Why Not Let Me Go?
It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have discarded us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you. Here are the reasons why.
1. Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.
2. Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.
3. Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.
4. Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.
5. Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.
6. Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain.
7. Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.
8. Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.
Thus there are several reasons why we will not leave you be and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.
54 thoughts on “Why Not Let Me Go?”
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Ema,
That all sounds like hell. I hope you can get some distance.
A friend’s narc recently proposed marriage after a year long silent treatment (the hoovers started a few months ago and she eventually agreed to see him). It was the same sort of stuff – he cried, she was the love of his life, etc. She handled it much better than I would have – she didn’t get angry or jump into his arms. She simply said that she appreciated the gesture but was not interested and said goodbye.
He had ditched her once before years ago, and she took him back that time but not this time. Sometimes it takes a few tries. I left mine (also an MRN but I was IPSS) five or six times before I finally escaped. And I once wrote an email to him (that I did not send) with the subject line ‘Please Let Me Go.’
I really adored a lot of things about him so it was all very hard. But I am 10 months NC now and only get the occasional lame indirect hoover. Yours will survive without you. Go and be happy with the other guy!
SMH
Your subject line: Please Let Me Go was prescient.
I see a power play, 8.13 The Grand Gesture: Similar to the Santa Claus Power Play but it is based on one powerful salvo designed to wow you.
We may even go so far as to propose marriage to you based on how much we need you.
He was trying to exploit her love devotee trait and those tears (pity play) were playing on her empath trait of guilt. She did very well by not falling for his act.
K, Yes, I was very proud of her for the way she handled it. She is Hollywood royalty and was therefore raised with this kind of superficial politeness that she can turn on and off at will. I don’t have that background and would never have handled it so gracefully!
After a short silent treatment, yesterday he was standing right next to my building as I was getting home from work. I had some friends with me and he was just staring and didn’t dare to approach.
I texted him this morning to ask what that was and he said he just needed some fresh air and had been standing there for an hour.
And the pity party began again. His health was at stake, he had only one reason to exist and now I should not expect him to give me any explanation to anything he does. He only asked me to meet him again just once and I refused, he’s sorry but he is done and I should let him “rest in peace”. Yes, he really wrote “rest in peace”.
I told him that the thing is that he feels he’s entitled to do as he pleases and cannot accept “no” for an answer and that I’ve seen this movie a thousand times and know how it ends.
He replied that he’s entitled to follow his heart, as I am entitled to say no and I am entitled to have spoken about love which is not there and the movie might end soon but he is not sure I have ever seen it before.
Tadaaa, the mask fell again.
Not sure what to expect now, I only know I wounded him badly again and he would perhaps deploy another silent treatment or discard me for some time…
Ema, I hope you are staying safe. It sounds to me like he could either harm himself or harm you.
He’s a coward, I don’t think he’s capable of harming me.
Most probably himself neither, however, it is repulsive of him to imply suicide, because he did not get what he wanted from me.
I feel relief that I’m not with him any longer. I don’t even feel pity now, just disgust…
Good Ema. I hope it stays that way.
Wow girl! You came a long way in a few short days!!!! So proud of you!!!!
Ema
It looks like he deployed. The Spectre Power Play: Everywhere you go you will find us hanging around which HG writes about in No Contact. You may find more information about that in his book.
The Spectre Power Play worked and you texted him and, once he was in contact with you, he used several other Power Plays which again are described in HG’s book.
All of these traits make you a good and decent person which could have led to your downfall but you didn’t fall for his load of crap. Good job. While you are receiving a silent treatment you should work on your no contact because he will be back.
Ha ha ha…excellent job on the editing, HG. I will modify my behaviour accordingly.
K, thanks, haven’t heard of The Spectre Power Play.
I should definitely check the book No Contact out.
Thank you all for your support , it meant a lot, and I am proud of myself that I didn’t let my ET take control (maybe just for a while).
I hope it stays that way!
Ema
My pleasure Ema
No Contact is very good and I think you will enjoy the Power Plays. You should be proud of yourself, you did very well controlling your ET. He may hoover again so definitely work on your NC. Keep reading and posting so your LT surpasses your ET.
Hi TD…. I have until recently follow your blog entries. Great eye openers. I decided not to give a third chance to my passive/aggressive Mid Range Narc. I stop contact with him 10 days ago. I live about 4 hours away from him (by the way, I’m from Mexico). But I’m worried about a snare campaign (he knows where I work) and most bewildering, I’m frightened (but also, i have to say, turned on) by having his presence in my work place suddenly. Some feedback?
By the way, it may please you to know that I had some epiphanies about love, relationships and the garbage values of society concerning all this topics, that expose many people to the narc hell. I realized that so may narcs have crossed by and affected my life. Family, colleagues, boyfriends, and son on.
*Whispering to Victoria*
It’s HG, not TD.
Mr Tudor is very sensitive to any misspellings of his name. You are probably getting the silent treatment now, Victoria.
🤭🤫
Victoria, you getting a silent treatment from HG is just a joke
Lou
Ha ha ha…when I first started posting, I wrote HD and quickly realized my mistake and changed it. Oops!
He hoovered me after 8 months. I agreed to meet, because he was begging me and I felt sorry for him (big mistake, I know). We met yesterday and he cried for an hour and told me how sorry he was for everything he did to me, how much he has changed and learned his lesson, etc, etc… I swear it sounded so authentic and heartbreaking, but I had put on my stoneface and did not show any sign of emotion. After he left, he continued to text me how he wanted to die in my arms, that I am the one and the only one forever. This morning he was waiting for me in front of my apartment…
Begging… again the whole day sending texts that his life is meaningless without me and he only asks for a chance to start over, build a new life together, have a happy family, as I am the love of his life and he wants to be a better person and make me happy.
I said I can’t do this. Still he is so persistent that I only told him I will think about it,just to make him stop texting, my head was going to explode.
This is the biggest struggle I’ve ever faced in my life. To love someone, knowing he’s a narcissist and could never change, and literally have your heart broken over and over again when you hear the words you dream of and see the tears in his eyes, but you know…you know you can’t go back, you know you will die if you don’t resist. But still… your heart wants to believe that maybe it is possible, maybe he has indeed realized all those things and is capable of change, care and honesty.
And despite everything he has done to me, I feel so bad for him, I see the little hurt and broken child inside of a body of a 35 years old man.
But I can’t heal him…He thinks I can and I am the cure for his misery.
I need some hard logic now…
HG, is it really completely IMPOSSIBLE this goddamn NPD to be healed or at least managed somehow?
It cannot be healed, it cannot be managed, your responsibility is to yourself, not to the narcissist. Anything that tells you to the contrary is emotional thinking.
HG,
what is behind this tantrum and begging for a second chance?
I’ve never seen a man cry like this in front of me.
It’s just so difficult to comprehend how a person incapable of love, can do this.
He is an UMRN and from what I’ve learned from your work, he must truly believe himself that he loves me, I am the one and he can change for me. However this is not the healthy type of “love” a normal person needs and the N cannot realize that change is impossible. Correct?
He said he was unable to self-reflect before, but now he has insight and understands why I left him.
When we were together, he never apologized for anything he did, and now is the first time he ever did.
Therefore it is just so confusing and difficult.
I know I must stay strong.
By the way my therapist told me that since he is desperate now, he might as well do something stupid, become suicidal, if I totally reject him.
I still haven’t figured out how to proceed.
I can’t avoid him,because he works across the street from my flat and I see him every morning when I go out.
I know he is in pain and I don’t want to be mean to him, although in the past he never cared how mean he was to me.
This is all part of his ongoing manipulation, he does not know what he is, he cannot self-reflect or change (although he can con you into thinking he can but it is only being done until he has you under control again and he will revert back to his previous behaviours). You can avoid him – that is your emotional thinking trying to prevent you from implementing no contact. I recommend that you organise a consultation with me.
Thank you!
I might indeed need one.
Oh Ema,
My heart really goes out to you. It’s the most impossible love. I think that’s why it hurts more than any other relationship. I would have made the same decision to meet with him, though I could never hide my emotions. That took so much strength on your part. As empaths we have used our hearts as a compass to guide us our entire lives. It’s so difficult to untrain that and strictly use logic. Logic only seems to kick in when we’ve reached our breaking point, for me at least. Keep using this blog as an outlet. We got you💜
I hope you are able to consult with HG soon.
I think you’re still on the right path.
Ema,
Be strong. You know what he is; so you know what will happen if you continue to allow your empathy for him to guide your actions.
You are not his saviour. You can still have empathy for the boy inside (while protecting yourself from the man) – just don’t act on it. Save it for yourself…for someone who deserves it.
Ema
A narcissist has built a wall so think around that which needs to be pulled back to heal they have actually forgotten the path to get back inside this wall to heal these wounds. And no way in hell is someone going to make them try and find it.
An empathetic/empathic person may “see” this hurt child yet what they actually are seeing is what their emotional thinking is causing them to see which then their logical side understands what that child needs to heal. It is another view how an empathetic/empathic persons logical side is the servant to the emotional side which is the master.
You can not help him, he does not wish to help himself due to not being able to see that which he is addicted to, hell many empathetic/empathic people have the same issue just a different type of addiction they do not desire to address. The narcissist provides that which the empathetic/empathic person subconsciously is addicted to just as the narcissist is addicted to what the empathetic/empathic person provides.
I wish you the best in this struggle, you will make it through just focus on yourself and your needs in those moments. Easier said then done at times…..yet one can accomplish it.
Twilight
“An empathetic/empathic person may “see” this hurt child yet what they actually are seeing is what their emotional thinking is causing them to see which then their logical side understands what that child needs to heal.”
Very good description and explanation! There is no little lost hurt child inside them. That’s just the product of emotional thinking trying to be interpreted by logic. It hurts me to see someone continuing to interact with an abusive person trying to heal or reach this “little lost child” inside, when he doesn’t really exist. Thank you for laying it out.
Windstorm, I read your comment last night then read “Tears part 1”. After reading Tears your comment makes perfect sense. I did not feel empathy for the child in that article because he was not hurt. He viewed the tears of his brother and sister as a learning experience. He did not feel deprived because of the empathy his father gave to his siblings, he just noted the reactions. It felt very robotic to me. The treatment him and his siblings received from his mother is heart breaking but that aside, HG as a child was able to (subconsciously) protect himself by not having emotions.
Windstorm
I actually believe there is a wounded child within every narcissist, they just do not appear nor feel the same as a wounded child of an Empath/empathetic/empathic person.
I could sense and when I looked deeper feel his (my ex) wounded child. It definitely wasn’t the same.
Twilight
I know what you mean and I can sense it too with my narcs. But it’s nothing that we can fix. And it doesn’t seem like something that the narcs want to fix either, or even acknowledge. I also dont think this has anything to do with whether the narc was abused or not as a child.
It seems more to me that what we sense in narcs that we interpret as a wounded child is more a manifestation of their insecurity. It’s when something rattles their confidence and they’re trying to process it that they can give off a feeling of vulnerability that feels childlike. I see that as a sign of their humanity. But it’s not something healable.
Windstorm,
“It seems more to me that what we sense in narcs that we interpret as a wounded child is more a manifestation of their insecurity. It’s when something rattles their confidence and they’re trying to process it that they can give off a feeling of vulnerability that feels childlike. I see that as a sign of their humanity. But it’s not something healable.”
I really like how you articulated this and it makes a lot of sense to me.
Thank you, WhoCares.
Windstorm
I sense the genetically missing empathy not insecurity yet the isolation of not being able to connect in the same manner, they create their connection to them yet never able to connect.
You can not fix something that isn’t there. This is the void many feel never understanding and projecting their version of wounded child into them.
Then add the layers upon them to fit in, or strive to make another proud of them and feel the impact of never being “good” enough anger is born from which hatred develops combined with shame and instinctively knowing they are different rage is born and the war has begun never to let another make them feel this again. They learn a twisted sense of self soothing via grandiose, omnipotence, entitlement etc.
I can feel the hurt, too, the helplessness, the emptiness, …
Then I keep thinking that they must be glad that someone sees more of them and they have a chance of true friendship, but obviously it’s never wanted.
Ava101
“Then I keep thinking that they must be glad that someone sees more of them and they have a chance of true friendship, but obviously it’s never wanted.”
The last thing narcs want is for someone to see them vulnerable, to see more of them. They want to lock their insecurities away where they can’t even see them.
One day, dear windstorm, I will understand that. :/
But yes, that explains it.
WhoCares, Twilight,
I know, I know I shouldn’t have agreed to meet and listen to what he has to say. He’s messing with my head now. One hour spent with him and my anxiety has gone through the roof.
It’s ridiculous, by the way, after 8 months and one unsuccessful short relationship after the N, I recently met someone that I truly like and have started to think that I am finally ready to open up. And the N appears exactly now and hits me in the heart again.
Ema
Don’t beat yourself up about meeting up with him.
Sometimes we take two steps back and then six forward.
Yesterday I texted him that I will not consider giving him another chance and wish him a good life. He’s giving me the silent treatment now.
Good that I came here again to have a cold shower, a part of me almost believed that he has had some insight.
What an irony, it’s the first time I actually enjoy his silent treatment, it was driving me insane when we were together.
Ema
Just some advise. Block and delete everything connected to him that can be use as a way for him to get to you.
My emotional thinking prevailed. Yesterday I felt strong, now I’m sobbing. He disappeared again, giving me the silent treatment. I know what he’s doing, but still I guess a part of me believed his words. I know I wounded him by rejecting.
I was actually on the right path, before he appeared again with his “endless love” story and tears.
Sometimes I wish I never met him. This is soul rape….
I know it’s not real and part of my ET, but now I feel like I “lost” him again and the thought of never hearing from him again, makes me weep.
Ema,
You are on the right path.
Just keep reading and posting.
I’m further down the path than you; I’m so done with my narc and have implemented the best ‘no-contact’ that I can do, given my situation.
But now, twice, he’s appeared in my dreams – and I rarely even dream. I can’t control that.
The emotional hold will lesssen…I find that it cycles.
Ema, do you know why he hoovered? What has he been doing for 8 months? Did he loose another fuel source? Is he coming to you because he’s desperate for fuel?
How unfair of your therapist to tell you he might become suicidal. That is not your responsibility.
I have no idea what he has been doing for 8 months. I know for sure he was on a dating app after we broke up and very shortly after that, a friend told me she’s seen him with another woman.
Very possible that he lost a fuel source.
His explanation is that during the past 8 months he was in deepest hell, had depression,anxiety,alcohol abuse (he was an alcoholic before anyways), blah blah… He said he was unable to communicate with me, he was terrified to see me, he was brokenhearted, crying, etc… the usual pity play. He also said he stopped drinking and finally “has enough strength to tell me everything he feels”.
He didn’t even ask if perhaps I am with someone else now, he thinks he can come back after 8 months, cry like a baby, apologize for everything, and I take him back. He was even talking about committing to each other for a lifetime, having a family together….
The old future faking 🙁
Hello HG. Very illustrating article. May I ask if the three schools take “investment” into account equally in order to never let go the IPPS? Because the L and MR act instictively, are they aware of the amount of time and effort they invest to plan, seduce, give the golden period and generally to extract fuel from the IPPS? Thank you.
The fact somebody is a primary source means we have invested heavily in them and therefore it is our right not to let them go. It is not a matter of calculation (conscious or unconscious) but the fact have made such an investment means that person is ours.
This makes sense. BecuSe the N I was involved with, although I was an IPSS, I definitely got the GP and commencement of devaluation akin to that of an IPPs as do all his other IPSSs. His style is to attempt to make them leave their current partner (sadly this has worked on numerous ocaddions) then he ditches them! Something which does not seem typical for most Ns who have IPSSs from what I have both read and observed.
Anyway my point is, presumably this is why his hoovers are relentless.
HG – is that a typical behaviour of an N to get his IPSSs to leave their current partner and then discard them. One poor girl ditched her bf, then he discarded her. She got back together with said bf, then N sucked her back in and so she ditched her bf again. Then N discarded her for good.
Sadly for her, this time her ex-bf would not take her back.
Generally it is, because this demonstrates power and ensures the IPSS’ attention (i.e. fuel) is focussed on the narcissist and not a third party.
Thanks again HG.
Understood. Thank you, HG.
Haha! I love the “don’t get excited ” on #6
Imagine having all of that like the Secretary but without the discarding – IPSS’s or DLS’s. This blog has been an education to me, opened my eyes. If the nex could have controlled and appreciated what he had with respect and admiration there would have been no need to escape him. We also invest in you and allow you that power, it is not given freely but when we do it is complete from a place of strength.
The nex will never win my heart again, no hoover will work.
It’s took me a long time but I’ve got there…. finally!
PV
Happy to hear this! <3
“We also invest in you and allow you that power, it is not given freely but when we do it is complete from a place of strength.”
Thank you for this Presque Vu. You articulated that perfectly.