic people still puts me at risk. Such people will not use the information you share about yourself against you later – the way that a narc will – but I have found the danger is that other genuinely empathetic people themselves do not have the boundaries that I have now (as a result of being badly burnt by narcissists) and they tend to over share with others (with my information) in just being generally chatty, caring and sharing. I have caused hurt feelings by pointing this out to a certain individual because it wasn’t done with negative intentions but this person couldn’t see the damage it might cause later. So now I’m guarded with all people in my personal everyday life.

  6. Newby 1111 says:

    That quiver of arrows always looking for the chink in my armor. Thank you HG for the chink repairs. The arrows of weakness from hense, go only to my journal and my chink repairs deflect the arrows created from past.

    1. lisk says:

      Newby, make sure to keep that journal under lock and key! 🔐

  7. Leslie says:

    Powder. Hunter scene.

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