The Devastation of the Illusion
You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.
For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.
You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.
That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.
You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.
14 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion”
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Funny MB … yesterday he called me to give me a little devaluation nudge. Telling me 3 things I did wrong when I was at his place ( misplacing something etc) I paused , stayed silent , breath slowly until he replied … I am just asking that you pay attention. I paused. Stayed silent. Said « I heard you dear, let’s move on « and I went into another topic.
It was again … looking at the play … hearing the performance … we had a wonderful evening so I knew he would bring up something.
So I distanced myself again and listened to his tirade thinking « this is a narcissistic answer to a good evening …lol » he has to maintain superiority , interesting isn’t it ? He has to devalue me to feel superior … interesting isn’t ?
Being in interaction with my Narc after a period of NC and after all the education here is quite an experience. Because now I see really the illusion, he is giving me a mini golden and does things he never did before and it is more obvious than the first one. Like mirroring, so much , it’s grotesque, but I see the illusion. I do like that illusion and that is the part that I own now or have decided to own. In fact, I don’t let myself slip into the illusion, I look at it , like a performance and I reply sometimes like a performance, sometimes very genuinely.
I still love my intellectual interaction with the illusion, I still love my physical interaction with the illusion, I still love the ongoing texts, calls, endless conversations even if I know they are an illusion – in a way.
Narc have some reality to them too, and I do learn a lot from what he does in life and from what he knows.
I get to live the illusion, eyes wide open, keep my heart at bay as much as I can.
That is my experience of the illusion for now.
OMJ, “I still love my intellectual interaction with the illusion, I still love my physical interaction with the illusion, I still love the ongoing texts, calls, endless conversations even if I know they are an illusion – in a way.
Narc have some reality to them too, and I do learn a lot from what he does in life and from what he knows.
I get to live the illusion, eyes wide open, keep my heart at bay as much as I can.
That is my experience of the illusion for now.”
Ditto, girl, ditto. Although I did get an “uh oh” feeling just yesterday. There was this bossy, controlling, demanding, voice that was used briefly that I’ve not heard before as I was told what I WILL do. I DID NOT like that AT ALL and I told him so. Time for NC. Nobody talks to MB like that. You fucked up, buddy! I’ll pick up my toys and go play elsewhere.
omj, I am not in NC so I sporadically have interactions via messages with the narc. I am amused by his attempts at the illusion. While I enjoy his attention, knowing the truth changes everything. The mask he wore when he love bombed me is gone, it’s lost, vanished, dead. This new “mask” he tries to wear doesn’t even compare and because of this, I too can keep my heart at bay. But I miss and mourn the “original” illusion. I guess there is a part of me that will always be in love with that.
I read in the comments about your girlfriend, and saw your pics on Instagram. Of course, it’s all none of my business, but still, it makes me sad to think that at some point she’ll find out it was all an illusion. She seems to be a classy lady, probably very happy she found this amazing, articulate, succesful and thoughtful man. (I don’t know what you look like, but I assume you’re handsome, too. At least you have nice hands and legs, and an interesting voice) Maybe she thinks she found the one, someone to start a family with.
I just wish you could make the conscious decision not to hurt her. And actually, as naive as this may sound, I wish you could just allow her to love you for who you really are. And love her back.
It’s very, very hard to switch off the emotional thinking. There’s still a lot of work to do. (I even felt sorry for the narc on “You”. )
Maybe because Mister Tudor has new awareness, it will work out for them. And if not, perhaps it will still be a long-standing, lengthy union since sometimes these relationships can last for decades.
This remains the most fascinating aspect for me
Difficult to comprehend that it was all an illusion. It will help us to not feel so devastated when they move on to their next lover if we remember that this will be an illusion, as well.
No. Most emphatically NO.
Time and personal healing work do indeed make the pain stop. It can begin by reframing the situation minus the highly emotive mind-messing words.
We formed an emotional attachment to a narc who fraudulently presented himself as an empath.
In every single positive situation, there are clues that you were dealing with a narc. Go back and mentally highlight these and change the emotional tagging of each event to remove the power.
Their reflection of your value is in fact a genuine thing in that you were specifically chosen by the narc (as per HG) for your value. Know that and find your path to healing.
Leslie:
Yes. There are always, ALWAYS clues. I picked up on them and stepped away after two weeks. Then, I looked-up his birthday. He’s a Cancer, and while I do not completely believe in the validity of Zodiac signs, he fit everything written about Cancer to a T. I (foolishly) let him back in, but the signs of Narcissism were all glaringly there.
I was Love Bombed, texted first thing with “Good Morning beautiful!” and texted throughout the day. All. Day. Long.
Snippets of who he truly was always leaked out, to include offhanded comments about his mother. One in particular was extremely bold. “My mother told me once she wished I was never born!” I was shocked. He never spoke of her again.
There were reminders in text he was an “Alpha male.” He said it in person once, and I responded with “Well, if you have to SAY it then…” He did not like that and (calmly) told me as such. I believe the Devaluation began shortly after that.
I listened to stories about his “crazy ex wife” and how she demanded his then GF’s phone number so she could be in contact with the woman who was spending time with his daughter on the weekends. He told me the ex text the GF to tell her how emotionally abusive he’d been in their marriage. (The Triangulation was so obvious Ray Charles could have seen it.)
Coworkers were idiots, save for one who is strong tertiary fuel. His failure to be accepted into a state police program was due to the “background investigator’s ineptitude.” I told him one of his exes or someone he thought was a friend, probably spoke their mind to the investigator. He didn’t like that.
He pouted when I did not return texts immediately. There was the constant need for adoration. One morning when I finally caught a break from my workload I text him “Hi!” He shot back “Is that the best you can do? Who just says “Hi?”
I watched him once at the gym. He was bent over lifting a weight and while I marveled at his amazing ass and legs, I noticed too, so did his minions. I began to wonder if he was bi-sexual and recalled a story he’d told me involving his mother’s boyfriend and how he claimed the boyfriend had made subtle passes at him and was always going out of his way to be around him or see him naked. Very strange, but perhaps there was a kernel of truth in there somewhere. Fuel is fuel and sex is about power and control. If garnering fuel and power means you bat for the other team on occasion, then why not?
I’m know he lied to me on a daily basis about small things and lied to me about weekends he had his daughter so he could hunt for new fuel. I never felt love for him, but I cared and was a good friend who offered legal council when he shared he was going for full custody of his daughter and the ex wife decided to go for the full amount of child support, (good on her and I already know he will not get full custody of his daughter.)
I remember we were texting one day, and I asked why he was so guarded and couldn’t allow himself be more open with me. His exact response was, “I don’t even know how to “allow myself” to be vulnerable….to be honest. Do you ever?!?!?” That was crazy telling for me.
His absolute cluelessness regarding the definition of “intimacy,” was a big red flag as well, and I actually had to EXPLAIN it to him! (It was akin to explaining quantum physics to a tree)
Whatever I or someone else liked, he subtly denigrated it. He made excuses for being tired or physically exhausted to not hang out. He witheld sex, said he wanted to see me and then never accept when I suggested plans.
But it’s all OKAY because on some level I knew what he was about. I never allowed myself to get too emotionally deep so choosing to go No Contact, was easy.
I believe from the start he saw me as a solid source of supply because I told him everything I’d experienced in my life that had been troublesome I’d been to counseling for, talked to friends/family about, and got thru it all. I have no real problems or issues, save for work stresses so, yes. I was a perfect source of strong fuel as an accomplished and confident professional woman.
I’d done much research on Narcissism and have a solid grasp of NPD and am learning more thanks to HG’s site. I will also admit that because of my understanding of NPD, I have moments where I think of unblocking his number and just sending a smarmy text to wound his pathetic ego, but he is not worth my energies so I refrain.
Oh! And I literally caught myself laughing aloud the other day in my car, at past comments he’d made regarding his sexual skills both prior to being together physically and afterward. Our first encounter? He jumped to the finish line in less than three minutes!! 🤦🏻♀️ (I shall not expound on his lack of proper technique in other areas, either!)
So yes. I’m doing great because I wasn’t emotionally attached for very long at all. I was/am too astute, and will continue on with my life just as it was before being approached by him. The only difference now is that I am a little wiser now, and that is wonderful!
(But sometimes, just sometimes, I DO want to poke the bear for nothing more than the satisfaction of him knowing I know what he is about!) That’s not nice, but neither are Narcs!
I found myself chuckling with relish when I saw that Instagram, WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger are being integrated. How will Narc Friend keep all of his IPSSs separate now? How will he hide his IPPS? To which of his multiple blank Facebook pages will his one phone number be tied? Sigh, how terrible for him. It’s becoming harder and harder to stay anonymous on the Internet, and to keep connections from one part of life from bleeding into another. Tough world for a narc. Some folks in his life might be about to receive a rude awakening, unless he can figure out a way around this unfortunate complication.
Can you explain THIS please? All blocked FB and Instagram, but What’s App….and messenger block via FB. CORRECT? I want all doors locked. Ty
OMG ….
That is exactly how I feel .
My feelings in a nutshell.
The lunging , aching feeling of wanting the fraudulent illusion that he presented himself to be , back .
Having difficulty believing that person wasnt the real him .
Mental , emotional Torture & Torment ….. 💔💔💔😭😪😥
This is one of my very favorites, and one of the first I read from you,I believe…It may just be that this one really struck a chord with me and truly opened my eyes… This is a good one for everyone to read when they catch themselves falling back into the trap. Great reminder… Magic..