Sins of the Empath : Truth Seeker

SINS OF THE EMPATH

Truth seeker. The pursuit of the truth. A noble ideal indeed is it not? It sounds as if you ought to be armed with your sword of justice and your shield of purity as you make your way through the badlands in order to find the truth. In fact, this is what you, as an empathic individual is unwittingly doing when you become engaged with our kind.

You are all truth seekers. The empath, the co-dependent and especially the super empath. You want the truth and you will apply your indefatigable spirit to acquiring it without understanding the toll that this misguided folly will have on you as whole. The need to be told the truth, to find it and to know it is a core empathic trait and as you would expect, it leads you into the trap of being ensnared by our kind and is heavily exploited.

Being a truth seeker is a further sin of the empath. Those who are empathic tell the truth, but that is because of that other empathic sin, honesty. The empath must always establish the truth of a situation, the truth at the heart of an individual and in so doing the allows them to reconcile their own truths.

The empath must know the truth. He or she must not only need to understand why somebody is as they are, but they have to be satisfied that this is the truth of the matter. This desire for the truth makes an empath extremely vulnerable to us since we trade in lies, deal in deceit and all our currency is counterfeit.

Take, for instance, at the outset of the narcissistic dynamic, when we begin our seduction of the empath. He or she wishes to know that this wonderful person is true in their intentions and whilst the empath might be pleased that others talk about how enamoured the narcissist is about them, or how the narcissist seems utterly smitten, the empath must establish the truth form the narcissist him or herself. This of course opens the empath up to the charm, magnetism and allure of the scintillating narcissist as we are only too happy to tell you what you want to hear, to show you what you want to see and to do what you would have us do.

Oblivious to who you are dealing with (until otherwise educated) the empath will, through his or trusting nature and propensity to deal honestly with others, accept what the narcissist says and does. That amounts to the truth. The narcissist is skilled through his mirroring to reflect back at you your own truths and thus as you seek the truth, you are shown it. What you do not realise is that you are looking at your own truth, but since it is your truth and not ours, it is so utterly convincing. The adoration that you exhibit towards us is mirrored and reflect back at you. You wish to seek the truth of that adoration and what do you see? An adoration that is on the same par as your own – how can that then not appear to be the truth. In seeking the truth but looking for it from one who lies so effectively and defrauds with ease, all you find is your own truth, but you fail to recognise it as such and thus you feel you have found the truth and you are convinced that what you see is genuine love, is genuine passion and is genuine adoration.

You might liken it to a person who carries with him or her one half of a precious gem and seeks the other half. This person encounters a mirror, but does not know that it is a mirror and thinks that they see the other half stood before them since it looks so convincing, yet try to touch or grasp or find any depth or substance to this supposed other half and it will not be there. This is what eventually happens when devaluation occurs as you see the reflection and it dawns on you that all you are looking at is what you already had, being made to appear like something more.

Thus in wanting to find the truth and being shown your truth and not ours, you are utterly convinced as to the legitimacy of our love, passion and desire for you. Your truth seeking has made you vulnerable to our deceitful manipulations from the very beginning.

Yet, the matter worsens. Your pursuit of the truth leaves you vulnerable to perhaps one of the most confusing and bewildering aspects of the narcissistic dynamic, the need to establish the truth during devaluation. Once the array of machinations are wheeled out against you, the gas lighting commences, the lies, the insults, the intimidation and so much more is used against you, your quest for the truth has you stuck in the quagmire of our manipulations for a considerable time.

Firstly, you do not accept that this monster which now prevents you from getting a good night’s sleep, erupts at the slightest criticism, becomes demanding over apparently nothing, is the person who you fell in love with or who loves you. This is not the truth that stands before you. The truth must surely have been the person who first seduced you. You know that to be the case because you sought the truth then during the seduction, you saw it and you established it. It is that magical, wonderful, adoring person who seems to have vanished and in its stead you now see some grotesque version of the person you love. That is not the truth that shouts at you and belittles you, that is not the truth that turns each time you want to go out with your friends into a battle and that is not the truth that turns its back on you every night in bed. You want to find the true us, the one you saw and established during seduction and that need, that desire and that pursuit of this truth means you remain in situ, not escaping and allowing our abuses to rain down on you again and again.

Secondly, you experience the downside of our pathological lies during the devaluation. You were lied to, naturally, during the seduction, but that does not matter. You thought it to be the truth and you established it as so and besides, those lies felt good didn’t they? Yet know, the lies wound and hurt, they scar and mark, as we tell you lies about what we have been doing, where we have been and who with. You are no fool, or so you think, for you have followed us, had others report to you and you know the truth of what has been happening. Now you must establish that truth with us. You must seek the truth from our lips without you realising that we will never do such a thing since to do so would be to cede control to you. You have not yet grasped who you are dealing with and thus you remain unaware that we use lies to achieve so much of our aims. Those lies are used to make you dizzy, make you cry, make you exhausted and we keep on going and will not concede to the truth.

How many times have you heard yourself say:-

“Just tell me the truth, that is all I want you to do.”

“Please, stop lying, just tell the truth.”

“If you would only tell the truth.”

“I want the truth.”

“Give me the truth. Please I am begging you.”

Are those phrases and those of a similar kind echoing about your mind now?

Your desire to get to the truth, to hold the truth in front of us and get us to acknowledge it means you become drawn into the circular arguments, the endless arguments, the denial, the switching and the deflections which leave you shattered, mystified and spent. Why can he not see the truth when I do? The Toxic Logic of course, but you are not privy to such information at that time and so you gird your loins, climb back on your steed and ride out once again in the pursuit of the truth. It is no surprise that you then gallop into the swamp and become bogged down by lies, untruths and mendacity.

Thirdly, during devaluation it is often the case that you will turn to others to seek confirmation that the truth you once witnessed is indeed the truth and you can find it once again. You seek the truth from our coterie, our minions and our lieutenants. You go to them and need to ascertain that we are surely a decent person, who is loving and caring are we not? You walk straight into the facade and its false truth. You hear the answers which you want to hear, we are lauded for our generosity, we are praised for our kindness, we are complimented on our good humour, easy charm and reliability. There it is, you have sought the truth once again and you have found it, yet you fail to recognise it as the false truth and the false hope which it engenders. Instead of trying to escape from this devaluation, you remain in place, taking comfort from that the facade has told you and redoubling your efforts to find the truth with us. Thus, you remain and exhaust yourself tilting against the windmill that is us when you think you are slaying the dragon.

Accordingly, your empathic trait of being a truth seeker makes you vulnerable to our seduction and extremely vulnerable to the effects of our mind games, manipulations and habitual lying. Were this where it ends, but your quest for the truth has a further blow to administer to you.

The empathic sin of being a truth seeker heightens your susceptibility to the post escape and post discard hoovers. When we open those shutters and allow the bright, shining light of the golden period to fall upon your face you instantly see that the truth has returned, that false truth which you were shown what feels like such a long time ago. Yet, all is not lost, the truth has returned, it is in your grasp and all you need to do seek it out and embrace it is to return to our fold. By seeking our the truth once again you fall prey to our hoovers and our control over you is increased again.

The desire to seek the truth is noble indeed but seeking it from one who scorns the truth and takes refuge amongst deceit, lies and fraudulent intent can only result in this character trait of yours gaining the epitaph of being a sin of the empath.

31 thoughts on “Sins of the Empath : Truth Seeker

  1. SMH says:

    Mercy, I know you want to get there and you will. I am cracking up (maybe inappropriately) at your line about a bad day without him being better than a good day with him. I do know what you mean. At least you OWN your bad days now!

    My urge to contact has passed, thank goodness, though I did find new LinkedIn visits yesterday. That hasn’t happened for months but it follows the fake FB friend requests, so I wonder if he is ramping up or just trying different ways to get me to respond.

    I have this massive crush anyway on work guy, who came all the way over to different building where my office is because I did not have time to get to him and back. We had a good long chat about all kinds of stuff (also some about work!). He is definitely not a narc but he is married (and British, though he lived in America for decades) and that is a no no now – out out damned dirty streak! We do have to work (and travel) together and it is clear that there is a strong attraction on both sides, so I guess we just have to deal with it without crossing any lines. Maybe it will fade…

    Keeps me occupied, anyway. That is what I mean by date – just find someone – anyone – to take your mind off of BS. It takes a few tries (god knows I have been on tons of dates the past few years) but it’s worth it to distract yourself.

    Have you watched the Ted Bundy Tapes? If not, do. It is only four episodes but there is a lot in there about empathy, especially at the end when psychologists were just beginning to study this stuff. There is nothing in the brain where empathy is supposed to be. Ted was all about Ted just as all narcs are about themselves. Of course he was particularly malignant but so was the serial killer in The Fall, who made me first realize that something was wrong with MRN. They all have things in common, even if they are different degrees of evil.

    Glad you are back on the NC wagon. It is still too painful and might always be but really you do not need BS in your life at all. He can just disappear – poof – and your life will still be yours. Contact with him is just a reminder of the humiliation. The best revenge is to be content without him, or at least to fake it until you make it 🙂

  2. Mary says:

    HG, I definitely have this trait. Does one of your books elaborate more about the sins of the empath that make us vulnerable?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Sitting Target

      1. Mary says:

        Thank you, H.G.

  3. Bekah B says:

    “You want to find the true us, the one you saw and established during seduction and that need, that desire and that pursuit of this truth means you remain in situ, not escaping and allowing our abuses to rain down on you again and again.”

    I have used this very thing to appeal to my narcissist throughout the years, especially while being devalued: “this is not the real you — what you show to others is not real, and you need to get back to the real you before you can heal and treat people the right way..” Smh..

    HG, what are your thoughts on the empath that seeks the truth through convert means? I must confess I used to snoop on my narc and look through his email and Facebook accounts, his online call history, and occasionally his actual cell phone and find all kind of information out.. Would you liken this to a supernova event? I promise I’m an empath (lol) but the overwhelming desire to know the truth of what my narc had been doing while not with me took over me often at one point in time and I just had to know the truth through my own means, and not his lies or withholding of information..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, that is not a Supernova event. Such a response is part of being a Truthseeker. Taking this action whilst in the Formal Relationship as part of evidence gathering to assist your exit and subsequent no contact is an acceptable step. Doing this post exit during no contact is a breach of no contact and should not be done as it is a form of engagement, it maintains emotional thinking at a higher level than is acceptable.

      1. Bekah B says:

        Thanks so much for the insight, HG..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Pleasure.

  4. Laurie says:

    Excellent post Mr. Tudor. The super empath, always seeking the truth, and yet when the Narcissist tells us the truth, in all of its salacious and sometimes cruel detail, we often find it so unpalatable that it makes us feel physically ill……which of course gives that much needed fuel to the Narcissist.

    To ask or not to ask….that is the question.

  5. Jess says:

    The empathic need to know strikes again. I am now following (only) you on IG and it’s entertaining to see into your life. Much luck to you and the Shieldmaiden. The name makes me think of the armored red head woman from the Zero Impact article. Enjoy the battle, Your Grace. Free flowing fuel for both of you no doubt.

  6. SMH says:

    The fact that ‘especially the super empath’ is a truth seeker might explain why there are so many super empaths here. We don’t let go until we know (DLGUYK!)

  7. Kensey says:

    Was afraid to ask (or tell )anyone about the monster for fear they think
    me crazy. I put that coat of scars on and wore it everyday.
    GOSO.

  8. lisk says:

    “You were lied to, naturally, during the seduction, but that does not matter. You thought it to be the truth and you established it as so and besides, those lies felt good didn’t they?”

    I didn’t really think it was the truth. I always suspected something was up. But I wanted to believe his explanations about his suspicious behavior, and I let myself believe. But none of it ever felt particularly good.

  9. mommypino says:

    “The desire to seek the truth is noble indeed but seeking it from one who scorns the truth and takes refuge amongst deceit, lies and fraudulent intent can only result in this character trait of yours gaining the epitaph of being a sin of the empath.”

    Being sucked into this cycle of trying to undress the lies and expose the truth when a narcissist is involved is like being sucked in a whirlpool. It’s just going to eat you up. It’s not worth the time. I used to be one of those who would engage in these stupid battles with the narcs in my life. I was relentless and believed that I was entitled to that truth. I hated the lies that they effortlessly spout and I hated that their whole facade is a lie and that people like them and have no idea how cruel those narcs really were. But I didn’t gain anything from engaging in those battles; they never apologized or admitted to anything. Instead I gained my life back by walking away and not wasting my time on them. I am able to do other more productive stuff with my family. Empaths need to choose battles. George Bernard Shaw got it right, “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pigs like it.”

  10. Sam Silver says:

    This perpetual fog keeps us in chains. We rarely get the truth from the narcs in our lives. You are adored by my kind because your work frees us.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      True.

  11. Kellie Mccoey says:

    I made it 8 months! Then hooverd him. He hung up on me. I know I should be furious. He should be dead to me! But I cried heartbroken tears instead. I cannot wrap my brain around someone treating someone like that. Someone they professed to care about. I understand narcissist are different. I want to be different too. I don’t want to be so open and inviting. I can’t help it. It is my downfall.

    1. Presque Vu says:

      If ever remaining no contact was so important – this highlights it. You gave him control back Kellie. But it’s ok, you can start again and this time YOU KNOW how it will end. Gather that inner strength and be fierce. You’ve done 8 months, you can again and more. Chin up and good luck!

      1. Kellie Mccoey says:

        Thank you. Seems pretty stupid to seek truth from someone I know will never tell it!

    2. Mercy says:

      Kellie, my heart goes out to you because I know that has to hurt. I’ve always had confidence that if I contacted BS I could eventually pull him back in. That has always been the case in the past. This time I know there’s a chance he will flat out refuse me and Itll be too painful. Im the one that went NC, I won’t give him the advantage back even though his last words tear me up inside.

      Learn from it. 8 months is an amazing accomplishment. I hope I can say those same words soon. It’s strength like yours that keep me going and many others.

      1. Kensey says:

        I agree. Kellie, begin again 😘

  12. wounded says:

    Desiring truth and being able to actually handle the truth are two entirely different beasts. Some are handed the truth on a silver platter and shy away. Others seek the truth and can balance that with self introspection.

  13. Mercy says:

    I’m am guilty as charged. I’m a truth seeker through and through. Not only did I experience the endless cycle written but my BS narc decided to play along. I wanted the truth and as long as I behaved he would give it to me…on his terms. I’ll never forget the day that he told me every girls name he had sex with while with me. He did this because he wanted to start with a clean slate. We were working things out. yea right. He gave me the list through text while I was at work. Not only was the list long but he told a story about each one. I wanted the truth so I shut my mouth and let him confess. It was agonizing and I’m sure an epic day of fuel for him. The confessions only got worse after that. He wanted to see how much I could take. If he got a strong reaction about one he would repeat it another day saying he forgot he told me.

    This is what I learned from his confessions. If you think it’s bad, it not, it’s worse than bad. If you think they have told you everything, they haven’t, there’s always more.

    1. SMH says:

      Oh Mercy, That is brutal. Were these one offs or did he have sex with them multiple times? I am glad I never asked – maybe I am not such a truth seeker. I didn’t want to know about any of that – only what his ‘real’ life with IPPS was like. As a condition to having an affair with me I told him he could not sleep with anyone else. I would have blown his cover had I discovered that he had. But I was IPSS, not IPPS and while I doubt he did because he had IPPS too and she was also keeping an eye on him, he might have.

      1. Mercy says:

        SMH, one and dones for the most part but as time went on he revealed that some stuck around for longer periods of time. He would take me to his sporting events on the weekends. I met his friends, his friends wives other women acquaintances. He let me hang out with the women he was sleeping with behind my back and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Knowing I had conversations and laughs with these women while being oblivious to what was really going on. It’s humiliating and I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself for being so dumb. After some time in the relationship I started questioning things that didn’t add up and even though I believed his lies I think a part of me knew. I started to pull away from the social events because I started to feel uncomfortable, like I was being laughed at.

        I think back now and I realize why I believed his lies and it’s what gets me through. It was easy to believe the lies because the truth just didn’t make sense. Because of his status, he was able to get away with so much. Women would do things for him that they wouldn’t do for normal men. It didn’t make sense for him to be with me all day then while I went home to change and get ready for an evening out, he’d hook up with another women, someone easy and convenient. Those are the type of things that made him feel powerful and superior. He got off on me not knowing what he did a hour before I got to his house. People with feelings don’t do those things so why would I know?

        Our relationship evolved into something weird. I started to set boundaries because I didn’t feel right. He continued to try to gain control of my emotions and because I wanted the truth, I wanted to know what he did and why he did the things he did, I learned too much. His way of controlling me was hurting me. His confessions became his number 1 weapon. Sometimes I feel like he did things so horrible just so he could tell me about it. It was insane in the end.

        I have no problems dropping people that hurt me. I can walk away from people that are not positive in my life without even thinking about them. I know BS has a evil heart. Why can’t I accept it and move on? I won’t go back, this I know to be true but I can’t move forward either. I’m stuck and cant get past this road block.

        1. SMH says:

          Mercy,

          What a prick!! That is what IPPS was worried about when I told her – that her friends knew or that he was sleeping with one (or more) of them. He probably is/was! But I wasn’t one of them. I can’t imagine how humiliating that would be to be around these women who are sleeping with your lover behind your back. Yuck. And what bitches for not saying anything. But as you say, women would do things for him that they wouldn’t do for normal men. That is what I did too with MRN. I even told him that I put up with things from him that I would never have put up with from anyone else.

          But from the narc perspective, humiliation doesn’t exist, right? Because they can’t feel it because that narc membrane is a protection. I remember telling MRN how he was humiliating IPPS – even if she did not know, I did know – and me because of the way he treated me. It was like water off a duck’s back. He didn’t even understand what I meant.

          In a way, it made me feel better (this is all before I knew what he was, though I knew there was something wrong with him) because he did not set out to humiliate anyone. He was just after fuel, same as BS – at the time I just thought of him as selfish and conflicted about his marriage, about me etc.

          BS does not have an evil heart – he has NO heart – not good and not evil. I think when we attribute motivations or feelings to them – good/evil, trying to humiliate, etc – we are misreading them. His confessions were to gain more fuel, which he did by humiliating you but not with the ultimate objective of humiliating you, if that makes sense. And look at the crap he got himself into. He got his comeuppance. You don’t need to give it to him.

          I honestly don’t think most narcs know when they are hurting someone, and it is almost impossible to explain to them because they can’t feel those things – no empathy. That is why you are stuck – I don’t truly think that you believe he is evil despite what he would do. He is just oblivious so maybe part of you still thinks you can make him see or that he needs guidance? I still have those thoughts occasionally but my LT knows it wouldn’t be like that at all because so many times I tried to explain how it is to feel like shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe and to try to redirect MRN’s behavior. They just don’t know.

          If it is any consolation, I am beginning to feel more free than stuck – like I have let go of a lot of my anger now. I miss having someone around who is interested in my day or my jokes or whatever but I am pretty self-absorbed anyway, like being in my own head, and think feeling free is the next step after stuck.

          I wish you would date a bit – just lightly. Irishman really helped me get unstuck – even if it didn’t work out it was a step forward. I don’t feel like dating now because I am in the UK and don’t like British men (leftover from my disastrous marriage to one). Can’t exactly put that on a dating profile here. I am also very, very busy for the next few months so I probably won’t bother. Still, tomorrow I am meant to have a meeting with someone I work with who I am pretty sure is a narc, who seems to want to sleep with me and who is also married. I cannot seem to escape them! Already planning what to wear 🙂 but my logic is fully at the ready.

          I too should have trusted my intuition with MRN – I did at first. Dumped him after a month. So I know my intuition works. I just have to use it properly and not be – as you say – dumb. I like your point that we have two ways of thinking, at least now that we have learned, and if we combine our ET with our LT, we are well armed.

          1. Mercy says:

            SMH, haha you always trying to get me to date! I know, I want to get to that point too. I will soon!

            You are right, he didn’t set out to humiliate me. He didn’t set out to do anything to me. Only gain fuel for himself. Doesn’t change the fact that
            he did humiliate me and he did hurt me. I’m not giving him a pass on it just because he never set out to intentionally mess my head up. I am going to take your advice and others that have reached out and I’m going to stop taking it personal. Or at least I’m going to try really really hard.

            I’m glad to hear you are feeling more free than stuck. These are good words to hear. I know how you feel about missing someone to share day to day stuff with. You’re getting there. I can tell through your comments that you’re letting go of the past.

            I saw a comment the other day about you having thoughts of contacting him. I know it was just a passing thought but just think about how far that would set your emotions back if you did. Think of how far you’ve come. You don’t want to get back on that ride. I’m over 30 days NC. My desire to move on is stronger than my desire to talk to him. I’m going to keep my thoughts in this direction. I’ve felt pretty bad these last few days but it’s actually not as bad as I felt on a good day with him. Thanks for your support through this. I haven’t said much about NC because of my failures in the past but wanted to share with you.

      2. Mercy says:

        SMH, I think that logic failed me in the beginning of my relationship with him. If I had trusted my intuition instead of the logic of his lies, I don’t think I would have been ensnared. For those of us who have never lived in a world of the narcissist perspective before, all we have is our emotions as a defense mechanism. In our world if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Not the case in narc land. Logic would say it’s a duck but my emotions tell me it’s a dirty filthy pig. The trick to ET is learning when our emotions are lying to us. 

        An empaths emotions shouldn’t be disregarded completely. I agree that having control over ET is very important but if we couple it with logic, we have a very powerful weapon against those that want to manipulate and take advantage of us. In some ways, having the ability to use ET and logic to make decisions makes us superior to the narc because emotions are not a tool they can use. 

  14. J.G says:

    Hello. H.G.Tudor.
    Seeking the truth, I came to you…. H.G.Tudor.
    Superb post, I can’t say more.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good.

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