Wrong Forever On The Throne


It is late. The time is somewhere between the witching hour and when the devil stalks the land yet the pull of slumber has yet to be felt. The darkness envelopes me with only the silver burnish of moonlight to pick out the objects around me and ensure they retain some familiarity. It is cold but I do not object, content to sit with the window open and allow the night air to infiltrate my domain. The cold touch of the darkness soothes me and a calm has settled upon my person. I am sat, alone, yet I have  no concerns, for the day has proved fruitful, as always,  in my quest for fuel. Although not sated I am neither in desperate need nor bloated from my repeated extractions. There is room for more, there is always room for more but I do not feel that driving need to acquire more. Instead the stillness and the calm engulf me as I sit here and look out from my elevated situation, through the wide open window and across the garden and the fields beyond.

My still alert eyes detect no movement of beast nor breeze. The trees still as if in silent salute. The birds that so often fly past are nested for the night and in the distance the intermittent hoot of an owl is a reminder that although I am sat alone there is still something out there. It is at times like this, when the freneticism has subsided, the hurly burly of the day’s cut and thrust has given way to this rare and unusual state that I remember. My gaze remains steady as I look out across those undulating fields, fields so similar to the ones that we used to run through didn’t we? Where are you? Where are you now? Why are you not sat beside me, king and queen like we used to when we planned our lives all that times ago? You must forgive me. I have not thought of you as often or as deeply as I ought to have done but I have been about other things. I know you understand. I know you recognise that the demands made upon me would be beyond others and that I must attend to those demands. I know that you realise that to dwell too often would leave me weakened and that must not happen but moments such as these, when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, wherever you may be. Although I do not often permit it, you remain etched into my memory and I know with the certainty that the world will not stop spinning, that you will always reside in my memory. Yet, I must confess, that is not enough. Should a moment or an instance bring to the surface an element of our past I am bound to push it away, cast it deep into the recesses of my mind and place it behind bolted door and fearsome gate. There is not hope for me to do anything else for to indulge in recollection at such times would distract me too greatly from my endeavours. I know I ought not to do it but I must do so. For such moments I seek your forgiveness from your benevolent self in the full knowledge that I deserve none. It is now when I sit on this chair and besides yours, ‘our thrones’ as we once called them, that I am able to allow your memory to consume me. I reach out with my hand and hope that somehow I feel your cool hand slide into mine just one more time yet there is nothing. Just that absence that has remained constant no matter how hard I labour to fill it. We would sit side by side wouldn’t we and look out across those fields through which we ran to our secret places, those sanctuaries and idylls dotted throughout our kingdom. We issued our declarations as one, formulated our ordinances of governance for the betterment of our subjects and did so with great gladness. How I miss doing so together. Where are you? Why will you only show yourself as memory ? Why will you not come back to me ? You could do so, even if as a shade to haunt me as I sit amidst this encompassing darkness. Do you remain distant from me to punish me? Perhaps you do and I know that such punishment is only right for one such as I. I know myself for what I am and I seek to purge that which grips me each and every day through the frenzied application to my endeavours in the hope that they will allow me to be granted absolution and you will return. I swear, I swear by all that I am, I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again, hear your voice and look upon you as you take my hand as you always did. We joined as one and we were better for it were we not? Come back to me? Return. Sit beside me once again and let us find that which we once had and should always have.

I sit in the darkness as I say these thoughts aloud, my low and steady voice seeming distant and disembodied. I pause and wait expecting you to answer but there is no response. Please, come back to me because for all that I have done and for all that I am about to do, without you I will sit forever wrong upon the throne.

119 thoughts on “Wrong Forever On The Throne

  1. Peaceful says:

    That is so beautiful HG. The imagery it conjures is haunting. This would be a great piece as an Animated Short. I’m gathering this is the longing for the fuel of IPPS past. For the target to get crowned IPPS, the fuel must be magnificent. Settling down after a day of satiating fuel extraction, you ponder on the fuel of IPPS past. You’ve told us that after the initial Golden Period, the fuel is never as potent, correct? But you remember and think of that potency, just as we remember and think about the Golden Period? If only we can return to that glistening time as well.

    If you were able to have the former IPPS sit with you for just a while, how long before you toss her down and degrade her once again?

    – Peaceful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When the fuel becomes stale, when the fuel is provided often or in sufficient quantities.

  2. Leslie says:

    Dear All,

    I truly value your support and caring. I am working to become free. Please have faith in my personal determination.


    I need to remain completely anonymous. I have a way to work with a group of individuals who want to bring change here. We need to have expert advice on the ways to interrupt the narc cycle and disarm the backlash.

    It should be an interesting challenge to your skills. 😀

    I believe you can see the email I use here.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I can, I invite you to contact me at narcissist1909@gmail.com

  3. Bekah B says:

    I thought the narcissist does not think about the disengaged IPPS..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not when you are first disengaged (unless you enter the sphere of influence) but it will happen more when the current IPPS enters devaluation.

  4. Jane hall says:

    Beautiful, heartfelt words. Owls hooting – the predators of the night.
    while the predator gazes out of the window reminiscing about his previous conquests.
    It is sad. Very sad. I expected the twist – for HG to give us a surprise – but there was none. It was heartfelt and spoke of deep loss and sorrow.

    I thought HG would turn it around and say “And that’s what I will tell that little bitch when I see her next….she will love those words….hahahahaha……” with evil laugh.

    so this is ACTUALLY sincere?!!!
    And if so…..is the therapy working HG?
    Or do narcissists have a soul after all?

  5. DebbieWolf says:


    Is this from a time when you was very young running through Fields with secret places and idylls… Calling chairs thrones this kind of thing, it’s sounds like a childhood sweetheart?
    Or perhaps it was like someone that took care of you when you was young…. But who went away.

    Like when a relation plays a game holds hands and runs through fields… And says I am king you are queen and it’s a game…
    But this person you loved and they loved you…
    I can imagine playing such a game with my grandfather… Go and hide in the castle and I’ll find you this kind of thing… Im the king and you can be queen….

    Or have I got it completely wrong?

    It’s just that it doesn’t have to be a romantic love even though it kind of reads that way… But I also translate it as just love generally.

    It could be a beloved caregiver of a young boy at a time of dreams and stories… Like when saying one day we’ll have stables… One day we live in a castle I will be king you can be the Queen things like that or I will be queen you will be the king…if you get me.

    ? Thanks in advance.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will have to wait and see.

      1. DebbieWolf says:


        Darn it lol…. It’s bad enough waiting for the last series of game of thrones…

        Seriously though, this article triggered me on a few levels.. but then later it occured that this was also like a youngster lamenting somebody they had fun with and who they loved but the person went away somehow.

        Thanks for the reply. Appreciated.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      2. DebbieWolf says:


        Also thinking more about it I think this is also me, wrong up on the throne… Because I am queen of all I survey as it would turn out since various things have been left to me and I’ve had a lot of bereavement so in other words everybody’s kind of gone and I have been left the things..

        So I sit with longing and sometimes feel the same way knowing that these people can never return because they have died and these are basically my parents and grandparents who I love with all my heart.

        maybe that’s why I can understand that feeling of longing and why it triggered a few levels not only the things that haven’t been right in my love life and I’ve had to leave, but also just the generalization of not having those loving caregivers myself anymore and being left material things …that I am, what could be described as queen of, and so I am left sitting on the throne alone feeling all wrong myself… As in this is all wrong.

        As you can see it triggered many things.
        That’s why it made me feel protective and the need to solve and soothe because that is what I would have needed..

        I guess we judge from our own experience of course… But it gives a little more insight on different levels I guess..

        Thanks for reading.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Do you mean that you feel Queen of all those things but that they mean nothing unless they can be shared with those who matter? That it is the origin of the thing (the person) only that holds significance?

          1. DebbieWolf says:

            Hi NarcAngel

            Aye… What I mean is that I am left with that feeling of longing and I am queen of all I survey in as much as I have been left things excetera and I can sit in place with all these things and they mean little really (although they are obviously good things I am grateful of) but without the people that matter it leaves me with a feeling of longing knowing they can never come back.. and so I feel wrong on the throne,

            Life must go on of course and it does.. but there are gaps in between when perhaps not being as busy sometimes I may end up pondering and so can relate/understand that feeling of longing and missing people so deeply that it is to a point of despair sometimes.

            So although the piece is written from a different perspective altogether by HG, it is from my situation that I mean I can understand that feeling of melancholy, that feeling of emptiness, of longing for something which isn’t there anymore, as can we all of course…. But it all feels wrong that I am left alone in ‘the Kingdom’ if you understand me.

            Of course I never instigated my situation in anyway …. But I have left bad situations romantically…but re my parents who died and those I loved who died that’s kind of a different thing but the net result is still the same – that I am left in my place, queen of all I survey and that which is left behind, often with a sense of overwhelming longing.

            Though master of all around me as such with as many choices as I choose (as many of us have in life without even realising we have the free choices often times, but that’s another story), but being in a position as I am, frankly of complete freedom, the head of my own household in every way, metaphorically a queen on a throne.. Yet crcumstances feeling wrong around me…

            So kind of a different slant on the article but understanding the yearning feelings … which cannot be resolved, leading to everything feeling wrong, permanently.

            I hope this makes sense…

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I have not yet lost anyone that I long for so that was interesting to me. Thank you for explaining further.

          3. DebbieWolf says:


            You are most welcome.

          4. windstorm says:

            I believe I understand your feeling queen of all you survey but feeling empty and lonely. That’s how I think I would feel if I had kept our house and farm or my mother’s house and property. I feared that and that’s why I walked away from it all (though maintaining ownership) and made a new home in a different county.

            I have subsequently sold everywhere that contained old memories. My cabin and lot are small, but they are entirely mine – no memories of “others” up here to haunt or taunt me. There have been times that I have missed what I let go, but I have only to come home to my oasis of peace and tranquility to know that I made the right choice.

          5. DebbieWolf says:


            I see exactly where you’re coming from and I think it was a good decision.

            However where I am, my mother was only here for 18 months. Other members of my family were not some had already passed others where elsewhere.

            It isn’t a family home.

            We moved around a great deal because my father was very ill for years and they did not know what was wrong….at least they did not find it and it was at least about 15 years from my childhood of this… we needed to find the correct doctors.. so we moved to follow the medical expertise and then moved on to the next.

            I will carry everything with me in memory so it does not matter where I go.
            It isn’t the material things themselves that haunt me as such.
            It is the loss of the loved ones and the remaining behind…..i e.
            I just remain with everything wherever I may be or end up, without them.
            And that’s life of course.

            I am a strong individual because of this.
            and it is my strength that enables me to reveal vulnerabilities at times.

            I’m strong enough to show them and not be phased by admitting them, and can survive them if they are tested.

            Now I’ve added an extra layer of Intel, courtesy of our host…. So that I know where it is wise to keep them to myself.

          6. windstorm says:

            I think I understand. We seem to have opposite perspectives. I left everything behind to forget the toxic and hurtful people in my life, still living or dead. The only people close to me that I miss were my grandmother and my FIL and where I am is not connected to them in any way. I would mourn their loss wherever I was. My “queendom” and ruling over my home is a constant solace and comfort to me.

          7. DebbieWolf says:


            Yes different perspectives but yet I think if I had a family home or a place that figured more… Like I’ve been there a long time etc I think that would perhaps bother me? and I would be then hypothetically be better off leaving it behind… In a similar way to how you have done… but then on the other hand it might be worse to leave it all behind knowing me!

            There’s definitely a bunch of perspectives on it. Pros and cons.

            In a way I do wish I did have a place that had more history to it… But in reality I wonder if then I would feel like you and have to leave it all.

            It is definitely food for thought on my part.

      3. DebbieWolf says:

        Hg, also the song by David Bowie ‘we can be heroes’ comes to mind.
        That’s kind of haunting and sad too.. just in my opinion… It is kind of apt lyrics.

        Hm… Think I’d better go and cheer up a bit!

  6. Tappi Tikarrass says:

    Reading pieces such as these trips my hope trigger.

    After several reads and several different responses to those reads, I’ve decided that perhaps this piece is a lesson in how irresistible a Hoover could sound, given all the right, or rather wrong, conditions in the recipient of the Hoover.

    1. DebbieWolf says:


      Me too… It triggered my hope and it also triggered my protection mode… My want to soothe and make good…

      Urrr.. beautiful piece… Stabbed straight into my heart.

      1. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        I also got quite annoyed with this piece Debbie, feeling like I was being taken for a ride

        1. DebbieWolf says:

          Tappi T x

          Exactly! That’s exactly it. and trying to work out which bits were what and which bits I ended up missing time and time again in my past…I thought that I was engaging honestly and genuinely with someone while all along the other person was just scheming quite a lot of the time if not from the very off…
          All this began to piece together in a kind of culmative jumble and I ended up with this 7 headed monster.

          I started to feel extremely combative with my need to pin into the box mentally just what the hell is going on with them.

          Because it’s not just what has happened to anyone of us but to see things occurring to others around … I mean I’m extremely protective as it is and I need to know what I’m dealing with not just for me but for other people.

          Talk about bear your teeth and growl relatively ferociously! And take them down!
          (Lol and yet seriously though)

          Because at the end of the day if people are so charming to you in the start knowing that it was all a plot … If that had been the case… well ..!

          My hackles were twice the size here!

          Thank you to everyone who helped me understand this more. Xxx


        2. DebbieWolf says:


          I replied to you on this thread regarding you saying about being angry… but really my reply is for the 10 rejections of intimacy I was thinking you was referring to that…

          I’m really sorry for any .. do everything on a mobile phone… This is why I am subscribed to comments for a short while usually because they can start to get mixed up working with it on the mobile phone… So for anyone reading my comment about being angry with the piece… I apologise… I don’t mean this piece…. Because I found this absolutely beautiful…

          I was referring to the 10 rejections of intimacy so I will adapt my comment and put it on the correct thread thank you everyone for your patience…Deb..

      2. Tappi Tikarrass says:

        All good Ms Wolf!
        May I be so bold as to suggest that perhaps there was a teeny bit of overthinking going on in your lovely brain yesterday? Don’t worry, I’ve been guilty of it myself!! Xo

    2. Me says:

      .. a wolf in sheep’s clothing ..

  7. JustEmpath says:

    But it is extremely rare that victim escapes during the golden period. They escape because they are devalued. Because you treat them badly. And you do this because you no longer love them, you see their flaws, you doesnt feel in love anymore.

    So how could you reminscense about her like thar? You already know she wasnt the one because you devalued her. Thats why she escaped.

  8. Leanne says:

    The creature isn’t grotesque. He’s in pain.

    This is beautiful HG. Thank you for sharing. ♡

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  9. DebbieWolf says:

    Omg, I have just read this piece HG.
    Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
    And its brought tears to my eyes.. the last lines, so haunting.

  10. poitiersdoe says:

    Esto es como jugar un juego de caballeros y descubres que tu adversario hace trampa. Entonces que interés tiene?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We make, change and invent the rules as we must always win – i.e. have control and fuel.

      1. Nika says:

        Saisir le pouvoir

        1. HG Tudor says:


  11. SuperXena says:

    Very interesting ,profound ,intense and revealing post. First time I read this post.
    It is revealing because I see these words as an ephemeral , sporadic reflection/acknowledgment ( to himself) of awareness of how and why he functions the way he does. I do not see these words as romantic.

    An ephemeral moment of awareness when not blinded by his own narcissism , when he sees himself behind the mask, when the mask slips in front of him just allowing that to happen for a few seconds .

    I do not believe these ephemeral recognition can be made by low functioning narcissistic psychopaths but rather by very skilled high functioning with a very high level of awareness.

    I read your post of 2016 as well and going back to some of your answers 2016 and quoting :
    MARCH 18, 2016 AT 09:43
    No regret,no remorse, just occasionally I remember and I long. Last night was one of those occasions. It has passed now. Onwards and upwards, fuel to gather.

    So it is not regret,nor remorse and not love( since you do not have that ability):
    1. Do you regard these occasional moments as moments of weakness?
    2. Are those moments threatening to the maintenance of power your sense of superiority and control? If yes, why?
    3. Do you act upon that occasional feeling of longing by:
    a) hoovering the person you are longing for,
    b) or acquiring fuel from other sources than the one you are longing for,
    c) or both ?

    4. Do those moments come when your levels of fuel are low ?

    5. Quoting : “ …when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, “ :
    a) )Is the burden you are referring to the need of fuel for survival?
    b) If not, what is the burden you are referring to?
    c) What are the circumstances around you when you feel freed of your burden? What is the status of your fuel matrix when this happens?
    6. Is that feeling of longing for someone a feeling you cannot control and that is why you block it instead of acknowledging it?
    7. Is that feeling alien to you or do you recognise it from your past when you were a child and that is why you do not allow yourself to feel it again because it reminds you of deep wounding during your childhood (of not being good enough, of not being able to have control , of feeling abandoned, neglected, powerless as a child?) and you do not know how to tackle it ( you never were taught how to do it) more than by avoiding it?
    8. Is this way of tackling ( avoiding those feelings of longing) an in-learned coping mechanism ?

    P.S. Adding: I assume that your longing is triggered by the 6th sphere of influence https://narcsite.com/2017/08/28/the-spheres-of-influence-2/

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. No.
      2. No.
      3. (c)
      4. Usually.
      5. This will be revealed in due course.
      6. I can largely control it.
      7. It is not alien in the sense that it occasionally manifests now, so I know what it is.
      8. Yes.

      1. MB says:

        Great questions SuperXena! Very kind of HG to answer.

        1. SuperXena says:

          Thank you MB!
          I do not know if the word kind is the most appropriate one to apply here. I understand what you mean. I believe he does not do “kind”.
          I would rather say :polite,succint,patient,straight-forward,frank , accurate and effective in conveying the message: Yes.

      2. Leanne says:

        Agreed mb. Thank you both.xx

      3. SuperXena says:


        Thank you for your answer.
        1.Noted. Rephrasing my question :I meant if you regarded this feeling more as a “debilitating factor” -extracting fuel from you and/ or distracting you from your main endeavour/task that is the acquisition of fuel -rather than a “moment of weakness” per se. A feeling that could make you more vulnerable .I understand your answer though.
        5.Noted. Interesting.I understood you did not have burdens of any kind. The only burden I can see is that since you hate everybody it may be a burden to need (be dependent of) people you hate to extract fuel.I shall wait and read more about this.
        7.Noted. I was referring to if you recognise this feeling of longing being experienced somewhere along your childhood.

  12. Jess says:

    A first time read for this. Definitely never heard this perspective before. Idealizing a lost fuel source. It seems that losing a source forces the narcissist into self reflection. Another great reason to maintain No Contact.

  13. Mona says:

    I am sorry, but I cannot read that romantic story by a sociopath any further. It is beautifully written, of course. But what shall I do with these romantic words? They do not present reality. The reality is hard and brutal and words are only words and no action. Words are your weapons, they are easily said. I am sorry, but this story full of romantic secrets does not impress me anymore. I have heard too much of those romantic stories. There is nothing behind. Nothing. And even – if your kind – actually lives in that daydream, where is the bread, the money, the support and the understanding? Next minute and your mood completely changes and you show your dark side again. Narcissistic fish soup in my eyes. (although beautifully written)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      An understandable observation Mona. No fish soup from HG though, that is made of less than fresh fish and only the best is provided by your marvellous narrator.

      1. MB says:

        HG, hypothetically, if you were granted a do-over by our gracious Universe…if you could go back to that time of the devaluation trigger, knowing then what you know now, would you do the same again

        1. HG Tudor says:

          In respect of what?

          1. MB says:

            Sorry, HG. In respect of your treatment of the person that is the subject of the article. If you could get a do-over knowing what you know now. Would your actions and resulting outcome be different?

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. MB says:

            As you know, not the answer I had hoped, but thank you kindly for responding, HG.

      2. Mona says:

        By the way, HG, fishsoup reminds me of a family event at his narcissistic home. They invited me for a special dinner, everything handmade and praised so much by him and his father. Mother seemed to be an extraordinary cook. Behind closed walls (the door of the kitchen) I found out, that everything was convenience food. Nothing handmade. You are all fabulous narrators.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A concise and revealing illustration there, Mona.

    2. shesaw says:

      Mona, comparable thoughts fell over me when reading this.
      I read this story as an illustration of the narcissistic quality of creating an image of themselves as being sympathetic + making you believe they have a conscience (admitting they are to be punished).
      ‘Please come back to me’ … ‘I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again’ – it sounds all too familiar…
      She better stays away.

      Very well written indeed!

  14. Lori says:

    Wow. That gave me great comfort that in some way I had mattered until i remembered that it likely applied 50 of us. I wax but one of many many appliances

    1. Kim e says:


      That never even dawned on me as I read it that he might have been talking to MANY at one time!!! My brain is still mush and in the fog.
      Great perspective.

  15. J.G says:

    Really a very well written piece. This writing arouses my curiosity, if deep down the narcissist has ever tended to have one of his victims as a favorite, of course not for love, but for his production of fuel.
    I find it a very nice text, but in my case I only see words that sound good, but their memories and regrets are only for the lost fuel.
    Tears over spilt milk.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct (apart from the spilt milk – spilt fuel is correct).

      1. foolme1time says:

        I’ve read this many times over the years and as always I find it simply beautiful and very moving. However this is the first time that I’ve read it and thought this is all about lost fuel! I don’t know if this should make me happy or sad? Happy because I finally realized what it was about which makes me feel that I’m finally learning to put down my rose colored glasses. Or sad because in articles that you write like this I would swear there was emotion and deep caring for another. Either way your writing is amazing as always HG. Thank you for sharing that talent with us.

  16. michellebaird4129 says:


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  17. Sarah says:

    Your pen casts a powerful spell HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I agree. Thank you.

      1. MB says:

        You’re so good Mr. Ultra Tudor! If I didn’t know better, I would say that is remorse and that the person you write about it more than just an “appliance”. Only a dead woman could resist such beautiful prose.

        I had not read this piece before. What I feel I’m witnessing is a beautifully written follow up hoover. A hoover that cannot be met with success as the target is deceased. Killed at her own hand due to an irreparable broken heart.

      2. Leanne says:

        Hehehe. of course my dear Watson

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Pah, I am Sherlock.

      3. Leanne says:

        Stupid WordPress!
        Sorry… reply in the wrong place 🙁

  18. E. B. says:

    I find it captivating when you allow us to get into your most inner thoughts and feelings.

  19. Twilight says:

    Within the twilight hour is when I feel you, I see you.

    Damn HG, I am not sure if I want to hug you. A dream is the only place I can be with him. What you have written is beautiful and sad. I never thought I would find him, sometimes I believe I will never see him and I have to push my feelings away, bury them only for them to return when I wake.

    Thank you HG your words express much in this. I do hope you find what you search for.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome, Twilight.

    2. Fuel on the Shelf says:


      “A dream is the only place I can be with him.”

      This struck such a chord with me. He is in my dreams, always permeating my dreams….

      1. Kim e says:

        And thoughts…always and all ways.
        You are not alone on the shelf. Maybe all us “shelfs” should get together and raise hell!!!!

        1. MB says:

          I’m a shelf too! The queen of the crumbs. However, I’ve come off the shelf with a vengeance like never before. HG said it would happen and as ever, he is correct. I’m being tested. The good thing is, I know it. Anchor must be in devaluation again and he’s on the move in search of residual benefits. It’s all so transparent now.

          1. Kim e says:

            MB. I am off and on and off and on. I think I hurt the little bugger cuz I told him no to sex but ok to lunch. I am sure he will future fake me on that until I am dead. And change his tactic to get sex. WTH…it is a new year. I might go for it.
            I had him blocked for about 2 weeks but at this point in time have no will power….so…….life goes on. I am sure I will get pissed again and the cycle will continue. One of these days,…………………….I will get out…………….maybe!!!!!! Until then….SHELFS UNITE!!!!!!!

          2. MB says:

            Kim e, mine is far far away so it’s all virtual. Never any IRL sex. The very existence of the thing that is a shelf ipss speaks to the power of the addiction. Intermittent reinforcement is the narcissist’s friend.

  20. Lou says:

    Beautiful post HG. It made me think of the girl you met by the river, the one who always held your hand.
    It also made me think of that hand you want to hold when you die.

    1. J.G says:

      For a narcissist, any hand is good if it can get fuel. They’re not like empathics. And they have no preference, beautiful or ugly, fat or thin, man or woman, tall or short, good or bad, as long as they get what they want their emotional attention (fuel).
      It’s time to wake up…

      1. lisk says:

        So true, JG. So true.

        1. DebbieWolf says:

          J G

          Good point. And well made.
          It’s always worth a reminder even when one knows this deep down.. emotional thinking has a habit of making rose tinted remembering.

    2. J.G says:

      who said he met a girl/boy?
      HG Tudor? H.G Tudor like the other sociopathic narcissists live in a fantasy and as such live them very vividly. They even believe these…
      But as we all know, H.G. Tudor is a great liar…
      Isn’t that right, H.G Tudor?

      1. J.G says:

        They don’t want or don’t know how to differentiate between fiction and reality…
        They create a fiction and let you drown in it while they enjoy watching you agonize. So this story is nothing but pure and hard FICTION.

      2. HG Tudor says:

        Not here he is not.

      3. K says:

        There are no Tudor tarradiddles here.

      4. Lou says:

        JG, I agree with you to a certain extent.
        I was not romanticizing the story with the hand. I was just making the connection among this post and other posts and comments of HG’s that I have read. I know, and HG has openly said it here, this is not about love, it is about fuel. But thanks for bringing it up again.

  21. 2SF says:

    That made me cry and makes me wanna hold you and tell you it’s all gonna be alright. HG I think you loved her.
    It made me think of my own deceased best friend. I miss her so much.
    It made me think of my N-ex’s ex-girlfriend who committed suicide.
    A few weeks ago he listened to an audio tape with very weird music. I asked him what music it was and he said he listened to the tape because ‘her’ voice was on it. I looked at his face, he was smiling and I had no clue what he felt, like I never had a clue what he felt. All of his feelings are washed away with the alcohol or soothed with drugs.

    HG, If these are your true feelings, I feel that is love.
    It’s the anger (the creature) that is inside that needs to come out in order to really love (again). But it has to be addressed the right way.
    I feel for all people who struggle with their feelings, with love, with life.

  22. mommypino says:

    This makes me think of Karen. I don’t know if someone has asked this already but HG if you weren’t a narcissist, do you think that Karen would have been the one that you would have truly loved?

    1. mommypino says:

      This is another beautifully written piece by the way.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Impossible to say.

      1. mommypino says:

        Thank you HG. I really appreciate your responses.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  23. SMH says:

    Poignant and beautifully written, as usual. I think this is what we all wish for but also dread.

    HG, is this the same person as in ‘You said we would always be together’? Or is it from a different part of your life?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will have to wait and see…

      1. SMH says:

        Looking forward to it.

  24. Dena says:

    Do the narcissist (lesser) get “jealous”/wounded when they feel you have moved on with another person?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See ‘Jealous of Your Contentment’.

  25. Lisa says:

    I found that piece a..mazing HG. Beautiful in fact.
    Thank you.

  26. Leslie says:

    I stand on the balcony in the predawn light. Light mists still cling to the ground. I pause in my contemplation of the activities of the coming day to humour myself with a reverie of long ago dreams.

    I hear again our eager voices as we planned our future. The laughter, the caress of your hand on my neck as yet unscarred by that same hand. I was your queen you said and you were the king of the realm of my heart.

    I mistakenly thought I alone sat on the throne with you. The many ravens bearing their messages of truth opened my eyes to my error in this regard. I was your first and last you so often said. You calculatedly omitted the word only from the phrase.

    I did not abdicate my throne. It was an illusory position from the outset. I cannot return to something that never actually existed except in the nightmare of horrors you entrapped me in.

    Goren aren yate os ja jii. Goren osey. Put your hand in mine my love. Bless me with your hand.

    The sunrise is at hand. Let there be enlightenment.

    1. Getting There says:


      Is there anything we/I can do to help?

      1. Leslie says:

        I am working on something with a network of people here.

        Please people. I do appreciate your concern. My husband is very well known. If you keep trying to locate the me, it will cause me harm.

        HG, please is it possible to access your expertise in an anonymous professional channel?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Can you expand on what you mean, Leslie.

        2. MB says:

          Leslie, you are on a blog with empaths! You cannot share your story and expect us to be unaffected. It simply will not happen. Might I suggest if you wish to remain anonymous that you come here to read and learn and only share what you are comfortable sharing to remain anonymous. You must remember this is a public forum and support is like breathing to us. If somebody is hurting, we take up arms and go to battle.

          1. Twilight says:


            It was empaths that left me to figuratively die not my narcissist, he only cut me deep enough to hemorrhage they stood and watch believing me to be the narcissist.

            He behaved in the manner I expected, they claiming to be able to “feel” another’s pain believed the lies they told themselves to stay comfortable and not be ostracized.

            They were “empaths” the same as many here.

            We can not just help aynomously we need to be able to do this in our lives.

          2. MB says:

            I’m sorry that happened to you Twilight. Those empaths were obviously not educated like we are because of HG. I look for it everywhere I go now.

            I am just as guilty. My own sister was being abused and I didn’t realize what she was dealing with back then. Oh, how I’d do things differently if I could get a do-over knowing what I know now!

            Anyway, my point to Leslie was that if she is here for education and not support, maybe she should just come here and read. Her comments evoke feelings in the other readers and then she either doesn’t reply or asks to be left alone when someone reaches out. (that’s the sense I get anyway.)

          3. Twilight says:


            No they were not educated, yet had more to do with actually “feeling” another’s emotion, something many do not truly understand.

            I believe Leslie just wants a safe place to speak and be heard and she has every right to do such and not reply or ask to be left alone. If others feelings are triggered they must deal with them and learn to master them and not let them master them. Another should not have to stay quiet to appease others here due to a triggering of emotions.
            If someone told me I had to stay quite because I evoked feelings in other readers and I didn’t reply or just wanted to be left alone, this place would be no better then any other “support and education” I would feel rejected and isolated even more.

            One reason why I adore HG is due to the fact he doesn’t show favoritism, everyone is equal that comes here and has a voice in any manner they are comfortable with. Even his own kind have had a voice here, not that they stay long or stay away for long.

          4. HG Tudor says:


          5. Twilight says:

            Thank you HG.

          6. MB says:

            I agree Twilight. She is welcome to come here as much as anyone else and be heard. I will keep my comments to myself where Leslie is concerned.

          7. Twilight says:


            Please do not feel like you must hold back, you have just as much right as anyone else here to speak your mind.
            I do not believe you intentions were to hurt anyone, you were thinking of others and only seeing one perspective and not hers. This is ok, we are here to learn, to hear, to understand each other, to learn to support in manners each of us needs and accepts.

            Your a good person MB, don’t let that feeling grab hold.

          8. MB says:

            Thank you Twilight.

          9. NarcAngel says:

            To be fair, Leslie has been afforded more consideration since she has shed some light on her situation (not that she is required to). Prior to that her comments appeared to be just repetitive angry attacks on HG personally and the message was getting lost. That is why some context is appreciated if someone cares to provide. It was not until she expanded on one of her points that she caught my interest and now I see her posts in a somewhat different light. It depends if people just want to vent or actually get a message across.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            Valid observations.

          11. Twilight says:

            Narc Angel

            That is true, her message was getting lost because IMO people were feeling what they thought she felt and not what she actually felt. We all walk our own path in opening up.

      2. Getting There says:

        I understand, Leslie. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    2. Cindy says:

      You write beautifully Leslie. I look forward to reading your thoughts when you are finally free. We are strangers, but I care. Just one of the many wonderful traits of our kind.

      HG, what are you thinking when you hear stories such as Leslie’s? Obviously not anything resembling empathy, but what? Do you think she’s weak? That she’s made her bed and now must lie in it? Do you just casually shake your head and move on to the next comment?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I recognise her situation and commend her for reading my work. The next step for her is to address the problem.

      2. Leslie says:


    3. lisk says:

      To humor yourself or to torture yourself?

      My “many ravens’ flew around early on I only noticed them much, much later. But they were there ALL the time.

  27. Christopher Jackson says:

    Very interesting hg, it was mysterious but yet as always good to read very descriptive. Keep them coming

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