Here Comes The Rain Again

I love the rain. I have a lodge in the countryside and like to sit on its veranda and gaze across the lake as the rain lashes down. I hear it drumming on the roof, a steady, reliable rhythm. I can see the large droplets cascading down into the lake, striking the foliage that grows on the edge of the water, the splashes and rivulets visible from my vantage point. After a time I am always compelled to leave my seat and walk the short distance from my lodge to the lakeside. I have brought most of my girlfriends here. It is tranquil and beautiful. The lake is about a two miles long and half a mile wide and is rather deep. Excellent for fishing. One can walk all the way around the lake and I have done so with my girlfriends as we strolled through the woodland, isolated from the rest of the world.

I like to stand on the edge of the water and stretch my arms out wide and tilt my head upwards and feel the heavy drops of rain pelt against my face causing me to blink as they land on my eyes. The cold water trickles down my cheeks and over my chin as the steady patter continues, eventually soaking into my clothing. I often lose track of how long I stand there, feeling the water striking me and then running off me. I never feel cold and I don’t notice the wet, not really. I feel clean though, the cleanest I’ve been as the edifying pluvial downpour continues. Each drop that hits me seems to take with it the dirt and disease, casting it down onto the ground beneath me. The impurities are washed away, the droplets scouring the contamination from my skin. The water strikes me and the spray that rises dashes the filth away, the mire rinsed from me. It feels to me as if God has sent his purity to scrub away the muck, grime and pollution that clings me to me for far too long. I am soon soaked as the water dilutes the sin and flushes away the stains.

There is innocence in the rain. For however so long it is that I embrace the downpour, I am divested of my cynicism and just for a while everything I have ever done, everything I have ever said no longer matters. I have been stripped of it all. I would stand like this with Karen. She would adopt the same pose. I would hear her gentle laugh as she opened her mouth to let the rain get inside of her and she held my hand, both of us arms outstretched as if we were being crucified. Even now as I close my eyes against the deluge I hear that soft laugh but I know she is not besides me anymore. She knew what the rain did and does for me. She understood.

27 thoughts on “Here Comes The Rain Again

  1. KT says:

    Time to Hoover Karen…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No point.

  2. mommypino says:

    This story is one of my favorites. Beautifully written.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you MP.

  3. Leanne 🌼 says:


  4. Mary says:

    This is so beautifully written, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  5. Sophia says:

    Your words are beautifully written, Mr Tudor. I, too, love the rain. For me it washes away pain and sorrow and I find solace in the driving rhythm beneath the sky’s downpour. May the rains find us often.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  6. Christopher Jackson says:

    Sounds like you enjoyed her company.

    1. WW says:

      HG you surely realize that your Tudorites (some) have the experience and capacity to remain emotionally detached from your choices, actions and behaviours. People who you can be playful with, creative and centred with. My narc works with me, now that I know him and understand him (thanks to you), I escaped the formal relationship almost two months ago but I can’t hate him. I tried. I know too much. Ironically this feels like unconditional love, as though he were my son. I have gone no contact but for two live interactions in the office that did not see me waver on my decision to get out and stay out.
      HG do you have a need for someone like this in your life? A NISS that used to be IPPS. Say if you were to point Karen to this blog, after her initial horror 😉 she would accept to be a companion on occasion to stand in the rain with you – would this not be a sign that another person can know you completely and not fear you but instead love you unconditionally? I would get something out of this. I love to give positive fuel and his lashing out to gain negative fuel (now that I understand fury) I know will subside. He isn’t violent. Why bother? He’s brilliant. I know his strengths and I have first hand knowledge of his weaknesses. Like in the film The Wife, I know so much, it would be a waste to disappear completely…

    2. K says:

      Christopher Jackson
      The article is wistful/pensive and I wish he could have genuinely enjoyed Karen’s company.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        I believe he did enjoy Karen’s company. Until he realized how much he did. Then he didn’t.

        1. Saskia says:

          “I believe he did enjoy Karen’s company. Until he realized how much he did.” Interesting twist there NA. Would you care to elaborate on why you see it that way? I am asking out of interest in the topic. My logical side was thinking of the delicious – according to HG -potency and quantity of her fuel provision only – however, there seems to be a subtle difference in tone and style of writing when it comes to Karen as has been noted by other readers also. I always wonder whether it is my emotional thinking that comes to the fore when noting a certain ‘tenderness’ in the way Karen is depicted.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I have the ability to convey a picture in many different ways, as you know Saskia, from my writing, but never lose sight of what is beneath all of it – the same ruthless machine. I adapt the method of delivery to enable understanding, after all, if my readers do not understand then I must alter the form of communication so they gain understanding. I adopt different styles to maintain interest, to entertain, to provoke debate and thought and to assist the delivery of information.

          2. Saskia says:

            Thank you for elaborating HG. It is indeed your multifaceted approach in conveying your message that I appreciate and value about your work, both here on the blog and in your books. It helps to substantially train and adopt the approach of cool logic while observing a scenario – and one’s thought processes and emotional reactions – from very different perspectives.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you Saskia.

          4. K says:

            Be careful. I would like to think he genuinely cared for Karen, too, but I force myself to keep the logic in the fore when I read articles like these.

            HG Tudor
            DECEMBER 5, 2018 AT 18:17
            Emotional Thinking hijacking the Love Devotee Trait.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            On the money.

          6. K says:

            I know (that is my cockiness coming to the fore).

          7. HG Tudor says:

            I see what you did there.

          8. K says:

            Ha ha ha…I better be careful, my hubris will get me in trouble.

          9. Saskia says:

            K, your comment made me laugh – there is a a love devotee trait to be found in my frosty heart! No, in all earnesty – I understand what you mean. ‘Tenderness’ was not the most appropriate term anyway – some meaning is lost in translating my thoughts into a non-native language. I should have been more specific in pointing out that it is Karen’s case specifically that reminds me of the ruthlessness and callousness of HG’s manipulations. It is not without specific reason that I quoted one specific passage about her refraining from eating under ‘Caretaker’.

          10. K says:

            Ha ha ha…I have the same pesky Love Devotee trait and it causes nothing but trouble sometimes. I read your comment on the Caretaker and I agree; HG’s ruthlessness and insouciance is absolutely breathtaking and dangerous. I think his “tenderness” was for the copious amounts of fuel she supplied.

          11. Saskia says:

            Hahaha K, damn was I close to the border to dangerland. Good that you guardians brought me right back on track. Thought I had dumped that luggage a while ago. Agreed – I think it was the extraordinary quality of her fuel.

          12. K says:

            Ha ha ha…don’t worry, the guardians will make sure you stay on track.

            This is a very helpful comment and it is located on Excuses Equals Endangered:

            Survival Nika
            JANUARY 22, 2019 AT 03:44
            I wish I could learn to turn off my feelings, at times, and use only logic.

            HG Tudor
            JANUARY 22, 2019 AT 16:32
            You cannot turn them off but what you can do is train yourself to go to logic first before your emotional thinking has a chance to commandeer your entire thought process and behaviours. It is achievable, admittedly harder for some than others, but it is achievable.

      2. K says:

        Yup, that sums it up quite nicely.

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