Game For A Laugh (The Narcissist and Humour)
Where does a sense of humour fit into the make-up of the narcissist?
I am pleased to report I have an excellent sense of humour – when it suits me. As a consequence of being well-read, interested in the world (for the purposes of ensuring my place is firmly recognised within it) and the fact I am quick-witted, I am able to fashion wit out of many situations but only on the basis that is serves my purpose. Like nearly everything else, laughter and humour are tools that some of our kind are able to deploy for the purposes of furthering our aims. They are devices and conduits to achieving what we want and how our sense of humour is fashioned is very much dependent on the circumstances in which we find ourselves and our fuel needs.
Take for instance a Friday evening. I often attend a local bar with a number of my inner circle friends. In some of the bars which I frequent regularly I also know outer circle friends who will often be there at the same time and tertiary sources, people I might say hello too and little else. This is an environment which allows me to hold court as I regale my eager listeners with my tales of corporate derring ‘do, mock the latest blunder of an intimate primary source, argue about politics in order to keep a secondary source in his place in the pecking order and so on. Humour always plays a part. I am well aware that by demonstrating a keen sense of humour and drawing giggles, snorts and belly laughs this is all good positive fuel and aids in the maintenance of the façade to demonstrate that I am entertaining company, fun to be around and amusing. I always find my jokes and witty anecdotes amusing, obviously.
I also recognise that for the purposes of continuing to draw fuel and to maintain the façade that it is necessary for me to laugh at the comments and antics of others. This does not come naturally. If someone else is telling a joke, the spotlight is on them. I do not like that. It does not ignite my fury, far from it but I want the laughter to be because of my anecdote not say my friend Paul’s recollection of an incident at work. I recognise that what he is saying is meant to be amusing and I know that other people will laugh, but I do not find it funny because it is not humour generated by me. Of course, if I see it as appropriate to maintain the façade and I often do, I will laugh and chortle and throw out a compliment such as ‘very funny’ or ‘good one’ before looking to trump it with my own joke or anecdote. I do not however find the comment amusing per se. I feign my amusement for the purposes of fitting in, maintaining the façade and in order to ensure people respond to my comments in a positive manner.
Of course there will be times when I deem it necessary to allow my lack of humour to manifest. This might be done with some cocky newcomer to the group who thinks that he can take centre stage. As he unleashes a joke or fire out some one liners, I remain unmoved. I can see other people may laugh, but I do not. This is not manufactured. I do not find what is said as funny because it is starving me of fuel and starving me of fuel is not a laughing matter. I want this young turk to know that I am unamused and therefore I shall not laugh and instead comment about how I have heard it before, (if I have not already interrupted him and told the punchline before him) or that it is a sick joke, or it is racist of homophobic so as to gain the moral high ground (who me?!) and cut him down to size. I know that the Lieutenants in this gathering will see that I am unmoved. They will either wait to see if I laugh and follow suit or if they start laughing and see I am not, they will halt their own laughter. They value their positions in the group. Even if others in the group continue to laugh, there is a degree of discomfort since some of us have not laughed and that provides me with the fuel that I want. I have made it about me and wrested the spotlight away from this interloper.
Of course, when I dole out my observations, witty anecdotes and so forth, I am on sparkling form. I will raid the gags which I have heard elsewhere (all part of the trait acquisition) and whilst it is well-recognised that people re-tell other people’s jokes, I will claim to have invented the joke. Often my humour is spur of the moment and is a genuine pithy comment or witty remark which amuses. I truly relish the fuel that arises from doing so. I am able to allow my sparkling repartee and witty badinage to spread its wings so that those with me are howling with laughter.
Similarly, if I am watching a film or a television programme which is a comedy, I do not sit and laugh to myself. What is the point of that? There is no fuel to be gained. Instead, I might remark by text to a friend that there is a good stand-up performance so that he or she replies in a fuelling manner. If I am with somebody and they are laughing at the comedian on the television I am fighting to keep my fury under control. I do not want their attention focussed on this gagmeister on the goggle box, I want them fuelling me. Thus, I will either, dependent on whether I am seducing or devaluing, sit frowning at the television and heckling the performer so that whoever is with me reacts and suggests watching something else or berates me for interrupting, I do not mind so long as the attention switches to me and I am gaining fuel. If it is seduction, I will allow my laughter to issue forth to show that I am a man of humour and that I enjoy watching the same comedy as you. I will also use it as a platform to tell my own jokes so that you laugh with me as well.
Mentioning the issue of laughing with me, I am of course content for you to do so, but I cannot stand to be laughed at. None of my kind can. If you laugh at me rather than with me then this is an almighty criticism and the fury is ignited immediately. We often struggle to contain our fury in such an instance and you will witness us lashing out, storming off or creating a scene in order to bring your mocking laugher to an abrupt halt and switch to annoyance, concern, fear or such like. Anything to stop the burning criticism arising from your laughing at us. We hate it. We have a complete sense of humour failure at being mocked in this manner and it will result in repercussions for those who are laughing at us.
I of course know when laughter is required and I decide whether I shall join in or not. Some of our kind are not as attuned and it takes them a little while before they realise that they should be laughing because the sense of humour is not there. Instead, they must realise that it would be appropriate to laugh and you will witness a pause before the laughter begins. Listen carefully and you will hear that it is hollow. Look to their eyes and you shall see that the eyes do not twinkle with amusement but remain fixed and hollow. This show of humour and amusement is an artifice and is part of the Mask Carousel which we operate.
Finally there are instances however which truly do amuse me and make me laugh. Whereas the supposed humour of others is either rejected or embraced all as part of the need to generate fuel, be it positive or negative and I make a decision as to what it will be rather than an instinctive response, there are occasions where I will laugh instinctively. Those are occasions where somebody else has suffered a misfortune, especially if it has been caused by me. Schadenfreude is a marvellous device and one which causes me to smile, to laugh and to bellow with laughter. This accords with my perverted sense of humour which arises from gaining delight in the misfortune of others. Whereas with other people’s attempts at humour I have to decide whether I will remain nonplussed or feign hilarity for the sake of drawing fuel and the maintenance of the façade, when I see someone fail because I have hidden a report they need, I either break out into paroxysms of mirth behind my office door or if I know it would not look good to do so in front of the façade, I stifle my amusement and allow it to erupt when I am in the gent’s bathroom or with a lieutenant at lunch later.
The basis for my humour has been repeatedly touched on in my discussions with the good doctors over the past months and they have been interested to learn of this valve-like approach to exhibiting humour. They entirely understand that I use it as another device for the gathering of fuel. They also recognise that my revelling in schadenfreude is related to the streak of sadism which runs through me, but we have discussed the origins of why I operate in this almost staccato like manner when it comes to matters of mirth. It appears that my almost completely regulated approach arises from the fact that I learned under the reign of MatriNarc that laughter was viewed as the voice of a fool and best kept silent. Thus like, as I have learnt and I am learning, much of my development has become warped, the creation of my sense of humour has been affected in much the same way, being seen as a product to be used rather than a natural consequence of matters arising, save for those where I witness the manufactured misery of another.
Some say that if they didn’t laugh they would cry.
I wasn’t allowed the luxury of either.
Thus I turned humour into another weapon; either to charm, to withhold or to belittle.
It really is no laughing matter.
32 thoughts on “Game For A Laugh (The Narcissist and Humour)”
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HG, pardon me for getting off track, but this breaks my heart on so many levels. One, because you were treated thus by MatriNarc. Two, because of the impact that treatment has had on your life. Three, because it must be exhausting to have to be focused nearly every minute on obtaining the quantity of fuel needed to sustain you and maintain the facade. That you liken a lack of fuel to starving speaks to it’s extreme importance. My heart breaks for you for many reasons, but the biggest reason is because you don’t believe it’s possible for you to overcome the effects of MatriNarc’s abuse to truly enjoy love and life, to experience intimacy, to trust another on that level, to just relax and experience joy. I realize it’s none of my business and I have no right to speak on the subject so please forgive me, but I find my own fury ignited towards MatriNarc for what she put you and your family through. I have so many questions about you and how you grew to be the way you are. I do not know why MatriNarc has insisted on forcing the issue of treatment, but I’d like to hope that it’s because she realizes (and dare I say even regrets?) her errors. While it’s true I can’t say what her motivation was/is, assuming
that none of your siblings have followed in her footsteps, I do believe they love and care for you and want you to get better. I know it doesn’t matter to you, but I want you to get better. I hope so much that in time you may experience happiness in the same way we do. I wish you full happiness and joy in your future. I deeply respect and admire you for not only your work here, but for that which you’ve done within yourself. I’m rooting hard for you, HG. I believe all of us here are.
Thank you for your sentiments, Taryn. It is not exhausting for me, this is what I am designed to be and created to do. I understand why it seems exhausting to you however.
I doubt she regrets sod-all. He’s just the designated loony in the house, because there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with HER. Sick families do that.
Maybe I need to watch my snotty remarks here.
Laughing…..
The MLesser I was entangled with, told me that he was working with a man who had sexually abused his sister (!) and she was also being sexually abused by their father. He then made a joke, saying that «do you know what she said when her brother molested her? If you do that again, I will tell daddy». And this was so funny to my ex ML, he laughed hard over his own «joke».
In hintersight, I see that he was probably trying to make me uneasy and put me off and gain fuel from this(?) This is NOT something I would ever find funny. It was just sickening to listen to. I have never been sexually abused myself, but I would never ever make a joke about something like that.
It was just below all lows, I think. Absolutely no empathy, that’s for sure. Is this typical of the Lesser, to make jokes about such a tragedy? Or is this something all schools could do?
The Lesser will do this more than any other school owing to their lack of façade, lack of awareness and lack of ‘filter’. It is a good example that you relay of this behaviour through supposed humour.
Thank you. Yes, he has absolutely no filter. I see him more clearly now, for the Lesser he is. Really just a low life bastard.
Narcissists are witty so this one is disappointing, but ahh looking back, it makes sense. I’ve even said to him- you can laugh when I say something you know is funny. He would just tell me I crack him up, but, I think twice, as it was unusual, he burst out a big Ha. My cerebral brother was very humorous and witty, but maybe his laughs were for the things he said? and actually probably didn’t laugh that much, but enjoyed making us laugh.
Being a narcissist must be exhausting. Always having to put forth an effort to do the opposite of what you feel. They say laughing has good health benefits, I wonder if narcissism is unhealthy for your body.
HG
There are a lot of things that can (and are) said about you. Funny as fuck is one that I appreciate. I enjoy your humour.
I can’t think right now how to phrase this as not to put you on the spot, so forgive me if you will, I’ll just be blunt.
Are you unable to really appreciate humour when it is expressed here by commenters and are feigning amusement and giving only the response you think appropriate? I ask this because you say in the article that the humour must be caused by you and sometimes the humour here is random and not initiated by you. Or, are you able to appreciate it because the blog is an extension of you and therefore you feel you are (if even only indirectly) the cause of it? I still have a little confusion about whether or not you personally feel or appreciate humour if it is not your own.
My intelligence enables me to work matters out.
HG
Just to be clear – I was not questioning your intelligence or ability to understand or ‘get’ the joke. It was more about appreciation in the form of a physical reaction or sensation. You referred in the article to paroxysms of mirth behind an office door and stifled amusement at something erupting in the gent’s bathroom. Those indicate physical responses, albeit to something you initiated. I wondered if those same sensations could also be felt when the humour is generated by others but you are alone (say behind your computer screen) when there is no witness or evidence of intent in having attention being taken from you. Examples:
1. Have you ever really had a proper belly laugh when you are alone in response to something funny that someone else has said or that you’ve read that you did not initiate?
2. Thus far have you actually felt a positive physical sensation to anything humorous that Shieldmaiden has offered up (that you did not initiate), or has it all been maintenance of the facade so far? I am interested in this as opposed to a response to others in your matrix because it could be indicative of possible (gradual) change/acceptance/progress on your part in this new dynamic.
I have always anticipated that humour was lost on the Lesser and Mid and that there was no point in hoping to affect them, but I wondered about any effect on that of the Greater/Elite/Ultra.
Thank you in advance for any consideration/response.
1. No.
2. Yes.
HG, is your yes in 2,
Yes, you have you felt a positive physical sensation to domething humorous Shieldmaiden offered up (that you did not initiate), or yes it has all been maintenance of the facade so far?
There has been no façade.
HG
Thank you for your time and answer to my question.
You are welcome.
1. That is so sad HG.
Sad in a way that I genuinely feel sorry for you.
Not saying you’re sad
I love your second answer. So happy to hear it.
@NA
That was an excellent question!
HG I can’t believe you aren’t amused with the jokes made in the comments.
I didn’t think I could be more shocked by narcissists. But here I am… very very shocked
I commented before I read the full article.
“Some say that if they didn’t laugh they would cry.
I wasn’t allowed the luxury of either.”
Well, now I’m depressed!
Laughing with other people is one of the greatest feelings in the world. And a child’s laugh is so precious.. wow
I’m so shocked the Matrinarc went so far as to want control over laughter. I would have thought that you and your siblings would have at least been able to do some normal human things.
My ex narc told «jokes» usually on my behalf, more like jabs at me, that usually made me a little upset. When I asked why he would say these things, he always said «that is my kind of humor» or «that is just the way I am». (I guess this proves his sense of entitlement). Is this a sign of devaluation?
Leolita
Yes, telling jokes at your expense is devaluing behaviour
Thanl you for answering, K. It was like I expected.
You are welcome Lolita.
Thank you, HG, for this fully detailed account—very insightful. The first part I anticipated (fuel and facade), the resentment of others usurping your limelight also made sense, but the part about enjoying the misfortune of others I struggle with on several levels. On the one hand, your Valentines revenge was indeed funny, but no real harm was done and the “hurt” party was another narc. But, if you are referring to laughing at general, authentic suffering from cruelty or unprovoked misfortune, this I do not understand.
Your facade is so effective on the blog, I sometimes forget the psychopathic aspect until it crops up in your works. Does your sadistic streak/enjoyment of others pain stem from the original pain suffered by the creature? Or is it a sense of elevating your self esteem, power and control at the causing or recognition of another’s misfortune? Or something else? Would appreciate enlightenment if you don’t mind the questions asked.
I really hope your expressed willingness to be less hurtful to others while pursuing your prime aims is successful and that you persevere in that pursuit. And I wish you could feel joy from your humor, but as a consolation, you successfully provoke unseen fuel from your readers with your wit.
Wow, amazing read! So engrossed there, I didn’t want it to end.
So much makes sense after reading this!
So accurate. My LLV matrinarc didn’t laugh much and when people around her are laughing with for example my really funny aunt she had this weird smile that looks like she thinks that all of us who were laughing are stupid. The only comedy movies that she laughed at are slapstick types where people get hurt or something stupid or ironic happens to them. But her laughs are very short. I did most of the laughing for the both of us when we watched funny movies. The only time that I remember seeing her have an uncontrollable belly laughter (I will never forget this) was when my younger cousin who was vacationing with us was attacked by all kinds of ginormous red ants. We were living in the province then, I was probably about 10-11 and so he was probably 8 yrs old. We had a guyabano tree (a fruit tree) and she asked him to pick a fruit and so he climbed the tree to pick a fruit and all of the big red ants started crawling all over him. I was yelling at him to climb down while I was grabbing the kerosene but he was too preoccupied with scratching and screening until finally he had the presence of mind to climb down. I poured kerosene all over him to kill the ants and all kinds and giant dead ants fell off of my poor cousin. My matrinarc was laughing the whole time and didn’t help us. I was upset because I felt that she was too stupid to understand how much that hurts but now I understand that it’s because she doesn’t have empathy.
My MRE sister had a very witty sense of humor. She was highly intelligent and well-read. She made me laugh a lot and she loved my self-deprecating sense of humor. But I have never seen her have a belly laugh either. Her sense of humor was actually very similar to yours. Except that yours is way much better than hers.
Very interesting HG! My ex narc is Texan, and I am Australian. He often would say that he didn’t understand my humour…. I put it down to Australian’s are quite self deprecating, and also if we tease you, it means we like you. Now I realise, he literally couldn’t understand my humour! He had nothing to compare it to, having never met one before, so he hadn’t learnt how to fake the reactions.
I love your sense of humour Mr Tudor.
H G This has always been one of my favorites! Although it is sad that your Mother took the joy of laughter away from you! This is the one that I always see that sweet mischievous young boy hiding behind that office door. I think it would be hilarious if you were to send a singing clown or better yet a male stripper to your Mothers home on her birthday! Just the thought of that gives me fuel and I’m not even a narcissist!! 🤡🤡🤡🤡 🎈🎈🎈 🙃
Very well said hg…”I cant stand to be laughed at…none of my kind can” hit the nail right on the head..they can do it to you but you cant do it to them. Once again so true hg…