The Five Disengagement (Discard) Triggers
The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are giving the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.
The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.
Then comes the disengagement (discard) and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be. There are however reasons why you are disengaged from. These are those reasons.
- You Have Wised Up
You have worked out, usually as a consequence of some external assistance that we must provoke you and make you react in an emotional fashion. You may not entirely understand why this dynamic occurs, you may not realise why it is so important to us, but you know that we want to make you react and you have stopped doing so. You have learned to respond in a neutral fashion and thus deprive us of our fuel. We apply our machinations in a harsher fashion, increasing the pressure to cause you to react as we feed on our secondary sources in the meanwhile but your resistance is substantial. You have not walked away, perhaps you are unable for financial reasons, children or the inconvenience of seeking a new home, but you have turned off the tap and we realise that it is not going to be turned back on anytime soon. We do not want to be in this weakened state and we do not wish to apply the energy we need to finding or embedding a new primary source to be used up on trying to squeeze fuel from you. Thus you are dropped.
- The New Source Is in Place
We began our devaluation of you as we sought a replacement for you. This explains the repeated affairs and now we have settled on your replacement as a primary source of fuel. He or she has been seduced and embedded into our supply chain. We are confident that they are functioning well, pouring forth delicious positive fuel in significant quantities and in a reliable manner, far better than you ever did. We have been fuelled by your negative fuel but there is no longer any need to keep you in play now that we have our new bright and shiny plaything. On to the scrap heap you go. We will come back later for a hoover of course, but for now it is adios.
- You’re Broken
Although it may seem during devaluation that we are trying to destroy you, that is actually not the case. Yes, we are driving you downwards through our repeated application of horrible manipulations but we do not want to finish you off. Just like somebody’s head we are holding under water, we will let you surface spluttering and gasping for air, by way of a respite period before plunging you into the icy water once again and holding you under. In and out, up and down, push and pull. We will have you bouncing along the bottom but not destroyed. Sometimes we go too far and the avalanche of abuse takes its toll on you resulting in you becoming broken. You are left numb, barely functioning or even hospitalised as a consequence of a break down. You provide us with no reaction any longer. Unlike the first instance above, this is not by choice, but as a consequence of our behaviour breaking you. Knowing now that you will not provide us with any fuel, we show our callous nature by taking no interest in your broken state but instead we shift our focus to embedding the new prospect that we have been cultivating and drop you.
- Major Exposure
You may have us worked out but your shock and horror at this, along with your desire to actually try to help and change us, means you continue you to spill out fuel towards us. You have the knowledge but you are not using it effectively, so we see no reason to go elsewhere. You may be trying to tell other people about our terrible behaviours but we have got in first, launched the smear campaign and maintained the façade. It is business as usual. Occasionally however you might just outflank us and manager to tell other people what we are like before we can do anything about it. These people see some incontrovertible evidence that you have obtained (admittedly usually obtain when dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind) and take your side. News spreads and those people we thought we could rely on either turn their backs on us or worse take your side. The façade is crumbling. The fuel has stopped and the energy required to change people’s minds (with no guarantee of success) is too great. We have been exposed in a major fashion. Rather than face the music and allow ourselves to be destroyed we drop you like a stone, saddle up and ride out of town in order to find a new place which hasn’t heard about who we are.
- Wounding with Intent
You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap but you know how to obtain the ultimate revenge against us and your emotion-free criticisms are launched at us. These criticisms wound us repeatedly, burning and hurting us and with no way of getting fuel from you, we are being beaten. You have been well schooled by somebody and applying those learned lessons you are starting to attack the very pillars of our existence. We are under a serious attack and fighting back is not an option. We need to flee and quickly. We don’t want you any longer, we know we cannot succeed at this moment in time and therefore we need to beat a retreat and promptly. You don’t want to let us off the hook because you want answers and you want to punish us for what we have done to you. You are not going to end our connection. We are not going to hang around however and we will discard you as we beat that retreat so we can recover, replenish and then look to strike back at a later date when your guard may be down.
20 thoughts on “The Five Disengagement (Discard) Triggers”
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Is disengagement risky because the Narc could lose the heart and mind of his victim?
The Narc is hoovering after he disengaged, but I am ignoring thanks to you. I wonder how he feels.
No, if we wish to disengage then we do so for very good reasons.
Hi H.G.,
Is this a new article? I like it!
#5 all the way for me – a “man” caused great harm to me. I wish he had just left me alone. I wonder if he does?
Hopefully, justice will be served.
No, it’s an existing article, Kate.
I think number 5 fits perfectly for my situation. There was just no fuel no benefits and me pointing out how weird and self absorbed and future faking and everything else , but this was not delivered with fuel there was no anger no upset just complete contempt , indifference and and in some ways ridicule . Game over !! This is why i don’t think there will be anymore hoovers , yes i can enter his mind and be painted white due to 4 months of no contact but i don’t think there’s any benefits for him if he does hoover . I was still expecting it though over christmas and New Year, but it never happened but i had slight anxiety about it . I do believe there were some passive small hoovers , but i don’t know now if that’s just my imagination working over time
A long time ago I didn’t have this glamour.
I was a very dull little crab…
But now I am happy and in fullness,
Because I’m so beautiful, baby.
Your heart your grandmother made you listen.
I know how you are inside.
I’m going to take that argument apart,
She lied.
Better to be:
Billiant!
Like the treasure of a ship that sank.
The deck I have
Brilliant!
Just like a million-dollar necklace
Wait a second! Do you know…?
…The silly fish are:
They’re always looking for something brilliant.
Beginners! Oh
And they go without ton nor are they
Towards that which is most radiant.
Mmm, that’s good!
Come, little fish ( fish)
in a little dress (fish!)
Well, well, well…!
Maui has a problem with her appearance.
Little semi-mini-mini-god.
Ow! What a terrible spectacle!
Come here!
Okay. The big hook’s on you.
However, I have something to thank you for,
And the tatoos of your body,
Well, I also created a work of art from me.
Or don’t you see it?
I am very
Brilliant!
I shine like a diamond or a ruby
I’m like this, a guy
Brilliant!
No army would make me succumb.
It’s enough for me.
Maui, uncle…
You can try,
But never before has a half-god
He beat a decapod.
Look at him!
You will die now,
I’ll get you out with precision.
Your heart.
Far from those who abandoned you
You searched among humans for love and affection.
You think you are very hard,
But your fragile armour is.
Maui!
Now I’m going to kick you!
Did you see anyone so…
…Brilliant?
The last thing you’ll see is me.
C’est la vie, mon ami…
I’m brilliant!
A wish before eating you will ask.
You will die!
You will never be so radiant,
You’ll never be so brilliant!
The Spanish letter is not wasted and is slightly different from the English one.
For this reason I upload it
I feel so fish ajajajajajajj.
Brilliant. Brilliant. I am so brilliant.
He saddled up and rode out .Didn’t even bother to come get his crap. Doesn’t have anything with anybody. Deuces!
1, 3, 4, 5, then I told her( my Matrinarc) quietly I was going to twist her fucking head off! Had she even made eye contact, I would have. Apparently she believed me, 1 call in 2 yrs. Woo hoo!
H.G Tudor, now I only see things that refer to narcissists…
I was watching Disney’s Vaiana because it was on TV… and the Crab appeared with its song, it reminded me so much of what it says to narcissists.
So shiny…
https://youtu.be/93lrosBEW-Q
J.G.,
That was interesting; I didn’t know that Disney had to change the name of Moana (the North American version of ‘Vaiana’) but I googled Vaiana because I recognized the song “Shiny” that you referred to.
I agree that song, and the character who sings it, reminded me of narcissists and their facade…especially the crab’s decorated shell which is a hodgepodge of stolen bits and pieces…baubles and treasures taken and formed into a pretty – and nearly indestructible – exterior.
Very shiny indeed…
Also, that song is kinda catchy and has some apt lyrics…
” Don’t you know
Fish are dumb, dumb, dumb
They chase anything that glitters (beginners!)
Oh, and here they come, come, come
To the brightest thing that glitters
Mmm, fish dinners…
… Shiny
Watch me dazzle like a diamond in the rough
Strut my stuff…
…You will die, die, die
Now it’s time for me to take apart
Your aching heart”
WhoCares
Ha ha ha…so true! We are the fishes.
K,
Indeed…well, now we are informed fish…sadly, though, there are still plenty more unaware lil fishies in the ocean who will take the bait.
Still, I think it is inevitable though…sometimes we don’t want the shiny stuff but just to reclaim our power (like Maui) but we don’t even know it…battle with the narcissist is one of the ways we find out that we’ve given away our power…the problem becomes when we want more than what’s owed us..
Does that make any sense? I’m low on sleep..
WhoCares
You make complete sense.
As informed fishes, we can only look upon the uninformed fishes with dread and we feel powerless.
Once we reclaim our power, we want to share it with others and we don’t necessarily need the shiny stuff or the spotlight, but then I think about the moral of The Empath Who Cried Narcissist:
“but they are not your battle. Look to your own defences. They have to suffer some more before they realise and it is then and only then that you can give them logic . . .’
And then we need to step back and let go. It is as simple as that.
Thank-you K,
You found more sense in my comment than even I saw there, lol!
Oh my; that feeling of dread and a sense of powerlessness as we look on at the uninformed fishies – yes!!
And thank-you for referencing the moral below:
“the moral of The Empath Who Cried Narcissist:
‘but they are not your battle. Look to your own defences. They have to suffer some more before they realise and it is then and only then that you can give them logic . . .’ ”
It reminds me so much of how I feel about my younger favourite cousins (they would be about the closest thing I have to siblings – although I have been out of touch with them since mid-entanglement; they only know bits and pieces of the aftermath). But since my education here I realize that their father is a narcissist – it is the only thing that explains his behaviour (volatile temper, alcohol, women parading through his life) since their mother died. Their mother and father were married for 26 plus years and I would have never guessed that he was a narcissist during their marrige for (it looked happy from outside.) But since my aunt’s death he has been horrible to his children – who still live at home – and now it all starts to make sense…they would be non-intimate secondary sources but at times more like non-intimate primaries because he hasn’t been able to establish a new formal relationship. They blame his behaviour on alcohol and dealing with their mother’s death…but that’s just a justification. I want to scream at them: he’s a narcissist! But they are adults and I have directed one of them here (with regard to dating) and that’s all I can do for now…like you said:
“And then we need to step back and let go. It is as simple as that.”
Unfortunately, also for me, I realize that I cannot reach out and help them right now because I have so much of my own life to fix…sometimes when I want to help others I realize that I may actually be throwing them a lifebuoy or safety net from a sinking ship…
WhoCares
We have the knowledge and we want to reach out and help, but like you wrote: your cousins blame shift their father’s behaviour on alcohol and their mother’s death.
They just can’t/don’t want to “see” so we can only state our case once and walk away. That is all we can do.
Maybe your cousins will wise up and move out.
The facade is so effective/powerful that many people are fooled and think families/marriages look happy from the outside when, in fact, they are not. Talk about doubting your reality, that’s a nice dose of gas lighting.
Many parents will use their children as NIPS (non-intimate primary sources). My mother uses my twin as a primary source.
We can throw lifebuoys and safety nets but people need to swim and help themselves, too. We cannot swim for them and that is why we need to step back and let go, or you will sink right along with them.
Focus on yourself so you can help others from a position of strength.
K,
You speak sense and truth. I know these things but sometimes it helps to see someone else say them in print.
And yes, the facade is indeed effective – anyone would likely have said the same thing regarding my aunt and uncle’s marriage; many people saw them as happy and fulfilled in their marriage and they dealt with stress through humour etc…but I realize now that their mother likely protected her children from a lot of what might have been going on…I cannot be sure and I cannot ask my aunt about these things since she’s gone now.
And yes, you are so right – I cannot really help anyone (to that extent) until it is from a position of strength and safety myself.
Thank you WhoCares
Many of us here are trying to figure things out and it is very helpful to share our thoughts so we can make sense of them.
The facade is a very effective manipulation. I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the news and heard something like this: They were the nicest couple; I can’t believe s(he) shot and killed the whole family and then killed her/himself.
Take care of yourself first and then you can reach out and help, but do so in a discriminate manner because your time and energy is too precious to waste on people who aren’t interested in helping themselves.
Thank-you K <3
My pleasure WhoCares!
Hello H.G Tudor
Mine were the points : 2 and 3 mainly this last one.
I felt exhausted, on one occasion he told me: Do you have horchata in your veins? Phrase that indicates to be frightened and pusillanimous. Don’t react to anything. Blood is a symbol of life and courage. Horchata is a white drink that is extracted from tigernuts and that, in addition, what affects the meaning of the locution, is taken very cold. Of the proverbial passivity.
In those times I received everywhere….. (Maltreatment) I didn’t set any limits…
Where were my limits in those times? I think I left them in the drawer of my bedroom dresser. With 18 one is with the head in another thing, love 🙂
When I remember it I want revenge, but when I rationalize it and calm down and want to ignore it.