THE GOLDEN RULES OF FREEDOM – NO. 3

golden 3

Change.

Dangled by the cruel mistress that is Eternal Hope, the possibility of change, the prospect of alteration and the desire to be there when it happens is a key manifestation of the emotional thinking that keeps a victim ensnared to the narcissist.

There can be no change.

The Lesser Narcissist has no idea what he or she is. Indeed, the Lesser invariably lacks any awareness of their behaviour being considered as ‘wrong’ by a third party. This is how it must be, because from the Narcissistic Perspective, the Lesser is doing what is right for her or him and it matters not the consequences for anybody else. The Lesser’s utter lack of any form of empathy also means that the blindness is so total that change cannot and will not happen. The Lesser will bulldoze through life, the proverbial wrecking ball, causing damage and chaos but seeing nothing wrong with doing so. He or she cannot understand why you are so upset, he or she knows that you deserved that beating and there is nothing wrong with them. The re-appearance of the Golden Period (or more usually since it is a Lesser – the Bronze Period) provides the victim with hope that the worst is over, that the narcissist has taken heed of your tear-filled pleading and look, it has happened, there is change.

This is not a permanent change. It is just part of the ongoing manipulation (and therefore there is no change) but it will give you false hope. It will stop you escaping the narcissist, it will encourage you to keep trying, to maintaining the belief that something can be done so that the narcissist interacts with you in a less hurtful and more benign way. Soon enough the devaluation will appear again – no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix – and you will cling on, trying various methods to bring back that respite period once more or the return to the Golden/Bronze Period. You did not effect that change, the narcissist did it because it suited him or her to do so. They chose because they must always control and it is because of this constant need for control that change cannot and must not happen.

The Mid-Range Narcissist is the member of the brethren who uses the prospect of change to a better way, a happier way, a healthier way more than any other school. It is a repeated protestation (see But I Can Change ) . With no emotional empathy, but usually a degree of (fake) cognitive empathy, the Mid Range Narcissist will choose to make some improvements in his or her behaviour. Sometimes it is the re-appearance of the Golden Period (as explained above) which gives the appearance of change,  but it is merely part of the ongoing manipulation that forms part of the narcissistic dynamic. In other instances there will be a temporary alteration in behaviours (usually as a consequence of being part of a Preventative Hoover). This again is just part of the manipulation and is only done to enable the narcissist to exert control over the victim once again and ensure that the Prime Aims are met. Once that control is achieved (i.e. the escape is stopped) or another appliance is obtained to recruit the non-compliant/less compliant one – the supposed change in behaviour will end.

Often a combination of this form of manipulation and the effect of emotional thinking causes the victim to believe that long-lasting change has been effected. It has not. The Mid Ranger, with a higher cognitive function and more application may well attend therapy, may well seek treatment for drinking, may well start helping out more around the house and with the children but it will not last and is only being done to ensure the narcissist’s needs, primarily fuel, are being met. Similar to the Lesser, the Mid Range does not regard his or her behaviour as the problem. Yes, they will have sufficient cognitive function to recognise that their behaviour is viewed as problematic by third parties (hence why the Mid Ranger relies so heavily on maintaining the facade – ‘keeping up appearances’) but they are incapable of ever accepting culpability, liability or blame for their actions.

Accordingly, the alteration in behaviour will only ever be temporary. This is because it is driven not by a recognition that the Mid Range Narcissist is at fault (the narcissism blinds the Mid Ranger to it ever being his or her fault) but is driven purely by getting what the narcissist wants and needs. Once those needs are met, the supposed change stops. Thus, this is why there cannot be change.

You might think “Aha, well if I keep the narcissist thinking that he is going to lose me, then he will modify his behaviours all of the time to keep me.” Nice try. Firstly, you will not be capable of sustaining such an environment. You will find it too draining and too difficult to keep gauging how you should treat us, not to mention that behaving this way runs contrary to your empathic traits. However, the main reason this will not work is because the narcissist will eventually regard you as not complying and look to replace you for a model which is functioning more effectively.  You will be changed, the narcissist will not.

The vast majority of our brethren are Lesser or Mid Range Narcissists and therefore recognising and accepting that there will be no change, conquering your emotional thinking which tries to convince you that you are witnessing change, that it can be achieved, that more effort from you and so forth, are central to this golden rule. There will be no change. Accept that and stop applying your energies to trying to achieve that which cannot be achieved. Anything which tells you to the contrary is emotional thinking.

As for those who claimed to have changed our kind. Mistaken or liars.

As for those who claim to be of our kind and to have changed. Mistaken or liars.

There may be someone who is narcissistic who has altered their behaviours, but they were not a narcissist. The narcissist will not change.

What of the much rarer Greater? Our heightened awareness means that of all the schools we possess the potential for modification, but not wholesale change. There can be no wholesale change because this is what we are, this is how we have been designed and created. Certain elements that you wish to see as a consequence of change are just not there and never will be. You cannot inject emotional empathy into us. We function so effectively, why alter a winning combination? Why take an unnecessary risk? There is no compelling reason to do so. Might we modify? Potentially yes, but once again the overriding need of our narcissism is such that we regard doing so as an unnecessary alteration to our power, a shift in control which is not required. Like the Mid Ranger, we will implement temporary change to achieve our aims, but this is done as an act of largesse and not as a pleading, snivelling last ditch attempt to halt you leaving. You will be grateful for our magnanimous gesture of reigning in our malice – albeit it will only be for so long as we need to and then normal service will be resumed.

The Lesser and Mid-Range cannot change. The Greater may modify, but sees no compelling reason to do so.

There will be no change.

Understand this. Accept this. Apply it and this will advance you further to your freedom and release you from the yoke of false hope that change might happen.

17 thoughts on “THE GOLDEN RULES OF FREEDOM – NO. 3

  1. Melalina says:

    HG….off topic slightly, yet on it! London G. Stay Awake. Loud!

  2. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Dear HG, which of the three schools is more likely to accept to attend couples’ therapy with his IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Mid Range.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Thank you.

      2. Alexissmith2016 says:

        My sister is an UMN and her husband a LMN. They went to marriage counselling. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall to observe the manipulations going on there.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Alexissmith2016, I wonder how that will end. This N told me he goes to therapy with his IPPS because she complains that he never takes her into consideration when making plans and withdraws affection often (what a surprise). He also told me he had slept in the guest room that night because they had a fight about that. Why he was telling me (IPSS) all that is a mystery. At least to me, of course HG knows. I was surprised he did not consider my existence an obstacle for their therapy to succeed… compartmentalizing much?

      3. Alexissmith2016 says:

        SP, I’m not sure how it will end but they are certainly fed up with each other and have been for the past 10 years. Basically since their wedding. They got married within 6 month of meeting. He was in a relationship when they met.

        Some of the Ns I engage with seem to be aligned to a particular school/ cadre, with a small number of traits from others.

        These two are absolutely textbook LMrN and UMRN. No deviation from that at all, except he is not married to a carrier empath, rather a UMRN but she certainly bares the brunt of the workload.

        They maintain a facade because of my sister but their have been infidelities along the way.

        Their children, close in age have all been diagnosed with ODD. Needless to say it is an incredibly disfunctional household.

        I’m sure you’re N tells you that he slept in the guest room and that they had a fight, to keep your hopes alive. Then he can also triangulate on another occasion to say therapy is working and they’re going to give things a proper chance. You can then be placed on the shelf until he wants to take you off again and he will likely tell you what a mistake he made.

        Of course HG will definitely know what he’s up to!

      4. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Alexissmith2016, thanks for your response. I thought about that possibility before (narc telling me that to keep the options open pretending he would soon leave wife etc). The only problem to that is that I never wanted to have those hopes up in the first place as he knew, because I told him so, that I don’t want to break up my marriage. I know in his imagination I am shelved (I prefer benched, more like football), but I went NC and I’m not playing anymore.

      5. Alexissmith2016 says:

        It sounds like you’re doing well SP!

        I know what you mean re terminology.

        I’m still trying to create another term for dirty empath! Any suggestions welcome!

  3. Cindy says:

    Standing in my kitchen. Wrapped in his strong arms. He’s telling me how sorry he is. He hates to see me cry. I squeezed him tighter. Inhaled his smell. I absolutely knew I would never hold him again. I knew there would be no change.
    I just held him. I wanted this moment to be burned into my brain. He kept repeating the same old promises and lies. I paid no attention to his words. I just wanted to hold him one last time.
    We said goodbye. I knew he already had a replacement. I’m grateful for that because it gives me much needed time to gather strength. I know the Hoover is coming. I have to be strong and remain NC. I finally understood. After 12 years. There will be no change.
    Thanks for your teachings HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. 2SF says:

      That made me cry Cindy. I wish I could have held ‘my’ narc just for once. I’m really sorry for you and I hope you will manage to stay NC. Take care xx

  4. mommypino says:

    This is such a great distinction between someone who is just highly narcissistic and a real narcissist. My mom with NPD never changed even when the former excuses for her behaviors are no longer present, she still hasn’t changed.

  5. Marina says:

    Hi H.G. Question for you. I’ve read that one can be a narcissist without being a sociopath. Whenever I tried to delve further to clarify this I’ve come up with nothing. I know sociopaths do not feel empathy but isn’t that also true of people with N.P.D? What’s your take on this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Both are without empathy yes, there are some differences with regard to the relevant traits.

      1. Kellie Mccoey says:

        I used to hate how emphatic I am. I have learned that I don’t have to act on my emotional thinking. This has helped me a great deal thanks to you Mr Tudor.

  6. J.G says:

    Hello H.G TUDOR…
    Excellent explanation…
    I can only add one saying:
    “Old roads do not lead to new destinations”….
    Walk the same steps and stumble over the same stones, again and again… My shoes break and frankly it’s silly.

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