Needing Release

needing

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.

20 thoughts on “Needing Release

  1. Candyce Marie Mathews Cox says:

    I’m in the “final discard” and without provocation, my husband has said almost ALL of this to me verbatim…He has yet to admit I’ve been replaced. He never admitted to a girlfriend the first time he ghosted either…..He has no relationship with his lesser narcissist father, but his mother…. Well, he loves her more than me and she raised in a church, which he attends on occasion to keep face….Would this upbringing keep him from admitting affairs or a girlfriend if he’s afraid his mother will think less of him?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Candyce, there is no such thing as a final discard.

    2. K says:

      Candyce Marie Mathews CoxCandyce
      Yes, that upbringing would keep him from admitting the affairs or a girlfriend. That is facade maintenance, he is most likely a midrange narcissist and it is very clear that he has triangulated you with his mother. I don’t know if you have read this article but you may find it helpful.

      https://narcsite.com/2019/01/30/the-final-discard-except-its-not-that/

      1. Candyce Marie Mathews Cox says:

        Thank you for commenting! I have read it before, but I reread it for a refresher. Well, I suppose this explains the Madonna/Whore complex a bit further. His father was just awful to his mother and my husband holds her on a pedestal. He tells me all the time that we’re just incompatible but that he loves me and I’ll always be the only mother to his children…gag. Ugh!!! I need to get laid and not by a man with Madonna/Whore/Oedipus Rex complexes!

        1. K says:

          You are welcome Candyce Marie Mathews Cox
          I find it very helpful to reread the articles to refresh our memory. The Madonna/Whore complex was part of my experience, as well.

          Watch out, Mother of My Children is power play that can be used by him to fulfill the Prime Aims.

          Ha ha ha….good luck finding some non-narcissistic//Oedipus Rex complex nooky!

  2. Maureen says:

    So typical how is it that all narcs think exactly the same, it’s like you all went to the same school. Thanks HG for sharing and giving so much more insight.

    Maureen

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  3. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Simply brilliant this post, but on the one hand the deal with the narcissist frustrates me. Well, there are so many things you would say to him, that knowing that you can’t say anything to him or you shouldn’t say anything frustrates me. It’s like putting a gag in your mouth, in this case consciously.
    When I was there I didn’t say anything because of their reactions. And now that I’m not here I won’t be able to say anything when the time comes either.
    Simply Frustrating.

  4. Lisa says:

    Is this written by the narc?

    1. flutterbymorpho says:

      Well i didnt think so when i read it.. i was surprised when reading the comments.. The first half is my life from my viewpoint! The second half, because I haven’t escaped yet.. is exactly what I would think and say!! So I’m starting to wonder again now if it’s me that’s the disordered one!

      1. K says:

        flutterbymorpho
        Exactly, do we have EPD? Empathic Personality Disorder. I think so.

  5. Butterfly says:

    That’s how you’d like it to be…but I’m sorry, it is not like that. Maybe it is that way with co-dependents, but not with me…you’ll have to live with that injure. I will never be with someone that is not feeling he’s the luckiest person in the world for being with me, not a single sec.

  6. Dragonfly says:

    Remembering those lies to this day. Suddenly a thought pops in remembering another lie he told and on and on. It’s been about 11 months since the last time I saw him. Until today. So, I came running back to you, HG, because you helped me so much to get through and finally GOSO. I saw my ex and I instinctively knew what to do. I knew he has never had feelings. He is a “teflon narc.” Today I believe it 100 percent . . . that it is possible to be free.

    I wonder if you remember, HG, the names that come back, like me, after about 6 months. I say ‘about’ because I no longer count the minutes, hours, days and weeks. Time has changed. I am becoming much more my true empathic self as staying out of romantic situations, was tempted but I don’t trust my judgment quite yet. My supernova trait has subsided greatly. I thought, 11 months ago, I turned into a narc, no offense. Narcs/empaths are neither a good thing or a bad thing, they just are who they are and we cannot change it.

    It really helps me step back and see how it all plays out. Every single time. I get caught up. I am getting out much sooner but, HG, I’m still falling into the trap. It’s my pattern. It is the way I have been in each encounter, Male or female, dog or cat. Help!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I always recognise the names, yes. I may not recall all details of somebody’s circumstances but with a few prompts the information invariably comes flooding back. If you require assistance with regards to your personal circumstances, I will readily assist and the appropriate forum is through a consultation.

  7. Dragonfly says:

    Thanks HG. I needed this reminder. I’m baffled by my own self-deprecating behavior and would actually LISTEN. If his/her (yup, I got conned for 3 weeks by a fast friend I crossed paths with, same sex, heterosexual narc). It took me 3 long weeks 24/7 with her to figure it out. But I may not be well, but I’m getting better.

  8. mai51 says:

    Oh HG! You could easily be my ex-narc writing this.

    “Mai, why do you even want to stay with someone who no longer loves you, thinks you’re a lazy lover, thinks you make no effort anymore, thinks you should take better care of her man, and who is disgusted by you?! What is wrong with you Mai? Do you have so little respect for yourself?”

    (Meanwhile cosying up to the new supply in every available moment”

    Unreal.

  9. W says:

    When will you publish Narcissist: Unmasked?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello W, when I finish it!

  10. lisbeth says:

    sounds like what I wrote to him. lol

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