The Dirty Divorce

 the-dirty

Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –

  1. It is your fault. It is always your fault;
  2. If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
  3. We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to us through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
  4. If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
  5. If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
  6. There is no concern on our part that we might well be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
  7. We like to get in first;
  8. Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.

If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –

  1. A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
  2. It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
  3. Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
  4. We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
  5. We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
  6. Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
  7. It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.

Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.

Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?

  1. The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
  2. If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
  3. There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
  4. There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
  5. Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
  6. We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
  7. We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
  8. There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
  9. There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
  10. You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
  11. There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
  12. We will place heavy reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
  13. There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
  14. Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
  15. There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
  16. Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
  17. Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
  18. There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
  19. It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
  20. We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
  21. There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
  22. Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
  23. You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
  24. We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
  25. Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
  26. There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
  27. Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
  28. There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
  29. We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.

Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.

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9 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce”

  1. ❤️ HG, that is truly horrible! I’m sorry this has happened to you! I couldn’t imagine anyone reading any of my personal writings, especially my daughter!

  2. It’s all true…except I don’t have to worry about him smearing my name.

    I managed to successfully smear my own name by leaving my journal out. My youngest daughter read it. She told my oldest daughter, who called my sister, who had her phone on speaker.

    Everyone important to me knows my deepest secrets, struggles, and mistakes.

    I felt humiliated the other day. I wrote things in there that I would have never said out loud. Things I didn’t want anyone to know.

    But at least I don’t have to carry the burden anymore.

    1. I❤️HG TUDOR

      I’m so sorry you have had that happen to you. It must feel like another betrayal. Hopefully the intent of them sharing that information was to better understand your situation, confirm some concern they had for you, and to help you, but that does not excuse the violation. If it has been maliciously, you know what you tell them? You tell them yes, that all happened to me and then I suffered humiliation again at your hands, but guess what? I’m still fucking standing and there are many that would not be. So if you want to spread a message, spread the message that even when wronged, I will not be pulled down into your mud. I will keep standing. Then go no contact to the extent that you can.

      You’ll get through this.
      NA

      1. You are absolutely right I am still standing. I listen to the song I’m still standing by Elton John when I workout. I set it on repeat because it’s upbeat and motivates me to keep going.
        I feel that I already won this battle.

    2. I ❤️ HG
      I feel your pain. I’ve always journaled about my deepest pain and worries. Being paranoid I used abbreviated words from a mix of different languages and wrote sloppy. Having my secret thoughts broadcasted that way would have severely damaged my relationship with my daughters. I’d have come down on them like a ton of bricks and made sure they understood how it would feel if I betrayed their trust and broadcast their secrets. Best of luck getting thru it. ❤️

    3. So sorry to hear this. If you want to journal in the future, I suggest using a digital file with secure passwords OR writing your journal pages and get it all out, then go outside and BURN the pages.

    4. Jesus, that was really crappy I ❤️ HG Tudor! Their behaviour was reprehensible and I am sorry they did that to you.

    5. Dear I❤️HG Tudor,
      It breaks my heart, your privacy was invaded by your youngest (how old) even though you now say a burden has been lifted

      My diary was read when I was 15 (I thought, by my mother) I’ve only recently found out …..apparently ……my step dad was the culprit, he somehow felt the need to put my washed underwear in my draw (where is was hidden under lock n key) instead of at the end of my bed as a normal person should. He discovered it, broke it open, read it and told my mum….. what utter bull!
      From that moment, I never ever kept a diary …..ever
      Trust was broken

      My mum has yearly journals, since from forever
      When I came back into her life … she went on a mad shredding craze
      She’s put a spell on the remaining journals and has told me not to read them after she dies or something “bad” will happen
      I couldn’t care less, I’m not interested and my time is more valuable

      I have never snooped, read or invaded the privacy of my family … I’ve never gone thru Mr Bubbles phone or mail …..its private !!!!
      It’s called trust

      Even though the damage is now done, perhaps a word with your daughter on how it made you feel is in order, if not already done
      (she should’ve confided with you first before announcing it to all n sundry)

      It doesn’t matter if you left it lying about …. it’s YOUR “private” journal …RESPECT it …. (how would she feel if you read hers)
      It’s done, its out …. no need to discuss it any further (you now have the upper hand and the authority to say “no” to any further conversation ) …move on
      Please try not to feel humiliated …. it wasn’t intended for prying eyes ….it was for your eyes only …. you are allowed your own personal thoughts n feelings …. your “inner sanctity” has been violated
      I’m truly feeling it with you …..I know EXACTLY how you feel
      Warm hugs to you beautiful one
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Hello Bubbles,

        She just recently turned eighteen. I confronted her and then that night while I slept she unexpectedly packed all her things and moved out. When I woke up her room was empty. She left a note. She also wrote a note to her dad.

        The note she wrote to me said she was sorry. That she could not stay any longer and watch me be manipulated again by her dad. It was too emotionally painful for her to stay any longer. And that she loves me.

        The note she wrote to her dad she called him toxic, alcoholic, and an emotional abuser. And she ended the letter with I know about the big girl you tried to get with at the Super Bowl. I pretty much know everything.

        So of course according to my husband, it is my fault that she thinks that way of him. And he wants to know what I wrote in my journal. How much does she know? I would have never said those things about you. Give me an example of how I am an emotional abuser.

        I am not even going to waste my time trying to explain it too him. We will never see eye to eye.

        The truth hurts, but I can handle it and accept it and move forward. But it seems it hurts my husband more because he can’t accept it. In his mind, things didn’t happen the way I remember.

        He can rewrite history, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the truth.
        He is not fooling anyone, anymore.

        Thank you for your understanding and hugs.

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