The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best
“I love you.”
“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”
“You won’t ever amount to anything.”
“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”
“I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”
“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”
“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”
“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”
“I am trying to help you,you know?”
“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”
“I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”
“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
“You were an accident.”
“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”
“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You aren’t doing what I want.”
“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”
“We never thought you would leave home.”
“You were not meant to move out of my control.”
“We hardly ever see you these days.”
“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”
“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
39 thoughts on “The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best”
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My narcissistic mother often told me that I was an accident but that my, at the time, golden child sister was planned. She told me that she wanted a boy and had already picked out a name that she shared with me often to get her obvious jab in that I was not the right gender that she wished for. She never mentioned that my sister was the wrong gender, just me. I told a family member when I was a little girl that my mother hated me. As an adult, I know without a bit of doubt that I was right even then. She has never loved me or my golden child sister that died a few years ago.
I could not imagine saying such horrible things to my own children no matter how angry I got.
I am not sure if my mum was a full blown Narcissist but on reflection, I believe that she certainly possessed a number of Narcissistic traits.
I remember when I was a teenager she managed to convince me to have my natural blonde waist length hair cut really short and dyed brown.
I looked absolutely hideous…..which seemed to please her………
Hello Mr. Tudor. Can you tell me when your book ‘Little Boy Lost’ is being published.
I very much need to know more about the relationship between the male Narcissist and his mother. Thank you.
I cannot provide a date for publication at present Laurie.
‘I don’t love you, I never have’. OMG…….if that isn’t psychologically murdering a child, I don’t know what is.
Absolutely heartbreaking……..
Hi HG, i’m interested in the parent that is married to the narcissist and what role they play in parenting a child or even the relationship with the adult child ?
Presumably this non narc parent is an empath of some type on the spectrum.
Do any readers have any opinions on the non narc parent that witnessed the narc behaviour towards the child and what role the non narc played in that dynamic ?
Or if any readers now as an adult have cut off the narc parent ? How do you then maintain a relationship with the non narc spouse ? Or do you ?
1. The other parent may be a narcissist, may be a normal or may be (usually) is an empath.
2. Sometimes the relationship with the non-narc parent is maintained (e.g. they are no longer with the narc parent). Where they remain together the ultimate aim of course is no contact which may mean ‘losing’ the non-narc parent also (I have seen this occur) or maintaining minimum contact with the narc parent to allow some relationship with the non-narc parent (or finding means of maintaining contact with the non-narc parent separate/outside of the dynamic with the narc parent).
Thank you for this response HG. I know I need a narc detector consultation but haven’t got around to doing it.
Ready when you are.
Lisa, after a consultation with HG confirming what she was dealing with, my DIL instituted full NC with her narcissist mother. She has continued a relationship with her non-Narc father while remaining no contact with her mother. Keep in mind that this requires the non-narc parent to maintain a level of secrecy as to his interactions with his daughter. Otherwise, he will bear the brunt of the narcissist’s rage and manipulations. Understandably, the risk may be too high for the still ensnared non-Narc parent. This situation would of course be simplified if the parents are no longer together.
Hi MB
Thanks for your response.
Yes i can see how this would happen and is probably quite common , without people realising that a narcissist is involved. My personal feeling about that is that i would not be prepared to be somebodies secret , whether it be family member relationship or friend. If that was the case i would struggle with that relationship as it is not then really genuine and it’s kind of fake and comes with conditions. Little bit like a relationship with a narcissist ….. 🤔
Lisa, I do see your point re not wanting to be someone’s secret. But for her, it was more about wanting to have a relationship with her father without it hurting him. And also, anything he shared with her mother about their interactions would be breaking her no contact. Tricky situation indeed.
Hi Lisa
My non narc parent was my mother. My dad, I guesstimate as an upper lesser. My brother and I hid a lot of our selves and our lives from dad at mums behest and her assistance.
Mum was very protective of my brother and myself and when we were small she would physically and emotionally shield us from him if required. As we grew older, she would emotionally shield him from us whilst we were still at home. The golden child needed no such protection, she was adored by dad.
It didn’t work all the time though. My dad thought it ok to hit me and push me to the ground and kick me because I came home on a Friday night at midnight… I was 19 at the time. My mum quickly pulled him off me when she walked in after hearing a ruckus. I also wrote about the incident which broke any trust I had in dad when I was 6 a few months ago, where he beat me with a rope. Mum wasn’t home at the time.
After reading some of the horrific stories here, I’m even more grateful that mum was who she was. Mum told me many stories of how she railed against dads control of herself, in their first few years of marriage. I’m happy to report that dad wasn’t violent towards mum- the only violent memory I have of them is at a New Year’s Eve party where dad threw the SLR camera that mum had bought him for Christmas at her and told her he wanted a divorce….. this is in front of about 100 people. I hated dad so much for humiliating mum like that in front of friends and family.
I don’t know what kind of empath mum was but I miss her every day. She’s been dead for many years. Pancreatic cancer at 50
I think mums death is the reason why I became vulnerable to my narc ex whom I met after she died. I was previously married to a non narc and previous boyfriends weren’t narcs either. I buried my grief for mum instead of feeling and dealing with it.
I was unconsciously looking for a mum replacement.
Now, I see my dad only when necessary. He’s having a milestone birthday this year and I’ve decided I’m not attending. He has the shits with me ATM as my no contact regime with my sister bites her and she moans and complains to him about it. Fuck. You. Both.
Hi TT,
Thank you for sharing your story and i’m sorry you had to deal with those things and sorry for the loss of your mum x
And thanks for reading Lisa.
I get something out of sharing here, it’s cathartic.
May I ask why you’re interested in the non narc parent and their parenting role?
Re dads birthday. It’s my chance for some revenge. He didn’t attend my mums 50th. It hurt her so much. I can’t look at the photos. He didn’t attend because he was too busy screwing his work colleague.
He had to work was the pathetic excuse. I know he was he having an affair at that time because he told me himself.
Hi TT,
My reason for asking peoples experience of this is that my stepfather is a narcissist and i’ve had to endure him since i was 12 when my mother met him and then married him a couple of years later. Obviously i did not know he was a narcissist and it’s only in the last 3 years i’ve realised what all of this behaviour is.
My mother and i have had a weird relationship due to him and you could say we’ve had a relationship that mostly consisted of her phoning me when he’s not around and a lot of secretive behaviour and in particular her saying one thing to me and one group of people and another to her husband the narcissist and his family .
Actually my mother calling him everything and actually saying she hates him and can’t stand his family for 30 odd years but continuing to kiss his ass all day long every day for 30 odd years.
Too be honest a lot of the abuse from him to me and my mothers constant acceptance of this and her just trying to constantly keep the peace and walk on egg shells around him and her expecting me to do this as well so it didn’t make things awkward for her , was my normal, for all of these years. It’s amazing how you can normalise such abusive behaviour when it starts at a young age and a parent also normalises it and expects you not to cause a fuss as it makes things awkward for them.
Or they may have to take some accountability for this shit if they are actually called out on enabling an abusive person whilst saying they hate the abuser. Go figure that one !!
I’ve realised that a lot of this has led me to having not great romantic relationships and i’m not blaming anyone , as an adult i have to take responsibility for the choices i’ve made .
Having a boyfriend with NPD and seeing the same behaviour as my stepfather and realising i probably have had a few relationships with men who had NPD, not all , but some, i have had some kind of awakening in the last couple of years and i just can’t tolerate these things anymore.
I’m developing boundaries that i should have had at 18 not in my 40’s.
I wonder about my mothers behaviour and i need to speak to HG about it because i have actually had to cut narc step father out of my life , many years overdue i might add, but this has led to me not speaking to my mother.
Basically if i don’t deal with narc stepfather and allow his crap she can’t have anything to do with me because it makes things awkward for her !!! With the man that she hates his guts !!!!
I just wondered how other people may have dealt with these situations .
I actually wish i’d cut it off years ago and if by having better boundaries and not accepting unbelievable abusive crazy making behaviour over the years would have meant no relationship with my mother then what can you say really !!
Makes me question my mother quite frankly .
Oh Lisa. I feel for you. What a predicament.
Narc Angel is the person to offer sound advice on this topic. I was going to mention her in my response yesterday but thought it impertinent of me…… NarcAngel? Are you reading this? Lisa needs your counsel please
Lisa
All I can say is that your mum seems trapped in a trauma bond with your step dad. Look after yourself first before attending to your mother and her needs. Sounds harsh but if you’re no good, you’re of no help to anyone else, as much as you’d like to be.
Hi Lisa
I think you are somewhat familiar with my story. Very young I identified my stepfather as the abuser and my mother as the victim. Over time I have never wavered on him but have struggled with her role. I have seen her as Co-D, but also as a possible narc herself (further confusion as there are many similarities between the two) and everything in between. I have not consulted with HG on this matter to date and perhaps that is because I dread to know, but I should really to put it to rest. It’s something you might consider as well. In the meantime, I am finding it hard lately to gather my thoughts and articulate them. I don’t know where to start or end and I end up rambling. If you have specific questions maybe its best to start with that. If you just want to explain how you feel and don’t have any questions that’s fine too.
Hi NA
I have consulted with HG a few times mostly about my ex partner because that was my whole problem when i found this site .
I then knew very quickly my step father is a narc .
I did speak to HG about another situation that occurred last January when my mother decided to leave Narc husband and move in with me. I was then completely smeared by him and the whole situation was a complete nightmare , my stepfather exceeded even my expectations of his capabilities of behaviour , but it was text book narc behaviour , he blamed me for leaving him which was really quite unbelievable , anyway my mother eventually went back to him.
I don’t even need to consider my stepfather he is literally a walking advert for a narc nothing to even discuss or think about.
BUT what i’m having difficulty with is my mother , and literally exactly what you’ve written NA , is it a Co Dep that can look like a narc (well in my opinion) or is it something else and honestly the more i think about it the more i really do have my suspicions about my mother , there’s so many things when i really think about it , and this goes back to before she ever met narc husband , just her personality.
“ thanks for the token visit”
So true. I love the humorous way that information like these are presented in your articles. It helps us detach ourselves personally and be less emotional when we can look at these things with a sense of humor.
Good, I look at the different ways I can convey the relevant message to you to assist in people’s understanding.
Happy Friday, HG!
I’m curious to know how many of the quotes in this article you have heard from your Mother.
Did you ever give her one of those elaborate birthday parties?
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
And to this post, what do you want me to say… You leave me speechless.
You had a narcissistic mother because of what I read in your books. How did you know her, to carry, to try without her taking fuel from you? Or is it that not even I approach you because I knew what you were?
I guess she knew on the inside that she couldn’t get fuel from her equal. So little attention should have been paid to her.
It is quite possible that she increased even more her narcissistic traits, and that many of her neural connections, in the early formation of the personality did not connect correctly.
Now I think I understand a little more about the why of your species.
If the narcissists do not relate to other narcissists, a narcissistic mother will relate the least necessary with her narcissistic son because he does not get fuel. He will prefer another empathic son to whom he squeezes like a lemon, until he is destroyed and psychologically crushed.
My mother told me that I was an accident or that I was picked up under a bridge… What beautiful things my mother told me in my short childhood… I don’t remember crying about it but those words always stayed in my mind. My mother did many other things but I think I’ll let a thick veil pass.
You know, “Guilt”…
I mustn’t talk about her.
Dear J.G
My mother told me as far back as I can remember “she never wanted us kids”
She’s a very stoic kinda person
Now that I’m her carer … I’m just happen to be her favourite, she’s sucking up big time and making up excuses for all her past bad behaviour
Like … “we moved house and didn’t tell you or leave a forwarding phone no or address” …. “we did it as a joke”
Yeeeeaaaaaah right ….harrrrrrrrr harrrrrrr
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
HG, would love to read more of your upbringing, where would I find it?
The narcissist I was unfortunate enough to meet earlier last year has been well and truly booted and blocked out of my life (Narc free since Oct 18, I will never unblock that scumbag again)
However in only a way that an empathetic person would, I see our chance meeting as a blessing. He exposed me to personality disorders, narcissism, sociopathy etc. It has made me deal with my sociopathic in laws in an educated manner, put healthy boundaries up and given me to tools to not only recognise manipulative behaviour but have the strength to stand my ground and know my worth (I thought they were all just slightly autistic before reading narcissism and sociopathy)
I will never change who I am, but I will never allow toxic people to feed off my good nature. I was made by my upbringing but I am no victim to it. (My mother is a very sick narcissist with bipolar disorder)
Thank you for your books and writing. I feel free!
You will find the information throughout my various books and it will be explained and recounted in significant detail in the forthcoming books ‘MatriNarc’ and ‘Little Boy Lost’.
Thanks, looking forward to it
‘I will never change who I am, but I will never allow toxic people to feed off my good nature. I was made by my upbringing but I am no victim to it.’
LOVED this bit.
Is it wrong I still feel for them…. I still want to understand why they are like this and say the things they say.
It is tragic to read this 🙁
Damn. You really had to endure that hag? No child should ever…..
Its horrific. Its monsterous. How so-called loving parents utterly destroy their children? Or attempt to?
Little vessels or should I say little vassals, searching for ‘love’. Ever to be denied it. Geuine and kind people. People who never deserved this.
She’s a gem
Every time I read this I get a jolt to my heart! My children are truly the greatest blessing I have ever received! I can not imagine a Mother saying these words to her child! I am sorry for the pain you have suffered HG. I do believe you will come out on top! That ember inside of you will burn brightly once again and will illuminate all around you! As much as I want healing and peace for everyone on here, I also want it for you HG
This woman shouldve never had children so awful 🙁 smh…i see bits and pieces of this in my own mother and my mother in law but not to the full extent. The last sentence i find so sad. I cant ever imagine saying that or thinking it about my children. Its heartbreaking to think there are parents out there that feel this way. Even my own mother i dont feel doesnt love me. Shes messed up and has npd but in her own way i feel she loves me. It hurts me to think of the children and adults who feel their parent never loved them.
I have heard the I just wanted to call and see how you were doing I ain’t heard from you in a while you never call and check on your old man