I am Empty – I Show You What You Want To See

i-amemptyi-show-youwhat-youwant-to-see

There is a vast emptiness inside of me.

Whatever was meant to be there is not there and instead this chasm remains, an expansive void that is dark, deep and perpetual. I remain ahead of this void because it wants to consume me and in so doing consign me to oblivion. This relentless black hole wants to devour me, breaking down all that I have achieved and crushing them into nothingness, a final insult against me as I disappear without trace. A terrible matter to contemplate that as this extinction is aimed at me is the prospect of never having mattered, never having existed and never having made a mark on the world. To be erased in an instant, obliterated and deleted.

I am fearless in all that I do, save that is this void, this nothing which is the architect of one total fear. It is against this constant fate that I drive forward. You see, hurled into this void is The Creature and he is scrabbling to escape it so that with dreadful suicidal intent he can wrap his sinewy arms about me, his yellowed and sharpened teeth plunging into my neck, his venom paralysing me as he gurgles and giggles, hauling me backwards off the precipice and into the void, the pair of us plummeting into oblivion.

That must not happen.

In order to keep him deep, deep down in the void it is necessary to imprison him and keep his vile and seditious whispers silenced. This means filling the void. Imagine he lurks at its very deepest point. He wishes to keep the void as it is. Vast and empty, since by doing so he will be able to then clamber out and grab me, dragging me down back into the void. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can reach out of it unhindered. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can destroy me through its unrelenting absence of anything.

I cannot have emptiness.

This void must be filled and it is filled with fuel. Each piece of fuel places a layer within the void and behind each layer The Creature becomes imprisoned. Oh he will wail and protest but as those layers become thicker and more numerous his wretched cat calls become muffled and then silenced. He cannot break through these layers, he cannot reach out and burst through the constructed layers to sabotage my existence. Each layer differs in depth, strength and duration in accordance with the type of fuel that I am able to gather and place within the void, fashioning my construct.

The smile from a stranger is a thin and ephemeral sliver. The admiration from a newly acquired primary source is a dense and durable slab that protects me and makes the construct strong. Piece by piece, layer by layer, each segment of fuel, positive and negative, reinforces the construct, fills the void and keep The Creature at bay.

One cannot rest for these pieces dissipate and melt away through time. The Creature picks at them, claws at them, raking through them. Your treacherous criticism punches massive great holes in them allowing the mocking howls of The Creature to echo to me. See now why we hate criticism so vehemently?

Fuel fills the void. Fuel creates the construct.

The fastest way to gather fuel is to show you what you want to see for then you will pour forth with your love, your delight, your admiration and your appreciation. Marvellous, edifying and filling is your fuel. If I show you the very thing that you want to see, namely yourself, you will give me this fuel more readily, with such potency, often and in huge amounts. I have not time to build something of substance for you to fall in love with, to admire and desire. I must create it with due expedience and what better way than to use that which already exists, namely you. Thus, I show you yourself through my mirror and you fall for that image believing it to be me, believing it to be my essence and substance.

You do not realise that you are seeking yourself and indeed you do not see yourself when I mirror you back at yourself. You are conned by my fakery into thinking that it is my substance that you see and it dazzles and enchants you. I care not. So long as you are providing me with that fuel, I will hold up that mirror to you and let you fall in love with yourself. It is an artifice, a fabrication and fakery but it is necessary.

I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real. The delicious fuel flows and I want you to pour it into me, filling me up, creating a barrier of salvation between me and the Creature as you are chief architect in the plans to frustrate and defeat his attempt to dethrone me.

This is why when you are installed as primary source and your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.

You are our salvation and if holding a mirror up to achieve this salvation is what must be done, then it will be done.

13 thoughts on “I am Empty – I Show You What You Want To See

  1. Taryn says:

    This is incredibly sad.

  2. Mona says:

    The more I think about it, the easier it is. The risk of losing his facade was so high (facade- very important) that he refrained from degrading me at that point. (Very calculated). I should not even develop an idea to give him a blow that way. I am a little wicked beast sometimes. And I am proud of it.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Aw C’mon Mona. You know you want to ask him if God used so much paint on his belly that he ran out when he got to his legs.

  3. Mona says:

    Thank you both, MB and HG, for your answer. Suddenly I had the answer this morning. It was too “dangerous” for him. He was so proud of his physical appearance, but a lot of it was a fake through well-suited dresses. Nice face, bad body below. And he knew that I could be very mean sometimes. If he had provoked me too much, I would have used my knowledge in public against him. And he wanted to secure his facade of the good-looking man. Legs like a stork, belly like a pot-bellied pig.
    Too dangerous to use it.

  4. kel says:

    It is so Excellent knowing about Narcissism now!! I encounter so many of them. I recognize them so easily, and I know what they’re up to and how to handle them. Life is getting so much easier!

  5. Mona says:

    There is still one thing, that I do not understand. My personal devil attacked me so often, but he never attacked me about one thing, which I do not like about my body. He never made a joke about it or anything else. And he knew that I feel shame about it. Why did he not attack me about this special problem? It would have hurt me so much and he knew it. Why did he not use the chance? Do you have an explanation for that bizarre behaviour, HG? (bizarre from a narcissistic point of view)
    Can you give me an understandable explanation?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He instinctively had no need to do so, if he did, he would have done so.

      1. MB says:

        HG, is it possible that Mona’s “devil” knew that an attack regarding something about her body that he knew bothered her would have been “going too far”? Like somehow he knew that was a “deal breaker”? Or is there no such thing as “too low” of a blow to a narcissist?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is no such thing as too low a blow, MB, but in accordance with my earlier answer, the narcissism will have us do (or not do) what is necessary. Of course, with less evolved narcissists the response may serve a purpose to the narcissist but cause collateral issues.

          1. MB says:

            HG, “there is no such thing as too low a blow”. Ouch! Yep “collateral issues” for the narcissist. Like suffoc- er sleep apnea!

      2. A says:

        I’m surprised about this answer because it doesn’t sound very narcissistic to me. Wait, example: say we have a complex-ridden girl and one of her problems is she thinks she has ugly legs (or knees or whatever), but in reality they are just perfectly fine and actually beautiful. Well the narcissist will attack on her legs because he knows her legs are her biggest insecurity and is a secure shot for him to put her down and have some quick fuel, he knows the flaw is not real and he enjoys seeing her struggling. If the girl instead objectively has ugly hands (or a crooked tooth or whatever) , the narcissist will never attack on these things because if he would do so he would have to tell himself he has chosen a less than perfect human. This really doesn’t match his idea of grandiosity as a king can only hang with a queen. We actually are perfect in the eyes of our narcissists. In a way I think this is what makes them so addictive to us. Well just my own experience, not necessarily universally valid. What do you think HG? Have a good one

        1. A says:

          Ps. He may decide to attack on real flaws only when he is already out of the relationship and with another supply source ready, then yes he may be able to accept you are less than perfect, just because he already moved on

  6. Leslie says:

    Why not just face it and get free of it?

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