Tears – Part One

tears

Tears. One might consider them the ultimate embodiment of emotion. Tears appear when you have experienced some kind of extreme emotion. I know because I have watched on so many occasions as I have sought to understand the circumstances in which somebody cries and why it is that they do so. I understand that when tears appear, whether it is a welling-up in the eyes, the single full teardrop which slides down a cheek or the cascading waterfall which leaves the eyes red-rimmed and blurry, it is as a consequence of you experiencing emotion in a huge dosage. What I had to learn was which emotions were associated with the emission of water from the eyes. The first emotion that presented itself for my understanding as to how it caused tears was pain. I remembered as a child that my younger brother was somewhat accident prone. If there was tree branch he would fall off it, if there was a wall,he would fall off it and once he even managed to “fall” off a rug and sprain his ankle. The cuts and bruises would have him howling in pain as he lay there sobbing or limped away tears trickling down his face in search of our father. I saw how a physical injury such as a scraped leg or bruised forearm would bring forth a flood of tears. My younger brother would await the attendance of my concerned father, usually brought to the scene by my always caring sister and his tears would be wiped away with a large white handkerchief as consolation and soothing words were administered. I was not accident prone and therefore rarely susceptible to physical injury save the deliberate. I do recall once catching my hand on the edge of the grill and instantly a sore red weal appeared. I presented myself to my nearby mother as I felt the tears forming in my eyes.

“No tears HG,” she announced firmly, “tears show fears, be fearless,” she instructed me as she cast a cursory glance over my injury and directed me to the cold water tap. Tears came from physical hurt but it was not to be for me.

Around the same time I also understood that tears were generated by sadness and it was sister who exhibited this the most. I would find her in one of her many hiding places (I knew them well as I used them myself) and she would be quietly crying.I would ask her why she was crying because I wanted to know. Thinking back, I never felt anything other than curiousity when I saw her with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“Why are you crying Rachael?” I would ask.

“Mother shouted at me because I hadn’t tidied my room, she said I was a bad and dirty girl and I don’t like her saying that to me, it upsets me.”

I would nod in understanding and walk away, leaving her alone. She was instructive in showing me that sadness caused tears. Her rabbit escaped from its hutch and went missing so she cried because she missed it. She missed a birthday party because she was ill so she cried because she was sad that she could not play with the other children. If she watched something on television she would often be in tears as she felt bad for the starving children in Africa or the victims of some earthquake. She would cry and ask my father why God did these things and he would do his best to comfort her and explain. He was always good at finding an explanation, but he was a very bright man, well-read and with a keen hunger for knowledge which he invariably retained. There was at least something that I had inherited from him then. I would watch in fascination as Rachael would cry and he would scoop her up and make gentle noises to try to soothe her. Just as he laid a gentle hand on my sobbing injured brother, I saw how this demonstration of tears, be it through physical or emotional hurt engendered sympathy and caring from him. He never rejected them, he never barked at them to deal with it or get on with it, but he would always pander to their upset until he had chased it away and made them feel better. It always got them attention from him, more than I ever did. All they had to do was cry and the sympathy would flow with the attendant attention. I learned that quickly enough.

I, by contrast,never recall feeling sad. I have tried and the good doctors have asked me about this on numerous occasions.

“How did you feel when something bad happened to you?” Dr E would ask.

“What do you mean by bad?” I often have to help him provide some context to his questions. I thought he would have learned by now.

“If you did something wrong for example.”

“I was well-behaved as I child. I did as I was told. I saw what happened if I did not.”

“I see, did your parents ever tell you off?”

“Yes.”

“How did you feel then?”

“Resentful, angry, determined,” I answered quickly.

“Sad?”

“No.”

“Upset?”

“No.”

“How about after the incident?”

I glared at Dr E as I did not like him springing that on me without adequate warning. At least he had remembered to refer to it by the label I required.I remained silent.

“Did you not feel sad after that?”

“No.”

“How did you feel?”

I paused. I did not want to revisit this but I knew he would not stop until he had extracted something from me. He would prod and probe in order to fulfil his selfish desire to know how I felt. I felt empty and I felt angry but I had realised by now that if I told him this he would only go on even longer. The truth would not serve me here. I remained still and silent.

“How did you feel?”

I noticed his tone had become gentler, more searching.

I then thought of all the injustices that I had ever suffered, the hurt that had been meted out against me, the denial of my brilliance, the shunning of my achievements, the lack of recognition when I deserved so much more. I focused on the times when I had been ignored by the foolish, the fact that I am consigned to an unending quest for fuel. I brought to the fore the hurt that I keep under control except for moments such as this and I banished the room and Dr E from my mind as I allowed the floodgates to open. The desired effect eventually came, although it took some time and I eventually felt the welling in my eyes.I blinked theatrically to ensure that Dr E noticed and finally I felt a tear, only a small one though, squeeze out and make it was beneath my eye. I brushed at my other eye, features set in melancholy and still I said nothing. Dr E remained quiet as well as I stared at the floor willing another tear to join the first and thankfully it too finally came and rolled downward, a larger one this time which landed on my left thigh. He will have seen that. I did not look at him but concentrated on the floor still, summoning up all of the hurt I could muster in the hope of maintaining this appearance.

“I can see it is troubling you, perhaps we should move on. We can revisit this at a later time,” he said softly.

I nodded.

Those early observations of how the crying game worked had paid off once again.

18 thoughts on “Tears – Part One

  1. Mercy says:

    HG, the effort it took for you to produce 2 tears is the same effort it takes for me not to cry. I hate that I have no control over tears.

  2. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Love when you share your childhood with us. So sad! Hence the narcissistic wound.
    My ex narc revealed to me that his mother was “on the spectrum ” of autism. He let slip that she only hugged him a few times in his life. I get where his wound came from.
    As an aside, I made a major late night blunder in a text exchange with him. I told him I wanted to help him and he should check out your site. Of course he responded with, “you need to see a therapist “. I laughed and said,”absolutely! But I don’t have any insurance!” I wonder if he will drop the hoovering for a while after that exchange.
    He sent me a sexy picture of himself and wanted me to do the same, which I refused, humoring him by saying “I’m not hot enough for you ” (I really am!) The bastard actually responded with “yeah. You’re pretty cute, though.” I couldn’t control my snarkiness and shot back, “not only am I hotter than you, but probably more intelligent!” I don’t think the intelligence thing bothered him as much as the hotness factor. What’s he gonna do when his looks start to go?

  3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    This article is most interesting to me, for many reasons. You know how to prompt my thoughts, HG, as I have plenty swirling right now. (So much for trying to wind down at this hour. 😔 Not now!) I enjoy reading about your real life experiences. Thank you for sharing, HG.

  4. Joanne says:

    This is sad 🙁 Have you ever told your readers about the incident?

  5. G.B. says:

    This is so sad. No child should be shamed for their feelings. I’m guessing you are the eldest child. Is that why you went to your matrinarc for comfort Instead of your father like your siblings did?

    In your accounts of the “good doctors” it seems they want to question and analyze you, yet they do not seem to demonstrate much empathy. Do you feel empathy from them?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I do not.

      1. G.B. says:

        Thank you for your reply, HG, and I’m sorry that is the case. I read an article in Psychology Today about narcissists and change. Interesting part: only when extra empathy was demonstrated to the narcissist for what the narcissist suffered, was any progress facilitated.

        Perhaps the “good doctors” have impeccable credentials, but you may find “better doctors” for you that give you a better experience. Wishing you the best, HG.

  6. Angie says:

    just to get the attention; the fuel desired is paramount so you have to manufacture forced tears to generate sympathy from others,, I don’t understand why this is an achievement or something to be applauded making others think you feel that emotion. If you don’t , you don’t , If you do , you do.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Angie
      The superiority or achievement for them comes from the confirmation that the manipulation works. That they are successful in their manipulation of others. This does not make sense to you because that is not something you look to acheive.

      1. Angie says:

        so difficult to wrap your head around!!

  7. Christopher Jackson says:

    Damn hg you conned them to make them think they were making some leeway wow..sound like a oscar award performance.

  8. Angie says:

    I was wondering , if this article is just an example of what could possibly happen if you were being interviewed by a Doctor with regards to the feeling of sadness? or if it may be the latter and this actually happened I’m assuming naturally the first though to show you have no feeling and it’s all for appearance purposes ,,,Anger yes, resentment and determination of course but never true melancholy you feel so you would muster up all your resolve through so called injustices to be slippery and deceitful with the doctor because the truth wouldn’t do and you can’t feel it. better to maintain the facade.

  9. santaann1964 says:

    Actually Mr.H your really not the monster you claim to be but as you would use the word “indeed” your parents are. For some strange reason they made you into the black sheep. Shame on them. I witnessed the behavior from my Narc’s parents yesterday as they walked through my new home without their son here commenting on how I just don’t need him here. And as his father told me he “thought “ he heard his sons x girlfriend in his apartment while he was on the phone with him. Hurting me and directly hurting my narc (his son) and his son doesn’t even know it! Since I’m at no contact, I will not even question the narc. But come on what father does that? Ummmm a narcissist one!

  10. Angie says:

    Tears are a way of cleansing the body when we have an emotion , the body just not contain the suppressed emotion, and releases it,,it’s actually fascinating the process of how it happens.

  11. TS says:

    Has this really happened HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes.

      1. santaann1964 says:

        I’m sorry for you that you weren’t truly loved as a young human indeed neglected I truly am. But what I never hear you write about is using drugs to escape these feelings of neglect, and why you weren’t good enough for your family. I do interrupt through your pain of neglect that your siblings as well have neglected you and were taught throughout your life to do so. The same textbook story as my narcissist. I really appreciate you sharing your life story, perhaps you can reach out or counsel youngsters when this behavior starts so empathy’s God given emotion can cure them and start wiping out the demons in this world because frankly you have suffered. This is not a good way of living which you refer to as your kind!

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