But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?


I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


35 thoughts on “But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?

  1. Emily says:

    Hg, my ex is a mid ranger and when we were dating he kept a box with stuff from our dates like ticket stubs, programs, cards, etc. He discarded me so I am guessing he has someone new. Would he keep that stuff to hoover me with later or throw it all away? I guess it doesn’t really matter but I am curious to hear from you what a mid ranger would probably do.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He will likely keep it shoved away at the back of a closet for the time being as you are ‘deleted’.

  2. Whitney says:

    HG because I love my LMR Somatic Narc I saw him again.

    I found the letters I sent him in the top drawer of his bedside table.
    I mailed these letters on disengagements. Pages and pages ranting about how much I love him.

    Why does he refuse me love, but keeps these letters in the top drawer of his bedside table.

    His mother abandoned him as a child. Maybe it’s too hard for him to love and trust me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. He does not and cannot love you.
      2. The letters are kept as reading them provides fuel, not a huge amount, but fuel nonetheless.
      3. Start no contact again.

      1. Better Call HG says:

        HG, how likely is it for a LMRN to save cards where I expressed my feelings for her? The first card was at the time of disengagement and the second card was a few months later to try to win her back, This was before I consulted with you, learned she was a LMRN, and went no contact. I’m concerned I created potential hoover triggers that could affect no contact if the LMRN kept the cards.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          More likely than not the cards will be kept, however, it you implement a rigid no contact regime the fact that there are those hoover triggers becomes less of a problem as the hoovers will not be executed.

      2. Whitney says:

        Thank you-my saviour. I started painting to prove I loved him. I felt he didn’t believe or trust me, because of his mum. It’s so hard to let go. I thought we’d live our lives and die together in old age.

      3. EmP says:

        I think point 1. is key. It is impossible to move on, establish and maintain NC unless you realise that narcissists don’t love you and never have. They are not capable of loving. Keeping this in mind really helps control emotional thinking – at least for me.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I agree, this is important.

      4. Whitney says:

        He feels worthless deep inside, because his mother abandoned him. If your own mother leaves you, who would ever love you? He admittedly thinks I’m too good for him and devalues or disengages when he feels insecure. He shows glimmers of love and then is fearful from the lack of control. I think narcissists must love in their own way. It is hard for me to believe they don’t.

        1. EmP says:

          I believe that feeling sorry for the narcissist (and I have felt sorry for many of them before) is extremely dangerous.

    2. Strong enough says:

      Whitney: I heard exactly the same words: I would be too good for him, he would be so insecure, I should be more patient. He said that I got him almost out of his snail shell. What he forget to say: when he talked to me like this he had already started to have sex with his ex again. And I am sure there was another woman. He felt unsecure, lonely and I did not react as he wanted me to – so he felt free to do whatever made him feel better. You have to endure things like these if you go back to your narc. I think you are too good for this.

      1. Whitney says:

        Hi Strong enough, you are right he is willing to do anything to make himself feel better from being insecure. That is from the lack of empathy. Thank you for pointing it out, it helped me. I’m really sorry that happened to you, I hope you’re away from him and find someone who loves you like you deserve.

  3. Pauline says:

    Omg, I have just seen your instagram.

    I really love your work here and what you do to increase our self defences and even sometimes I think you are really quite normal decent person. Sometimes it’s difficult to imagine you as an abuser you claim to be.

    But I looked at your instagram and I think what you do there is really sick. So there is a girl who as I assume doesn’t know about your “second/real life” as a narcissistic sociopath, an abuser and who has no idea that you use her photos on this (I assume) kept in secret IG account to show off your new prey. Well, yeah. This is something only a really sick mind would do.

    Cheers 🙂

    1. K says:

      From the POV of the narcissist, it is quite normal, actually, it is necessary.

      1. Pauline says:

        Yes K, I know it is something absolutely normal for a person who suffers NPD.

        But for us, empaths, it is immoral, it doesn’t look like love, it looks like disrespect for this “loved” girlfriend, she is lied to, she is manipulated, she is used as an object, HG uses her like a toy with no free will, she has no idea that the whole internet can see how she spends her time with her so called boyfriend. She doesn’t know she is a topic of discussions that maybe she wouldn’t like.

        If I knew someone posts my photos without my permission, on his site that provides him money, as a kind of tool “look this is the newest victim, magnet super empath, number 453850″… oh it woud be devastating.

        1. K says:

          I completely agree with you. It is devastating and, God willing, she will never find out.

    2. nunya biz says:

      I looked at it after seeing all the hubub. I find it disconcerting, but I personally find all social media disconcerting, so I tend to avoid it and don’t really look at HG’s IG. This blog is pretty much the only place I say anything online and I’m probably going to eliminate the remaining remnants of my facebook soon, though I do have another purpose for it. I’ve considered starting a blog myself, but haven’t because I shy away from that sort of focus so much.

  4. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Good post, it’s good to read and make us remember what we learned again…
    “They never loved us and never saw us as people”.
    I don’t think it’s important to make changes to increase our longevity, to the narcissist.
    What I think is very important, is to make changes and work on oneself, to solve the problems of empathic, super empathic, codependent. For the abuses received before in childhood, during the relationship, and after it. Habitually we are, because we were abused in childhood and these abuses become habitual and we see them normal or come to be seen as normal because it is what we always live since childhood.
    In other words, we have swallowed it since childhood and we find it normal when we become adults. This implies lack of limits, structure, control in our life.
    I have seen from my own experience that this type of relationship Narcissistic / Empathic, are totally toxic, dysfunctional and impossible to maintain over time, no matter how hard you try.
    For this reason the last part of his writing in which you comment on making changes to increase longevity, I will interpret it with double meaning. Because usually you always have or speak with a double sense. And therefore I will focus it, to the increase of the longevity both physical and psychic of the empathic one. And not as an empath would interpret it, when reading it. (I will try to make changes to see if I can, fight and fix the problem, and be more time and better with it …)
    The changes that the empath must make:
    Understand the problem.
    Understand that this problem has no solution.
    Understand that they never loved us and saw us as people (They can’t love they don’t have this kind of sentimental rank).
    Understand that you have to stay away from the narcissist.
    That the narcissist is our drug and that we are hooked on them.
    Understand that for our mental and physical health a zero contact must be made. Before you die of a bad time, a heart attack or suicide, because of the narcissist.
    And above all, to love ourselves before anyone else. (to be a little more Narcissistic instead of being so empathetic, because we completely forget the only person who never failed us.
    We ourselves.

  5. W says:

    HG – is a narcissistic pillar always offended , when you give a corrective (or otherwise) devaluation?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean have you caused offence to a narcissistic pillar when you receive a Corrective Devaluation? If you do mean that, then yes, you have done so.

      1. W says:

        Exactly. Thank you

      2. W says:

        When a narc says something not on the level, my internal alert system registers it. Thru my experiences, I’ve stopped glazing over the alerts and now look to see the “narcspeak” behind the comment. When in devaluation with the LMR, the zingers would fly seemingly unprovoked – negative fuel. But in my MMR DEMB-DLS gig, there are so few and rare a zinger, – I used to miss them. Now on the rare occasion he flies one at me (and I know bc I notice my inner alarm go off), I look to see the “narcspeak”, /&/or if I’ve caused offence to a pillar.
        Do you fly the zingers for any other reason than offence to a pillar? — assuming I’m still in the extended DLS golden period? I wonder if you guys aren’t just so churning in general you’ve got to squeak one out now and then -in a golden albeit long term DLS gig? Very relatively harmless ones – such as a disdainful look at my Xmas tree still being up on his way out, saying to take it down, it’s Feb (my Xmas was re-scheduled for later in feb bc we had a 10 day power outage in dec and my kid can’t retirn home until then – I explain this and he nods understanding. )But the tone of the comment set off my alarm. Was that a zinger or just his own nature leaking through?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You know you are engaging with a narcissist. You should impose no contact so these various forms of manipulation would not be experienced.

      3. W says:

        They don’t bother me. I’m playing. And learning firsthand . Cmon HG don’t tell me the “shoulds”, you of all ppl know you can’t deny your nature. I want to know more, up close – this ones safe enough as far as the DLS situation not affecting the rest of my life. Plus the sex is excellent. We’ve just started delving into fetish stuff. I’m having a ball.
        But I want to know everything. Hence the question, if you’d indulge me?: do u fly zingers for any reason than offence to a pillar? I’m not in devaluation that I can see.
        It’s almost like he can’t help it occasionally- like he’s gotta get the sour that’s in him OUT…doesn’t even seem personal.
        I do dearly appreciate you btw , you know I’ve devoured about every single piece of your work . But I’m not done w him he t and I want to know as much as I can b4 I move on to a replacement ( realistically it might very well be a replacement narc so this one safe maybe we should just count our blessings LOL)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The ‘zingers’ as you call them will be a response to wounding or challenge fuel.

      4. W says:

        OHOHOHHOOOO HAHA here’s s question !!! Is BDSM devaluation??!!! It is isn’t it!!!
        Holy balls! It’s begun , is that right?

        Ok ok ok so if I’m correct— does an elite MMR KNOW that BDSM is devaluation ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          BDSM can be a part of both idealisation or devaluation or indeed both. The MMR will not know it is devaluation because he does not know what he is nor that what he is doing is devaluation.

      5. W says:

        Thank you for your responses! I was gonna say- since the intro of the BDSM he’s seemed even MORE adoring so it didn’t really fit with devaluation.
        The zingers are so rare and mild I have to assume they must be in response to wounding or challenge fuel as you say- I’ll keep note…I’m assuming I could wound or challenge and not get an immediate zinger response? Like he could simmer unbeknownst to me for ten minutes or so before letting one fly?

    2. W says:

      “BDSM can be a part of both idealisation or devaluation or indeed both”

      – both meaning first as one then the other right ? ((Once idealization is over, it’s not reactivated unless the devaluation, disengagement, and Hoover has replayed out ? ))

  6. Kensey says:

    My ex Narc stood up in front of an endless table of family & friends, announced we ( he & I ) were giving someone at the table
    money to buy a house. It was the first time I heard of it.
    Of course he enjoyed not only the kudo-fuel from the crowd but
    the gotcha-fuel from my shock, questions…met with his silent treatment,
    speaking to everyone but me. By the end of the evening I was apologizing to him.

  7. lisk says:

    “Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?”

    Yes, and I did do that after a previous discard. He came back to the shiny, renewed me, the me that he met and desired during the Golden Period. It was an Golden Period all over again…almost.

    And then I started realizing, subconsciously, that I was doing ALL of this FOR HIM. Keeping myself well-maintained FOR HIM. And something didn’t seem right. And then I just got tired and depressed because I was so disconnected from myself, and I rebelled and, subconsciously, let myself go…. And then the Final Discard that happened a few months ago. (And it is a Final Discard because I won’t be going back.)

    Thank you, HG, for yet another clarifying post. Clarity, oh, how I love thee!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  8. Christopher Jackson says:

    Narc inc enough said …

  9. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    The narcissist did that because he is a narcissist and that is what narcissists do. It’s like the fable of the scorpion and the frog.

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