I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates. They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too. Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college. The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.
Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought. Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction. I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.
Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me. The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.
Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,
“Always good to make new friends.”
Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.
Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.
To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.
45 thoughts on “Promiscuous Boy”
Yes, the rampant promiscuity. I have been researching NPD from various sources and there is something that I have found which seems to be a common thread with those who are engaged with the Narcissist and it is this: The sex is often very good….BUT…..there is no emotional connection there. None at all.
In fact it is like coupling with a robot. A very strange experience indeed.
The lesson to be learned is that one must NEVER mistake good sex for intimacy….there is a HUGE difference.
I’m not sure I even know what “intimacy” is. Sure don’t know what “good sex” is.
I was actually serious. Lol! I looked intimacy up online and according to that definition I have intimacy with my children and grandchildren. But then I also would have it with Pretzel, my exhusband, since he’s part of the family. Apparently i am intimate with several narcs and I didn’t think intimacy was possible with narcs. Must be that some forms of intimacy are possible. Maybe because we’ve been in each other’s lives for decades.
Hello windstorm. Maybe Andy Warhol got it right when he once said that ‘sex is the biggest nothing in the world’.
This was the piece of the puzzle I just couldn’t place with Narc Friend. He had gorgeous women chasing him while we were spending time together, and yet he preferred to string them along and claim that he wasn’t interested. I couldn’t figure out why a red-blooded man would want to do that — he could have slept with the lot of us! But as a narcissist, it makes total sense. He probably felt more satisfied by the fuel he got from having them chase him than by actual physical intimacy. (I’m sure he was sleeping with some of his sources, just not all of them.) He told me once that he didn’t like sleeping next to people. That was probably the truth; he liked the attention of being physically attractive, but the actual intimacy part kind of icked him out.
Piano Boy is very promiscuous. I also think that is the way he harvests most of his “fuel”. He used to (repeatedly) go on and on about how much he loves his wife yet something is “missing”. Based on what most of y’all have written here, it seems like that is a fancy way of saying he is bored.
He usually seems to have no guilty hang up at all over it.
“You only live once”
“Being with you does not negate my love for her”.
But then he will go on these guilt binges.
“I am disgusting because I cannot be faithful to her”
“The best part of me does not want this”.
Back and forth he will go. Barren friend zone periods (like right now)…
“I want to do the right thing here”
“You mean more to me than just sex”
vs. being a sexual monster…
“Sex is my vice, I cannot help myself”
“I am very weak willed when you look at me like that, it makes me want to ravish you right now”
and so on.
One thing that stuck in my mind was when he said “I express my affection very deeply and sex just happens to be one way that I do that”. Sounds like he did not get enough affection when he was growing up. Yeah, neither did I which is probably why he is such an addiction for me. Except I am not a narc and he is. Yeah, who is the lucky one now? Not him, SMDH.
But, he still has to feel a physical attraction, yes? I hear that working girls are able to work without feeling physical attraction for a man, but the narc man still has to feel physical attraction to be intimate with his target, yes or no?
He is attracted to the fuel. That powers the attraction.
Wow. I think fuel is like a viagra like substance then. I am asking, can you have sexual performance with a woman that you are not physically sexually attracted to? I hear men say they can not do it, physically, if they are not sexually attracted to a woman. That their body will not function.
There was an article a year or so back that addressed this similar topic. That the narc is like a whore and he can give himself to anyone without feeling the actual attraction (just fuel for them). But we feel so much more for them. Yet in theory we are just giving ourselves to nothing at all. I think the ultimate question was “who is the working girl now?” so to say. We give our all to someone who we mean nothing to and we do it for FREE rather than charge by the hour. Am I making sense?
These are not my thoughts, I am just transposing them from what I read elsewhere as your comment made me recall it.
Another thing that is like a needle under my fingernail right now was something Piano Boy (my narc) said to me when I accused him of using me for sex.
“Use you for sex? Haha! Yeah okay. I could pay a hooker to get me off and it would be less stressful than dealing with YOU!”
Hookers do not give fuel. They charge for a service. Yeah who is laughing now? Not me that’s for sure.
If working girls could always be certified 100% free of disease. And if it were socially acceptable in the culture more, I believe we all would have a run for our money. In NYC, where I live, that business is bustling. There is much difficulty for men to court and provide for the level of women that they desire, in this economy, and the women are less compliant because of this, and a bit hostile. So the working girl business has never been better. Some are complaining that there are too many, and are complaining to the police and setting each other up. I do not know what to say about all this. But your boyfriend reminded me of it. Many women are renting boyfriends/lovers in Japan. I have not researched why this phenomenon is happening over there.
My ex-narc had a very similar attitude…”what’s your problem? It’s just a bit of fun. You only live once”….as he tried to hoover me back in (I was a married DLS)……and yet, when he found out his IPPS had been unfaithful to him, he was incandescent. It’s the only thing that’s made me smile for ages!
Thanks to HG, I would never go back. I can see what he is so clearly now, and once you know what to look for it all reveals itself. Let’s just say he really has no business smearing her for being unfaithful, lol. Pot. Kettle. Black. It’s just a fascinating study in anthropology now!
What about your primary source infidelity? If you find out that she is havin sex with someone else, what’s your reaction to it?
See the article
Thank you!. I’ve read it already…no words. If I hadn’t texperienced it in my own skin…I could never belive it. It’s just too much for me, too disgusting.
During my relationship with the narcissist one of his girlfriends left him for another guy. This was the third time she had escaped. We were having coffee and he said” I am to your husband like this guy is to me”. I said “no not really, I would never leave my husband for you”. Insert death stare.
I just read the article, cheating on the narc. Hahahaha! Showing that film before family! LOL!!! I saw a movie when someone showed a procured film like that at a party, to out a woman who was cheating… in front of all. It sure shamed the person.
This reminds me of a comment my narc said to me twice over the years he said…i think i have adhd bc i get bored easily. This i found unsettling bc i didnt trust him. I do think were all just different flavors to them and no one flavor will do bc boredom sets in. Were the means to the end collectively. Again just fuel appliances.
Theres also the thrill of deception and many a narc loves and takes pride in decieving bc it means theyre “smarter” in their minds. Theyre the ones outsmarting and causing the pain. They do to and dont get done to. Total defense mechanism.
Chihuahuamum, I heard the exact same words! “I think I have ADHD because I get bored easily.” Must be in ‘The Playbook’ Ha!
Hi MB….i do think theres a hive mind compnent to npd. They think alike and act in similiar patterns as we read about here. I dont think my narc said this oblivious to why i think it was a deliberate comment aimed to make me feel insecure. He was dropping a hint that he gets “bored” easily and insinuating i wasnt the only woman he was with. Hes very covert abd he knows i get his insinuations yet if id point them out which id done in the past he would turn serious and caring and gaslight like crazy. Its all a game.
I think, and this is just my opinion, I think people with NPD have an issue with the regulation of Dopamine in their brain. I’m not sure. Either they do not produce enough of it, or it doesn’t sustain for long. The ones who are truly sociopathic NEED stimulation. I think therefore they enjoy the stimulating affects of Adderall and cocaine.
MB and Chi, mine would say he thinks he has ADHD too! He started taking Vyvanse a few years ago and it turned him into a crazy person. From what I understand, the drug is helpful for those that actually have ADHD but for those that don’t, the drug has the opposite effect on them. Or at least it has a different effect.
Mercy and Chi, it was very early on when he made the ADHD comment. (NISS status) I honestly think it was a portentous remark.
Hi mercy…it sounds like your narc really believed he had adhd. My narc was saying it in a way poking fun at the disorder insinuating he needs a lot of varying fuel. Hes said similiar comments before too but in different context. I think it was said to create doubt and confusion. He wanted me to feel insecure.
MB , Chi, I’m sorry I should have clarified. In the beginning he said it a couple times and the way it was said was to make me jealous. Basically saying he has a large variety of friends (other women fuel sources) because he has ADHD and looses interest in people quickly. Then he would laugh about it. Years later one if his fuel sources gave him a pill and he liked the affect it had in him. He was in the sports industry and had a doctor he could call anytime. The doc prescribed the pills with just a phone call. You bring up an interesting question though Chi, now that he has to tell people he has ADHD in order to explain the pills, does he believe his lie?
Promiscuous Girl, change that one word and this whole post I could have written! Always about the attention. Narcissist and empath different but the same! I just don’t understand it HG.
Two somatic’s I know are so obsessed with sex – anything sexual. It doesn’t matter if the other person is giving them attention or not or even aware of how the narcissist is looking them over- in fact I’d say they distract the person sometimes so they don’t notice. And that narcissists watch porn so much- they’re not getting attention from that. They both prefer women, but I don’t believe it matters at all to them sometimes whether they play with a man or a woman. There is something so hyper and obsessed – about sex – not fuel- they’re like high school boys busting at the seams.
It was so odd to me, that womanizing is what I googled when I was trying to figure out the greater I know – before I found narcissism that explained him fully.
I like how you state that there was always something attractive you could find in anyone in order to seduce them.
I mean the greater seduces every woman that crosses his path- effortlessly- they’re all instantaneously under his spell. He’s had a lot of practice. But what I don’t understand is why is he so obsessed with sex itself- not just seduction.
I think too that these married somatic’s tease and frustrate women, they may make out with them but not all the way – and will finish the job on themselves. They seduce but there’s just something very hyper sexually with them beyond getting fuel.
Thank you for your observations.
Sex (manipulation) is all about the fuel and somatics use sex as the main method of gathering it and my MMRN was sexually fluid. To understand what they get from porn, read this article. It is really good.
I just got around to this link. Somatic’s are just obsessed with sex and the body. That’s what they’re good at. Like a cerebral being obsessed with learning and knowledge.
My pleasure kel.
It took a long while for this concept to to settle in with me HG, for I have seen his current IPPS. She is the exact physical opposite of me. She is squat, heavy, plain and quiet ordinary. I do not feel badly for her, for she will bask in the same glory I did. I only hope she wakes up much earlier than I. Before he strangles her, and beats her black and blue.
Does he compare them to me?
If you enter a sphere of influence you will be used to triangulate. During the golden period you will be used to make her feel/look better (“she is so caring”/”you were a selfish bitch”) and when she is devalued (as she will be) you will be used to make her feel worse (“Peaceful was beautiful and looked after herself, look at the state of you, you fat lump.”)
Thank you HG. That made me laugh.
Just in case you have not read it yet, the article ‘Let’s Talk About the Ex’ reveals what narcissists say about the ex IPPS.
I knew my ex’s new GF we worked in the same field. She was the total opposite of me. Yet she was/is beautiful. Similar to his ex wife whom I had the pleasure of meeting durning a court proceedings. Talk about tension we literally ran into each other in the ladies room.
I remember the first thought I had in that moment…..she doesn’t know how evil he is…..
I’ve been reading your work for about half a year now and still sometimes something you’ve written takes me back in time to a moment with narcex and explains perfectly something I’d often wondered about. Such was the case with this one. Thank you for the insight.
You are welcome. That is one of the benefits of continue to read my work.
It’s interesting when you read it again later on and you can see how your feeling or attitude about it has changed from the first time you read it. That’s what I’ve found anyway.
This is so true. Some of the articles I read early on completely horrified me because they were so cuttingly real. Now when they come around again, I’ll read them with an entirely new, educated perspective and oftentimes I’ll even find humor in them and see my whole situation as ridiculous versus heartbreaking.
Well, if this isn’t an actual description of what an “attention whore” is and does, literally, then I don’t know what is.
It’s really my narc to a T, too. And then he’s also an adulation whore and adoration whore, as well. Men, women, children–he’ll take it where he can get it.
You are quite right, HG. It’s never about the body, it’s always about the mind.
When I was a young cub, I wanted it all. To be a princess, a mother, a wife and have roses around the door.
Now im older, I want my children and an equal to be my partner. That’s all. Don’t care if he’s faithful as long as he’s faithful with his mind.
Oh and to write. I have so much to say. Much indeed.