Tell Me What I Want To Hear

 

I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.

I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.

You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.

Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?

When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.

When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.

It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.

I did not lie when I said that I loved you.

I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.

I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.

I just did not tell you the truth.

The truth that I never felt love for you.

Because I cannot do that.

15 thoughts on “Tell Me What I Want To Hear

  1. Snob Not says:

    I think your kind does not understand what love is… all u do is just mirror something they think they understand. After I finally understood that.. i had a very long conversation with my husband trying to make him understand that what he thinks he feels or just randomly says does mean that it is real… That all his actions, expressions, language and body language are signs of possession, control, fear of failure, entitlement… so on… I could see in his eyes that he understood what i was saying but of course would never admit it

  2. Presque Vu says:

    There are different ways to love, I’ve learned this.
    For eg, a real designer handbag versus a fake one, they smell the same – look the same – and feel the same – but which?
    I’d still buy the fake one if I knew about it (I’m not a label person I think that’s obvious) the honesty in what you are getting is important.

    But they can’t be honest, because they don’t know what they are or why the need particular traits in an intimate partner primary source. Therefore, cannot love.

    I forgive the nex. I’d love an honest conversation with him now that I’m educated BUT my NO CONTACT remains intact and shall continue so.

  3. Christopher Jackson says:

    Another good one I dint lie when I told you I love you…wow makes empathic feel stupid as shit…well not anymore. Thanks for the information very informative.

  4. Veronique Jones says:

    I don’t believe that your kind cannot love , I believe your kind are afraid of getting to close and being venerable to getting your heart broken again hence the need for control. If you’re kind genuinely felt secure with the who they are they wouldn’t have the need to control others , because they would have control over their own emotions The good opinion of others would not be in need and not have to bury their emotions to
    convince themselves that they cannot and therefore not their fault for the awful things they do , again always someone else’s fault . It’s more like not ever allowing yourself to become a victim to yourself because that’s all you see in people good people have loved you even with your faults I’m sure you don’t believe you have any but there are many it’s one of the things that all narcissists have in common

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your belief is misplaced and a product of your emotional thinking, it is the empathic trait of being a love devotee which is corrupted by your emotional thinking and used against you.

      1. santaann1964 says:

        Oh please Mr.H , you know deep in what’s buried that all your life from a youngster you craved what your siblings were getting from your parents, if your doctors dig deep enough and you start talking about what is so deeply buried in your mind. (The pain and neglect and abuse) . You will learn that there is only one kind of human. No difference, just like racism. We were all born the same to experience love. Unfortunately lives experiences change that. You too can heal, just let it go! Feel the pain, stop the cycle of you being treated badly. Stop hurting people in which you know you do exactly that. It will be empowering, because what you do is weak to deliberately destroy people. I was wondering if you have any children?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, I do not.

      2. santaann1964 says:

        I call BS! Veronica is correct. You were conditioned from a young age to control your emotions… period. You have mastered it but in the process, like you were destroyed as a youngster, you continue to destroy. Again shame on your parents.

      3. Christopher Jackson says:

        Took me a long time to understand that.

        1. santaann1964 says:

          It’s true, he just needs to get deep and deal with his pain from his upbringing and stop the cycle of abuse like he was abused and neglected. It can work but I think he is not as strong as he thinks he is. I do appreciate his behavior and encouragement to leave our Narcs but the world would be a better place if only the narcissist himself had the courage to face their fears! Just saying.

      4. Veronique Jones says:

        Yes emotional thinking is a huge part of me but I feel it not fear it there is a 3 year old little boy inside you that trusts and loves but was corrupted by abuse and a teenager that will do anything to protect him from the pain of the abuse he suffered you have convinced yourself that you don’t feel because you can function from a logical 1st person perspective and block your emotional thinking in males this is much easier than in females but not impossible for them it’s the way our brain structure set up , but it is definitely still there, The reason you need the emotional input from others is to remind yourself of what pain feels like to keep control of your emotional thinking And prevent yourself from becoming a victim again but you’re a victim to yourself you’re so busy telling lies that you believe them Yourself that’s what makes you so convincing, Even to yourself , the universe doesn’t make mistakes people do . The Infatuation that you feel is based on fairytale thinking of a perfect love but it’s real , it’s your subconscious trying to manifest what you actually desire keep seeing the doctors but try to be honest with them and yourself I truly believe there is hope for you that you can live a normal life allow yourself to be loved and believe it and allow yourself to give love without fear

    2. Elizabeth says:

      Veronique, you need to learn more about narcissism. They are completely unable to feel love for another person. This is about a personality disorder, not someone too scared to love.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        I was raised in a family full of narcissists I have a pretty good idea of how they work
        When I was younger I could never understand why they were like that I was so different the complete opposite actually l studied up on psychology trying to figure it out it’s a very flawed system that is based on statistics not people
        On one end of the spectrum you have narcissists on the other victims it’s no different really from opposite ends of a battery same thing just vibrates on a different frequency
        Narcissists are generally victims of abuse it becomes a self defence mechanism to become the perpetrator not the victim they see it as weakness to let themselves become venerable it’s a type of self abuse and blaming themselves for allowing themselves to be victimised
        The victim mentality hates the abuser both craves attention and love having been denied it for so long neither end is healthy
        Most people can find sympathy for the victim but not the narcissist the narcissist tends to have a very antisocial behaviour it’s a very affective way of keeping people at a distance not allowing yourself to get close and therefore become vulnerable and effective people tend not to care about narcissistic people when they realise what they are they compartmentalised them put them in a box and refer to them as a name rather than a person don’t get me wrong I do not condone the behaviour But I do understand that there are underlying issues that cause people to be this way and while the world is saying it’s impossible for these people to change that’s what everybody is gonna believe and it will become that way these are very wounded people a lot of the time but need to learn self love Same goes for the victim you cannot give what you do not have anything is possible if you believe it it’s it’s the laws of cause and effect

        1. Elizabeth says:

          I certainly hear what you’re saying Veronique, and you’re right on many points – yes they are the result of horrible abuse and/or neglect, and yes it’s basically a defense mechanism. But unlike co-dependents or as you refer to them, the victims, the damage is too profound and too deep for them to be able to heal. There just aren’t healed narcissists, at least not persons who have healed from NPD. You’re indeed right that they have underlying issues and you’re right that they’re afraid to trust, and for sure many of us have great compassion for them, but this compassion has to be from a distance, i.e., from a point of no contact. Maybe someday we’ll understand better why narcs can’t change, but for now the cold hard reality is that they can’t. Heartbreaking but true.

          1. Veronique Jones says:

            I definitely agree to keep a distance from any narcissist that we have been entangled with They can be incredibly damaging
            The problem isn’t that they cannot change it’s that they don’t want to people have to want to be healed for their to be any chance of it happening
            Narcissistic people are generally stunted in either child or adolescent mind set both are narcissistic stages of our emotional development, try take a two year old to the shop and not give them what they want and chances are you will be punished if you don’t do it and teenagers are usually at the most rebellious very self centred and narcissistic as part of our motional development we need it to be able to figure out who we are narcissists tend to not develop into adult stage which is why they’re so charming because they’re child like they show you the magic but don’t want to take any responsibility for anything codependence are in the victims state of mindset and also usually stunted from overbearing controlling parents or child abuse and become submissive they want to hear what others because it makes them believe they can heal themselves quite often narcissists get let off especially males you know the whole boys will be boys thing adult and parent mental states are more nurturing especially parent A narcissist will reject the state of mind it doesn’t serve them in the way in which they want it to I will always believe there is an answer to this but I’m also well aware of the fact that I don’t have control over it That is 100% up to the narcissist

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