Don’t Know What You Want



“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

20 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want


    This is incredible … Your such an amazing writer . you are able to embody the “victim” effortlessly.
    And thank you for writing me back ! I am going to set up an appointment with you .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you, you are welcome and I look forward to assisting you.

  2. Maria Bernadette says:

    Grateful to have discovered your website. HG, I have been sharing your blogs on my Facebook and wickedly on LinkedIn profile, with a preface, “Supporting the author, sharing this…” then guilt set in as I forgot to ask your permission — Can I keep sharing your blogs?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Certainly, so long as I am credited as author and/or it links to my blog. Thank you for spreading the word.

  3. Blondie says:

    HG have not read some of these posts before just want to thankyou for always posting.When I feel crap and come here there is always helpfull information which I can understand…its been a very hard hill to climb so far but onwards and upwards. Thankyou

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome, Blondie, I am pleased my work is assisting you.

  4. Kensey says:

    “They say when you are going through hell”….
    Look at who is dragging u there & runnnnn far away. Forever.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Actually, Churchill said ‘when you are going through hell, keep going.”

      1. K says:

        Churchill knew what he was talking about.

      2. shesaw says:

        And some brilliant other Brit would say “get out and stay out”

      3. Kensey says:

        I may stop posting here.
        YOU HG…are the one that said\ says “ Get Out! STay Out! “
        IOW: GOSO!
        Can’t have it both ways Mr. HG?
        Maybe have a talk with your fine self.
        Luv, Kensey ❤️
        PS. Churchill was prob a Narc!

  5. Mai says:

    HG, is this written from your perspective or ours?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What do you think, Mai?

      1. Butterfly says:

        Our perspective…the victims

      2. Mai says:

        Honestly? I think either. My ex-narc genuinely thought he had given me everything and was greatly pained that it did not work out after so much effort on his behalf. I thought his numerous tears were so heartfelt, but he was obviously upset his source of fuel was growing stale. So yes, although I know it is from the victim’s perspective, it could also be from a self-absorbed narcs perspective as well.

    2. DANA R SOTTILARO says:

      I would most definetly think from the empath/lover perspective ….although it would be such an amazing feet to have a narrsistic/sociopathic man change for us because of the love we gave …wouldnt it ?

      Don’t hold your breath …empaths are good at dying .

  6. Ashar Malcah Bella says:

    How did your story starts off as a beautiful lovelstory and 3/4 of the way through take a sharp and sudden twist? It could have been a perfect ending … WOW… the Narcissist Wins Again … WOW

    1. NarcAngel says:

      A perfect description of entanglement with a narcissist.

    2. DANA R SOTTILARO says:

      The tragedy of it all I think is what makes it wonderful ….because it’s real . any other ending would be imaginative at best . I think empaths need “fuel” too ….we get off on the idea of possible rehabilitation .

      We love the movie natural born killers lol ….

      we always want to believe there is some empathy in them somewhere
      that they could feel even a fraction of what we feel ……….i think what’s so painful is the reality of it …how the begging made you feel vs the ending .
      But this is exactly how it goes in real time .
      Great writing !

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