You’ve Changed


You’ve changed and I don’t know why. Have I done something wrong? Have I done something to offend you or upset you? Why have you changed? You aren’t interested in me anymore. Once upon a time you would sit in rapt attention as I explained things to you, as I told you about the things I had done. The things which mattered to me. I thought you liked them too. You seemed interested and it was a genuine interest as you asked me questions and admired me for what I told you about. Do you remember those conversations? I do, although I must admit there are days when they seem such a distant memory to what we have now that I wonder if I made them up or dreamt them. Those afternoons where we lay in bed, the world so far away from us as we held one another and made plans. The world was ours to conquer wasn’t it? We made such grand plans, you and I, with nothing to stop us or hold us back. Except ourselves. How have we come to be so far apart? Where did it go wrong? How did these changes happen? What caused them? We were united as one. We did not know where one of us started and where the other ended, we were so entwined. I was happy. I thought you were too. You seemed happy. Tell me you were happy.

We did everything together. I never wanted to be anywhere other than by your side. You completed me. I completed you. Two halves at long last united. Two lost souls who were wandering through the wilderness and then we found one another and all became wonderful. I did not dare to believe it was happening at first. After so many had failed, those who offered so much yet turned out to be pretenders with nothing but failure dripping from those promising lips. How I yearned to find the right one and just as I had almost given up all hope, along you came. My saviour. I knew from the moment I saw you that we belonged together. I could sense it and that first kiss, well, I can still feel the tingling up and down my spine even now, after all this time, after everything that has been said and done.

Why did you change? I did nothing wrong. I gave you my all. I believed in us but perhaps I have let you down, perhaps I have failed you in some way. Is there another? Is that why your eyes no longer shine when you look at me? Is that why your special smile has not been seen in these parts for too long? Do my tales and stories bore you now? Does the re-telling of these famous tales grow stale? Perhaps you have found someone else, someone who gives you what you want, someone new and exciting? Is that it? Is that why you have changed. Have you found sanctuary in the arms of another and now you have become malleable in their hands as you once were in mine? Do you remember how you said that my touch brought you to life and how you had merely existed beforehand? Do you remember taking my hand as we walked mile upon mile, never faltering from having something to say to one another. How we used to talk? Now I am lucky if I get a sentence from you as you take refuge in a monosyllabic citadel, seeming as if you are more content to reside there than with me. Your words used to flow, enchanting and marvellous and how I delighted to hear what you had to say. You could make the mundane magical and all through that perfect and delicious mouth of yours. Does that mouth still weave its magic for someone else now? Do the words feel leaden, your mouth full of dust when you talk to me? I still listen. I still give you the attention but it no longer works as it did before. I know it is not me that has changed. I never do. I can see that it is you that has changed but I am at a loss to understand why this happened. Believe me, I have spent long hours working out everything that has been said, what has not been said and all the acts and omissions. I have played them, replayed them and chopped back and forth, like some detective analysing CCTV footage in the hope of finding that one clue. That one lead, that certain something that will allow me to understand how we lost that certain something.

Is it that you want me to change? Do you need me to transform into something different? Is that it? I will be whatever you want me to be if only we can have what we once had. You have changed but if you need me to do so too, if that is what it takes to recover ourselves then I am willing. Tell me, just give me a sign, some kind of signal so I know what to do. Your wall of silence gives me no indication of what I must do in order to save us. Do you do that because all your time and attention must be saved for someone else and therefore you have none to give me? Have they come like some silent-footed thief and stolen away the person who I want more than anything on this earth? Perhaps that is what has really happened. You have not changed but rather the real you, the you that makes everything matter again, has been acquired by a pilferer. Has your soul been stolen by another? Have they taken it when I was regrettably distracted and have they now placed it in a gilded locker, far away from me, leaving me with just the husk, the image of what once was? Perhaps that is what has happened. I know you have changed but perhaps, just perhaps it was not of your doing. Maybe an outside agent has influenced you, brought about this alteration, neither seeking nor obtaining our consent to this heinous act. Yes, that must be what it is for I know you would not willingly leave me. How could you? Why would you? Why leave what we have and leave me with so little when once we had so much? You have changed but it is at the sordid and filthy direction of another which gave you no choice. Did you warn me? Perhaps you did but I did not notice. Did you cry out and seek my help? Maybe you did but I was distracted and I did not hear. Tell me now, tell me how I can help you. I will do anything to win what we had back. That brilliant, loving, passionate and above all seemingly perfect union that you and I created before this change occurred.

Please, I am begging you, just tell me what I have to do. I am lost for ideas, I have no more ingenuity or guile to achieve what needs to be done and I need your assistance more than ever before. Don’t let them win, do not let those who are jealous of what we have, the green-eyed interlopers who have watched and waited for that moment to drive a wedge between us. Don’t let them make your change permanent. Fight, fight with me, for me so we can succeed and shine again. I cannot stand where we are now. The pain and weakness that sweeps me tears me apart, makes me feel disgusting and wretched. I cannot stand to be this way for it causes me such great distress as I look over to you watch you, unnoticed by you. You are not who I knew you once as. I do not recognise the person who sits across from me now. So much is alien, so much has become foreign. I don’t feel like I know you anymore. Or that I ever did.

20 thoughts on “You’ve Changed

  1. Candace Marie says:

    When the mask falls….such a disappointment

  2. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    I read a lot of your post and sometimes I don’t know very well who you are talking about, Narcissist or Empathic?
    In this case, I find that the line is blurred so much that I no longer know who is who, and if the narcissist can feel the same.
    The words in this post, bring to my mind the feelings I went through on that occasion. But on the other hand, the writing seems to speak of the feelings of the narcissist.
    I don’t know sometimes, it seems that I don’t understand very well what he writes. On many occasions his writings seem to me as if they were “a specular image of feelings”.
    Tudor makes my mind go crazy, creating cognitive dissociation in many of his writings.
    I could explain to myself who we are talking about in this writing. I don’t think it’s the language.
    I think maybe he is understanding what the narcissist might really feel. That is nothing else than what we feel ourselves…
    Even though they are programmed to destroy what they so eagerly built and us with it.

    I suppose as usual I will not reply to my somewhat surrealistic comment…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is the whole point – to make you wonder who is talking and accordingly cause you to recognise the similarities of behaviours which occur in this symbiotic relationship but also to see how mirroring occurs. I do not always answer your comments because I find it often difficult to understand the nature of the question you are asking me and I do not have the time to unpick/unravel what it is you are trying to ask me.

  3. lisk says:

    “Why did you change? I did nothing wrong. I gave you my all. I believed in us but perhaps I have let you down, perhaps I have failed you in some way. Is there another?”

    Why did I change? Why did my fuel become stale? You say you did nothing wrong. You say you gave me your all. But you also gave your all to someone one else, if not to a bunch to others. (You could do this because your “all” is not much when it comes down to it, given your “all” is not even really you, but rather stolen scripts from movies and other peoples’ lives.)

    You have, in fact, let me down. Or, should I say, your wandering eye let me down. Your need for attention from every woman, man, and child let me down.

    Yes, you failed me by not being devoted and true to me and our relationship, like you promised you would be.

    “Is there another?,” you ask. You tell me! (I suspect you had/have plenty of “anothers.”)

    “Is it that you want me to change? Do you need me to transform into something different? Is that it? I will be whatever you want me to be if only we can have what we once had.”

    No, I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you anymore.

    No, I don’t need you to transform. I don’t need you anymore.

    I only wanted and needed you to be you, but that’s the last person you can or know how to be.

    You say I’m injuring you with all that I’ve said above? If you don’t want to hear it, don’t ask.*

    *HG, I assume you realize that this is not directed at you, personally, but to the Narchetype in general, and to my ex-narc specifically.

  4. Mai says:

    The mask can’t stay forever…. neither can the feigned interest in our hobbies and activities.

    I had an enjoyable moment at dinner with my ex-narc a few weeks ago. He went to order me a Cabernet (the ONLY wine he would ever drink, despite my attempts at education)…. I stopped him, and ordered a glass of Rose with our server…. looked at him kindly and said “ I always disliked Cabernet, but we never really did have anything in common”…. he looked quite shocked. Later on we stepped outside to vape, and he said, “ See Bear? We both vape…. we actually had a lot in common”…

    I mean REALLY? The fact that we both vape is proof of how similar we are?

    No, once the mask slipped, it made it easier to let go. I feel sorry for his new primary, but hopefully they have a little more in common that sex and vaping!

  5. Pam says:

    I read this twice and I need to ask what is maybe very obvious to most.. Is this a letter from supply to a narc or narc to supply that gas begun to see through the bs?
    H G, thank you for the time you take to help us heal<3

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. What do you think?

  6. jean says:

    Reality check: “You’ve stopped pretending to be something you’re not…” that mask was so comforting…I felt so, so special…

  7. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest HG: Who`s on first? If the Narc tests the empath too early, she leaves, because she believes she should have been trusted and he should have been stable enough to know that. If the empath demands the golden period and idealization phase to continue for too long, the Narc is drained and believes she should have expected a reduction in intensity after a reasonable time period, if she were a stable person, so he devalues/discards her. Who`s on first? Neither are. This will not be a perfect game. There will be balks and passed balls and dirty slides. Both players will have made errors in this game.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Not necessarily, early tests do not always equate to an escape because the test is subtle and/or ET gets in the way.
      2. The victim never demands the golden period to continue for too long, they do not know what it is.

  8. Joanne says:

    That out of nowhere, overnight change. Truly one of the worst feelings ever.

    1. MB says:

      Joanne, yep! It was this inexplicable change that sent me scurrying around for answers. HG has all of them!

      1. Joanne says:

        It’s actually crazy how all the questions and answers are right here. Even after months of “awareness” it still stops me in my tracks when HG will write about some hypothetical scenario that lines up perfectly with what I experienced!

        1. MB says:

          Joanne, that is how I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that HG is speaking truth! The proof is in the pudding. Non-believers will believe if they read here and educate themselves.

          1. Joanne says:

            True on the non-believers. The closest I could get my best friend to believe my “diagnosis” of him was with the strawberry ice cream article. She still wasn’t bought in but at least it was a slight break through 😑

          2. MB says:

            Joanne, everybody I know thinks HG is creepy. I let my mother hear him on the “Your Tudor Tale” IG post. She said hearing him makes her feel sick! Apparently he scares her! Sorry HG 😞 #mamaisnofan

          3. Joanne says:

            Have you shared your story with a lot of your family/friends? Well, no offense HG but the first time I heard you on YouTube I thought it was a voiceover and I thought it was a fictional tale. I wish I could remember which reading it was. Anyway, I was horrified, but intrigued. I think I stumbled there after watching a Sarah Speaks vid (couldn’t be more opposite 😂)

      2. Bibi says:

        That drastic shift in personality is what sealed the deal for me. It just didn’t make any sense.

        Speaking of masks, I don’t know how HG would feel about this, but as some of you know, there has been this Ted Bundy extravaganza going on. He is suddenly everywhere (I think this has to do with it now being 30 yrs since his execution) and this past Fri I watched this doc. on him and listening to some of those recordings he gave–recordings that have only since been released.

        (They have a special on NF about him but I don’t subscribe to NF anymore, so I can’t watch that, unfortunately.)

        But anyway, while listening/watching, I found myself getting lulled into his words, they were even slightly hypnotic, like I completely forgot for a moment what he was and just listened to his articulate tone and manner. It’s like I was buying into him. Then I had to smack myself out of it.

        I would be very interested in an HG article on this man. I was 12 when he was executed and I remember all that shit on the TV 24/7 and talk about feeding a narc’s ego.

        It is just so strange to me, that even his victims who managed to get away all commented on his attractiveness and charisma. Imagine someone trying to bludgeon you with a crowbar and yet you can recall his beautiful blue eyes? It makes me wonder if HG had encountered him could he see through the mask instantly?

        1. Joanne says:

          I only watched one NF episode but I kind of see what you’re saying. Hearing him sound so vulnerable at times did soften me for a moment. (Massive ET surge). For me, the mask plus his looks. There is something about a man who is that attractive, yet so self deprecating and wounded that is so appealing to me. Would it be the same if he was not so attractive? I can easily say no. Not sure what that says about me….

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